I have two boys, 6 and 2.5, and am expecting our 3rd in March. When my first was around 18 mos. we moved to our current city and had no family or friend support. Also I started hanging with a bunch of mamas who many spanked their kids (even though it was a baby-wearing group). At first I just felt so much relief at being able to have moms that i could vent my frustrations with, but over time I found myself so frustrated and felt like I didn't know what to do when my toddler did normal (in retrospect) toddler destructive things. Also I was spanked a lot as a kid even into my teens by my father--and he always did it in a rage. As a young adult I tried to tell him how upset all that spanking made me, but he was unrepentant and even flippantly told me that he wished that he had spanked me *more* and my older brother less (he certainly got a lot more of it when we were young.) That was about 15 years ago. Now I actually live with my parents! I have forgiven my father for what he did and my mother for not intervening. My father does *not* spank my kids.
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So when my oldest was around 18 months I started spanking him. I think I first did it because he wouldn't hold still during diaper changes. Like flopping and rolling and kicking and laughing. When I saw that it "worked" then it spread out from there. I remember it was always a battle in my mind to try not to do it. Like one time I watched Super Nanny and was all gung ho about the naughty chair because it "wasn't spanking". But then when he wouldn't stay in it that lead to spanking. I have some horrible memories of having "gone too far" in my spanking him and feeling so sad and distraught after. I remember telling myself that "that" was the last time and I would never do it again, but then sometimes later the *same* day I would be spanking him again. I think a big wake-up call came when his daycare provider told me that he was threatening to spank another little girl for being "bad". That broke my heart. I think it was around the time that he was three when I finally was able to fully rid myself of spanking him. He was 3 1/2 when his little brother was born. When the little one was around six months we found a playgroup that had no spankers in it at all, and I felt so refreshed and soaked up all their techniques for handling "difficult" behavior. I never spanked the little one and never will spank again.
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I feel like such a hypocrite toward my first. He was uncirc'd and unvax'd, EC'd for the first year (until I had to get a job), co-slept, and nursed until almost 3 years old. But then I did *that* to him. I know that what I did will have lasting effects, but I just hope that by him seeing the more peaceful parenting toward his younger siblings and the fact that I have talked with him many times about how wrong I was to do that that it will mitigate the effects that I left on him. Sometimes I feel like the older is more aggressive or has a worse temper because of what I did. It also reminds me (on my good days) to be extra patient with him considering our rocky start. He is very strong-spirited and smart and independent, and I am thankful for all those qualities.
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I still yell when I am really frustrated and that is what I am working on now. I don't like it when my kids yell at me, so why do I do it? I have moments that I am proud of where I stop myself from yelling and walk over to my kid to talk to them instead. I am proud of myself in those moments. I suppose I could be proud that I stopped spanking, but I don't think there's any pride associated with it at all, just shame.
