At a cross roads

[Dani Davids mum nz]

I am currently at a loss with my marriage, my husband and I are quite young and we have two amazing little boys together.

Dh see's his contribution to our family as soley financial, he goes to work 12hrs a day to provide for us but comes home and acts like a complete slob. I am so sick of carrying his extra weight, sick of hearing everyone praising him, when in fact they have no idea at all what he is really like to live with. He see's our son's for an hour or less on weeknights yet he has no patience or understanding for them. He is rough with our son, trying to teach him to be tough, but instead our son is scared of him and doesnt trust his dad. He chooses to not be actively involved in parenting the boys on the weekends. He wonders why they don't listen to him, it's because he is never here and chooses to use inconsistent methods of parenting.

He always has an excuse for where these issues stem from he has had depression in the past and has continous weight issues which are now bordering on obesity. His father died when he was 15, his mother was a lesbian for 15yrs while he was growing up. His mother was in and out relationships while he was growing up. I guess he know's no stable home. That would make me strive to be a good solid parent. He is not present emotionally or physically for our son's or me. He is setting such a bad example for our sons.

Because he is never here, i hardly miss him. The boys see him so infrequently If we split up they'd probably see him more. I have tried so many times to help him with so many things, his on and off depression i have tried to motivate him to eat better and exercise. Yet here we are again. His way of dealing with issues is to sweep them under the carpet. and not deal with it.

Where to from here.......................? I am feeling resentful and angry towards him now. I don't want my children to be involved in this kind of behavior.

[AttunedMama]

The sooner you leave, the sooner you're out there enjoying what life has to offer you without the baggage of the relationship. It sounds to me like you're done with it. I'd go(I am in a similar situation and I am on my way out). 

[lab]

I was in the same position you are in now at one time in my life.   Except I had three children.  My husband left in the morning before the kids (and me) got up and came home after they were in bed.

We had nothing in common and quite honestly I didn't even really like the guy, let alone love him.  Like your husband, he had a tough childhood and I detested the way he treated my children.  Because of that, I didn't want him to parent my children.  

I worked on my marriage.  I worked on loving my husband for who he was and encouraging him to seek treatment with me.  It wasn't easy, but man it was worth it!

We have been together for 22 years now.  Married 20 and we are just crazy about each other.

I can't wait for the kids to leave so I can get time alone with my husband.!!!

[LROM]

OP your post has me wondering what it was about him that drew you to him in the first place?  What was your relationship like in the beginning, and when did it change so much?

Depending on why you chose him to start with and what changed, I guess that would affect any advice I have for you. 

What attracted you to him at the start and why did you choose to marry him? 

[mami2f3]

Dani Davids mum:

I relate, and feel pretty desperate about my relationship, but I do think there is some hope. You say he sweeps problems under the carpet and this seems like something that counseling could really help with. It was hard to get my dh to find time for counseling of course because like yours he was never there, yet setting a hard ultimatum seemed to help. 

Also, though you hardly miss him, you may miss him some and have gotten used to the lack. Maybe that means there is something there you miss and could regain? 

I don't know and I'm not encouraging you to stay if it feels wrong to do so.

BTW
Lab: what made your marriage shift so much?

[lab]

Hey mami - What made us start working together was therapy.  For both us of....

And what really made us decide to work on it was our kids.   Our oldest was almost 6 at the time.  We were sitting the kids down to tell them that we had decided to separate.   They were 2, 4 and 5.   We told them that mommy and daddy were not talking to each other and we were arguing.  We told them 'you know how sometimes you have to go to your room when you argue, well we have the same room so we need to make a different room until we can get along.'  My 4 year old little girl kept saying, Mommy, Daddy's right there.  Talk to him.  My 5 year ds started pulling at his hair  and making a gutteral scream.  It was  heartbreaking. My sweet little 2 year old boy kept pointing at our family picture.... It was so devastating to them....  Gosh - I'm getting choked up thinking about it now. 

So anyway - that was a wake up for both of us.  Things were still VERY difficult between us for the next 6 months.   One of my husband's therapist told him we would never be able to get past the trust issues and that things looked pretty bleak....  We had one therapist who was very religious - that didn't work for me.  But I can honestly say how glad I am that we worked it out.  I feel so confident in my relationship.  It is such a nice feeling. 

