Another child after SN child?

[BeautyforAshes]

How did you decide if/when to have another child after your child with SN?  What things factored into your decision?  I went for my annual gyno checkup today, and he strongly urged us to start trying right away if we want another bio child (I'm 38).  DD (T21)  is 2yrs old now.  Her heath is stable now, but she is pretty high-need and doesn't sleep well.  I'm not as overwhelmed by it all as I was, but I'm still nervous about how we would handle adding a baby to the mix.  (BTW, kudos to all you mamas who deal with multiple little ones in addition to the special needs--I don't know how you do it!)

[askew]

When I had my DD I wanted another immediately. As in by the time she was 4 months old I was begging DH to try. In retrospect, I think I was trying to replace the idea of my daughter I was supposed to have. It was as if I was saying, fine, I will raise a SN child but I still want the NT one too. Now DD is 18 months and I know I am done. I have a NT 4 year old, so in that respect I already have two. I just know I can't handle any more kids. If I ended up having another SN kid, it might kill me. My DH adjusted much better to DD's issues, none of which we knew prenatally, much better than I did. It was a long process for me. So that is where my decision came from. 

[jenniet]

I have a special needs 4 year old and a NT 2 year old.  We did not realize the depth of our older son's issues when we got pregnant the second time, we thought he "would grow out of it."  Honestly, if I had realized the extent of my eldest child's issues (we are awaiting a diagnosis but believe he on the autism spectrum)  I would never have had a second child.  I love and adore my second child and can't imagine our lives without him.  He was/is an "easy" baby.  Still...it has been really, really hard.  I am a SAHM and cannot take my two children out by myself and cannot afford help.  I have a very hard time giving them the attention they both need and deserve.  On the weekends when my husband is home we "divide and conquer" and although this works out for the children, I miss my husband!  

Now, this is my situation but if my son had been diagnosed earlier and was progressing in therapy, and I could afford a regular, reliable baby-sitter, I think I might feel differently.  Good luck mama!  It's such a personal and difficult decision.  

[Emmeline II]

At the time we decided on #2, we just thought ds was "difficult" and what were the chances of that happening twice (one really difficult baby per generation seems to be the norm in our families)? #2 turned out to be an easy child but it was still difficult dealing with ds' behavior issues and giving attention to dd. Now ds is doing much better and dd will be going to school next year so life is generally easier.

[StephandOwen]

My ds has autism and sensory issues. He turned 7 in October. We did not even consider having another baby until last summer (when ds was just shy of 7 years old). I would have been crazy trying to care for ds and a new baby. Before that ds had some pretty violent tantrums that scared the crap out of me when I thought of having a baby around. I didn't trust myself that I could keep a baby safe from ds. DS still required (requires still) a lot of one-on-one attention (he's a flight risk- he still escapes and wanders off). I was terrified of how I would be able to even go grocery shopping with ds and an infant/toddler.

Last spring ds had surgery to remove his tonsils and adenoids (he had obstructive sleep apnea). After the recovery was over, ds did marvelous! He's sleeping all night now (he was 6 years 5 months at the time of the surgery and had almost never slept through the night! I was so exhausted!). Since he's actually sleeping, his daytime behavior has improved a ton. I no longer have the fear that he would hurt a baby. Actually, quite the opposite. A few months after his surgery he started talking about babies all the time and asking if we could have a baby. He tells me constantly that he would be gentle with a baby and he would sing to it and read it stories and teach it all kinds of things.

DH and I got married on January 1st and ds told all his teachers and friends that "my mom and dad are getting married so they can have another baby". LOL!

As of right now I am not pregnant, but we are strongly considering adding a baby to our family No way could I have even considered this when ds was younger. Even a year ago I would have gone crazy with ds and a baby.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by jenniet 

I have a special needs 4 year old and a NT 2 year old.  We did not realize the depth of our older son's issues when we got pregnant the second time, we thought he "would grow out of it."  Honestly, if I had realized the extent of my eldest child's issues (we are awaiting a diagnosis but believe he on the autism spectrum)  I would never have had a second child.  

