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Article: Regrets of a SAHM. Thoughts? - Page 12

post #221 of 242

ALright, I started a work life balance for SAHP thread here

post #222 of 242

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post

Y'all have been lucky then, because in most of the circles/playgroups I have been exposed to all people want to talk about are their kids (ie. teeth and spit-up). I'm like "hey, what do you think about what's going on in Egypt" and people are like, "Um. So did you know the Gap is having a sale on onsies?"

 

This made me chuckle because I can completely relate to this, but unfortunately it's on the side of onsies.  Or poop.  Poop is big in my world right now.  ROTFLMAO.gif If anyone brought up anything concerning world politics or current events, it's probably 50-50 that I would have any idea what was being talked about.  I certainly have days where my brain resembles baby food, but it really doesn't bother me because like everything else, it's only temporary.  I'm at peace with the decisions my DH and I have made for our family.  I'm choosing to go back to work one day a week to maintain my skills, but other than that I'm at home.  I share the same outlook as some PP's - I don't know what the future has in store, but I'll deal with it as it comes rather than trying to prepare for every possible outcome right now.

 

post #223 of 242
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post

Y'all have been lucky then, because in most of the circles/playgroups I have been exposed to all people want to talk about are their kids (ie. teeth and spit-up). I'm like "hey, what do you think about what's going on in Egypt" and people are like, "Um. So did you know the Gap is having a sale on onsies?"

lol.gif ... sounds very familiar ... and they'll still talk about some sale when the kids start school already ... then it's

about soccer practice, music lessons and whatnots ...  

 

The flip side though, some people would kill to worry about these sort of things - rather than more serious

stuff, say you live in Egypt or Afghanistan ...  

 

When things irritate me, I try to remind myself that things could be a lot worse ... because imagining

things can be a lot better usually only makes me feel worse ... ROTFLMAO.gif

post #224 of 242

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4myfinn View Post


 

 And a career is just that- a way to pay the bills.

 

 


To me, this is the distinction I would make, rather than the "career women" vs. "hourly employees." I think it is wise advice to really think twice about becoming a SAHP if you are particularly motivated or satisfied by your career. On the other hand if you see your work as merely a way to pay the bills, there is perhaps less perceived "risk" (for want of a better word) that SAHP will turn out to be a bad move for you. Because ultimately, yes, probably there will always be a way of earning money. It's harder to get back into a career that you left 5, 10, 15 years ago than it is to get any job that pays. And speaking generally, "career women" are probably more likely to be very satisfied and motivated by their work, than their hourly paid (lower paid, usually) colleagues. Again, it's a generalisation. But that doesn't mean there isn't a truism there.


 

post #225 of 242


Quote:

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by 4myfinn View Post

We will always find a way to pay the bills.  And a career is just that- a way to pay the bills.

 




Well actually I think the point of the PP was that for some women a career is not just a way to pay the bills, but instead vital to identity and well being. Obviously for women like this being a SAHM is not a good decision.

I'm guessing she made the assumption that hourly wage earners generally don't have the same sort of identity investment in their jobs and so are less likely to suffer alienation as a result of SAHMing.

ETA: Because the above is how I understand her line of thought I don;t see how its offensive. I think some folks are looking a little hard for reasons to take stuff personally.

 

If only I'd read your post, Chamomile Girl, before I posted mine. This is exactly what I meant, too.

 

post #226 of 242

I will be sure to contribute to the balence thread, having done this job for 9 years now.

 

Since my kids are not tots anymore, and my dd2, the youngest will enter kindy FT in the fall, I have a different take on the whole article. Or maybe because I am pushing 40, not just turning 30 when I started the whole parent thing.

 

For every Tiger Mom book, there is a Dr Sears book or a gentle dis book or a wonderful article by Peggy here at MDC.

 

Try this out for a scenerio, Lets say she didnt do the free lance thing, stayed in her field and did the competive missed out on this and that etc. Then last year, as most media outlets did- gave this person her own personal walking papers. She would be writing about how she is now under the roof without her husband, two strange teens, and no chance of ever getting back to where she was 2 years ago with that high salary, etc. Because there are plenty and I mean plenty of single parents, working and married women out there in this predictament. The article would be how this job molded her, owned her she sacrificed this that and now, she just has a wall with her awards and her degrees but now she can spend this time and get to know her sons before they leave next year for college. Or she could write about how this job costed her a marriage or they always competed in their field. Blah blah.

