I need some guidance. We may be adopting via private adoption.

[rachie]

We have been waiting for the right time to adopt.  A good friend's adult daughter is pregnant and wants to place her child for adoption.  My friend thinks we are a good match and wants me to meet her daughter in 11 days.  At that point she'll be 10 or 11 weeks along.  Our baby will be 12 or 13 months when the new baby is born which I actually find ideal for me being able to get my milk supply up and nurse our adopted baby along side our one year old.  My older kids will be age 3 and 5 1/2.  The expecting mom grew up in a large family and has expressed to her mother how happy her childhood was with all her siblings.  It does seem to be a possible match. 

So now I guess we'll see if she actually does feel our family is the right one for her baby.  I'm thinking of the details, though.  I don't know what the typical cost for filing the paperwork is through a lawyer in CA.  I am also wondering if it is possible to file some of the papers ourselves or how all the legal stuff works.  I think we've got minimal stuff to do for our home to be ready for the home study.  

Can anyone give me some advice, pointers?  I don't know what to expect in the private adoption process.  I also want the birth mother to feel comfortable around me as possible.  Are there things I should do and things to avoid? 

[tiffani]

I think the number one thing you need to remember at this point is that she is a woman who is expecting a baby, and may decide, in the end, to keep her baby -- and in fact, you should probably primarily be invested in making sure she knows all of her options for keeping baby -- gov't support, how to get an education while raising a child, low cost daycare and housing, etc, etc... not to pressure her to keep the baby, but to make sure she knows her options -- 10 or 11 weeks pregnant is still really early in the game, and you shouldn't get your hopes up, or make her feel obligated to choose you -- a lot can change in 6 or 7 months! as far as meeting her goes, I would just be really supportive of HER choice whether to parent or place her baby for adoption, and be totally honest about who you are and what your family is all about. I would let her know that I would be honored and thrilled to parent her child, if that was the decision she came to in the end, but that I wanted to make sure it was what she wanted, that she knew her options, etc... I would make sure to discuss openness and see what she hoped for as far as involvement in the child's life, and try to come to the same place with that -- and I would research openness in adoption myself, and maybe casually mention books or articles that explain why openness is best for the child. hoping it works out for the best for everyone involved!

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by tiffani 

I think the number one thing you need to remember at this point is that she is a woman who is expecting a baby, and may decide, in the end, to keep her baby -- and in fact, you should probably primarily be invested in making sure she knows all of her options for keeping baby -- gov't support, how to get an education while raising a child, low cost daycare and housing, etc, etc... not to pressure her to keep the baby, but to make sure she knows her options -- 10 or 11 weeks pregnant is still really early in the game, and you shouldn't get your hopes up, or make her feel obligated to choose you -- a lot can change in 6 or 7 months! as far as meeting her goes, I would just be really supportive of HER choice whether to parent or place her baby for adoption, and be totally honest about who you are and what your family is all about. I would let her know that I would be honored and thrilled to parent her child, if that was the decision she came to in the end, but that I wanted to make sure it was what she wanted, that she knew her options, etc... I would make sure to discuss openness and see what she hoped for as far as involvement in the child's life, and try to come to the same place with that -- and I would research openness in adoption myself, and maybe casually mention books or articles that explain why openness is best for the child. hoping it works out for the best for everyone involved!

I agree with all this.

We adopted privately in Arizona. It was a pretty easy process. I do not recommend doing the legal stuff yourself. You don't want to make a mistake and find that you botched this up. There is an adoption tax credit out there. We got back every penny we spent on the adoption process. Research the credit.

[mamadebug]

I agree with the others - it is really early in her pregnancy, and she may change her mind at some point.  So, if it seems like a good match, go slowly and be ready for the possibility that she may decide to parent her child.  

About filing papers yourself - we were told by someone along the way that it is worth every penny to make sure you have a good lawyer who really knows what they are doing when they handle this.  Trying to save a couple thousand dollars could really come back on you in a bad way - you want to make sure everything is done correctly and unless you are a lawyer who handles adoptions, you can't be sure of that.  

