Helping dc unwind after visiting other parent

[DeerMother]

Any advice?

Their routine has been crazy since we separated. I know their dad is looser with the routine than I would like to be and he always pushed for a later bedtime. They come back to me now at 7 or 8 (this will change to 4 or 5 when divorce is final) and are off the walls for a few hours. So they are up until 10 when they come back and then before I know it 10 or 1030 is their normal bedtime. I am in need of a little alone time and wondering if helping them shift from one home to the other would help my bedtime woes.

[josybear]

this is really hard. i deal with this, too. what (usually) works for me is being firm and making it clear that the moment they walk in the door it's bedtime. no playing, just teeth and pee and a story. they hate it and think i'm horribly mean, but i know that they're exhausted from their time at their dad's place and will be grateful for the normalcy and rest, even if they don't think they're grateful or at grateful, you know? but it makes every evening a major struggle and it's miserable for all of us. lots of fun, huh? the upside is that mornings are less brutal than they'd be if the babies stayed up. plus, after consistently doing this for most of their lives they're getting so used to it that the evening battle is gradually decreasing in intensity.

[meemee]

yes i can relate to that. when younger dd needed some adjusting time when she came home. 

i notice your kids are toddlers. they are energy machines. yes for dd who had high energy i had to do something with her - horse around, dance with music, etc to help her calm down and transition out. i had to help her get the energy out. sometimes it was a half hour walk. but no way, no way could she ever just go to bed. if i forced her to do it and turned off the lights she'd be up for at least 2 hours playing with her toes, singing, etc. she would NOT be able to fall asleep. 

i would try to create a calming atmosphere at home. lower the lights, play soft soothing music in the background. see if that makes a difference. 

there is a big difference between a toddler and a 4 year old for instance. 

[greenemami]

When we used to send dsd back to her mom's at 7 pm (her usual bedtime was 8) we would have her brush her teeth and get into pj's before she left so that all she had to do at her mom's was read a story and get into bed.  Would your ex  be willing to start the bedtime routine before the kids head back to your house so they are already in that frame of mind?   We ended up changing the schedule to keep her overnight instead of going back at bedtime because it was just too disruptive to do a bedtime switch-I'm sure things will get easier when you get them back earlier!

[orangecanoe]

Do they still nap? Is it possible he is putting them down for a later nap and that explains that extra energy? It sounds like given their ages, it can also be an expression of their anxiety with the transition between households.

[BabyBearsMummy]

My DD is always very emotionally unstable the night of the her return from being with my ex. We spend a ton of time cuddling And I take a lot of physical and verbal abuse from her. I repeatedly have to remind her we don't treat the people with love that way. Usually her bedtime routine starts at 7 PM with  her safely tucked in bed drifting off to sleep before 7:30. The first few nights she is home I am very lucky if I can get her to sleep before 9:30. Also DD says they go to bed very late over there and her step sister is keeping her up at night. My Ex's response our DD is lying.

I know she having a very tough time with the transition but I am at a lose for how to help her deal with it better. I have asked my ex to help with the transition but it feels like    would be more productive. DD is struggling but he thinks I am trying to control his household. Honestly I couldn't care less what they do if DD was able to deal with it well.

Based on DD's behavior post visits and what she has told me about life at Daddy's I suspect he has carried the abusive behaviors from our relationship into his new family. I have escaped the abuse and refuse to engage with him anyone but my DD is still trapped. How do I end the cycle of abuse for my daughter?

[DeerMother]

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy 

I know she having a very tough time with the transition but I am at a lose for how to help her deal with it better. I have asked my ex to help with the transition but it feels like    would be more productive. 

Based on DD's behavior post visits and what she has told me about life at Daddy's I suspect he has carried the abusive behaviors from our relationship into his new family. I have escaped the abuse and refuse to engage with him anyone but my DD is still trapped. How do I end the cycle of abuse for my daughter?

Sometimes I think banging my head against the wall would get things done quicker too.

I don't know how to end the cycle. It is so upsetting. My hope is that they will see that life can be normal, emotionally healthy and happy and that will counteract what happens over there. I've spoken to a counselor about this too. She said that if I just believe dc and listen to them when they are old enough to talk about the verbal/emo abuse, they should be fine. I hate it. I had to leave to protect myself but it is gut wrenching thinking of not being there to protect them if he is lashing out.

[Learning_Mum]

H drops the boys off at around 7pm / 7.30pm on Sun night. They have had dinner and a bath before they leave his house. Basically as soon as he pulls out the driveway I will warn them that it's bedtime in half an hour. It can be a fight to get them into bed (lots of stalling and mucking about) but once they're in bed and calm they go to sleep pretty quickly. They are usually exhausted and honestly, it can take them a couple of days to get back to normal again. I just try and stick to a routine until they balance out again (of course, then they have a couple days of "normal" and are back to their Dad's so the cylce starts all over again!)

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum 

It can take them a couple of days to get back to normal again. I just try and stick to a routine until they balance out again (of course, then they have a couple days of "normal" and are back to their Dad's so the cylce starts all over again!)

It usually takes 4 days to a week to get my DD back on her schedule and happy. Then a couple of days of "normal" and shes back to Daddy's so the cycle starts all over again. I wish he could see how a little bit of routine between the two houses is in her best interest.  
 

[Jyotsna]

It has been six years since my children have been transitioning.  Up until two years ago, transition night was horrible.  All of their expectations that fell to deaf ears at their dad's house were expressed at me, and my son was especially out of control, raging, refusing to sleep at bedtime ect.  It's so hard on the kids, and especially if the father or mother are passing messages back and forth, or making rude comments about the other parent...the kids are feeling split.

Our counselor advised me to do something with the kids before going home (not grocery shopping ect).  We visit a friend and have dinner with them, or go to temple, or stop somewhere to have a snack, before going home.  They are doing much better now, and it's been 2 years since they have had temper tantrums or rages after transition.  Maybe you could take them for an icecream or stop by the park to let them run around, or have a ball outside in front of your place to play with before everyone goes inside.  The idea is to do something else besides moving right back into your routine when you return home.  The routines between the two homes are probably very different, and kids resist the change alot.  If they have something to soften the blow of the changes, they are likely to do better.  Good luck.  I am sure you will find something. Mostly, don't question them about dad's house, or make comparison's.