I hate my life and need help

[AutumnAir]

I'm not even at the end of my tether, I'm way past it. I'm so close to just walking out on DH and the kids and starting a new life somewhere The whole situation is untenable and I can't see an end in sight - at least not soon enough that I can wait that long.

DD1 is newly 3.  Still doesn't STTN despite being night-weaned for nearly a year now.  Daytime behaviour is generally poor with lots of screaming tantrums over ridiculous things. Was and still is a HN kid.

DD2 doesn't sleep either. Will only nap at home. Wakes more times than I can count at night. I've tried everything - elimination diets, made no difference.  Amber teething necklace - seems to make things far worse. Swing, bouncy chair, wearing in various carriers, pain meds, walking in the stroller, cot wedges/elevators, sleep positioners.  I have spent soo much money that we can't really afford to spend on all these things that everyone else swears by, and none of it works.

I don't think I have unrealistic wants.

I want to be able to leave the house - go to the park, go to story-time at the library.  

(But I can't because I can't get out of the house and back before DD2 needs to nap.  She won't go to sleep while we're out, but will just scream and howl the whole time because she's too tired)

I want not to co-sleep.  

I want DD1 to STTN on a reasonably regular basis 

I want DD2 to only wake 2-3 times a night 

We were co-sleeping with a side-carred cot from the beginning but she was waking a ridiculous amount of times.  I feel that we were probably waking her at least some of those times - DH is a very loud snorer. So I've put her cot into the room next to ours - hoping she would sleep better in there.  And for a couple of weeks it seemed to work - she gradually cut down the number of wakings, to the point where most nights she was only waking 3-4 times in a night - once even just twice.  And I let myself get my hopes up.  But now it's all gone terribly wrong again. She's waking more and more frequently and taking upwards of an hour to get back to sleep each time.  I have a futon on the floor next to her cot and I nurse her down to sleep there at night then transfer her to the cot once she's fast asleep - which always worked before, but now she's waking up from a deep sleep and crying every time.  I nurse her every time she wakes up and I used to be able to at least doze a bit while she was nursing, but now she's developed this habit of constantly popping on and off, but won't latch herself back on, so I have to do it, or she starts crying, which means I have to stay awake and be annoyed the whole time.

I want to have enough energy to do things during the day and to enjoy my kids.  Right now I just resent the hell out of them and wish I'd never had them.

I want not to feel like a terrible mother all the time.  I work really hard at being a good mom, but I still feel like a useless one most of the time since both my kids are so bloody HN and miserable. DD2 fusses and cries constantly.  I put her down, she cries, I pick her up, she wriggles and cries.  I wear her on my back, she cries.  I wear her on my front she cries unless I'm walking about constantly - which I can't do and it really makes my back worse.  She cries when I put her down for naps and sleep, even though I spend over an hour trying to make sure she's really asleep.  So, I've just ended up letting her cry herself to sleep the last few days, because it's not fair on DD1 to be left on her own for so long, 2-3 times every day. 

I want not to be in permanent pain.  My back is really bad, mostly caused by trying to do too much with DD2 on my front. Not helped by having to nurse side-lying in awkward positions on a hard uncomfortable futon most of the night.  I have a permanent headache from exhaustion, which sometimes lapses into migraine, and I can't even get a break then.

I want to be able to exercise and lose weight.  At the moment my back is too bad to get any exercise done with the kids in tow - I've tried going for brisk walks etc. but it really just kills me.  I'm so exhausted that I eat unhealthily - I'll grab biscuits and chocolate, anything sweet that will give me an instant buzz of energy just to get through the next 10 minutes.

I want to have a life again. I can't go out to meet people to make friends because I always have the kids with me.  DD1 is acting up and throwing tantrums and DD2 is screaming because she won't go to sleep.  Who wants to make friends with that woman? Plus, even if I could get out without them, I'm so tired that I can't hold a proper conversation, and I have nothing to talk about other than my kids, because that's all I do, all day every day.

