Highly verbal toddler - not sure how to support play

[A-time-to-live]

I'm new here and do not know that my 23 month old DD is gifted but it seemed like this would be the best place to go for advice. She is very verbal - speaking in sentences and - more to the point - talking all of the time. She also plays very well with her dad and I and with her dolls. She pretends to go places: the store, the zoo, the hospital; she throws parties; she recreates special events: Halloween, Christmas; she acts out stories we've read...

The problem is that she is highly directive. So - when friends come over to play she tries to get them to play these games with her. That never goes very well and she typically gets frustrated and starts asking them to leave. I invited a slightly older friend (2.5 years) thinking maybe this would help. My DD still tried to direct the play and her friend still pretty much just ignored her.

I know that they don't typically play together at this age but it seems like DD really would like to. Also - a friend commented on how she's getting 'bossy' and I was a bit speechless. Do I redirect her to play something else by herself if it's not working out with her friends? Or try to find an even older playmate (but would they even want to play with her)? I'm not sure how to help her. I'm not even sure if I should be trying to. Maybe she just needs to muddle through this until her peers catch up a bit? She is so confident and I would hate for that to change. Also - I hate the idea of a negative label (bossy) being associated with her before she's even 2!

[loraxc]

We had this issue with DD in the 2s. There was no one in her daycare class who "got" how she wanted to play, so she mostly just hung out with the teachers. The 2s tend to be hard socially if you have a really verbal kid--the range of normal is SO wide then. It got better once she hit 3 and 4. I would mostly just advise you to give it time. That said, my DS is also super-verbal and has had the good luck to end up at a daycare with a couple of older boys (3 and 4) who enjoy playing with him. But he has unusually advanced social skills, I think. DD would probably not have been an appealing play partner for a 4yo in her 2s.

[Tigerle]

Originally Posted by loraxc 

We had this issue with DD in the 2s. There was no one in her daycare class who "got" how she wanted to play, so she mostly just hung out with the teachers. The 2s tend to be hard socially if you have a really verbal kid--the range of normal is SO wide then. It got better once she hit 3 and 4. I would mostly just advise you to give it time.  

That was us, too. I am afraid my advice is no better: give it time, it does get better as soon as her age peers are able to communicate. For the record, I don't think any toddler can play well with agemates (and 2.5 is still an agemate for her), though in the case of highly verbal toddlers, the difference between what you feel they'd like to do and what actually happens is so stark, and nonverbal peers are horribly frustrating for them. DS hated daycare with the other 2-year-olds and felt better immediately when we switched him into a 3-6 preschool class at 2y10m. He still has a hard time playing both with age peers and with somewhat older kids, but in this case I think he has some social challenges on top of it that we are currently trying to get to the bottom of.

I am not sure how to help with the "bossy" label; a friend who can't seem to understand why she acts how she ats is probably not that good a friend. Yes, I#d redirect for the sake of the adult relationship, but really she is just trying to get hte other kid to play...

I think this is why neighbourhood playgroups (what our parents and some of us had when we were little) worked so well: you just had to play with the other 3 or 4 children living close enough to come over without parents' facilitation, no matter how old or what sex, and the little ones simply had to let themselves be bossed around by the older ones in order to join in.

I occasionally had DS play with a neighbourhood girl who was 5 years older, which he LOVED. However, even though she loved little kids I felt it was unfair to ask too often, as of course she had her own girl friends and lots of homework and other activities, and it always felt to me a bit like asking her to babysit. She was highly verbal for her age herself and loved to chat to me when she came over! She moved which is a pity but the family which moved in happens to have little girl exactly her age so we'll see what happens this summer, she might be somewhat interested to play with our kitchen set in the sandbox...we make sure to keep stuff that's attractive to somewhat older girls around, because DS seems to click best with them.

[MJB]

My middle child is the one who is gifted and he has a brother 3 yrs. older so he just played with him as a toddler, and the other big kids in the neighborhood. He was physically advanced as well (rode a bike without trainers at 2.5) so he fit right into the gang. He never played with other toddlers. We started him in a 3s preschool at 2.5 where he made friends with the girls in the class who were the most verbal. He's now 5 and in kindergarten but his best friends are still his 8yo brother and the 9yo girl next door. It's really, really hard for him to understand the behavior of kids his own age and younger, but it has gotten better every year.

[joensally]

Originally Posted by A-time-to-live 

I'm new here and do not know that my 23 month old DD is gifted but it seemed like this would be the best place to go for advice. She is very verbal - speaking in sentences and - more to the point - talking all of the time. She also plays very well with her dad and I and with her dolls. She pretends to go places: the store, the zoo, the hospital; she throws parties; she recreates special events: Halloween, Christmas; she acts out stories we've read...

