Just need to get this out, feelings about DH getting a job after being here with us

[Climbing Rose]

I'm probably just being dumb. 

I should say from the beginning that I tend to be more of an insecure, introverted type person.  DH is the opposite.  He is out-going, makes friends really easy, is good looking (i.e. gets hit on), and good at just about everything he does.

So he has worked from home for years now, and we are really used to it.  It's so nice, like our lives have all blended together and we are more of a family.  (I'm a SAHM and we HS.)

But due to some major things that have come up, he is needing to go and 'get a real job.'  (He is getting a hair cut too.)  Hopefully it will not be really long-term.

Anyway, so I have these concerns that are legitament and I will need to work out- like who will watch the kids now for appointments, are we going to get a second car, and things like that.

Then I have these other concerns that are kind of embarassing. 

I remember that when he used to have jobs, he would sometimes end up in a bad environment where it was male-dominated and there would be porn readily available.  He does not seek porn out, but you can't help seeing something right there, yk?  I just don't want to sit at home knowing he is seeing that every day he goes to work (hanging on the wall or in the bathroom or whatever).

And sometimes the situtations that would come up would make me really uncomfortable.  Like one time he ended up working alone while boss was gone (usually it was the two of them) with a subsitute secertary for two weeks-- who of course happened to be a single attractive young lady who was all done up and pouring her heart out to him about her dating woes.

I guess I just don't like the idea that we will now be home without him, and he is going to have a whole other new part to his life without us.  We (DC and I) aren't there all day like he is and don't really know the people he works with very well or what his day is really like, so I feel like I am on the outside of a major part of his life.  Is that just silly? 

And there will be the situations that come up because he "has to" for work.  Like he would never just go out and befriend a young single girl and be alone with her for hours a day for weeks, but it happened for work.

I was listening to some of my IRL friends discuss their DH's jobs not long ago and it didn't help.  One guy was joking with his wife about the amount of cleavage he was exposed to each day, and another guy was talking about the graphic things that pop up on his work computer.  Not what I was hoping to hear.

I guess it just makes me feel jealous too, because my life only gets harder having him gone instead of generally around to help.  I am pregnant and we have little ones, and him being here was not a small thing.  I'm not the one that just gets to leave and be with adults and do something I was trained for... Not that I *want* to leave, but you know how it is to SAH.

For the record, this has nothing to do with the character of my DH.  He is wonderful, trust-worthy, and all of that.

I know I am just insecure and wish he didn't have to be in the situations I know could come up.

He doesn't have a job yet, but is looking.

So that's all.  Just getting that off my chest. 

Does anyone's DH have a decent job that would make me feel better?

Am I just being whiny?  I am pregnant, hormonal, sick, and overtired (and we are moving) so that is not an ideal combination for being at my best and more mature.

[VisionaryMom]

I'm not sure where he works that looking at porn is a regular part of the job. I actually asked DH while reading if I was naive about men's bathrooms. Nope. He's never seen porn in his work bathrooms. Having it at work wouldn't be worth the risk as doing so is an immediate dismissal.

My husband is a software developer, so everyone in the office is well-educated & super-professional. I can't imagine that any of them discuss sex/pornography openly at work...it's just not okay. (And that's not my husband hiding it. I have no problems with porn.)

I don't get the idea that he "gets into bad environments." IME, work isn't a bad environment unless there's a problem (sexual harassment, etc.) Even in a field where there's an expectation to entertain clients or go out with co-workers, I think you can do that in a respectful ay.

As for being alone with women, I've never understood that argument, to be honest. If you trust your husband, you trust him. If you're sure he wouldn't cheat, then you're just worrying needlessly.

I don't know about your other questions. I was at home with our kids for 5 years, and I never had an appointment by myself during that time. I just took care of everything without DH there, though in some urgent situation, it would've been possible for him to come home. 

[jeteaa]

I get what you're saying.... My dh works with ALL guys (construction) and if there is a woman on the job, she is not usually the kind of woman I would ever worry about. But my dh does go to the gym and he is open about women he talks to there. There was a situation a while ago, where a gym woman wanted to go mt biking with my dh "to show her the trails"..... HELL NO. My dh was oblivious to the fact that she was basically asking him on a date. So my advise to you is to make it a thing where your dh shares his day with you and if then you ever hear about red flag things, then talk to him about it. I don't think it would help to expect the worse from the get go.

