Visiting a house with a smoker in it. WWYD?

[hillymum]

My 11 yr old son has finally made a friend who invites him over on the weekends. The lad and his mom are both very nice. His father is at home and suffers from PTS. he apparently smokes inside the house. I didn't know this until ds's friend stayed over night with us and his pillow stank of smoke. When my son is there he still smokes in the house but in a different part of the house. How would you react to this if you are a nonsmoking family? 

[oaktreemama]

I hate smoking I really do. I think parents who smoke around their kids are negligent at best.

That said, I would not choose my son's friends based on whether or not their parents smoked. It is something completely out of the control of the children. If the boy and his Mom are nice I would simply grin and bear the smoking part.

You could encourage the friend to come to your house more often, but for me, that is as far as I would go intervention wise.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by hillymum 

My 11 yr old son has finally made a friend who invites him over on the weekends. 

Let it go.

Be grateful that your son has a nice friend. Send the father compassion.

Practice non-judgment.

[neetling]

I'm really thankful that my friends were allowed to come over to my house even though my mom smoked.  I didn't realize how much it must have smelled until I was an adult and moved out.  I still feel shame for how I must have smelled sometimes and I had zero control over it.

Unless there are medical reasons to completely avoid smoke, I think I'd allow it, at least occasionally.

[mamalisa]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Originally Posted by hillymum 

My 11 yr old son has finally made a friend who invites him over on the weekends. 

Let it go.

Be grateful that your son has a nice friend. Send the father compassion.

Practice non-judgment.

I agree.  Encourage the kid to spend time at your house, but please let your child go.  Buy a pillow for him to use there and keep it in the garage, have him shower and do laundry when he gets home. 

[whatsnextmom]

Depends on whether it bothers your child. My youngest is highly sensitive to smells as I am. Cigarette smoke makes him physically ill. Staying over just wouldn't be an option for him. If it doesn't bother your child, a handful of sleep-overs a year isn't going to hurt him permanently. I'd just invite the child TOO the house more often than having yours go there. I would also have an open conversation with your child about it though I suspect you already do.

I must say, I rarely come across smokers these days. I'd be pretty shocked if my kid came home smelling of smoke!

[Marsupialmom]

If smoking is the worse thing that you can find out about this family let it go.  

Talk to your kid about smoking, addiction, et Why you don't like it.  

Most of the smokers we know are people that have been smoking 10 -20 even more years.  The scary thought is I am 37 if I had not manage to quit smoking I would have been a 25 year smoker. Yes, I talk to my kids about how hard it was to quit and why I quit.  It wasn't until I as 17 that I just could not walk into a store and buy them.  

Invite the kid to your house, maybe buy an extra pillow or two plus a blanket for him...instead of having him bring his stuff over.  

[lab]

I wouldn't let my 11 year old go over there.  And I would tell the family why. 

Second hand smoke is dangerous.    Third hand smoke is dangerous.  People who buy a house after a smoker moves out live with toxins.  No way!

My kids are 16, 15 and 13 so it's not like I don't have experience with sleepovers and checking out other families.....

And my kids still don't go over to someone's house unless I've met them.

eta - I would allow my 16 year old (almost 17) to make his own decision.

[Magali]

While I find cigarette smoke revolting, I'd still let my kid go. 

[hillymum]

After posting this I really sat down and thought about what was more important, my son finally having a good friend, or keeping him away from second/third hand smoke. Hving a good friend won. I don't think a few hours at a time once every week or two is going to do much harm. And after discussing my hesitation he has a bit more understanding about how bad smoking is and how negatively others can and might look at it.

[PiggyPiggyOinkOink]

As much as I despise smoking, if I prohibited my kids from being around smokers, they would never have a relationship with their paternal grandmother or most of their uncles.They have all been very respectful of our wishes not to have them smoke directly around us but we cannot avoid going to my IL's house, where it very much smells like smoke. We have talked with DS about why he can't be with Grammy when she's smoking. For us it's part of ongoing life education we do with our kids anyway.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by hillymum 

 And after discussing my hesitation he has a bit more understanding about how bad smoking is and how negatively others can and might look at it.

That's really cool that he gets to keep his friend and that it lead to a wonderful conversation between you guys. It sounds like it turned  into a learning experience for him!

[dalia]

Originally Posted by hillymum 

After posting this I really sat down and thought about what was more important, my son finally having a good friend, or keeping him away from second/third hand smoke. Hving a good friend won. I don't think a few hours at a time once every week or two is going to do much harm. And after discussing my hesitation he has a bit more understanding about how bad smoking is and how negatively others can and might look at it.

Awesome!!