Our situation is similar, older child on the spectrum, had second child before realizing the extent of the problem.

But we are on the other end: my kids are now 14 and 12. It gets so much better. Truly. Much better, much easier. Much saner. There were some very tough years in there, and they were hard on me and hard on marriage. But I'm truly grateful now for both my kids, and I'm so glad they have each other. They learn a lot from each other, and I think that part of the reason that my SN dd does as well as she does is that she has a sibling who helps her out, a built in peer, a bridge to the world. And my NT dd is an amazing and empathic person, but how could she not be? She has grown up loving and accepting some one who is *different.*

But part of what makes it possible to feel that way is that both of them are doing really well right now. My younger DD gets to do things through her school that we can never do as a family (like explore caves and go backpacking) and my older Dd is in a situation that works for her. She's happy.

We've gone through some bleak times where nothing seemed to be working, but then there is some sort of break and things get better. I understand how tough things are for you right now, but they really will get better.

Peace.

(and I've no advice for the OPer)

[beachcomber]

Like Jenniet, we had our son before we realized the extent of our daughter's problems. She is on the Autisim Spectrum but is very high-functioning. Not that it makes things any easier. She's full on intense 90% of the day and frankly it's exhausting. But I cherish my son. He's 20 months and the picture of neuro-typical. I really value the contribution he brings. He was an easy baby, an easy young toddler and even now that he's into the tantrums and terrors, he's just ... wonderful ... in his very normality. The differences between make me love her more for the struggles I see her facing and love him more for his drive, determination, independence, and other traits she hasn't got. He's helped me to see better what supports she needs. She is very good to him and loves him dearly. He thinks the world of her. While it's hard now at times, I'm very glad they have each other. He loves her for who she is and always will. She needs that unconditional kid love in her corner.

Overall, if I had this to do again, I would. They're both precious and they help each other and I see them doing this throughout their childhood. It's worth the struggle.

[jenniet]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Originally Posted by jenniet 

I have a special needs 4 year old and a NT 2 year old.  We did not realize the depth of our older son's issues when we got pregnant the second time, we thought he "would grow out of it."  Honestly, if I had realized the extent of my eldest child's issues (we are awaiting a diagnosis but believe he on the autism spectrum)  I would never have had a second child.  

Our situation is similar, older child on the spectrum, had second child before realizing the extent of the problem.

But we are on the other end: my kids are now 14 and 12. It gets so much better. Truly. Much better, much easier. Much saner. There were some very tough years in there, and they were hard on me and hard on marriage. But I'm truly grateful now for both my kids, and I'm so glad they have each other. They learn a lot from each other, and I think that part of the reason that my SN dd does as well as she does is that she has a sibling who helps her out, a built in peer, a bridge to the world. And my NT dd is an amazing and empathic person, but how could she not be? She has grown up loving and accepting some one who is *different.*

But part of what makes it possible to feel that way is that both of them are doing really well right now. My younger DD gets to do things through her school that we can never do as a family (like explore caves and go backpacking) and my older Dd is in a situation that works for her. She's happy.

We've gone through some bleak times where nothing seemed to be working, but then there is some sort of break and things get better. I understand how tough things are for you right now, but they really will get better.

Peace.

(and I've no advice for the OPer)

Thank you so much for your perspective, it brought tears to my eyes.  

[Guinevere]

It's such a personal decision, influenced by so many factors. I have no direct advice for you, OP.

Instead, I can tell you what ran through my mind while we were deciding what to do and how it's turned out thus far:

Sophie (also T21, now almost 5 yrs.) is #5 in our family line-up, but she was definitely supposed to be our last child (actually, to be honest, #4 was supposed to be our last, but her pg/birth/infancy was so lovely that I immediately knew I had to do it all again one last time.) I was 34 when Sophie was born.

