slipping

[Rose-Roget]

I'm here to get advice and support, please don't flame me.

Ds, 6, has SPD and is a naturally intense child on top of it.  He is NOT an "easy" child.  But he's a wonderful, sweet, loving child (most of the time! lol!),

I am his strongest advocate, I try to be the best mother I can be, and I use multiple strategies to "coach" him about managing his SPD and navigating social/school situations. I do TRY, but I'm ashamed to say that I yell more than I should.  Sometimes, it feels like he needs something surprising and loud to get through to him, to make him take what I say/other say/the expectation seriously, rather than living inside his senses or head.  Does that make any sense?  Anyway, I don't like that side of me.  I don't want to be the yelling mom.

But here's what I'm feeling even worse about.  I spanked him yesterday morning.  Over teeth brushing.  This has always been a battle for us, and he had been arguing all morning already and woken up his sister and I was angry, so I reverted to my upbringing and "gave him something to cry about."  I feel AWFUL!  I certainly don't want to be (and I'm not!) that kind of mom.

The added problem is, he straightened up, didn't argue, was pleasant, and got done what he needed to to get to school.  And I see my brother's kids who don't argue excessively and just do what needs to be done to move on with life (get dressed, follow routines or resonable directions, do their work at school...).  I don't like the way he parents (hits with a belt), but he doesn't have nearly as much "trouble" with 4 children than I do with 1.   (I want to be clear that I don't expect absolute obedience - I'm talking about "simple" things that can get us on our way during the day or make our lives run more smoothly.  The routines and easy stuff.)

I thought it went against my belief system to spank or "rule" with intimidation.  But I'm feeling like I'm running out of resources and yelling (now spanked) way more than I like.  Help me. 

[Petie1104]

I'm going to say this, and I'll probably be told I'm wrong, but I have to say it...

Spanking works.

So do time outs, withholding affection, CIO, beatings, torture, abuse, etc.

The question isn't whether it works or not.  The question is what kind of a relationship do you want with your children.  Do you want your child to be aggressive, because if you show them aggression, that aggression will come out somewhere and it probably WON'T be in your presence where you can correct it.  Do you want your child to see you as an enforcer to fear, or as an ally to hlep him?  Spanking will make you an enforcer to fear.  Do you want your child to talk to you about how he feels?  Spanking will limit that because he will start to fear you when his feelings get intense and he will internalize them instead.  Do you want your child to know that you love him regardless of his behavior?  Spanking screams, "when you make me mad I don't like you". 

Not spanking for me is not about what works and doesn't work.  I know that spanking works.  I know that when I spanked my kids were always pleasant to be around in my presence.  But I also saw that they didn't want to spend time with me as much as they do now.  I noticed that when they thought I wasn't looking, they were becoming aggressive with each other, especially the older ones to the younger ones.  I noticed that they feared me when they misbehaved and that made actual teaching impossible.  Spanking works, so does GD, it just takes more time and energy.  In my opinion, spanking works but GD is better. 

Spanking and punishments teach a child what not to do.  GD teaches a child what they should do. 

[pacificbliss]

Aww, you get no flames, only hugs from me. Nurturing and raising kids is tough and we are bound to slip up from time to time. The fact that you are here looking for help means you are not "ruling with intimidation". A few thoughts come to mind. My son does much better when I clue him in on all the plans and I do mean all. He fights with me about putting on jammies. Usually though, if I say, put on your jammies, we'll read 3 books then you can brush your teeth, go potty and get a drink of water he seems to feel more a part of the process. Sometimes he even likes to switch it up and will ask if he can brush his teeth, then put on his jammies, etc and I can say yes and he feels like he has a little control. I have learned to choose my battles. Teeth don't get brushed every night here. Life is too short and they are only little a short period of time. If it's not negotiable, say he didn't brush his teeth this morning I very calmly spell out the consequences to arguing. Usually t means he gets a favorite toy taken away for an hour. Tooth brushing was a bad example here since he's headed to bed but you get the idea.

Hang in there mama

[pianojazzgirl]

In line with what Pacificbliss is saying, have you thought about doing a chart of the steps of the routine for getting ready in the morning (and/or getting ready for bed, or whatever part of the day is toughest)?  You guys could make it together.  Figure out what needs to be done (get dressed, brush teeth, whatever), draw a pic of the activity with a short description underneath.  Some kids really do well having it all "laid out" in front of them.  Another spin on it is to make it more of a "reward chart" (if that's something you aren't opposed to) where you put a little sticker each time he completes the activity.

