a little lost

[melissarana]

I’m not sure where to beginning, I’m feeling a little lost.

We have three little-ones, two 3.5 year-olds and an 18 month-old.  My husband and I believe/practice/support the idea of attachment parenting and have often found ourselves standing-up for the choices we make: co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, baby-wearing, cloth diapering, etc… and, gentle discipline.  We try hard, ever so hard, to say YES! More than we say No!  But, recently, things have gotten really (REALLY) chaotic around here.  The older kids – do not – listen to me.  It ranges from them acting like they don’t hear me (and, for example, running away from me, into an elevator, pushing the button and going upstairs), to acknowledging what I say then doing the exact opposite (for example, asking them to NOT push their baby-sister, them saying “yes, we’ll be nice” then turning and pushing her to the floor)… Anyways, it’s incredibly frustrating, and a few weeks ago I realized that when I yell, they listen – if only, for that moment.  So, I found myself chasing after them yelling all the time… which eventually stopped working, and now I’m screaming… SCREAMING, which is so horrible.  When it’s happening, it’s almost like I’m having an out-of-body experience, watching myself completely out-of-control.  I've really lost my way, and I don’t know how to get back on track.  Each morning, I wake up thinking... today is going to be better, but just seems to be getting worse.  Today, I said to my husband, who is typically so understanding and patient, that if this was a typical-day-job, and I felt this incompetent and out-of-control that I would have quit by now… and, he said, “no, you would have been fired.”  Which was a big wake-up call.  I need help.  Help!?

[asraidevin]

Write down your expectations and consequences for not following through. Since your older ones are pre-reading get some magazines and cut out pictures. Post it on the wall. Follw through when they don't listen. 100% of the time, even when it's a pain in the ass.

That way next time they push or hit or whatever,  you and they know exactly what is going to happen. You don't have to get emotionally involved.

[pianojazzgirl]

Mama you are aware of things you want to change and you are asking for help to make those changes.  That shows me you are a caring, thoughtful mama.  You will get back on track.  You just need some new tools to have at the ready to replace the yelling/screaming.

I just have a quick minute to write, but I'll try to brainstorm a bit.  I'm sure some other mamas will chime in with more ideas.

Thoughts...

- not listening and running away from you is a safety issue.  I'd say that right now, while your bigger kids are going through this phase, you'll need to institute some "safety" rules when you're out of the house.  Like: you have to each hold one of mama's hands (18mo is up on your back), or you need to each hold one side of the stroller, or you guys ride in the double stroller and babe goes up on the back or walks... or whatever configuration works best for you.

- not listening in general.  Something I sometimes do that gets the kids' attention better than yelling is to count to 3.  So I ask them to do (or not do) something.  If they ignore me I give them *the look* and say "1....2.....3....." (stopping counting when they give me their attention/stop what they were doing).  If we get all the way up to 3 then it's time for me to step in, take them away from whatever they were doing and sit to one side, establish eye contact, talk about it/help them calm down/whatever they need.

- if the biggies are going through a phase of pushing little sister then you will probably have to resign yourself that for a while you're going to have to pay extra attention and be right there while they're playing.  Watch for signs of aggression and step in *before* they act.

- some people use "time outs".  If this is in line with your parenting philosophy it might be one thing you could do to diffuse the situation without losing your own cool.  (ie. big sib pushes little sis down - instead of yelling or screaming, you can calmly say "you need to go to your room for some time out"). 

- some people use "reward charts".  If you are ok with using rewards to modify behaviour you might be interested in making a "listens the first time" (or however you want to phrase it) reward chart.  Every little time you "catch" them doing the good behaviour they get a sticker on the chart. 

- always be aware of the triggers that put the kids in a more volatile mood.  Well-fed, well-rested kids are usually in a better mood.  Some kids have other triggers - you know your kids best.  There might be small changes you can make to your day to help avoid those triggers.

Ok, gotta run.  Good luck mama - you will get past this. 

[Callimom]

Oh mama parenting twins is just hard work.  (I have a set myself) and doing lots of littles at once can be totally overwhelming (I had 4 in 5 years). Be gentle with yourself. 

The PP has some great suggestions and I'd suggest a few other things.

1) do some things to help yourself first. Yoga, exercise, journalling, a pottery class, - something that feeds you and helps you be centered and balanced. Work on getting sleep, water, good food, time outdoors, support of friends and family and even some health support etc.  Take your vitamins, talk to your naturopath about adrenal support, use your motherwort - lol. Make it physically possible for you to be the best mama you can be.

2) Put some things in place that will support you and give you perspective in the moment - pictures of your babies as babies on the wall where you can see them, a mantra taped to the bathroom mirror and over the sink, a list on the fridge of 10 things to do before you yell.  Write down a short description of what you want your family to feel like and read it every morning - or just prior to times that are typically challenging. Keep it top of mind.

3) Figure out what stresses you most and try to put strategies in place to make those few things easier. For me it was getting out the door - so I packed doubles of just about everything in the van so if I forgot something or needed to skip the power struggle around getting everyone's coats and boots on we had a backup. If it is the witching hour then start the crockpot in the morning so that dinner is easier. If it's nap time then find a solution that works for you. For me if they weren't napping by 2:00 and I needed that quiet I would pile everyone into the van, put on some quiet music and drive myself to get a coffee/tea at the drivethrough. Nine times out of 10 they went to sleep and I could park and read a book or knit a few rows or just breathe....

4) Get them outside, especially into nature, every day if you can. Do you have a safe place you can talk them for a walk/hike?  Put the baby in a back pack and go for an hour. It always amazes me how much easier things were when we were out doors.

5) Alternately if the day is going south go somewhere kid friendly with people - the children's department at the library, a kids museum or play space. Do you have some girlfriends you can call?  On really hard days it was easier to be a good parent if I had witnesses.

6) Connect, connect, connect as much as you can. Build times to do that into your day - snuggles in bed, morning yoga together, story time cuddled on the couch, family nap time.  Use physical touch, laughter - whatever works for you. I used to have a supply of super goofy jokes I could tell my oldest - when things were going south/getting chaotic I would call him over and whisper one to him. It could turn the day around.

7) Read if you can - Playful Parenting by Cohen and Kids Parents and Power Struggles by Kurcinka are worth their weight in gold in my opinion.

8) Create a space and structure if you can that makes you and the kids feel calm. Have a rhythm to your day (love the waldorf strategies around this), try to have calm spaces in your home where you can dial down the stimulation. Use music, story times, a balance of active and quiet activities to help you manage your day.  Twinergy can be a hard thing to manage.

9) Reach out - do you belong to a twins club? Have some girlfriends or family around? Can you get support from your husband?

I'm so sorry you are struggling but I absolutely applaud you for being willing to find some new strategies.

Hang in there.

Karen