I get so mad...

[marispel]

I don't get it - my DS 29 months is a good, happy boy.  For the most part he sleeps well and I suppose is your typical 2 yr old.  BUUUUTTT...sometimes when he doesn't want to nap or eat - it just infuriates me.   I feel so mean to him.  I grit my teeth when I talk to him and just get mad.    I know I'm scaring him and I always feel so bad...but I guess I feel out of control sometimes.   

Today, he didn't want to eat lunch and it had been a stressful morning with a water pipe breaking.  I tried to get him to take 1 bite and he just refused.  So, I did a time out and then  sat him back in the chair to take a bit.  No bite so another time out.   Now he is fussing and I'm steaming, but determined that I will "win" and he will take a bite.   I tried again, but no bite so I march him upstairs and now it is naptime.  He is fussing and the plumbing guys just got there.     DS still gets a bottle at nap time and so I settled him into a book on my lap and we started reading while he drank his bottle.   He falls asleep for 5 minutes and I put him in the crib, which he wakes.   He just got a power nap and now ready to play.   UGGGGHHHHHHH.    I'm mad, I firmly pick him up out of the crib and grit my teeth that it is NAP TIME.  I put him on my lap and rock...obvisouly he knew I was upset.  I tell him to CLOSE HIS EYES and he does, but he won't sleep.  So I put hiim off my lap....rather uburptly.

I let him play for 1.5 hrs and tried again with a nap (at 2:30).  He got so close to drifting off..his eyes were rolling in the back of his head.  Iknow he is tired, but he stayed awake.  I was PISSED!!    My DH finally took him for a car ride hoping that would help him sleep.

I never hurt him, but there are times when I think it.  I'm a good mom and I don't think this is abusive, but what the heck???   Is this normal or do I need help?    I just feel stressed...he is a good boy, how could I get so mad over not napping.  Its not the end of the world, but of course he does so much better with a nap.

[EzzysMom]

Yes it's infuriating when they need to sleep and they won't. I try to keep myself busy and plan the rest of the day accordingly, it's hard. But you've got to try to remember and accept that they aren't doing it to drive you insane, they just can't settle down. You do your best to help them settle. My DD1 seems to be dropping her nap entirely now.

[healthy momma]

I have a 32 month DS that has issues with going down for his naps occasionally. When this first started I had a rough few days and then hit on something that works for me. Mind you, this is NOT about getting him to sleep but changing MY mind set so I can deal with his lack of sleep. We go into his room, shut the door (lock it/put a gate up if you need to), and I lay down on his bed (twin bed on the floor). I say gently, "Mom is tired and needs a nap to feel better. You can play quietly in here while I nap but please don't disturb me. If you feel like being quiet and sleeping you can come cuddle up to me but if not I'll wake up in a little while and I'll feel better and we can play." With that I pull up a blanket turn over and go to sleep. Truly. His room is safe and if he isn't going to get the sleep to be able to function at the top of his game then I need to get the extra energy to make it through until bedtime. Occasionally he does come over and try to play with me but I just keep my eyes closed, say quietly "remember Mom is sleeping and can't play," and he walks away again. Probably 50% of the time he comes and cuddles with me within 5 minutes and is asleep within 5 more minutes. This however is NOT my goal. If it were then the other 50% of the time I would just be frustrated. Instead I feel better 100% of the time and get the bonus of a sleeping child half of the time. Yipee!

One more thought. To me it seems obvious that the disconnection that resulted from your struggle with him over lunch was to blame for him not wanting to nap. I think finding a way to really reconnect and get past a negative power struggle like that before trying for the nap might have helped too. Just a thought. 

[carmel23]

Can you eat when you are stressed out? 

Your son probably can't either.  He is not oblivious to the stress of the water pipe breaking... with all of that going on, give him a break.

Mama, you can't control people--even your son.  Accept that and everything will be easier. 

So put the food there, if he wants to take one bite, he will.  If he doesn't, he won't.  But that is up to him to decide, not you.  Same with sleep. 

It is normal to feel that way, but it isn't healthy for you or him.  He can sense the stress in mama, and that makes it harder to eat, right? 

So just relax. If he eats, fine.  If not, fine.  Take care of yourself and control your emotions, because you cannot control him.  But you can control your emotions, and he is not responsible for your emotions.  If you put your anger on him-- you are making a child the master of your feelings... and that doesn't seem very mature, does it ;) 

I swear you will be so much happier that way, to be less emotionally involved in whether he eats or not....

[dalia]

One of the hardest lessons for me as a mom was to learn that I can't control everything. I mean, this was hard for me. I would not punish him for not eating if I were you. Just put yourself in his shoes. If you weren't hungry how would you feel if someone tried to force you to eat? Trust in him that he knows when and how much to eat. You will feel so much better doing this and he will be relieved and may even sleep better!

As far as naps it drives me so crazy when my ds won't sleep. But then I remember he is not really in control of it or trying to be defiant. It's just that's what happens when you are a toddler. Good luck!

[lactatinggirl]

This sounds exactly like me a few months ago. I entirely know where you're at and how bad you feel after reacting badly with your child.