I don't understand why I can't have normal kids and a normal life.  Everyone else seems to manage just fine - WTH am I doing wrong.

I think I need to try CIO - I've tried all the gentle approaches and it's getting me nowhere.  I never wanted to do it  and it makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking about it, but really I don't think CIO can possibly be more damaging to DD2 than having an angry, exhausted and resentful mother who doesn't like having her - which is also damaging to DD1, DH and me.  And as DH keeps pointing out, she's not the only one in the family.

I don't know what I want - I just wanted to get this all out I guess.

[PiggyPiggyOinkOink]

I just want to give you a big hug. You sound exhausted and like you just need some sleep. Enlist your husband on a night when he doesn't have to work the next day, and hand him both kids, and go to bed. You might be surprised that they'll cry for a little while, or they might just hang out and fall asleep. One things my kids like to do (ages 3.5 and 1.5) is lay down in bed with us, no playing, nothing, just lay there and snuggle, and sometimes they'll fall asleep.

I'm no advocate for CIO at all. It really bothers me. BUT I wouldn't say boo if you felt the need to try it right now. You are exhausted and need to do something to get these babies to sleep so you can too. I imagine the rest of what is bothering you would fall in line if everyone could just get some good sleep at night. And that's not saying they'd sleep all night. But a few good stretches of sleep, wake up quick to nurse or snuggle, go back to sleep. It can do wonders.

I really wish you the best in getting it sorted out. I know how it feels to be so exhausted you just want to run away. I really truly do. Good luck.

[elisheva]

Originally Posted by PiggyPiggyOinkOink 

I'm no advocate for CIO at all. It really bothers me. BUT I wouldn't say boo if you felt the need to try it right now. You are exhausted and need to do something to get these babies to sleep so you can too. I imagine the rest of what is bothering you would fall in line if everyone could just get some good sleep at night. And that's not saying they'd sleep all night. But a few good stretches of sleep, wake up quick to nurse or snuggle, go back to sleep. It can do wonders.

I really wish you the best in getting it sorted out. I know how it feels to be so exhausted you just want to run away. I really truly do. Good luck.

Lots of hugs to you, mama. I'm so sorry I don't have any advice. You have to do whatever is necessary to keep your sanity. Is it possible your dd is teething? It happens to me every time one of my kids starts waking every 45 min at night and takes me a few days to realize that they are teething. I swear by infant ibuprofen.
 

[VocalMinority]

I'm sorry, Mama!

Rather than suggesting new sleep tricks (since it sounds like you keep abreast of all the popular techniques, and try them), let me just say this:  Please, please trust me that you don't want to make any decisions (like leaving your family) while you are this exhausted.  When you think that way:

1- Do not criticize yourself.  It's not warranted!  With so little sleep and fussy kids, many moms would - and DO - feel just like you do.

2- Tell yourself - out loud, if you want - that you are NOT going to make any major changes until you've had a chance to think about it while you're well-rested and stress-free.  Just like you would not write a huge check without being able to verify your bank account balance, forbid yourself from seriously weighing whether to leave your family, while you're like this.  Your exhaustion will not be fixed quickly.  But I promise your kids will not keep you from sleeping forever; and when things improve, you will no longer think of leaving them.  I guarantee you won't.

I have 15-year-old twins who were born insanely early.  For the first year, they had to have some sort of medication or treatment every 2 hours, around the clock.  I got so exhausted, I hallucinated sometimes and would stumble into the nursery to get the 3rd baby I heard crying in there.  When I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares about not being able to save the kids from lions or firestorms.  Naturally, they grew into toddlers with horrible sleeping habits.  Their dad and I broke up.  Then I was alone and exhausted.  And then, as they approached 4, they stopped napping and started sleeping through the night.  