[Alotufuz]

Ok, I say take it extremely slow.  Singleness,  singleness with kids is on e of the toughest jobs out there.  The way you feel about your partner, will soon be the way you feel about yourself.  It will take that much work to keep a roof and food intact.  Don't fool yourself in believing his child support will help things, because there is no guarntee if or when it comes.

Since he is gone the majority of the day. ENJOY IT.  Make it the most excellent time for you and your kiddos.  Run them ragged during the day, get their bath and dinner done, so when dh comes home the are already zonked.  Trust it can be done.  Appreciate him for giving you the ability to stay home.  Trust me you will sorely miss that.  On the weekends, say hey I am sure you need some down time so the kids and are going to busy ourselves over here, you stay in bed and rest.  Kiss and good bye.  We can not change our men.  We can encourage but we can not make them out to be different.  He may be a distant father.  He may be a smelly slob (my words not yours).  But as others posted, he has already been chosen.  What you can control now is how you are going to respond to the situation. 

My husband works 16 each day.  He leaves at 530am and returns around 1230am.  He doesn't see the children during the week, except for possible sick babies, or bad dreams.  I know he is doing that for our well being.  So that when his children go in the refrigerator there is something there, maybe even a choice of items.    I always let them kids now where he is and that as prices rise and everything cost more, not them, but gas, heat, freak'n toilet paper we as parents have to meet the demands.  If he didn't chose to work this way.  I would have to.  And to be honest while he was going through depression this summer.  I did.  As a mom I was hurt and frustrated.  But I had to pay bills.  While he is no SAH Dad, the kids were safe, fed, and with someone they loved and loved them, even if they did play hours of PSP3. 

As many of these ladies have already mentioned it takes work.  After many years, you will find wow I think I hated him for an entire year.  Or wow did we really go that long without....But it is work, let's be honest some of us are no peach pies either.  I like to remember...Love is an action.  It is not something someone else makes you feel.  That was a lie.  Love means and does whatever possible to make that person feel good.  It doesn't mean sacrificing your soul or morals.  But it does mean running this marathon knowing in the end you may not get anything back, except for the fact that you were able to give love.  Now you know why wives say oh my husband that's my (insert number) child.  Because it's unconditional. 

In the end you may choose to go.  Understand things will not be immediately easier.  It's all about choices and than understanding and taking full responsibility for those choices.  Hug those boys and take them out in the sun, show them how you love them.

Take care, hope to hear how it's going

[SeekingSerenity]

I have to agree with what other mamas on here have already said. Marriage isn't easy, and it takes two. My husband was all of the things yours is, except I had abuse issues. So my choices were not as difficult - I *had* to leave. It was a safety thing, and getting the kids away from a rapidly escalating violent situation. But you don't have those issues (I hope) in your marriage - and I'd have given anything to JUST have the husband who was distant/selfish/single-minded. I'd like to think I could have somehow gotten those problems worked out, to have made a good partnership out of it. I didn't have that option.

Keep in mind what Alotufuz (just above this post) said about single parenting. All I got to say on that is... O. M. G. Talk about tough. Everything, mama, EVERYTHING, is on you. Right now, you stay home and he brings home the bacon. I understand how hard it is when that is literally ALL he does. You get resentful, of course you do. You have needs too, and you feel they aren't being met. He doesn't help with the kids because he sees that as being part of YOUR job. Yeah, it's not fair. You two need to find some time to talk, a neutral place and without the kids, and you need to decide before talking that each will be allowed to have their say uninterrupted. Let him tell you how he feels, and don't respond until he's done. Then you tell him how you feel... both of you are apt to have your feelings hurt, but from there, you can start to work towards a middle ground. If you love him, or if you even think you can get back the love that drew you to him initially, then you can commit towards a solution and trust that he can too. (Of course, that is something he has to decide.) Because I am not kidding, you think and feel like you are alone right now, but until you truly are, you just have a hard time understanding just how difficult being alone is. In every way. Trying to provide for those kids yourself is going to be the thing you think about most, so if you feel neglected in your personal time now, you will feel utterly abandoned later. Personal time? Ha. All I ever do is worry, I never have time to relax.

Don't get me wrong, for me and my kids, this is what's best. But I have a feeling you can piece your marriage, your family and your love back together. Don't give up, mama. It's hard, hard work, but what awaits you if you leave is countless times more difficult. Much love to you... keep us posted.