My friends are heading into some deep debt, but are trying for another baby! I feel like saying...

[MamitaM]

I don't think it's my place though. I have friends, I'm not very close friends with them though and they are both always telling me how they can't afford things yet they are trying for another baby. The mama of the couple is always telling me how she can't afford rent and she admits that they took their current apartment even though they knew it was to expensive for them. I ask if we can meet for a coffee or for a play date at my place and she has to say no b/c she doesn't have the money for bus fare to get to my place. They both talk about opening a new business even though they have no money to start it and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be able to get a loan for it. The mama is also wanting to open a photography business and wants to sell crafts on-line. I don't think she's ready to do her photography yet and I'm not sure she's making much with the crafts. They are always trying to sell their stuff to make money for rent or for a bus pass. So I don't know why they are trying for another baby now or how the mama can afford to be doing on-line shopping (cloth diapers) as much as she does. I know if they have another baby now their little one they all ready have won't be getting what he needs and they will struggle even more with rent and bills. This worries me, but I just don't think it's my place to say anything.

[tinuviel_k]

Since they are not close friends and they have not asked your opinion I say leave it alone: it's none of your business. They'll figure out how to make it work and/or will need to make some life style changes.

[matey]

I think you're right, it isn't your place.

My BIL and SIL are trying for #2 and completely not financially ready. They live rent free at my in-laws and pay for nothing. They waste their money on toys for themselves, like video games and kindles, while my in-laws support them and their child. Meanwhile, my FIL has had trouble getting work and told my DH that he's worried about losing the house. So my BIL's idea to try for #2 seems really stupid to me. But it would really not do anything good for me to say something. In fact, in would only cause problems. Finances is an area where I think it is best to MYOB.

[woodchick]

I know people (and have even been guilty of this myself)  who say that they can't afford things, but what they really mean is that they are choosing to spend their money on other things.  This could be the case with your friends.

I have to agree with PP. Unless asked for budget advice you really can't get involved.

[annekevdbroek]

I had good friends who spent themselves into debt several times their annual incomes. It was painful to listen as they talked about new purchases (always impulsive, always something very expensive - like a $1200 fridge). These were *good* friends. I really had to bite my tongue. I found that any concern I expressed was just generally disregarded or minimized.

Anyhow, there isn't a lot you can say. Clearly, if they can't afford bus fare they *know* they are in a bad place, they are just in denial or choosing not to do anything about it. It took my friends maxed out credit cards, on which they could no longer even make minimum payments, and their inability to buy groceries (because they couldn't use the maxed credit cards) to serve as a wake-up call. Fortunatly, they got some actually very good debt counseling and have been dilegent about following a budget for a couple years now.

[annekevdbroek]

whoopise double post

[Ruthiegirl]

Step away and say nothing.  It is not your place.  Unless she is asking for money or advice, it is simply not your business.  I know lots and lots of people who are outrageously bad with their money.   People who make a ton and spend every dime.  People who make very little, but benefit from a huge tax returns and spend it all and more on a trip to the islands.  

There is nothing I can say that will change other people's habits.  And you are right, it is painful and worrying to watch. 

[GoBecGo]

Find the number of a really good debt counsellor and save it for the day when they ASK specifically for help.  Until that day keep quiet.  It's not your business (though you are a sweet friend for worrying).

[Coconut Chronicles]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

Find the number of a really good debt counsellor and save it for the day when they ASK specifically for help.  Until that day keep quiet.  It's not your business (though you are a sweet friend for worrying).

This is a great idea!

[Stayseeliz]

Unless it is your very best buddy and you can talk about anything I wouldn't say anything.

[starling&diesel]

I wouldn't say anything either.  None of your business.  And is another baby going to change their situation much?  Sounds like they're managing now, however messily.

[HollyBearsMom]

totally not your place, reinforced by the fact these are not even *good* friends, never mind best friends or family. 

[GirlBoyGirl]

Totally not your place to say, you don't know the whole story, leave her be.

[zebra15]

Honestly people 'talk' all the time.  Not being able to afford bus fare could just be her excuse not to come over that day. (I've had some pretty lame excuses in the past for getting out of things).  She may be talking thru ideas: the online craft store, DH business, future planning etc.  You really dont know what her and DH plans are, you dont know what the finances are like in that house.

This is not your problem.

[Logan]

Sounds like their problem is not the amount of money coming in but how they choose to spend it. She probably doesnt have money for bus fare because she spent it on cloth nappies and other tihings. That is her choice and so is it to have another baby. She probably doesn't even realize that her spending is the reason she is broke. I know I used to be like that and it never occurred to me at the time to spend below my means. I learned about being debt free and there is no going back for me now. But its only now looking back I can see how stupid I was with money. She won't change until she wants to change herself.  

[Adaline'sMama]

I also agree that if they arent your very closest friends you shouldnt say anything.

On of my (kidless) best friends mentioned to me that she didnt think it was okay to make the desicion to have children until you had at least $5,000 in the bank. She had no idea that I was 6 weeks pregnant when she told me that. But even if I hadnt been pregnant, I think I would have been offended, because her finances are totally different than mine. She has access to her parents money, and we have to pay for everything 100% on our own. My husband and I are forever looking for ways to better our life, but that doesnt always mean having plenty of money. We both run our own businesses, we made a huge move out to a rural place (taking a huge financial risk), and we often cant afford things on the very day we need to be able to afford them. Jeeze, if I waited until I could pay all my bills on time and had savings, we wouldnt have had kids until we were 40. I dont think there is anything wrong with that, but it just wasnt my desicion. I would rather have all my kids young and be poor than wait until we could "afford" to have children.