Anyone elses family make rude comments about their AP / natural parenting inspired parenting...

[Calliope84]

My mother won't stop making comments about me never putting the baby down, spoiling her, treating her like a monkey, etc. She bought us a crib with a matching crib set and a stroller and tons of clothes (and many other things.) She doesn't like that we sleep with the baby and makes comments about how she wasted her money with the crib.

She gave me a stroller and won't stop suggesting I take DD on a walk in it. I informed her DD prefers being carried and I like carrying her. She told me she guarantees I won't wear her when it is hot, but I disagree. She suggested I return the stroller to her so she can take her on a walk in it and reprimanded me for wasting all our money on these "baby carriers I keep buying."  It feels weird to me to consider carrying around a stroller and rolling my child around.  

I was keeping my baby in onesies, pants, and babylegs and she keeps making comments about how she wasted money buying her clothes because I don't put her in them. She tells me to return some of the clothes to her so she can change her out of the clothes I put her in and put her in cute clothes. Honestly, she bought a lot of dresses and dresses just don't work day to day, esp when I wear her.

She swore I wouldn't actually cloth diaper and was wasting my money, but here I am using my CDs!

She bought this 3 in 1 changing station, playpen and sleeper thing and I don't let her put the baby in it when we come over. On Christmas, when we were opening gifts, she went and put the baby in it and I was like wth? I want my baby with me! .. so I took her back out. She keeps making comments about how she should just take it back.

She is also mad at me because I don't want my child playing with plastic toys.

DD screams in the carseat and my mom lives almost an hour away but wants us to switch on and off to see each other. I told her I will no longer drive there unless I am in the area until DD gets used to the carseat. She thinks I am being selfish. She only sees the baby once a week or once every other week. She doesn't have a job but hates to drive on the freeway so won't come over.

I appreciate all her help, but I don't get why she is like this. I did try talking with her, too. I know she tries to keep her opinion to herself about some things, but mostly it isn't working.

My in-laws can be equally annoying. They call me a "communist" and "nazi" with my organic food "propaganda" because we were only eating healthy and organic maybe 1/2 the time when we lived with them for a few weeks before we had DD. My mil makes rude comments about my weight, the way we hold the baby a lot and about the natural baby care products we use. My mil says a lot of stuff about vaccinating, but won't actually have an intelligent conversation with me about it. Just tells me what she thinks based on fictional TV shows she's seen and the way she thinks vaccines are supposed to work. The in-laws don't really respect my wishes when it comes to mil not smoking - even outside- when around my baby and about wearing loads of perfume / cologne around the baby... hmmm or about washing hands. FIL told me my kid needed viruses. She was 4 weeks old.

Do you have family like this? If so, how do you handle it? 

[northwoods]

Ouch. I feel for you.

My mother isn't quite so extreme, but she makes comments every time I see her about how I hold the baby too much.

She often asks, "You just can't stand to see this baby cry, can you?" Um, no I can't. What am I supposed to do when the baby cries, put her down and walk away?

I can get really frustrated. I'm trying to be better about asking her what she did when we were little, whether or not I plan to take her advice. She's starting to ask what the new research says. So we're both trying to be respectful.

Hang in there!

[Knitting Mama]

Ugh, I'm sorry it's so hard for you, mama.

It may sound like your mother is concerned about spending a lot of money, but I personally think the underlying thing is that she feels like you're disparaging the way she raised you and her ideas on parenting. This is soooooooo common!! Just because we choose a different ideology for raising our kids doesn't mean our parents screwed up, but that is how they see it. Have you tried saying something to her like, "I appreciate everything you have done for me my whole life, and everything you do for me now. I just want you to know that even though I've chosen to parent in this way doesn't mean that I think you did anything wrong parenting me the way you did." Or something to that effect?

[Adaline'sMama]

I too have family like this. My mother and MIL both rolled their eyes at the thought of me using cloth diapers. If I were you, I would return the stroller to her and be thankful you have a mother who is excited about taking your child for walks. I would ignore the comments about how much you spend on baby carriers. Its your back carrying your babe, not hers. Its none of her concern. I was pretty diehard about babywearing, and unless you stay in air conditioning all the time, you probably will wear her less in the summer. LI dont have airconditioning, and I stopped wearing my DD in July when my house was 90 degrees. I still wore her when I went out most of the time, but a stroller was pretty handy on several occasions (like the very hot state fair that we spent 10 hours at).

If your mom lives an hour away, its not like she is seeing DD everyday. If it were me, I would totally dress her in the clothes your mom purchased when you know you are going to see her. I do this for my MIL who lives an hour away. I dont usually like the clothes she buys, but I dress her in them when we are going over there.