I'm not telling you this to compete with your exhaustion.  Exhaustion is exhaustion!  I want to assure you:  I've been there.  It ended.  It will end for you.  And once you start sleeping regularly again, it won't matter anymore that you had to wait so long for it.  In fact, you'll look back and know that you can survive one of the forms of torture they use on political prisoners (sleep deprivation)...and you can take care of babies while you're doing it.  You're Super-Woman!

Two more thoughts:

Consider adjusting your expectations of what kind of activities you should be doing with your kids.  Some 3-year-olds are great at Story Time at the Library.  Others do better with regular, physical playtime at the park, even bundled up in winter gear.  If the activity you dreamed about doing with your toddler makes you both miserable, find something more suitable to her temperament.

My best friend's birthday present to me one year was sleeping over at my house and getting up with the kids so I could sleep through a night.  If you have someone who would do that for you, ask!  People often say, "How can I help?"  But people who need help often aren't comfortable saying what they need.  Well, you're too tired to be polite, or bashful, or whatever.  Tell people you need a nap, you need a night off.  Of course, this isn't going to change your whole life.  But it IS a small comfort to have a break and to see evidence that people care about you.  Help them know how best to show it.

Hugs!

[SpuglyRoo]

I'd just like to echo what everyone else has said and offer hugs and condolences.  I agree with Jeannine, please do not make the decision to leave your family while you are going through such horrid sleep deprivation.  It really sucks to be so tired and have the kids all the time and no life, and many of us have been there, but it DOES get better (i'm counting on that myself at the moment).  Try to keep reminding yourself that, and see if there is someone who can give you a few hours or a night off, even if all you do is go sleep in the car!

[P.J.]

I have nothing useful to say, just

[Proudmomoftwinsplusone]

Big hugs! I agree that you sound sleep deprived and you sound like a very good mother!

I shouldn't be giving you any advice because I am right there with you, sometimes thinking I should never had had kids. Or wish I had normal kids. Sometimes I am so resentful. They tire me out and then refuse to go to bed. Then they won't get out of bed for school, brush teeth, put on clothes, Then they wont get in  the car, then they wont get out of the car as I park outside their school. You can tell what my morning was like.

Can you get a babysitter for one or two days a week? My youngest goes to daycare two days a week. I think its the only thing that keeps me sane. I need to have quiet time all by myself or i really go coo coo.

Please post again and let us know how you're doing:)

[bri276]

Sorry for the rough patch you are in right now.  Have you considered  WOH and daycare? :)  The daycare could be just the trick to get the kids on a good schedule and sleep better at night (IME, they're tuckered out!), and working out of the home might give you a chance to feel like you have a life outside the kids.  SAHM is not for everyone, it's not for me, and if it's making everyone miserable, there is no point.  Even if it's not a wonderful career, if it makes enough to cover the cost of daycare and a few extra bucks for yourself, it could feel a lot better than the current situation.

[hopefulfaith]

Big hugs, mama.

I see that your kids are 3 and 1.  This is a hard, hard year.

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm saying that because I've been there:  my kids are 15 months apart, and that year when my oldest was 3 and my youngest was 1 and then 2 was the absolute most difficult year for me, in regard to meeting everyone's basic needs.  It is a tough, tough, hard, difficult time.  You simply don't have enough hands --- like you, nobody was sleeping then in my house -- I was waking up half a dozen times in 8-9 hours between both kids' nightwakings -- and we didn't have a babysitter or a daycare center (I live rurally) that I could utilize .... it was all me.  It's hard to go out because two children that young are completely unpredictable:  someone is going to start crying, no matter what.  ;)  I was the most uninteresting woman on the planet because literally all I thought about was potty training, laundry, what to make for dinner, naps, and cloth diapers.  Oh, and dreading the nighttime because I knew it was coming and I hated it (God forbid dh was in the mood, because I would just think, oh, I'm going to have to wake up in two hours...).

I just wanted to tell you that because I totally hear where you're coming from and I know how hard it is.  And you will get through it -- Jeannine wrote the truth.