[Climbing Rose]

The bad enviroments he was in were mostly factories and shops when we were younger...  So maybe that will be different now because he is at a more professional level, and maybe workplace standards have went up over the years.

I remember visiting one of his jobs through when I had just had a baby who wouldn't nurse.  It was a *huge* long uphill battle for months, I was feeling like a failure as a woman, was getting no sleep and we were at a low point as a couple.  Then I went in there (all-male work force in a huge shop) and there was porn hung up and around, and I just remember feeling so much worse as a woman.  It was like I failed at nursing and on top of that I also didn't look anything like their 'ideal' woman.

Anyway, probably just babbling now.

I can't imagine taking my DC to my appointments.  For instance, on Monday, DS-4 has to have dental work done (cavities), and I need to be there, and they won't allow other children (siblings) to come back.  I can't just leave two toddlers in the waiting room, even with my other DC.

[Climbing Rose]

Originally Posted by jeteaa  I don't think it would help to expect the worse from the get go.

I know- good point.  Espessially since he is trying to find a really nice place to work.  He didn't exactly enjoy working at the seedier places, for many reasons.

[mamaofprincesses]

My husband also works in a professional office environment, and I cannot imagine anyone bringing in porn or anything remotely risque. His coworkers don't even discuss their families or personal lives all that much. I worked part time until recently, and my coworkers and I discussed all sorts of details that would never come up in my husband's work environment :).

I think a lot of the things you are worried about can also be solved by setting boundaries. My DH is naturally reserved, so people don't tend to pour their hearts out to him, but if your husband is getting a lot of that, he should learn to change the subject!

As for appts and the other logistics. . . those things are hard, but try to cultivate your village as much as you can. My DH sometimes works long hours and I just had our fourth little one, so when I'm super tired I try to remember what a blessing it is for him to have a stable job with benefits in this economy. Focusing on the good stuff makes it easier to deal with the stressful parts.

[katelove]

I guess it depends on the sort of places people work. My DH is an ED NP. There is certainly no porn in his work environment! And accessing it on the computers would be a sackable offence. Nurses do tend to chat about relationships and such fairly openly IME but it's not that hard to remove yourself from a conversation you aren't comfortable with.

As far as befriending colleagues I think it is reasonable for adults in committed realationships to be aware of, and maintain, suitable boundaries. If the secretary is spending a lot of time talking about her boyfriend troubles and he is uncomfortable with it then he needs to kindly put a stop to it. If a subtle "Sorry, I can't chat, I really need to get this work done" doesn't work then a more assertive "I'm sorry you're having problems but I'm not comfortable discussing this, I need to work." should do it.

I get that some people don't know when they're being hit on, I've missed some signals myself before but everyone should have a reasonable idea of what the boundaries in their relationship are. To use the PPs example of the mountain biking expedition, I can see where a person might think that was a genuine request to be shown around a new area. *But*, even if it was a genuine request, is it ok to spend several hours biking with a member of the opposite sex? Everyone's  relationship is different but everyone should know the answer to that question for them IMO.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I don't have experience with this, but my dad has friends at work of the opposite sex, and since my mom HATES flying, he takes people from work - sometimes women, sometimes men.  Sometimes a combination of both.  When I was working in the islands during summers off of school, he would bring them to see me and it wasn't awkward at all b/c they were just friends/co-workers, and my dad likes to go flying and take people with him.  It never bothers my mom - they have a fabulous relationship and have been married for almost 34years.  My dad also talks about my mom and his kids constantly - how beautiful his wife is, how I'm graduated from law school, he brags about all of us constantly - so its not like theres a single person that doesn't know he's happily married with 3 grown kids!

I would recommend framing a few of his favorite pictures of him with the kids, and him with you, to put on his desk!  I bet he would love it!  I went to visit my dad at work one day, and was shocked to see all the pictures he had of us on his desk!

[HollyBearsMom]

My brother is a blue collar worker (and is here for dinner tonight) said real porn is never in work site.  Do some guys have "racy" calendars hanging in their lockers, sure, but that is as extreme as it gets.

My husband is white collar and he actually burst out laughing when I asked him about porn.  He basically said other than his brother sending him "questionable" emails there is no porn. 

I think you need to start out thinking positively and not the negative. But if all is this coming from the fact you don't really trust him then it doesn't matter where he works.  If he can't be trusted it doesn't matter where he goes during the day. There are opportunities everywhere. 