After her birth (which was traumatic -- emergency c-section b/c placenta failed at 35w, she had apgars of 1 and 1 and spent 6 weeks in the NICU) and subsequent diagnosis with Down Syndrome, I really mourned that my final memories of childbirth would be forever linked to all the pain and trauma we both experienced. It seemed like such a sad ending. Ironically, though, it made dealing with her disability much easier in the beginning, b/c all I could focus on was how close we came to not having her with us at all, and it really put some things in perspective, you know?

So although part of me wanted another baby somewhere down the line, in her first two years of life I had my hands full, full, full, and besides, DH was done, done, done. I noticed that when she hit around 15 mos. or so, which is when I had previously become pg again with all my other children, I had not the slightest desire to conceive, because I still very much had a baby in the house. She wasn't walking yet, wasn't eating solid food well, didn't sign yet or have any intelligible speech and she was the size of a 6 month old. But with glasses, lol.

It wasn't until she was over 2 that I really began to feel strongly that we should have another baby and actively tried to change DH's mind. I realized that I wanted her to have someone in her life who could play with her at her level and who could learn things along with her and challenge her along the way. At the time, I knew several other families who had gone on to have younger siblings after their kiddos w/T21 and all of them were overwhelmingly positive about what a gift it was, both for their SN child and for the entire family. In our case, since Sophie already had four older sibs, I wasn't concerned about having potential future caretakers for her, but if she had been my oldest, that absolutely would have occurred to me. Honestly, not having to worry about who might care for her when my DH and I die is an incredible relief; I know without a doubt that any one of her siblings would leap at the chance, should it come up -- every single one of them are her willing slaves. They adore her, plain and simple.

And that brings me to what was our final consideration: the impact of having a disabled sibling on our other children (especially the at-that-time theoretical future child.) Before having Sophie, I might have said it would be unfair to burden our children in that way. But after having her, I have a very different perspective. My entire family has been fundamentally changed by Sophie's birth, to be sure. And I couldn't be more pleased about it. My children are now some of the most tolerant, accepting people I know. And that is 100% down to their little sister. They are now those kids who approach a kid at the park who's off talking to themselves and ask if they might want to play, or who sit next to "that weird kid" in class or who offer to be partners with the kid that no one will choose because of their strange behavior. And that has been such a gift, a gift that I value in such a different way and so much more profound way now.

Is life with Sophie all sunshine and roses? Of course not; I have fears and worries and frustrations, and my kids do, too. She wrecks their stuff and runs away from them when we're out in public and there are things they sometimes can't do because she's with us. But for our family, the advantages have far outweighed the disadvantages.

And from my sig, you can see that I managed to convince DH for one last chance. :-) Duncan is 17 mos. now and he and Sophie are thick like thieves and bestest buddies. I love watching them interact. Will his skills surpass hers one day? Oh, definitely, and in some areas, they already do. That's sometimes hard to see. But again, the good for us is much better than the bad.

I wish you peace with whichever decision you make.

Guin

[BeautyforAshes]

Thanks for all the great perspectives, mamas.  You've given me some good things to think over...

[Peony]

All 3 of my children have some special needs and I'm pg with #4, absolutely the last one. Like many of the others I often went into the next pg without realizing the full extent of a child's issues. DD1 I thought was just very high needs and quirky, she was almost 4 when DD2 was born. DD2 had her own medical issues but it was apparent to me then that DD1 was different. DD2 got very ill as a newborn, we spent months in and out of hospitals, she is 4 today and still has resulting issues from that. Her entire life has been one series of respiratory problems after another. That child I did know about obviously.

By the time DD2 was 18m old life had calmed down enough that I could start doing evals for DD1. Got her first dx, set up extensive therapy across the state for her, and felt ok enough to get pg with #3. The very second I did get pg, DD1 started a downhill slide, developed an anxiety disorder, we discovered she also had severe LDs. That pg was very difficult, I traveled so much trying to get her the help she needed. Literally a couple weeks before DS was born, I got everything in place in our town (rural area, limited resources) for her therapies that she still continues 4-5 days a week 2 years later. 