[Rose-Roget]

Thank you for those supportive responses.  It helps me feel a little more solidly footed.  I know exactly why I don't want to be that mom, and I desperately want to keep a positive, respecting relationship with ds.  I want to be the person he turns to when he needs something, not the person he hides mistakes from. 

I do have charts, and he insists he doesn't need to follow them because "he knows the steps."  We also do social stories, social-cognitive thinking activities, and visual timers (these are for a variety of routines and life-activites, not exclusively morning routines).  We have done the reward system (which is effective for about a week).   I offer him a protein shake or food when he first wakes up, especially if he's feeling tired, but he refuses them.  We also pay for private OT and do a home sensory diet to help with the sensory piece.  

He does know what the routines are and why to do them.  He just perpetually gets stuck in what is going on in his head or with his senses that he doesn't snap out of it to do them - seemingly until something happens TO snap him out of it (this carries over to getting his work done in school too).  I just need to figure out what that "something" is that can get through to him without being hurtful to him or our relationship.  I'm sure it's something like patience and persistence with what we're already doing.  Again, thank you.

[joensally]

Rose-Roget, I'm parenting a boy who sounds similar in many ways.  It sounds like you are doing a GREAT job with your son.

I can't think of a practical recommendation that you don't already have covered, but have one piece of advice that worked for me.  When I was standing there screaming in my head, I would remind myself that DS was doing the best he could at that moment and that he was making progress.  He was "better" at ____ or ____ than he was last year, and that incremental, slow progress is still progress.  This didn't change his behaviour, but it changed my experience of it, which gave me the patience I needed.

Have you seen the Garcia Winner materials?

[NellieKatz]

That was very, very well put. It makes me want to copy it in case somebody ever asks me about spanking....you've summed it up quite perfectly.

Originally Posted by Petie1104 

I'm going to say this, and I'll probably be told I'm wrong, but I have to say it...

Spanking works.

So do time outs, withholding affection, CIO, beatings, torture, abuse, etc.

The question isn't whether it works or not.  The question is what kind of a relationship do you want with your children.  Do you want your child to be aggressive, because if you show them aggression, that aggression will come out somewhere and it probably WON'T be in your presence where you can correct it.  Do you want your child to see you as an enforcer to fear, or as an ally to hlep him?  Spanking will make you an enforcer to fear.  Do you want your child to talk to you about how he feels?  Spanking will limit that because he will start to fear you when his feelings get intense and he will internalize them instead.  Do you want your child to know that you love him regardless of his behavior?  Spanking screams, "when you make me mad I don't like you". 

Not spanking for me is not about what works and doesn't work.  I know that spanking works.  I know that when I spanked my kids were always pleasant to be around in my presence.  But I also saw that they didn't want to spend time with me as much as they do now.  I noticed that when they thought I wasn't looking, they were becoming aggressive with each other, especially the older ones to the younger ones.  I noticed that they feared me when they misbehaved and that made actual teaching impossible.  Spanking works, so does GD, it just takes more time and energy.  In my opinion, spanking works but GD is better. 

Spanking and punishments teach a child what not to do.  GD teaches a child what they should do. 

[LynnS6]

A couple of suggestions:

Orange juice when he first wakes up (maybe 4 oz) to get his system running, THEN the protein shake/something else to eat. His system may need a little jump start, and the sugar in OJ might wake his stomach up enough for him to eat.

Have you been introduced to the Wilbargar Brushing Protocol? If you haven't, you might want to ask your occupational therapist about it. It helps reset the sensory system, and should be done ~every 2 hours. If you do it first thing in the morning, or as he's getting dressed, he might be able to snap out of his sensory doldrums and get him going. He may well need something louder to get him going in the morning.

If you haven't read the book "Sensaational Kids" I highly recommend it. It has a list at the end of each chapter (different chapters for different types of sensory issues) on things that can help your sensory kid get centered.

The final thing is that I know he's 6, but in terms of self-regulation and ability to do things himself, treat him like he's 2-3 years younger than that. That's about how delayed my sensory kid was in self-care. If you just pretend that he's really 3 or 4, sometimes life is easier. Physically, that's where he may be.

Other than that, apologize to him, make a plan for what you'll do differently the next time, and move on.

[Rose-Roget]

I'm appreciating these responses!  I'll try to reply in order.

We love Michelle Garcia Winner.  He's very familiar with Superflex and Social Detective programs.  I also have the Social Behavior Mapping book, which I'm going to implement, as well as The Incredible 5-point scale (by Kari someone, not G-W). 

