"I didn't breastfeed my first" so not planning to bf the next...

[MEcatlady17]

I am looking for some tips on how to talk to a mom who told me this when I asked if she had considered breastfeeding her soon to be born baby.  FYI- I am a professional whose job it is to provide parents with education, support, resources around parenting and child development.  I have worked with this mom for a year and a half (after she had last baby).  Her first baby she apparently planned on formula feeding and did not initiate breastfeeding at all.  She also had a horrible reaction to her epidural which caused her to not be able to care for her baby for the first couple of days.  She is due in a month or so with this baby.

A month or so ago she was considering breastfeeding as a choice for the baby she is pregnant with.  She told me she was worried though about breastfeeding him when she hadn't baby #1 as it might now be fair, that she would feel bad about doing it differently, bonding differently, etc. (surprised me that she considered that bfing could result in stronger attachment as she has an awesome relationship with her toddler..)  Today I asked her if she had thought any more about how she would like to feed new baby and she just responded with "bottle".  We were interrupted by the toddler and I didn't find a way to get back into the discussion and wanted to think about how to respond.  I would like to bring it up one last time.  I think I will be direct by saying "I'd like to talk to you again about your feeding choices once X is born" or something like that, and let her know that I definitely do not want to make her feel pressured and that I am not judging her choices, but that something that I always want moms to know is that you can always stop breastfeeding if you don't like it/don't want to/etc, but it is much harder to start to breastfeeding if you decide down the road that you regret that choice.  I'd like to ask her if she would consider initiating in the hospital so baby could get the colostrum, take it feeding by feeding (not even day by day) to see if it is something she wants to continue.  That she may be surprised that it is something she enjoys...  I believe in our first conversation we already talked about how it can take time for some babies and moms to learn to breastfeed while others do not have many difficulties, but that most moms find that after a month or two it can be very easy.

Essentially...I feel like I am in a place where this mom respects what I have to say, that we have to relationship to discuss things like this...  and I wonder if I may be the only one who will be able to offer her choices and accurate info on breastfeeding (that it doesn't have to be all or nothing, that even if she only bf'ed for a short period of time it was a great start (rather than well I don't want to bf long so I might as well not do it), that there are options like pumping if she has some real strong aversions to feeding from the breast that I do not know of, etc.  I think about the fact that many moms have never been given accurate info on breastfeeding and think that formula is just as good and are surprised later on when they learn about breastfeeding.   As a professional I worry about letting the opportunity slide without at least making sure she had the info to make a true informed choice.  I know that she has heard something about it from the ladies at WIC, and I am not sure about the doctor's office.  The BFing rate in her area is extremely low.  The docs and nurses have made a big deal and acted very surprised by some of my other clients who continued to breastfeed beyond the newborn period. 

If you formula fed your first-- what changed your mind with your next baby.  What do you wish someone had said to you?  I feel like I owe her and her baby one last conversation to feel out how she is feeling and how she is making her choice before I let it go.  What would you say?

[soso-lynn]

I think that the day-by-day approach is a good start. I would discuss a bit more this issue of it not being fair to her first child. Perhaps she needs to work through her feelings about not breastfeeding him. I would also ask her about other things she will do differently. You say she had a bad reaction to the epidural so I assume she is not getting one this time. Does she think that is unfair?

[MEcatlady17]

I did bring the issue up of not being able to parent two children the same.  We talked about how this child might have such a different temperament that she has to relearn a lot of parenting strategies around sleeping, discipline, as well as eating.  We talked about how parenting is always a learning process where you change and adapt as you gain experience and information, and that it wouldn't be unfair to breastfeed one and not the other ...  she is so informed and thoughtful about so many issues...I am not sure the barrier to breastfeeding.  I wonder if she truly does not know the differences between BM and formula...  having been raised in a formula feeding environment I am not sure she knows anyone who has breastfed.  I would love to be able to give her more info without her feeling pushed.  It is a fine line.  Breastfeeding has become such a sensitive issue that it is very hard for me to support families who have not specifically requested info or reported their plan are to breastfeed...  even my coworkers feel that just saying "would you like info on breastfeeding" and responding with the generic breast vs formula handouts are adequate.  I however feel ethically like I have a place to provide info and support to those who want it as well as those who aren't necessarily refusing the info, but don't even know enough about breastfeeding to ask questions.  Does that even make sense.  it's been a long day, lol.

[Buzzer Beater]

I ended up FF my first... I started BF in the hospital and had no support at home. Not my mother, MIL, sister, SILs had BF their babes... husband wasn't into it. Well just couldn't care either way. And I was young, had no real idea of the benefits of BF. I wish I'd had somebody just like you to encourage me! What's her home situation? Is she a reader? Some good links or a good book might go far. Has she been around other women who BF? At 27 I had NEVER seen another woman breast feed her child.

I'm BF now with a supportive husband and friends. and DD1 thinks it's great.

[MyFullHouse]

I don't know what you should actually say or do, but I can tell you that I chose to ff my first from day 1.  I "tried" to bf'ed my second and third, but wound up supplementing and weaning by 2 months.  I EBF'ed my 4th to 9 months and weaned at 11 months.  My 5th is EBF'ed, and I hope to continue into toddlerhood.

My eldest is 12, and hasn't shown any signs of resentment. ;-)

I was also ff'ed while my younger sisters were bf'ed, and I still like my mom and sisters just fine! :)