[Spring Lily]

Wow, I'm having trouble reading the rest of your post because I can't get over the porn part! They had porn hung up on the walls at his work?!?! That kind of blows my mind. I can see why it would have bothered you at the time, but really....I just can't imagine you're going to come across that again. My DH is a professional in a male dominated field and there is no way anything like that would happen at any of his jobs. Even the blue collar ones before college. Wow.

It's good you're realizing that this is about your own insecurities. From your post, it almost sounds like you're clinging to him out of fear to let him go. Which would mean one of the reasons you like having him at home is that you can keep an eye on him. It comes off as sort of controlling. I don't say this to hurt your feelings or out of any judgement, just to let you know how it can sound to others. And if he feels like you're being clingy, controlling, or overly needy, that can cause some real problems down the line. Have you considered working on your insecurities, maybe reading some books to get you started? It sounds like a lot of this is coming from your own thoughts, so maybe this is a chance for you to start learning new perspecitves. I read a really great book on this, called "10 Days to Self Esteem" that really goes into all the thoughts and worries you have. Very enlightening and helpful.

[greenacresmama]

I am just plan sad he is going back to work. I am so sorry! 

My DH has been home with us for a while and we are moving.. but the whole deal about another job is just way too much for me. I think I would rather work at Whole foods part-time to make ends meet.. or something.. anything.. I just can't bear it. I love him! I think that you and I had a similar kind of DH.. women.. it never hurts my feelings.. but I get jealous easily. It is hard to know the difference between the friends and the women I can just tell wanted more of him. Never had anything to do with the job though.. I want him home, as a father because we are so much "Better Together" .. would do almost anything to have him home.. anything. Just pray. Get a tall blank glass prayer candle and write in a black marker what you truly want, phrase it in a wonderful happy way. Light it whenever you feel.. everyday.. every night.. Every time you have a moment to send out a strong prayer. 

[Climbing Rose]

Thanks for all the great replies.  I do need to pray about it more- it was so good to have him here. 

As far as the porn at work issues, you all are making me feel like we live in an alternate universe!  =P

It is really good to hear.  We have always had issues with it at his work in the past, so I thought that was just 'how it was.' 

I'm really happy to hear that's not exactly the norm.

At one of the last places he worked, I took our DC at the time in to see him, and there was an almost life-size poster of a naked woman on the wall of the shop (with her 'parts' just barely covered).  My DC were young and decided it had to be the boss's wife- because why else would there a big picture of a lady there, right?

At *two* other jobs that he had, one of the distributers that came in handed out Xmas calenders with naked girls in them, showing everything, and there were even two different versions you could pick from each year!  Of course DH wouldn't take one, but the other guys that worked there would and would hang them up all over.

And one of my friends whose DH is a pilot, told me he recently quit a job (hauling cargo- not people!), because all his co-pilots did was watch porn on their laptops the whole flight and he got sick of it.

So that is where my opinions of it all were coming from.

And I just want to say again, it's *not* my DH.  He has his own issues like everybody (like he wouldn't know if he was getting hit on to save his life) but he is a very trustworthy honest person.  We have been together since we were kids, and he has always been a really good guy.

I am the one with the real issues, obviuosly.  In a nutshell-  I am sure so much of this all stems from my childhood- there was porn all over my house, and I had the kind of dad that made you feel you weren't anything if you didn't look a certain way, and there was also a lot of abuse- all kinds.  So that explains the porn issues and insecurities, I guess.  Then because DH and I got together so young and he is so irresponsible in some area (finances, actually getting things done, etc) it seems like we have this old dynamic where I am the 'controlling' one that takes things over and so sometimes I do try and run things... even somethings at his work I guess from this post, but honestly I just don't want to feel like he is 'having' to see porn because I can't see that being very good for a marriage.

Thank you for the book recommendation.  I know I need to get better about how I feel about things. 

[Climbing Rose]

Just talking to myself now, but FWIW, I have been thinking about this thread today and I realized something that has already really helped, almost like a break-through.

My DH is not my dad.  I know that should be so simple, but I think that has been so much of the problem.  If you believe that a girl's father will shape how she will view men in her life, then that means I would view men as always wanting whatever pretty young girls walks by, being only with their wives because they 'have to,' and really really enjoying porn, and acting like women are worthless if they don't look like a pin-up, as well as generally wanting to be doing 'important things' and not with their families.

And that is not my DH at all, but I can't believe when I really think about it, how so many of my thoughts somehow 'expect' my own sweet and loving DH to think and be like I would expect "a man" to like based on my father.  Does that make any sense?

