Divorced but staying under the same roof - need advice and support

[worthy]

This is all new to me.  I never thought it would happen.  My DH and I are divorcing without plans for reconciliation.  We are planning to stay under one roof in our current house at least for a few years and ideally until the kids are out of the house.

We are going to shift some things around in our split-level house and he's going to have the downstairs, which we can eventually turn into an apartment for him.  I will have the upstairs rooms and we will share some living space (like kitchen/entry/bath) for awhile, but we can make his space have separate kitchen/entry/bath pretty easily over time.

Our plan is to ease into this new living arrangement.  He wants to be 100% present for the kids as always, and we are committed to continuing to homeschool, and our relationship is very amicable under the circumstances.  We co-parent well together, we intend to continue sharing house maintenance and finances, and we both agree about what the priorities are and that the kids' needs come first (which is our main reason for both staying in the house).  We have four kids ages 6-12.

Has anyone here ever gone this route, whether it worked for you or not?  What are possible pitfalls that I haven't thought about?

We intend to have legal documents drawn up within the next few months and to get a legal divorce.  We want everything spelled out legally in case either one of us goes batshit-crazy at some point and reneges on the agreement.

This was not my idea to begin with and it has been a difficult week for us, but I am in agreement that this is for the best for all of us.

If he's in the house, do I call myself a single mom?  What are the legal things I should know about?

I could use some support and advice.

[NolaRiordan]

I commend you for keeping the kids needs first and being amicable. And I think making everything legal now while you are getting along is very wise. But I have to say I think this is going to be VERY difficult.

Have you talked about what you are going to tell your kids? How do you think they will feel about it?

Do either of you have family in town you could stay with? Just thinking you might be better off trying for a birds nest type arrangement where the kids stay put and you and STBX rotate in and out.

[NolaRiordan]

Do you own your home? It will have to be divided up somehow in the divorce so one of you will likely be the legal owner and the other person will then be a tennant.

[Petie1104]

I'm not a single parent but saw the title and had to read....

Are you OK staying single for the next 12 years?  Is your soon to be ex?  I think that would cause some tension if one of you decided to go out with someone. 

If both of you are fine with that, then good, but make sure you have a plan if one of you meets someone.

[stephbrownthinks]

Oh man, I do not see this ending well. When my ex and I divorced (no kids at the time) we tried living in the same apartment in different bedrooms (on different floors). It was awful. I would feel frustrated because he was no longer contributing to chores because he didn't feel like it was his responsibility any more. It was awkward when friends would visit. It was HORRIBLE when he decided to start dating again and would be talking to his new girlfriend on the phone in the next room or getting fixed up and leaving at all hours of the night.

If you had asked me before, I never would have believed any of these things would happen.

I've had a few friends (with kids) try the same thing and it seems like it just creates more tension and is even harder on the kids. At least if you are seperate, as unfortunate as it is, they can get used to it.

Right now its easy to think that you get along well and things like dating and finances and maintenance would never be an issue. But I think for the vast majority of people, this kind of living arrangement just makes things even harder.

[worthy]

Originally Posted by stephbrownthinks 

Right now its easy to think that you get along well and things like dating and finances and maintenance would never be an issue. But I think for the vast majority of people, this kind of living arrangement just makes things even harder.

I'm not thinking that it will never be an issue.  We're starting with this plan with the assumption that we will adjust over time and change things as needed.  If either of us is unhappy and wants to relocate, we will do that, but for now we feel the kids' needs are highest priority and we can suck-up-and-deal a bit for that higher purpose.

We are both "on the same team," yk?  I am guessing that is not usually the norm in divorce. 

[worthy]

We're not assuming that we'll stay single, but we are assuming that we'll thoughtfully cross that bridge when we get there, and neither of us expects it will be soon.  We'll take it one step at a time; nothing is set in stone except our intent to meet the needs of our kids to have present, healthy parents and to be homeschooled (which I know others will not have as a priority, but it is very important to us in our situation).
 

Originally Posted by Petie1104 

I'm not a single parent but saw the title and had to read....

Are you OK staying single for the next 12 years?  Is your soon to be ex?  I think that would cause some tension if one of you decided to go out with someone. 

If both of you are fine with that, then good, but make sure you have a plan if one of you meets someone.

[worthy]

I appreciate your insights, but I'm going to guess that your situation in your divorce was quite different than in mine.  We would not be making this arrangement if it was not for the kids.  Also our goal is for him to actually have his own apartment within our house - totally possible given the layout and specs of our house; the downstairs level has its own bathroom and kitchen with a minor bit of rearranging (that kitchen is currently the laundry room).  I think having separate kitchens and bathrooms will help with the not-wanting-to-interact-over-chores thing. 

Since we reached this agreement, we're finding it easier to talk about housework and maintenance than ever before...
 