Personally what got me so upset was stress elsewhere. I had way too much on my plate and I was taking it out on her. Do you have a lot going on right now or are you particularly stressed? Do you ever get time away from your toddler that's for you? At that time I was going to school 5 days a week so I had time away, but no time for me. Here are some things that helped me a lot:

1. I tried to take some stuff off of my plate. I wanted to go to school full-time and finish sooner, but decided it wasn't worth it if I wasn't a happy mama at the same time.

2. I started going to the gym. This gave me some "me" time and time away from her, but also exercising makes you happier. It's still hard to get myself to go, but even just once or twice a week really helps.

3. I stopped trying to be such a perfect mom. It's ridiculous how much thought I was trying to put into every little thing. I was worrying so much about everything involved with raising her that I forgot to actually do it! I started listening to audio books in the car instead of singing along with her Music Together CDs and yeah, it's not what the "best mom in the world" would do, but if it helps me keep my sanity then I'm a better mom than me who sings in the car with her.

[Toposlonoshlep]

Be gentle with yourself. Your DS is likely responding to the frustration you are buzzing with. Kids don't have the coping mechanisms we do and they are very sensitive to our reactions to things. Why do you feel he must eat right then and there? Why is this a point of frustration for you? Slow down and answer these questions, take a couple of deep breaths, and realize he is not doing something to cause you more pain. He may not be hungry or too frustrated to eat or sleep. I guarantee that he will eat when he is hungry and sleep when he is tired. You are driving yourself up the wall needlessly thinking you need to be in charge of when this happens. When my DS won't take a bite, I put the leftovers away and say, "Ok, you can play a while longer and we'll try again". I know he won't starve to death.

I recommend taking some time to yourself. Physical exercise does wonders for anxiety. Meditation and yoga work wonders for me. Once you feel better, you will see that the things that make you so angry are small apples and not worth projecting onto your little boy.

Hugs and lots of luck!

[marispel]

Thanks for all the replies.   I am very controlling, but I feel like I have to be - my DH doesn't "step up" and lets me do the bulk of everything.  He waits until I ask for help, which I"m not good at doing anyway.  I tend to get bitter because I'm doing everything and then DH throws it in my face that I'm controlling.  It's just a vicious circle.   I know that my frustration is geared towards my DH and than my DS.   I know this because when things are going good with DH, then I don't get frustrated with DS, but when DH is a jerk, then I tend to be on edge and finding that my fuse is shorter with DS.

I woke up this morning thinking...I don't like it when DH is a jerk to me so why am I being a jerk to DS.  It is just teaching DS to be a jerk and I want to stop it!   So - as with life, you live and learn and I really think I'm one of those people that can actually learn from their mistakes and work at doing better and better.   I am a good, happy person and I want DS to be around that.  I do understand that there is no way to avoid frustration all together, but I can at least I can choose how to handle it with DS and strive to be more patient with him when he is testing me.   I have a lot of pressure in my life and unfortunately, I can't ask DH to take away that pressure.   I can depend on God and I need to remember to ask Him for help when things get too stressful for me.

Thanks for listening and the words of encourgement.  

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by marispel 

but I can at least I can choose how to handle it with DS and strive to be more patient with him when he is testing me.

Maybe it would help if you reframe these kind of situations. If you think of it as DS 'testing' you, of course you are going to get angry & frustrated, and of course it will turn into a battle of wills.

Instead, try thinking of it as... DS is 'struggling' & you need to figure out how best to help him.

If he's struggling to eat, you need to either figure out a creative way to help him take a few bites, or just let it go & decide he can eat when it's easier for him. Same thing with a nap... How can you best help him? I say this after witnessing an exchange between DH & DS a week or two ago... That sounded something like,

DH: Sit down.

DS: No.

DH: Yes, you need to sit down now.

DS: No.

DH: YES.

DS: NO!

And on & on... and this is a kid who very rarely says 'no' to us... it was actually hard for me to watch. DH explained later that he wanted to show DS who's the boss, that HE is in charge. When I asked him what he wanted DS to know most about him, he said that he loves him, that he will keep him safe, and that he'll always be there for him. Nothing about 'being in charge' -- that was more a heat-of-the-moment thing. This became a bit on an eye-opener for DH actually. If he instead had just thought, OK I need DS to sit so he doesn't get hurt, the exchange could have gone something like,

DH: Sit down.

DS: No.

DH: You can stand on the ground, or you can sit in the chair.

DS makes a choice or DH physically takes him off the chair if necessary

Or he could have just decided it's OK if DS stands on the chair, which could have avoided the whole thing.

So I guess I'm saying, in every exchange you are making a choice, and you are trying to show your child something. Sometimes what we are trying to show our kids is not what we actually want them to learn. 

That being said, I know how frustrating it is when you child just WON'T go down for a nap (or whatever) and sometimes I just need to give MYSELF a time-out because I get way too annoyed & frustrated. Taking a few minutes from 'getting kid to sleep' to zone out while checking my emails, or to tickle DS, or read him a book, or just walk away from the room to regain my composure, can do wonders for me. I will also second what the pp mentioned about getting enough time to yourself & getting other stresses under control... 

It sounds like some of your feelings about DH are similar to my own, I just posted a thread in Parents as Partners about that the other day, and just getting it all out there & getting some others' perspectives really has helped me reframe my relationship with DH a bit & we've had a great 2-3 days...