Big blow-up with DH (ongoing issue) now I'm not sure about having him at birth!

[Ophelia]

I wasn't sure where to post this, I looked 3 times and don't see the Parents as Partners forum, but it is very birth/labor related.  My EDD is the 1st so I'm at 39 weeks.  I went into labor with DS within a couple days of his EDD.

Ongoing issues that we have been to counseling for and I thought was getting better:

-he's a blamer.  If I call him on it, he won't apologize I specifically have to ask for an apology.  Blames me for DS's behavior (yep, it's all my fault because DS acts 'worse' around me and I'm not 'strict' enough) 

-passive aggressive, uses DS as a pawn (rarely but it just happened again last night)

-everything is an inconvenience to him

-threatening, harrassing, bullying (he used to threaten me about vaccinations, for another issue with DS said I was 'withholding medical treatment').  DS has what I believe is a gluten intolerance, after 4 YEARS I thought DH was finally believing me (which is one of the reasons I finally felt comfortable getting pg again) and just the other week he thinks i"m making it all up and threatened to start feeding DS gluten.

The above doesn't happen all the time, and except for the blaming (and the way he words things to DS is threatening "if you don't...then I will..." even though I have asked him to reword [and now DS threatens ME!]) it seemed to be getting a lot better.

Last night I was started to get frustrated and let him know that I NEEDED more help.  Well, it depends on what I ask for help with.  If he feels like it and it is not too much inconvenience, he will do it.  Otherwise, he completely blows up at me and starts going on about the things he does do (take care of dog).  This is someone who still sits on the computer for hours at a time while I take care of son/house/other things and he expects me to continue the same even though I'm 39 wks!  I feel I do 90% of taking care of all DS's needs/time and 98% of household stuff (whether or not I am working.  Got laid off in April but I am trying to study for IBCLC).  I didn't even ask rudely, I was just getting frustrated and said "i need more help'.

So really what I am worried about now is how on earth can I have him at the birth??  I keep reading that the mother is not supposed to have any negative energy or anyone she is not comfortable with at the birth.  The only other people who will be at the planned HB are my mom (DS guardian while I'm in labor), the MW and doula and possibly my sis.  The tub is scheduled to be dropped off this Thurs, but if I cannot birth at home with DH there, I would have to ask my Mom if I could have it done at their house.  So I need to decide by tomorrow if I'm going to be able to birth at home or have to switch!  It is way too stressful!

I don't know if I can talk to DH at this point.  I feel he would just blow up again.  I also don't know what this high stress is doing to baby and impending labor.  Normally I have been eating more lately but haven't eaten since dinner last night.

Help :(

[finnegansmom]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Do you really WANT him at the birth?

There is no "rule" that husbands or boyfriends whatever need to be at the birth.

My husband wasn't at the birth of my second, by accident came too fast and he was with #1, but he calls it "the best birth he ever went to".  LOL.  He's not a fan of the process, he doesn't want to be at this one either. 

It doesn't bother me, to be honest.  Get support from the supportive people if you need it and don't force him into doing something he doesn't want to do.

I wish you the best mama.  Hugs.

[othersomethings]

Was he at your DS's birth? I can't imagine that having issues between you are new in the last four years...I'm sure you had issues then too, how did you handle the relationship dynamic then?

I've randomly thought to myself "well, maybe my husband doesn't need to be there." for this birth. 1, because he is generally useless in these situations. 2. the uselessness can be annoying. 3. I'm just super practical and know what I need in birth and know he isn't the person to give it.

But on the other hand...I love my husband, and I know seeing our DD's birth was the most amazing moment of his life, and it would be cruel for me to think of excluding him from the birth of our son...he works hard for us, loves us unconditionally even through our faults, and I love him through HIS faults. (of which I could write a book. but wont :) ) And he deserves to be there. I'm just going to have to address the minor annoying behaviors before hand.

"The birth will have a much better chance of going well if I feel safe, secure, and loved, i'm happy to provide you with the medical documentation on this. So here is how you can help make this happen. It's my birth...i'm doing the work here, and it's my and our child's health at stake. I retain the right to say how this is going down. If you don't like it, you have the choice to be elsewhere at the time. That would suck, but it's your choice."

Is saying something like that an option?

[Ophelia]

Thanks!  I definitely want him there, that is what we have been planning on and what he is planning on.  It's more that if we do not get this at least somewhat resolved beforehand, that the labor/birth may be gravely affected.  I have planned so hard for this and doing everything I can to have HB (DS was posterior in hospital and this baby currently is not in a desirable position so I'm getting worried about that, doing inversions and chiro appts).

DS is staying at my Mom's tonight anyways, so I'll just have to bite the bullet and talk to him and tell him we NEED to work on it for birth's sake.  Most of these issues I have only noticed in the last 4.5 years, since DS was born.  I think because when you have a child together there is a lot more issues to disagree on :(

Thank you for the quote, I do need to reiterate to him that I NEED to be OK for labor/birth and he has a part in that whether he thinks so or not (how he treats me).  He just doesn't get that at all.

It makes me sick, because you hear all the time that wives don't tell their husbands enough what they need, but when I try to do that, i get blown up at!

[othersomethings]

Have you had a talk specifically about how to resolve issues? Not about issues themselves...we will always have those. But about how to address them when they come up?