As far as plastic toys, I feel like while we can all say we dont want our kids to have plastic toys, but I feel like a compromise would be that YOU wont take any plastic toys to YOUR house. If she has plastic toys at her house for your DD to play with, they have to stay at her house.

I totally understand where you are coming from, and Im sorry you dont have more support in your chosen style of parenting/living. Your inlaws sound pretty much like inflamatory, evil, nasty people that I would never want to see. Your mother sounds like she is annoyed at how youve chosen to parent and she is making no secret of it. I would tell her that she could stand to keep her comments to a minimum. You also have to pick your battles too. Your mom is hearing lots and lots of "cants" and very little of what she CAN do.  No strollers, no plastic toys, no playpens, no dresses, no fun. I know that isnt how we look at it, we are just trying to make the best desicions for our children. As you said before, your DD only sees her ever week or so, so its not going to be the end of the world to spend one day out of 14 being a little upset in the car, wearing a dress, playing with plastic, and napping in a playpen. Maybe if you give a little, she will too.

[oaktreemama]

Wearing my son when it was hot outside was miserable for both of us. UGH-super sweaty messes we were. There is nothing wrong with a stroller. Most people I know-even avid babywearers-find a stroller useful. Especially a free one!!

I am also careful that when I feel I have to defend my way of raising my son, I am not disparaging or critical of how other people raised their kids. If you are presenting all of these beliefs as demands, you can really put people off and have them react more negatively then they would otherwise. Remember, you believe what you are doing is right, but there are a 1000 and one ways to effectively parent and no one holds all the keys or does it perfectly.

And honestly, as my son grew, a lot of the different things we did faded away. I am pretty anti-plastic, but I am not going to diss people or their gifts. We barely used the crib, but it was given out of love and I was not about to chance hurt feelings.

And having a playpen changing set at a house where I don't have to change the baby on the floor and where I am not sure of the level of baby proofing? Awesome.

[mauri456]

awe, i just wanted to say i understand.  my mil can get like this too.   she is constantly saying i hold the twins too much and that i need to put them down.  she  has learned not to say  much to me, which i guess is good.  but she saves it for my poor husband.   she also was pretty ok with bf'ing with my dd, but with the twins is constantly saying, they are nursing again....what does the doc think?  etc.    she also is really aggravated that i am sahm untill the summer.   i have no idea why.   she acts like i am being lazy despite the fact that my hubby and i have decided it is best for our family.    she constantly is asking when im going back to work.   up until the twins i worked tons of OT, supported  my hubby through his grad degree..... yet some how bc im slowing down temporarily she acts like im doing nothing.   oh and i am a PT grad student this semester too with baby twins.....ahhh!   it feels good to vent about this

[Hannah32]

Originally Posted by oaktreemama 

I am also careful that when I feel I have to defend my way of raising my son, I am not disparaging or critical of how other people raised their kids. If you are presenting all of these beliefs as demands, you can really put people off and have them react more negatively then they would otherwise. Remember, you believe what you are doing is right, but there are a 1000 and one ways to effectively parent and no one holds all the keys or does it perfectly.

I agree with this, though I do understand the OP's point. 

My mom has a million and one comments and we're not even that crunchy. My hubby has actually started actively disliking her, when he used to get along with her just fine. Like last week, she told me that I needed to be giving him 8 oz at a time in a bottle and I explained that bf babies aren't like that. She was like "well, I hope you're right, because you don't want to deprive your child." Blah blah blah......

[BabyBearsMummy]

WOW I  am so sorry that the people who should be supporting your parenting decisions the most keep cutting them down.

I had to hear a lot of opposition from those closest to me. "You will never stick with cloth diapering". "You should wean that baby already". "You shouldn't breastfeed in public".Somehow I found the strength to follow the path my heart told me to take. I still am. Sometimes my family still does not agree with the decision I make but they are learning to support me regardless of whether they agree. In part because I will not accept anything less. And I believe also because they have come to recognize that I am not making the decisions for myself but because I believe they are in my daughters best interest.

My grandmother tried to talk my daughter into weaning several times. My daughters response "Mummy I need milk". We can learn a lot from my daughter. You should never allow yourself to feel you need to defend your parenting choices. Simply do what is best for your children and the naysayers be damned.  At a minimum the naysayers can be silent but hopefully they will come to support your choices. 

[newmamalizzy]

On the one hand, if I hear my sister say "Why don't you just ______ (i.e. put her in the crib, let her cry, chill out about the fact that she doesn't nap, put her in the playpen, etc.)" one more time, I am going to tell her what SHE can "just" do.  It hurts more that because I thought she would be my greatest comforter and supporter, but she's made absolutely no effort to listen to me, understand how I'm feeling, or advise me in the context of what works for me and my baby.  Her other favorite phrase that I HATE to hear:  She's a BABY.  They CRY.  Argh!  My mom doesn't parent me enough to comment or criticize, but she does give me odd, uncomfortable stares. 