We have been doing the Wilbarger brushing protocol for about 4 months.  While it REALLY helps with his ability to fall asleep, it's working more subtly in other areas (but still working).  I'll re-read Sensational Kids.  I more skimmed it than read it a while back when I was also reading The Out of Sync Child.

I'll try the OJ before protein in the morning.  Could be a lighter way, and quicker sugar boost, to wake his body up.

I will also try to keep in my head ideas of him being younger than he is in terms of self-care and tantrums, as well as consciously thinking about how much better he is in certain areas than he was last year.  And I'll try to do all the yelling in my head, and not out my mouth.  Those are good strategies to keep myself in check!   I do apologize to him, and he graciously accepts. :)

[pianojazzgirl]

Ok, so I had a bit of insomnia last night, and sometimes when that happens I lie in bed thinking about something I've read on MDC (I usually read here for a bit before bed), and I was thinking about your OP.  I came up with some kind of wacky ideas (late-night style!) but I thought I'd share them anyway...

- My first thought was already suggest by a pp - instead of worrying about getting the protein in right away try "priming the pump" with something sweet.  Oj is a great idea, or you could even make it something to sneak some protein in at the same time (homemade peanut butter cookies made not-too-sugary, one of those bars like a Lara Bar or Clif Bar, etc).  There have been times when my kids have had a couple of Smarties just to get the blood sugar level up so they're able to sit and eat dinner... weird I know, but it works.

- you say that yelling is one thing that "snaps him out" of whatever's going on in his head.  Maybe you'd be able to find something more gentle that would work.  What about getting down face-to-face, holding him (gently) by his two shoulders and establishing eye contact?  OR... something totally crazy like singing in dramatic operatic tone "it is time for us to brush our teeeeeeth!!!!", maybe paired with dancing around?  (or other playful approach... my creativity is failing me).

- you say that you already have a chart, but he says "he knows it already".  What about learning all the "steps" on the chart in a different language?  Does he know "brush teeth", "get dressed" etc in Spanish/French/whatever?  My dd is 6 and I'm pretty sure that would appeal to her, but of course every kid is different.

- I was thinking about ways in which you could bring novelty to teeth brushing.  Some random (probably weird, lol) thoughts I came up with were: have a bag with different (cool... character?) toothbrushes.  Each morning he reaches into the bag and sees what he gets.  Or do the same idea with different toothpastes.  Or both.  I had other ideas last night, but now I've forgotten, lol.

- Or the quick and dirty approach.  Put on a youtube clip of interest.  The deal is that while he watches you brush his teeth.  At least this gets it done, yk.  We are pretty much no-screen time around here, but I might be tempted to make an exception to avoid an on-going get-out-the-door-in-the-morning battle.

Well, I'm sure I had more ideas in the wee hours last night, but anyway, that's all I can think of right now.  Good luck!

[Rose-Roget]

Those are some great ideas, pianojazzgirl!  I appreciate that my post was actually something you considered while you were not sleeping.  Thanks!  They are all great ideas, some of which I've tried, and some not - nothing too weird, imo.

So let's see - the idea of getting his blood sugar up could really make mornings go more smoothly.  Since I had kind of let go of trying something first thing when he was refusing the protein, I hadn't tried other ideas.  Sometimes, a little boost can go a long way.

Most of the time, I do get down to his level and have him look me in the face to make sure he's heard me (even when I yell, I have usually tried this first, at least once).   And it's not that he doesn't want to pay attention; he usually does for the moment.

He speaks French (dh is French), but I haven't tried another language.  Maybe I could even try sign language pictures!  It may last a little while, at least. :)

The song and dance routine loses its novelty pretty quickly with him, and sometimes comes back to bite me if his senses are teetering on overload. (Yikes!)  But it's always worth a try to keep things interesting for him! :)

Unfortunately, videos/screen time totally backfires for him. He's really sensitive to something about screens, so we only allow those on certain occasions.  Maybe we could try his favorite music, as an alternative, though.

Thank you again.  I love the suggestions.  Obviously, I need these additional resources to help.  Even the ones I've tried before, it's great to bring freshly to mind to add in agian/more often. :)

[applecider]

I don't have anything helpful to add, but your son sounds just like mine (we are just going to be starting OT at 5.5) and you sound similar to me!  So these suggestions will work well for me too.  It's interesting that you say that yelling seems to snap him out of it and that is exactly why I think I do most of my yelling.  I want to stop though.  I'm hoping the OT can give us some ideas as well.