It's taken some time but DH and I have been able to reach some agreement that when we have an issue...whether it's him with me or me with him...this is what is going to take place. We will use this kind of language when talking about it, to make it less vitriolic, and we will do x and y until resolution and peace comes.

My husband has a surprising revenge streak hidden...and I don't see it often. But we have identified it, and when I see it...I know how to "treat" him so that we can get past it. In the moment he will absolutely deny it. But later, once the air has cleared...he knows it and apologizes for it. It sounds similar to your DH's blame problem...something he might just not be willing to admit yet. Given time and patience, etc. you can probably get to the bottom of it. My husband's revenge thing is something he totally learned from his Mom. His mom is a wonderful woman, I love her, but cross her  and LOOK OUT. You don't even have to know you crossed her. (usually the case!) 

I'm not a therapist or a counselor or blah blah blah...but figuring out HOW to argue has been one of the healthiest things for our marriage. No one taught us how to do it...we just realized individually that the marriage has to be worked on, leaving it is never an option, and issues will ALWAYS arise. So we may as well learn how to deal with them to achieve the healthiest results. Not easy when tempers are hot or feelings are hurt - or pregnancy hormones are flying! But necessary.

[Oregonicmama]

This book was recommended to me by a couple counselors when I was single and had given up on relationships because they all would go haywire.  I really learned a lot from it and now DP and I refer to it all the time and have each read it several times.  Dr. Gottman's research is on what makes marriages work, not what makes them fail.  He talks a lot about how we fight as couples and different approaches to take.  He doesn't say we shouldn't fight (fighting is part of a healthy relationship), but that we need to do it differently.  He talks about the blame game (as I call it), so you may find it relevant. 

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

On a side note... ExH and I didn't get along well at all.  Although we had a UC for DD1 and he delivered her, by the time DD2 was born I couldn't stand the thought of having him at the birth.  I had him take DD1 to a friend's house and "forgot" to have the midwife call him when it was go time.  He was very upset, and although it was better for me, it was not good for our relationship.  If you can get to a space with your DH where you can stand to have him there it will be worth it in the long run.  Maybe he can be in charge of your older child and have your Mom or Sis be your main support person?  You might try talking with your midwife about your situation too. 

[sosurreal09]

Do you even want to be with this man? No offense but you guys seem to be in two different parenting worlds...He doesn't seem to respect you or want to respect you.

Did you plan this baby? If not he may be overwhelmed, not that I am giving him an excuse.

[kawa kamuri]

I've learned to be very protective of my birth space and wouldn't hesitate to birth without my partner. I sure hope you come to a comfortable place and I'm sorry you're having to make this choice at such a vulnerable time. Best wishes for a lovely birth. 

[yoyo65]

((hugs))               just  wanted to give you a ((hug)). am extremly tired now and need to go to bed. Will try to reply more tomorrow.

                      Too bad "somebody" is acting like a spoiled little brat.

love you sis.

[Ophelia]

Thanks, and thanks sis :)

It is somewhat better now because I think he not so mad anymore after talking last night.  However, we didn't really talk about, nor he still doesn't get, what MY needs are.  I am going to ask him to think about how HE wants me to ask him for help because what I have been doing the last 6 years obviously hasn't worked very well (he will do things I ask him to only if he feels like it, I have to ask several times and things will literally sit for a year.  It just gets very frustrating and with the baby coming it's not going to get any easier). 

It's also like I'm not allowed to get crabby at him.  Sure, I don't want to get crabby but he doesn't have to act like I'm the worst person in the world :(

[starbyfar7]

boy, this is a tough one.

after reading so much about how important it is for there to be positive vibes and good energy abounding during birthing time, i have totally considered keeping my partner away at the birth too.. but i only feel this way when we're fighting.. any other time.. i desperately want him there to share in this with me because i know how amazing it will be for the both of us. plus, he would be devastated if he missed it. with that being said, my partner is master of the blame game. in every conversation where an offense is brought up he reverts to child status and immediately goes on the defensive.. its like he honestly cannot possibly see how ANYTHING could be his fault. not his temper, not his actions, not the way his mind processes solutions to situations.. none of it is his fault. its truly mindblowing. and we get NOWHERE when he's like this. for us, what has worked is emailing how we feel to each other and talking about it later. i can get out everything i need to say and edit it, without his interrupting, or not paying attention, or laughing it off, etc.. and it has really made our relationship so much better because our main issue is communication. this man and i have gone an entire month without uttering a word to eachother, without looking at eachother! we're both masters of the silent treatment and have employed it ad nauseum in this relationship. 

regardless of which method you choose to talk to him, you need to air it all out and let him know how you feel.. tell him everything, including your reservations about his being at the birth.

also, you may want to keep in mind that being pregnant, we have a tendency to make things bigger than they really are.. so though your feelings are very real and are valid in every single way.. you may be very hormonal and your relationship issues are probably being amplified as a result. several times i have thought about leaving my partner over food.. i mean seriously, if i ask you to buy me crackers and cheese to help with my morning sickness and then you go and eat them all before i even have a chance to have more than 1.. what does that say about you as a person. what kind of father could this person possibly be to my child. im telling you girl.. preggo brains are nuts.