My personality completely changed that year -- and looking back, it was for the better.  I gave up any illusions of being Super Mom --- I became a lot more compassionate toward other moms -- I became more gentle with myself...and eventually with my family --- it totally broke me.  It was like being a prisoner -- not sleeping for years really changes a person.  Eventually, for me, it was for the better.

Honestly, I didn't exercise or eat better for an entire year.  I slogged through it and came out the other side.

Please be gentle with yourself -- I promise you will, too.

[LadyCatherine185]

nak, so cant type much but wanted to offer a big hug.  a book that REALLY helped me with my high-needs non-sleeping DS1 was "sleepless in america."

Edited by LadyCatherine185 - 1/25/11 at 4:00pm

[porcelina]

Just want to echo how hard it is with that age combination! I also have a baby (September DDC too) and a 3 year old. Baby needs to be at home to nap or else is constantly screaming outside the house and 3 year old is full of tantrums. I totally get where you are coming from. Don't rule out post-partum depression and possibly medication as a new weapon to use in your armory. It could give you just the energy/edge you need to get through until the hardest part ends.

I am also not an advocate of CIO, but CIO is highly preferable to an angry mom who can't meet her children's needs as much as she would like (even while being supermom already). Read Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy child, and consider implementing Weisbluth's plan. I think in your case it is warranted -- especially since baby is crying constantly anyway due to exhaustion. Presumably, with just a few nights of crying, you might be able to do away with a lot of the daytime crying. I know you probably have a lot of guilt associated with considering it like anyone else on this forum probably does, but some of the stories in there are pretty convincing, and the revised version has some ideas for fussier babies (like limiting the amount of crying for naps). Did CIO work for the naps you've used it for?

As far as not being able to leave the house, that totally sucks and I'm there with you. I am fortunate in that I am working part-time so have part-time help. Are there any nice young neighbor children who could come play with DD1? My son loves the 9 and 10 year olds down the street. At least that keeps him occupied sometimes, and they only charge $2/hr for the two of them!

I feel for you!!

[plum tree]

Have you thought about seeing a doctor?  The babes may have sleep apnea or other medical condition that's making it hard for them to sleep. 

[tessie]

Originally Posted by plum tree 

Have you thought about seeing a doctor?  The babes may have sleep apnea or other medical condition that's making it hard for them to sleep. 

Actually, seeing a Dr might be helpful as they should be able to refer you to a sleep clinic. It might also be worth discussing the possibility that you could have PPD?

Have you tried the Pick Up/Put Down method with the baby? I know a lot of people who have had success with it. Apologies if you've tried it already.

I would also suggest that Dad takes over the parenting of the three year old at night to give you a bit of a break. One of the previous posters suggested daycare - can you afford for the 3 YO to attend a playgroup or similar? A few hours a week of only having one child to deal with might be beneficial. Personally I think a three year old is generally old enough for a slightly firmer bedtime routine. (I'm not advocating hours of non-stop CIO btw) I find the supernanny method is helpful with my slightly younger child.

I hope you can get some rest soon. I had a very wakeful baby (and only one of them!) and I was like a zombie much of the time so I do sympathise.

And now I have to run as someone is awake.

[nola79]

The single best thing I did for myself as a SAHM was joining a gym with childcare. It kills many birds with one stone. You get out of the house to exercise, you get time to yourself. Your kids get to play and get worn out in the childcare, and if you get them on the right schedule they'll go right into a nap when you get home.Trust me, it is well worth the money every month to get that break. My dd (12mo) is not a good sleeper, either. I have tried everything with her also. Some nights are better than others, though, and nothing seems to make a difference. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I do hope things improve for you soon.

[macy]

I've got a baby the same age as yours and I think I've been where you are a few weeks ago when my LO wasn't sleeping. For me a nap can make a huge difference in my perspective. Can someone give you a few hours off so you can just get a little sleep? I feel like a completely different person after a nap.