On the other hand, parenting does always have to be about what works for your baby, and your baby is not always going to prefer the things that fit in with your parenting philosophy.  Lots of babies DO love being rolled around in a stroller.  And plastic opposition or no, come on, a lot of those plastic toys are WAY fun.  Your baby might develop an obsession with the Disney Princess collection in a few years, despite your fervent opposition.  You just never know....

[McGucks]

Don't have time to respond to much, but you've got it bad, sister.  Whew.  The worst I've had to put up with other than minor annoyances from my MIL were the constant "offers" (demands) that I let her babysit without me or DH being there.  I thought saying no consistently and politely would work.  It didn't.  I finally left her a message one day so she couldn't interrupt me.  It said that we were not going to be having any babysitters for a long time, especially since he is EBF (minimal solids at 10 months) and that it wasn't personal, it was just the way we planned to handle things until he was older.  SIL and BIL like to party (I am a homebody), so she thought we'd be dropping our LO off with the same frequency they did.  Isn't gonna happen, especially after the way I've seen some things handled there with those children.  You are going to have to pick your battles, take the high road a lot, and decide what you can and can't take.  I think the frequency with which you all are seeing her is to be commended, especially considering how unpleasant it all is.

One thought, though.  I was very irritated with almost anything my MIL did or said for months after our LO was born.  Over time, I came to realize that many of the comments, toys I didn't think were okay, etc. would have actually not bothered me at all if they were from one of my buddies.  It helped me relax about her a bit.  There is a natural tension with MILs and DILs, in my opinion.  It's hard sometimes.  Your situation and some of the comments made, however, are awfully darn bad.  Ug.  Good luck!

[akind1]

You have gotten lots of great advice! Alot of places we go, I bring a carrier and a stroller. Sometimes we need a break from wearing, and sometimes, esp when shopping, it is nice to have a place to put your shopping bags!

As for carseat/car trips - DS and I know a lot of other babies that weren't very happy until either moving up to a convertible or forward facing (for us, it was forward facing, as he was in a convertible from day 1). It is one of those things that as much as it hurts me to hear him upset, I had to just grit my teeth and get through. Mama has to go places.

The crib: my parents made ours, so I definitely can't get rid of it! though he does sleep in it part of the time now. Unless baby is napping on you all the time, it is nice to have a secure place for baby to nap once they are mobile.

Neither of our parents are fully on board with vaccines, but they don't question us on that choice, or the choice to not circumcise our son. I told mom before he was born that he would be intact, and it was not negotiotable. Sometimes you just have to stand firm, especially if people are argumentative, don't try to explain or convince, just say this is our position, and stick to it. then change the subject.

I was asked by my mother if it was ok to still nurse after I announced my pregnancy. I just said "yes" and moved on.

I really don't try to convince people that what I am doing is the right or best way, I just let the results speak for themselves. DS is a happy, independent little man. And we are content with our choices, and those things speak louder than words

[P.J.]

It sounds like a really tough situation, and that your mom is making it all about her. You need to get tough with setting boundaries, like a PP said, just make things non-negotiable. I have said "I will not discuss this with you" to my SIL more than once, and then you change the subject. It worked it my case!

I also agree with what others have suggested that you may need to give a little and try to see things from your mom's perspective. It sounds like she loves her grandchild and wants to be part of it's life. My MIL is mostly respectful of us and our ways, but she totally does not get baby wearing. She insisted on buying us a stroller, and she is the one who uses it most....I have to admit it is convenient for shopping and holding groceries, but besides that we rarely use it. However, when MIL comes round (once a month or so), she loves taking DS for long walks in the stroller, so what's the harm in that? Or, like a PP suggested, relax a bit with the plastic toy thing and/or the pack and play thing and agree that only at grandma's house. If it would help her feel more included and involved and happy, is it really going to damage your baby in the long run? This may sound political, but if you compromise on those things a bit, when she starts in with her list of issues you can always call on the fact that you have relaxed your ways to fit for her, and why can't she do the same?

[Calliope84]

I told her she could try taking DD for a walk in the stroller when she comes visit.

I also love that she has the changing station and everything at her house (and have told her so) but she expects the baby to be in in all the time or something. I also am very grateful for the crib and the things she has gotten me and I say that, too. I do plan to use the crib for naps once the baby will actually sleep alone for a nap and it becomes  a toddler bed in a few years, so that is great, too. I tell her all this. I do think maybe she is taking it personally that I want to parent differently than she did... She told me today I should just let her cry for 10 minutes and see if that settles her down. She basically let me know that being sensitive to my baby trying to communicate with me will spoil her and that she thinks babies can be manipulative. I know that is old-school thinking. The truth is my mom has some issues and my sister and I had a pretty unhappy childhood with her. She isn't comfortable showing affection and she was abusive. So... I definitely don't want to do a lot of the things my mom thinks are OK. (And it is immature but now I REALLY want to babywear in the summer lol)  As for the plastic toys and such, I've told her several times I have no problem if she keeps the toys at her home for DD. I don't mind if she plays with them as a special treat over there. She will probably be excited to go over there and get to play with the toys at grandmas.