I mean (unlike my parents), DH and I are *happily* married, he does not oogle every female (or even any female) that walks by- except me, and he is not addicted to porn in any way, or addicted to his work at the expense of his family... but somehow I think I subconsciously have had the idea that he still has that 'evil man-brain' in him somewhere like my dad, and that was what was making me worry about all that.

I talked to him today about some of this, how it relates to me trying to control certain situations, etc.   I am feeling so much better about it.  I also was reading another thread on here somewhere about narcasictic mothers and how they can give you issues with self-esteem even when you are an adult now, and it fit my childhood with my mom to a T.  

I know I can't blame things on my parents when I am a full-grown adult, but it really has helped to see where it all stems from.

[greenacresmama]

Love, (BTW Love the name!) Super Huge Hugs! 

I get scared too.. and it hurts because sometimes my mother can be so afraid and unsupportive too. So many tragic things happened and I had many, many, many experiences to process and heal. (I am not up to my kids sleeping over at people's homes unless I am totally in trust.) The thing that really helps me.. is to write some fears down and then burn them. Because.. at this point.. it is so hashed out of my soul that I rarely need to. I moved out when I was 16 just because I wanted happiness so badly and felt so totally free when I was finally responsible for my own happiness and in control that I finally stopped sleeping around to be "in charge" of my body. These things are a real drag.. I know so much what that feels like.. The moment is so precious, our children are so precious.. everytime these thought come up for me, I quickly imagine a huge bubble of power around my family, and then my home and it huge and it protecting and I am powerful. I am in God's light now and I never ever ever will be in danger again. I really always try to attract the positive and when I think I am going to explode.. I write down, I burn it and it vanishes from the universe. 

God bless your husband.. It makes me cry that he is with you and you are in love and everything is going to be okay. The true happy endings are right here, right now for us. I love it. IT IS WONDERFUL! And a miricle that we ended up with such amazing people so young.. just think.. we might have been porn stars. I mean.. I am quite a nymph too, but also the best mother. I have no idea what is in the mind of every randy out there kind of girl.. but I remind myself that life is journey and she is desperately trying to love....even if she doesn't admit it yet. And if she has love and still like that.. then she hasn't found the sweet kind of love level yet.. and it will happen.. I hope.. In everyone's time. And I let it be.

HUGS!!!  

[journeymom]

Gosh, you poor thing! YES your feelings are legitimate, YES it's completely understandable that you feel very uncomfortable about your husband going back into that same atmosphere.

I really don't want you to think that you are nuts to feel this way.

Edited to add, perhaps people here need to be reminded that there are still plenty of work places where the spirit of sexual harassment laws are completely ignored. OP, maybe your location has something to do with it, I don't know. However, I think you should be assured that that particular attitude is being discouraged, and in the few years that your dh has been out of the work shops it's probably improved.

I think your parents' attitudes and your childhood experiences are interesting and very relevant. You're obviously a thoughtful person, you're willing to look into yourself. If you can you should get yourself some therapy. This is a complex, many-layered issue you're dealing with.

I'm 42 y.o., married for 18 years, have a 16 y.o. and a 11 y.o. The new-mother in me would have identified with your huge discomfort with porn. The instance where you visited your dh's work place only to be confronted with a huge poster of a naked woman- your hurt feelings and fear are really understandable.

In fairness to your dh you should be careful to separate your own issues from his actions.

About appointments, there is no denying that it's been just perfect for you and your kids that their dad has been at home so you could leave to go to appointments and feel completely at ease. It's awesome! But you'll adjust. You may have to ask friends or neighbors to care for them on occasion. Or make appointments for after your dh gets off work. No biggie.

[Climbing Rose]

Thank you.  It means a lot!

Well, DH just accepted one of the jobs he was offered!  So he will start in a few weeks. 

I am feeling really good about it all~ He is happy with the place, got the long grand tour, met everyone (he was there for hours!), and the boss even told him it was a family-friendly environment. 

Plus (compared to the last time he had a job years ago) there are a lot of pictures of the place online =) and so I can say myself- it does look like a great place, not like his old places that I visited.

I am really feeling happy/excited now for him and for us all~ It will be great to have a steady paycheck for a while!

He already has shown our pictures all around (from his wallet), but I plan on making a nice framed one of our family for him to take in to.

Of course, it's not the same as having him home, but for second best, I can't complain!