All I wished for with #3 was an easy baby, my baby experiences had never been normal. And I got my wish. When DS was 19m we discovered that that reason he had been so easy and why he was delayed  then to the level of a 12m old is that he has very poor muscle tone. He isn't easy now but a 21m old toddler that can't speak, still struggles with balance, motor skills, and is unable to be reasoned with. We don't know what is causing the low tone, we'll seek out dxs later, right now we focused on therapies. I had been really mulling over a 4th someday, DH was opposed saying we had our hands full already, and we do. Unknown to us I had actually gotten pg right before DS's evals and so here we are. Honestly, I am glad it happened this way. I still felt there was another child out there waiting for me, but making that leap to actually TTC with 3 children that need more, I don't know if DH ever would of been on board. it is not going to be easy, I know that and am already making plans. I will have to have paid help. I can not juggle everything that the children have going on alone (DH works insane hours), but I don't regret the challenging children I already have here. 

[RedOakMomma]

We've gone on to have three children after our special needs children.  It's been such a blessing.   I love(d) (one of my sons has passed) my sons with all my heart, but there was something incredibly healing about having a NT child experience as a mother.  I felt like I came back to life again.  Everything with our first NT was so easy, so natural, so effortless.  I couldn't believe what a stress-free joy motherhood was for most parents!  For years I'd been slogging through therapies and doctor appointments and IFSPs, IEPs, eating issues, sensory issues, developmental delays, surgeries, seizures...and then along came a baby who just did everything easily, who never needed to see the doctor, who slept easily and talked early...it seemed like a miracle.

I became a much happier mama and much happier person once I had NT kids.  That might sound strange, but I think when you start out with SN kids it really changes your perspective on what parenting is.  Having NT kids was like a free pass into normal living and normal parenting...I could be out and about, join playgroups and feel normal, go to cafes with fellow moms, have conversations with my child, play creative and imaginary games with my child...it was so incredibly different than what I'd experienced as a mom to just my SN kids.  I felt a lot less isolated, and made lots of new friends through having ds3.

I think having NT kids made me a better, happier person, and that made me a better mom to my SN kids, too.  I think I'd been a great mom to them, don't get me wrong, but for all those years my life had been about their special needs.  I was focused on them, and sometimes overwhelmed by that life.  Now, with a NT kid, my life was about their special needs but also about "normal" things again.  It brought a very welcome balance that made life seem easier, even though technically we were busier than we ever had been. 

As for deciding when to have them...we had a four-year gap between our oldest boys and ds3, but part of that was taking a LONG time to conceive.  For us it made sense to go ahead and TTC once our oldest sons were sleeping relatively well, had their therapies in place, and life was somewhat in a routine.  Around two years, then?  TTC took a year, then 9 months for the pregnancy, and there you have it...4 year gap.  There was never going to be a time when life with our SN kids was easy and normal, so we just took the leap when things were stable (if not normal), and I'm glad for it.  It's worked out well.

Best of luck to you!

[pimms]

My oldest is my SN child and we have gone on to have two additional NT children.  We were terrified to make that leap and decide to have another baby, but our risk factors for having another child with the same sydrome was only 2%.  For us it was most definitely the best decision.  At the time I was completely burnt out from weekly doctor appts, therapy appts, having gone through 3 surgeries and many many difficult times.  But I always knew I wanted more children and the best advice I received from another Mom in similar shoes was that she never wanted her SN child to feel a though she was the reason they never gave her a sibling.  

I have to agree with Red Oak Momma that having that NT was pretty blissful,  She nursed, easily!  She met all her milestones on time or before and I had the oppotunity (still do) to discuss normal parenting issues with other parents.  She kind of brought us back to reality a bit and although I am not sure she made me a happier Mom, it was a huge relief.  So much so that we went on and did it again!  My SN ds was almost 3 when our second child (dd) was born and our third dd came just 17 months after that.  So they are pretty close together and that for sure has had its challenges. 

But overall I would say that my son has benefited greatly by having siblings.  They have always challenged him to progress and continue to today.  He definitely acts like an older brother and is a great influence on them as well. 

Good luck with your decisions!