I had cancer as a teen and I am not messing around with things. I have an autoimmune disease now, probably triggered early by the chemo, because family on my dad's side have it, too. I'm not rubbing baby lotion loaded with chemicals on my kid, I'm not feeding her nasty food, and we are keeping the chemicals in her toys to a minimum. We don't use things with artificial fragrance in our house because of phthalates and we use natural cleaning products. She is already surrounded with chemicals all day long in the furniture, electronics, and other stuff in the house. I just want to do what I can to lower the amount she comes into contact with. My entire family should be understanding my point of view.  Obviously I have some genes in me that made me vulnerable to developing cancer and as a cancer survivor I am at risk for second types of cancers. DD has some of my genes and could be vulnerable, too. It just seems like no one takes the chemicals and stuff as seriously as me, but I think they are just uneducated about it, even if I have tried to educate them. They just can't believe it is a big deal.

[sk8boarder15]

I get some from my family, but my sister really broke them in for me! So EBF/babywearing etc... doesn't seem that weird to them anymore! The one thing that REALLY BOTHERS me is comments about the fact that my son is not circ'ed. WHY ON EARTH is that ANY OF THIER BUSINESS!? The contents of my son's diaper are between him and me and anyone I care to share it with! Many of them joke about it, or make comments about it behind my back that make it back to me. Goodness they have NO CLASS! I can take the other comments... both those ones make me want to freak out. Do an ounce of research and realize why I made the decision I did, don't just mock it becuase your husbands/sons look differant. /End Rant

My MIL bothers me sometimes too, but I get over it. She realized its was silly for her to get a crib at her house now... maybe as a toddler he'll nap in it, but for now she's learned its pointless. 

[greenmulberry]

Originally Posted by Calliope84 

My in-laws can be equally annoying. They call me a "communist" and "nazi"

Sorry, haven't had a chance to read other replies, but being called a "nazi" is MUCH bigger deal than annoying! How aweful!
 

[newsolarmomma2]

From both of your posts you seem to be a very reasonable person, dealing with unreasonable people. The communist and Nazi comments are really rude, I would have had it out with them over that. Maybe they don't eat organic, and thats their choice, but there is no reason for them to be rude about it. I don't know how you stand it!

FWIW, I don't think it much matters how you parent, just being one invites LOTS of judgement. sadly, it often comes from those who are suppose to be there for you. I expected my Mom to be much more supportive, but I STILL get all manner of nasty comments. every time I tell her why we are doing something different than she did (late solids is one), its like a war. She wont let up, pestering me until I either screAm back or give in. We agree on lots of stuff, but it doesn't matter. Nothing I do is good enough- I don't hold him enough, or talk to him the right way, or feed him the right food, etc, etc etc. UGH.

She was a SAHM, and Im not, my DH is a SAHD, but she HATES him which doesn't help. Everytime I say how good of a job he is doing, she gets annoyed. She swears she's not going to keep saying bad stuff about DH in front of our DS, but I don't see her stopping when he can understand. Its just too tempting to complain about him. And DH is a GREAT Daddy!

They live in Ohio, We are in Mexico near San Diego, and I never get to hear the end of how we are abandoning them on purpose. I can't help the economy sucks there and the industry Im in is weak there and strong in CA (solar power). I support everyone, so if I don't work, we are all in trouble. I miss them like crazy, but last time I visited I begged her to quit telling me Im a sucky parent, but she wouldn't. She said I didn't deserve my son (!), to which I said "Say it again, we are leaving and not coming back". You would think I was abusive or something with this attitude.

I love them very much, but these comments are hurtful. My Dad is better, but that's because he doesn't talk much, lol. If I bring it up, its sure to cause a fight. so, I go along with it and try to let them enjoy my sweet baby with a minimum of hassle. I figure they are just lonely and this is how they express it, but it sure doe ant make me want to visit for long periods of time. (and my DH is not welcome, so me and DS have to go alone).

Ahhhh parents- keeping the balance between respecting and loving them and doing what you need to for your own family. Its harder when they DO try to be helpful and loving. Attitude from in laws is different to me, but I don't have to worry about it, they are laid back (not helpful, won't bother to visitbut laid back at least). Ok, Im done ranting. I just TOTALLY FEEL YOU on this one!!!!!!!!