Originally Posted by stephbrownthinks 

...When my ex and I divorced (no kids at the time) we tried living in the same apartment in different bedrooms (on different floors). It was awful. I would feel frustrated because he was no longer contributing to chores because he didn't feel like it was his responsibility any more. It was awkward when friends would visit. It was HORRIBLE when he decided to start dating again and would be talking to his new girlfriend on the phone in the next room or getting fixed up and leaving at all hours of the night.

[Petie1104]

I have the highest hopes for you in this.  I really think that if it works as planned, the kids will not have to have split loyalties of which parent to spend time with.  That would be nice.  I really hope you all stay happy with this arrangement.

[rubelin]

my ex moved out and into the house next door, so we have a similar situation. It actually has allowed for less contact than if we had to do formal exchanges of the children, since we only need to call to say the children are coming and they just walk across the lawn. We kept their routines as similar as possible, with Daddy continuing to do breakfasts (he'd been getting up with them in the mornings since oldest was 2 since his work schedule meant he couldn't get home before they went to bed) and Sundays as Daddy day.

I've found that living right next door has forced us to remain civil and to keep the kids interests at the forefront. We've also always been on the same page with nearly everything, which helps immensely. We have dealt with dating but it's more the issues of the kids not seeing our dates before we want them to that is more important.

[stephbrownthinks]

OP, I just re-read my post and realized it sounds pretty negative, sorry about that:) I'm sure your situation is much much different than mine but I do have a few sets of friends that tried living together after a divorce "for the kids" and it didn't work out. However, there is always an exception and I really hope it works out and everyone is happy! It would be great for your children to have full access to both of you and the way your house is set up sounds great too. Good luck!

[worthy]

Thank you, this is encouraging, especially the bold part.  If you have specific advice on pitfalls or logistics I would be grateful to hear them.

I'm having ups and downs about this.  We came close to arguing last night and I can see that this arrangement is not going to be perfect, but no arrangement can be perfect in this situation, and I think if we just forge ahead we'll find our way and make choices that make sense.

I'm definitely still in shock though.  Trying to take care of myself and hope to get somewhat of a handle on it before we tell the kids.
 

Originally Posted by rubelin 

my ex moved out and into the house next door, so we have a similar situation. It actually has allowed for less contact than if we had to do formal exchanges of the children, since we only need to call to say the children are coming and they just walk across the lawn. We kept their routines as similar as possible, with Daddy continuing to do breakfasts (he'd been getting up with them in the mornings since oldest was 2 since his work schedule meant he couldn't get home before they went to bed) and Sundays as Daddy day.

I've found that living right next door has forced us to remain civil and to keep the kids interests at the forefront. We've also always been on the same page with nearly everything, which helps immensely. We have dealt with dating but it's more the issues of the kids not seeing our dates before we want them to that is more important.

[emilysmama]

OP, I'm not a single parent, but your post made me think of this article. 

[AugustLia23]

I tried this with my ex when we split last year. We intentionally moved into a house in a new city together with our 3 kids. While I agree that the ideal is to keep the family unit intact, even when the family isn't, it is extremely difficult in practice for several reasons. For us, we needed some time apart to cool off. Our communication had turned rotten in the course of our relationship and the breakup didn't help. Feelings were raw. She was in a new relationship, and I, frankly, couldn't move on, even though I didn't want to be in the relationship any longer. Six months in she moved out, and things finally began to get better. At some point I would love for us to be able to share a duplex, but I don't see us ever sharing the same indoor space again.

[rubelin]

You're very welcome.

I would suggest that you get your living spaces completely separated asap. I did live with my ex (who was pretty emotionally and verbally abusive by that point) in the same house with separate bedrooms for several months before he moved out and it was wretched beyond belief. The good part of living next door is the not having to see each other much and having space to have separate lives. We can be in our own safe spaces and the kids can very easily move between us but we didn't have to interact much in person.

Spell out schedules clearly. Everyone knowing when they are going to be where has helped a lot. I was always the main caregiver and the main household organizer and, even though I would love to not be responsible for everything, I've continued with that role to make sure that everything was covered.

I'd also make some specific rules about where he will spend time with the kids when he has them and I can see boundaries getting fuzzy with each of you right there. We had trouble with the boys wanting to go back and forth between the houses over and over so we set up limits of Daddy time is daddy time and momma time is momma time. I don't allow them to just go over to daddies to get something they forgot because that is his private time. We also call before sending them over. I respect these limits more than he does, but he's gotten better at not just sending them back over to me for trivial things.

It's a process to find your groove and you have to stay focused on the kids but it can work. We've been living this way for 3.5 years now and it's been bumpy but I think we've settled in and neither of us really wants to be farther from our kids than we are. It has been wonderful for the kids who adjusted so well to the split that my oldest's teachers didn't even realize his parents were split up even 2 years after it had happened.
 

Originally Posted by worthy 

Thank you, this is encouraging, especially the bold part.  If you have specific advice on pitfalls or logistics I would be grateful to hear them.