How can DD politely get a word in edgewise with us?

[laohaire]

I messed this up and I need to figure out how to fix it.

DD is no wallflower and she'll interrupt me and DH whenever she has something to say. Usually she'll just cut in. I will get annoyed and say "don't you hear us talking?" Then I will feel kind of forced to finish my thought even though I'm just annoyed and counterintuitively would rather just hear what DD wants to say so I can get back to the conversation for real.

Sometimes she'll say "Mama, mama, mama, mama" and it drives me up the wall. I can't hold onto what I was saying in my head, and then I get really annoyed.

And the last tactic is to poke me or pull my sleeve or whatever repeatedly and urgently. It has the same effect as the above, I lose my train of thought and get very annoyed.

Now, the problem is: DH and I like to talk. A lot. So when she has some request (usually her interruptions are because she wants something... she always wants something) it's not like I was just saying "oh, and can you pick up some cat food on the way home? Bye!" It's usually some discourse on society or whatever, and once we get started, we'll blab on and on. So if DD were to wait until we were done, she'd be waiting forever.

I simply do not know how a polite interruption goes. If I can't figure it out, how can DD? Just running over me can't be the reasonable way. But her insistent "mama-mama-mama" or pulling drives me NUTS. Maybe that's supposed to be the polite way but maybe I am just brain-disabled and I can't hold on to my thought, and it feels like a total interruption that can completely derail the conversation.

I think an adult is able to time an interruption decently (between speakers, which is a tricky skill when the conversation is active), excuse themselves ("sorry!" "excuse me" or whatever) and quickly spit out what they need ("could I just get past you for a second here?") and then shut up :). But I see how that would be really tricky for a 5 year old.

So what's a five year old to do?

[hopefulfaith]

I've been having the same issue with my five year old ds.  Dh and I will be talking, and he'll start sleeve-tugging, saying MAMA! very urgently and often repeatedly...

What I'm doing -- and mind you, it hasn't hit home and truly worked consistently yet, so take this with a grain of salt:  is to touch him gently and say "One moment, please." -- and finish my sentence/point of interest with dh before I respond.  I want ds to learn to be able to wait a moment or two before I get to him when I'm talking because I think that's a pretty important skill:  even as an adult, I can't just interrupt the dental receptionist because I NEED to ask her my question RIGHT NOW.

That being said, he has learned that when I say that he can stand by me for a little bit and I absolutely will get to him and respond to him and meet his need or whatever .... but he has to wait for me to finish what I was saying to dh.  We might not be able to finish our entire conversation -- I don't think it's entirely fair to make the kid wait for seven minutes while we discuss the state of the union --- but I do think that at five, my son can start learning increments of patience. 

[woodchick]

My four year old has been able to say "excuse me, Mama/Papa" for a year now.  She knows that if she says it either of us will stop at the end of our thought and hear her request.   It isn't fool proof, but works a huge percentage of the time.

I have to say, though, that DH and I leave our wordy conversations to times when we don't think we'll be interrupted.  I think our girls just plain feel ignored if we go on and on without talking to them.  For instance, dinner with one parent and the girls is great, but with two parents having a conversation the girls act up. It is often the same in the car when we are all together.

I wouldn't suggest cutting off your conversations with DH all together, but just to be more mindful of when they're taking place, maybe?

[lonegirl]

My son is four.  We taught him to say "excuse me".  He knows he has to wait for us to finish what we are saying. Usually we finish up the thought and then acknowledge him.  We were having the issues of him trying to talk over us and interrupt all the time.  Now if he has something he needs to say he will say "excuse me".  If he doesn't think we heard him he will get louder and say "excuse me mommy".  Most of the time it works

[Chicky2]

This is pretty much what we do.  Our youngest is 4. 

OP, I totally get what you mean about losing your train of thought.  Honestly, after all these years I expect that to happen, lol.  Dh comes home from work and says hi to everyone, gives hugs and kisses, etc.  Then he and I go and play a couple of games of pool while supper cooks and we talk.  We are technically suppose to get about 30 minutes of uninterrupted talk time like that, but hey, we have 4 kids.  Sometimes we just have to be realistic.  I figure by the time my youngest us about 6 it'll get alot better, lol.
 