The problem is that she is highly directive. So - when friends come over to play she tries to get them to play these games with her. That never goes very well and she typically gets frustrated and starts asking them to leave. I invited a slightly older friend (2.5 years) thinking maybe this would help. My DD still tried to direct the play and her friend still pretty much just ignored her.

I know that they don't typically play together at this age but it seems like DD really would like to. Also - a friend commented on how she's getting 'bossy' and I was a bit speechless. Do I redirect her to play something else by herself if it's not working out with her friends? Or try to find an even older playmate (but would they even want to play with her)? I'm not sure how to help her. I'm not even sure if I should be trying to. Maybe she just needs to muddle through this until her peers catch up a bit? She is so confident and I would hate for that to change. Also - I hate the idea of a negative label (bossy) being associated with her before she's even 2!
 

Here's my .02.  She's two, and most kids this age aren't that great at playing collaboratively with age mates for any length of time.  I wouldn't sweat this at all, but you could involve yourself in their play and provide redirection and modeling.  The toddler/preschool set really gain when they get hands-on coaching in navigating their social world.

Was the friend who called her bossy an adult or child?

Finally, and I mean this gently...I wouldn't recommend framing this as her peers needing to "catch up."  From what you describe above, this is about being 2.  The difference between playing with an adult, who is accomodating, catering and guiding and playing with another egocentric toddler is enormous.  Her verbal skills may be advanced, her understanding of concepts may be advanced, but her social graces and understanding of others sounds age-appropriate.

[leighi123]

When ds was that age he was the same way.  It was MUCH easier for him to play with kids 1-3yrs older than him vs kids closer to his own age.  Being with "big kids" also made him less inclined to 'boss' and more inclined to work with the other kids in play.  

When interacting with younger kids I tried to do it in more 'open' environments (like playing at a playground, going swimming, or playing at the beach), where he could play, but in more of an active running around kinda way where all ages could interact.  

But him and kids the same age and playdates are still hard, he doesnt get why other kids 'dont get it' 

[A-time-to-live]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.  She does actually do better in wide-open spaces and in fact she plays better with boys because they will almost always play chase and other rough-and-tumble games with her.  (Not that I think girls don't play these games too - just that the girls we know don't.)  Maybe I can work on arranging more of these types of playdates and less of the others.  

I think my friend got in my head a bit and I started worrying that her directiveness in play could become a pattern and a larger problem for her later.  

Joensally, yes - of course she is an ego-centric toddler!  :-)  What I meant was until her peers start speaking and engaging in more symbolic play.  I am imagining that when they are also talking more and wanting to play 'birthday party,' (or whatever) they will also try to tell her what to do and then she won't seem so directive (bossy?) in comparison.  As I mentioned in my original post, I don't know that she is gifted - just very verbal and self-confident.  This is not something that I could talk to my friends about though.  I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting here.

[joensally]

Originally Posted by A-time-to-live 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.  She does actually do better in wide-open spaces and in fact she plays better with boys because they will almost always play chase and other rough-and-tumble games with her.  (Not that I think girls don't play these games too - just that the girls we know don't.)  Maybe I can work on arranging more of these types of playdates and less of the others.  

I think my friend got in my head a bit and I started worrying that her directiveness in play could become a pattern and a larger problem for her later.  

Joensally, yes - of course she is an ego-centric toddler!  :-)  What I meant was until her peers start speaking and engaging in more symbolic play.  I am imagining that when they are also talking more and wanting to play 'birthday party,' (or whatever) they will also try to tell her what to do and then she won't seem so directive (bossy?) in comparison.  As I mentioned in my original post, I don't know that she is gifted - just very verbal and self-confident.  This is not something that I could talk to my friends about though.  I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting here.

:)

I wasn't at all implying she isn't gifted, or that you shouldn't post here.  This is a great place to post about things when a child seems out of sync with norms or peers.  I was actually referring to the easy trap to fall into of attributing stuff to gifted or advanced versus kid stuff.  Your reference to symbolic play makes the difference clearer to me.  Let her boss, I say - her peers will give it right back soon enough :).

[mckittre]

I suspect they're all bossy, but we can only tell with the verbal ones.  :)  My 23 month old is a very verbal (otherwise average) kid, and he's also constantly telling all of us what to do and what to think about pretty much everything, all day long.  He doesn't play with other kids yet either really.  Older ones are too overwhelming and active, and neither younger nor older kids want to do what he tells them.  I'm sure they'll all pick it up in time.