How do I tell her nicely I don't want her MIL or daughters to babysit DD?

[gbailey]

We were invited to DH's cousins house for a weekend. They live out of state but only a few hours from where we are. DH really wants to go. Honestly, I'm not a fan of staying with other people but DH really wants to go and it's family members who have actually been kind to us amidst his families drama. The wife of his cousin told me she really wants us to visit and go out as a couple without the kids. She says her MIL can watch DD. I told her thanks but we'll just take DD with us. She went on and on about "D" her MIL being willing to watch DD or one of her daughters can watch her. I know she is just being nice but I don't want DD left alone with her MIL. Why? I just don't know her. I have met her MIL once. From what I know of her she seems like a nice woman. I don't get bad vibes from her but it's not acceptable to me to leave a child with someone they don't know or that I don't know for that matter so I can have a just adult dinner. As for her daughter's, one of them is a teeanger (I think 14) and not responsible enough to care for DD. In addition DD has never met her or her older sister and I really don't know them like that.

Obviously, I won't leave DD with them. Usually, I'm not overly concerned about just saying, "thanks but DD doesn';t know your MIL and neither do I for that matter. It was sweet of you to offer but if we're going to go out for dinner DD is coming too!"

If she mentions it to me again, what can I say that's not offensive to her or her MIL?  I don't want to alienate the family members who we are able to maintain a healthy relationship with. DH will say something if it's mentioned to him. These are people who are nice but don't see the big deal in leaving your kid in the care of anyone who's a family member even if they don't know them well or at all. If that works for them, that's fine but that doesn't work for us. Their feeling is, "she's with family. she'll be fine"

Oh, if it's confusing, DH's cousin is the son of DH's deceased uncle. So it's the cousins mother they want us to leave DD with.

[limabean]

How old is your DD? My DD wouldn't let herself be left with a stranger, nice or otherwise -- she would throw a massive fit if I tried to walk out the door and leave her with someone she didn't know. So I'd just say that to anyone who suggested it: "Oh, great idea but DD would never go for it since we only leave her with people she knows really well. But she's used to going out to dinner with us, so we'll still have a great time!" 

[gbailey]

She's a little over 2.5. I would never put her in the position to be left with strangers though in spite of how nice the MIL appears to be or anyone else might appear to be. I hope you didn't get that I would from my post.

 I'll say what you quoted. Thanks.

I've noticed you were married the same month as me and DH and your youngest the same month and year as my DD :)
 

Originally Posted by limabean 

How old is your DD? My DD wouldn't let herself be left with a stranger, nice or otherwise -- she would throw a massive fit if I tried to walk out the door and leave her with someone she didn't know. So I'd just say that to anyone who suggested it: "Oh, great idea but DD would never go for it since we only leave her with people she knows really well. But she's used to going out to dinner with us, so we'll still have a great time!" 

[plantnerd]

Could you hang out for a little while and see how MIL and her daughter interact with the kids?  I understand the concern over a stranger, but I would say a woman who has had children and a 14 year old could certainly handle it, and DD might have fun.  I dunno, I guess I would feel it out when I get there and give it a try.  Especially if there are other kids to play with.

[crunchy_mommy]

Well if they are all looking to go out for a kid-free dinner then you may need to have an alternate plan -- "Oh, we don't leave DD with people she doesn't know well, she still has separation anxiety, but if you want an adult-only dinner, I will gladly stay with [MIL] and DH will join you!" Or you could even offer to watch any other little kids (if you're comfortable with it) so the MIL can join them as well.

I am in the super-over-protective camp and would never even consider leaving my DS with someone he & I don't know, family or not, no matter how nice they seem...

[Mittsy]

I would see how DD is with her. Whenever we're interviewing someone as a babysitter we always watch how comfortable my DD is with them, she has told us in her own way a few times when she does not trust someone and seems to have very good judgement about people. If everything checks out, we usually give things a "trial run", we go out for a walk while kid's and babysitter are together and they call us if anything comes up, before the big date.

[gbailey]

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this. I've never been to the MIL's home, she doesn't know how we parent or anything about DD. The teenagers are the cousins children. Well one is a teenager and the other is in college. The MIL has three adult boys. I'm sure she could handle DD but I don't feel comfortable leaving DD with people I don't know well and that she's never spent anytime around. I know she would be uncomfortable and I wouldn't enjoy myself at dinner wondering whether or not I've left my child with a nutcase with a nice smile.

 

Originally Posted by plantnerd 

Could you hang out for a little while and see how MIL and her daughter interact with the kids?  I understand the concern over a stranger, but I would say a woman who has had children and a 14 year old could certainly handle it, and DD might have fun.  I dunno, I guess I would feel it out when I get there and give it a try.  Especially if there are other kids to play with.

Crunch_mommy, thanks. I love this! I think some people assume all parents need a "break." We just don't take alone time at the expense of our kiddo.

The only child that would be around is the teenager and the college student who's not really a child.
 

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Well if they are all looking to go out for a kid-free dinner then you may need to have an alternate plan -- "Oh, we don't leave DD with people she doesn't know well, she still has separation anxiety, but if you want an adult-only dinner, I will gladly stay with [MIL] and DH will join you!" Or you could even offer to watch any other little kids (if you're comfortable with it) so the MIL can join them as well.

I am in the super-over-protective camp and would never even consider leaving my DS with someone he & I don't know, family or not, no matter how nice they seem...

[Marissamom]

I would simply say that your DD isn't comfortable being watched by someone she doesn't know really well. 

[Smidge]

We don't let anyone other than my parents and MIL to watch our children.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  IMO, I would just say that...in a nice way ;)

[Linda on the move]

"Thank you SO much for that offer! That was so sweet and considerate. DD would be more comfortable with us, though, since she doesn't know any one there and will be out of her own zone, and we get plenty of couple time at home with sitters she is super comfortable with anyway. But it was such a nice offer!  May be when she's a little older we can try something like that."

then change the subject.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by gbailey 

She's a little over 2.5. I would never put her in the position to be left with strangers though in spite of how nice the MIL appears to be or anyone else might appear to be. I hope you didn't get that I would from my post.

 I'll say what you quoted. Thanks.

I've noticed you were married the same month as me and DH and your youngest the same month and year as my DD :)

No, I totally didn't think you would leave her with strangers -- I just meant that with my DD (and I thought, probably with yours too), even if I would consider doing that (which I wouldn't, and I know you wouldn't either), she wouldn't go for it so it'd be a moot point. 

Woohoo on the same marriage and baby dates! Have fun celebrating your 10-year anniversary this fall!