Originally Posted by woodchick 

My four year old has been able to say "excuse me, Mama/Papa" for a year now.  She knows that if she says it either of us will stop at the end of our thought and hear her request.   It isn't fool proof, but works a huge percentage of the time.

I have to say, though, that DH and I leave our wordy conversations to times when we don't think we'll be interrupted.  I think our girls just plain feel ignored if we go on and on without talking to them.  For instance, dinner with one parent and the girls is great, but with two parents having a conversation the girls act up. It is often the same in the car when we are all together.

I wouldn't suggest cutting off your conversations with DH all together, but just to be more mindful of when they're taking place, maybe?

[laohaire]

OK, so I think I need to explain the rules to DD and also give her a cue so she knows she's been acknowledged.

So she might say "mama?" ONCE. Or Excuse me or whatever. And I'll respond in some way "One sec sweetie" or a finger held up or something. This is her cue to know that she WILL get the floor very soon. I'll finish my thought (no more than 30 seconds probably) and then turn to her.

I never expected her to wait until we finish our entire conversation, but I just wanted a way to deal with it that didn't derail the whole thing and annoy me.

Since we're an always-together family, I don't think that waiting for conversations some other time is really realistic. DD gets 100% of parental attention most of the day (mostly from DH, sometimes from me), and when DH and I want to blab in the evenings I think that's fair. We don't go on and on for HOURS or anything, but I think it's fair for DH and I to want to talk a bit while DD plays by herself for once. We do plenty of family activities as well - games or whatever. I read to DD, we homeschool together. I also think it's reasonable for car conversation to be mostly between me and DH - I don't hear very well, so conversing with an unseen child behind me is not realistic, plus I just think kids should be fine looking at the scenery for a 10 minute car ride instead of demanding constant CD changes and such. Oh, and DD goes to bed when I do, so it's not like DH and I have ANY time to ourselves. We're always with each other, every day, all day (DH and I both work from home), and the vast majority of the attention goes to DD. If DH and I had to schedule a conversation for 15 minutes a day so we didn't disturb DD, I think I'd go crazy and DD would become a royal pain in the patootie (if she isn't already :))))

[Monkey Keeper]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

OK, so I think I need to explain the rules to DD and also give her a cue so she knows she's been acknowledged.

So she might say "mama?" ONCE. Or Excuse me or whatever. And I'll respond in some way "One sec sweetie" or a finger held up or something. This is her cue to know that she WILL get the floor very soon. I'll finish my thought (no more than 30 seconds probably) and then turn to her.

I never expected her to wait until we finish our entire conversation, but I just wanted a way to deal with it that didn't derail the whole thing and annoy me.

This is largely what we do (and my 3yo has been using "Excuse me" for almost a year successfully), and it works well for both of my blabbermouth girlies :D  

One other suggestion is to set aside a time for you and DH to converse as adults with your child there.  My DH WOH, and he usually gets home a bit before dinner.  He greets, plays with, and talks to the kids and they all help set the table while I finish up the meal.  Once we sit down, mommy and daddy get to talk.  We talk about our days, debate some of his work (and my home) dilemmas while the girls eat.  Sometimes they will contribute to the conversation, but more often than not, we get a decent chat in while they are eating.  Then, once the girls have eaten, they talk to Daddy about their days as well or ask him questions about his.  We've done this since our DD1 was old enough to join us at the table, so it's the norm now in our family.

I think it's great because a) our kids see us connect and learn that we prize our relationship and b) they can learn from listening.  AND they have some imposed quiet time to concentrate on eating ;)

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by woodchick 

My four year old has been able to say "excuse me, Mama/Papa" for a year now.  She knows that if she says it either of us will stop at the end of our thought and hear her request.   It isn't fool proof, but works a huge percentage of the time.

Ditto here. Our kids are 4 and 6 and have done that for a while. 

Our dinnertime conversations usually start with "how was your day" type of stuff (esp to DH, who hasn't been home long) and then we discuss current events or other issues on a kid level. Really deep conversations happen either after bedtime or when the kids are otherwise occupied on their own.

[redpajama]

My kids say "excuse me" (or, that's the idea, anyway ), but my husband tells me that when he was young his mom taught him that he could come lay a hand on her arm when he needed to interrupt--that also seems like a reasonable way to let you know she needs your attention.