Finally, even if you make the match on your own, you may want to have it handled through an agency.  I am not sure where in CA you are, but if you are in northern CA, Adoption Connection in SF will do that (and they are great!).  You wouldn't pay for their outreach program, but they could do your home study, make sure everyone is educated about their rights, offer the birth mom support, recommend an attorney, help you make a plan for the hospital, etc - all the things that might be hard to wade through on your own.  

Good luck!  I hope it goes well for everyone!

[rachie]

Thanks everyone!  I think we will probably make sure there is pro counseling involved and legal professionals too, assuming it all actually happens.  It really is too important to mess up!  If this baby really does need a home in the end we will be soooo honored to be the adoptive parents but we're very supportive of her making her own (non pressured) decision weather it be keeping her baby or finding a family she feels more comfortable with.  As a Christian it's my duty to be a loving "servant of all" - I'm here to play whatever role that God gives to me - if it is even to just give her peace that there is a family ready "in case" then it's the least I can do.  And I don't want her to feel ANY guilt if we are not the ones or if she decides to keep her baby.  Our faith is in God, not the birth-mom, which I hope will take pressure off her (if it's God's will then things will just work out and if not then we can accept that it's simply not the right time/person, etc..).  From what I've gathered the birthmom is seeking a semi-open or open adoption.  We are okay with this, if it is really what she wants.  So now I guess we meet and we'll just see how things go.   

[CrazyCatLady]

As a birth mom, my opinion is that it's way too soon for her to be meeting with potential adoptive families.  The only reason I could see someone looking into adoption so soon like this would be if they needed their pregnancy expenses covered.  And if that's the case, then this definitely should be getting handled through an agency (and I don't even like agencies, but they are best to handle situations like that so no one ends up ripped off or taken advantage of).  Otherwise I don't buy the whole needing an agency thing.  I have been a part of two private adoptions and my needs were met just fine.  Lawyers answered my questions and helped arrange for therapy if I requested it.   AAAa

In this situation it also makes me nervous that the mom is doing the arranging.  Makes me wonder if she is pressuring the daughter to place, or if she is pressuring her to place with her friends instead of the daughter finding her own couple to place with.  It's amazing how many people expect you to place your baby with this nice couple or that great couple from church when they know you're planning on placing your child for adoption.  It's a lot of stress/pressure on a mom considering adoption.  I wish you all the best in figuring this out.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady 

As a birth mom, my opinion is that it's way too soon for her to be meeting with potential adoptive families.  The only reason I could see someone looking into adoption so soon like this would be if they needed their pregnancy expenses covered.  And if that's the case, then this definitely should be getting handled through an agency (and I don't even like agencies, but they are best to handle situations like that so no one ends up ripped off or taken advantage of).  Otherwise I don't buy the whole needing an agency thing.  I have been a part of two private adoptions and my needs were met just fine.  Lawyers answered my questions and helped arrange for therapy if I requested it.   AAAa

In this situation it also makes me nervous that the mom is doing the arranging.  Makes me wonder if she is pressuring the daughter to place, or if she is pressuring her to place with her friends instead of the daughter finding her own couple to place with.  It's amazing how many people expect you to place your baby with this nice couple or that great couple from church when they know you're planning on placing your child for adoption.  It's a lot of stress/pressure on a mom considering adoption.  I wish you all the best in figuring this out.

I also agree with all this. I've heard of women who at the end of their pregnancies wanted to keep their babies but who felt obliged to place because they didn't want to disappoint the adoptive parents. It seems the longer the relationship the more "pressured" should would feel to place. Not that you would pressure her, but simply she will feel pressured from within to honor her promise to you.

[akingme]

I agree with what everyone else has said. My attorney, recommended to me by adoption facilitator, was indispensable to me. I have an open adoption and there is just so much more to deal with. A social worker is probably a good idea at some point, too. Yes, it adds up financially, but I wanted to make sure I was protected AND that the first mom/birth mom was taken care of as well. We all felt very satisfied with the process and we have a wonderful open relationship now. I highly suggest talking to a social worker now and getting advice on  how to best proceed. Wishing you lots of luck and many blessings.