The only other thing I can say is that with my baby it seems like I'm better off not making too many assumptions about what she likes or needs in order to fall asleep. Last week she hated her car seat and snowsuit and tummy time and today she likes all of these things. You can't guess how she will react just based on yesterday because she's changing every day.

The same goes with sleep. She might fall asleep breastfeeding every night for a week but that doesn't mean that tomorrow if I put her in her crib she won't be able to settle herself to sleep. For me the best thing is to just figure out what I want to happen and just try that with a positive attitude each day until it works out. If you want her to fall asleep and stay asleep on her own I'd just keep putting her in her crib when she's drowsy and waiting until she actually cries to pick her up. A fuss might not turn into a cry, and just because she cried every time you tried it this week doesn't mean tomorrow won't go better. At least that's how it is with my LO.

I hope you can get some rest and feel better soon. Sleep deprivation is rough and it sounds like you and DD2 are both suffering from it.

[Greenlea]

I agree you should bring your DD2 in to see a doc.  I know a chiropractor can do wonders for fussy/upset babies.  I've known moms who bring in their children and leave with a completly different (in a good way) child.  You didn't mention it, but what is your DH doing to help - especially at night?  Have you tried maybe pumping and letting your DH take her for a night feeding?

[Thalia the Muse]

Hugs! Your baby sounds JUST like my daughter as an infant -- it was horrible. She nursed constantly, and when she was awake she'd cry unless someone was carrying her, in arms, and walking. Cosleeping made her wake up MORE. That's also the age where she stopped napping for a couple of weeks ...

I thought I was, quite literally, going to die from sleep deprivation and stress -- and I didn't have an older kid lobbying for attention! It did get much, much, much better by six months, and by eight months she was a cheerful little bundle who was far less demanding.  

If you can afford a mother's helper -- could be a college student looking to earn extra money, it doesn't have to be super-nanny or anything -- could you have someone come in two or three afternoons a week? The helper can wear the baby and take the three-year-old for a walk or something (or set her up to splash with a bucket of warm soapy water in the kitchen -- tons of fun for a toddler, AND it actually gets the floor slightly cleaner!) while you put in earplugs and SLEEP. Nothing in the whole world matters as much as getting a little sleep during those first months when you're constantly interrupted at night.

I also agree that maybe the three-year-old can be handed off to her father for nights? Although you probably startle wide awake if she cries, so that won't help you sleep through, but at least you don't have to get out of bed. She's old enough to learn some basic rules about not waking the adults, too. On the weekends, your DH needs to take the girls for several hours on at least one day, and let you sleep.

How long does the baby take to fall asleep on those times lately when you've put her down and let her cry? If it's five to ten minutes and she tapers off instead of getting increasingly upset, she might be one of those kids who needs to blow off steam before relaxing into sleep, and by intervening you just keep her up and make her more exhausted and upset ... if the baby winds down quickly and falls asleep, I don't think that's the same as "extinction crying"/CIO where you are teaching the baby you won't respond no matter how desperate she is.

[sawingjello]

I just want to send you a big hug and tell you that this too shall pass.  I agree with those that suggested having someone watch the kids for a bit so you can take a nap.  Hang in there.

[VocalMinority]

Can't believe I forgot this!  Even if you're not Catholic, contact the nearest Catholic school.  Every student has to complete a certain number of service hours each grading period.  Someone in the administration will be able to either recommend a kid to do a little babysitting or household chores for you - for free - or they could put you on a list, for kids who need ideas for their service hours.  High school would be best, for sitters, of course.  But middle-schoolers could do some sweeping or laundry, so when your kids ARE asleep, you'll have a shorter to-do list nagging you to stay awake.  Other types of religious schools may have similar programs, I don't know.  But any Catholic school will require service hours.

[LadyCatherine185]

have you looked at reflux for your dd2?