 

I dont know if the writer is lurking on this thread, but I think it was written during a dark moment and it sounds like a great thing to blame. I am sure if she talked to her sons, they will remember all those times with her and have that to look back at instead of a wall of awards and the latest and greatest eletronic gadget.

 

I left a good job after I went on bedrest, I was in sales for years and could always pick something up. Doing what I did, maybe not because industries such as that want young fresh faces. Consulting and training, yes because these same industries want an older more experienced person showing the next group coming in how to do it.  

post #227 of 242
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amys1st View Post

 

Try this out for a scenerio, Lets say she didnt do the free lance thing, stayed in her field and did the competive missed out on this and that etc. Then last year, as most media outlets did- gave this person her own personal walking papers. She would be writing about how she is now under the roof without her husband, two strange teens, and no chance of ever getting back to where she was 2 years ago with that high salary, etc. Because there are plenty and I mean plenty of single parents, working and married women out there in this predictament. The article would be how this job molded her, owned her she sacrificed this that and now, she just has a wall with her awards and her degrees but now she can spend this time and get to know her sons before they leave next year for college. Or she could write about how this job costed her a marriage or they always competed in their field. Blah blah.

 

I dont know if the writer is lurking on this thread, but I think it was written during a dark moment and it sounds like a great thing to blame. I am sure if she talked to her sons, they will remember all those times with her and have that to look back at instead of a wall of awards and the latest and greatest eletronic gadget.

 

I left a good job after I went on bedrest, I was in sales for years and could always pick something up. Doing what I did, maybe not because industries such as that want young fresh faces. Consulting and training, yes because these same industries want an older more experienced person showing the next group coming in how to do it.  


In the predicament of not knowing their kids?  Or not having a job?  WOHM's know their kids.  Just like you know yours.  I know, you disagree b/c you stayed home and parented 24/7 - but I absolutely treasure the time I have with my ds.  Yes, even though I'm away from him 40+ hours/week.

post #228 of 242
Of course you treasure your time with your child, and of course you "know" him.

But I've worked FT with little kids, and I've been a SAHP to little kids, and the two lifestyles are so radically different that I've learned take seriously any woman who professes a strong inclination in either direction. A woman who wants to WOH is not going to thrive as a SAHP. A woman wants to be at home with her baby is not going to thrive in a high-powered career. Women on both sides if the fence will do what's necessary for the family to get by, because women are strong and adaptable. But the preference for one lifestyle over the other is not an idle thing, and going against what your heart tells you is best for your family is not a trivial thing.
post #229 of 242
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

Of course you treasure your time with your child, and of course you "know" him.

But I've worked FT with little kids, and I've been a SAHP to little kids, and the two lifestyles are so radically different that I've learned take seriously any woman who professes a strong inclination in either direction. A woman who wants to WOH is not going to thrive as a SAHP. A woman wants to be at home with her baby is not going to thrive in a high-powered career. Women on both sides if the fence will do what's necessary for the family to get by, because women are strong and adaptable. But the preference for one lifestyle over the other is not an idle thing, and going against what your heart tells you is best for your family is not a trivial thing.


My response was to the pp who implied that if the author of the article had not SAH, she would be living with teenage strangers.  My point was that, No, she would not be living with strangers, b/c WOHM's know their children.

post #230 of 242

Super-Single Mama, you are of course right.  All parents know their children.  But I think with a little rephrasing, the PP has a point: Let's say the author of the article decided to work out of her home for financial reasons, even though she wanted to be a SAHM.  If the same set of circumstances went down as did in the article (her job was eliminated, she and her husband divorced), now she's got pretty much all the problems the article sets forth (little income, a messy divorce, and so on) plus she wanted to stay at home, but missed that opportunity too.  It's not all that unlikely that in this current economic climate she might have lost her job anyway.  That's what I think the PP was trying to say: if all this awful stuff in the article went down, AND she regretted not staying home when she had the chance, this could be even worse.

post #231 of 242



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Amys1st View Post

 

Try this out for a scenerio, Lets say she didnt do the free lance thing, stayed in her field and did the competive missed out on this and that etc. Then last year, as most media outlets did- gave this person her own personal walking papers. She would be writing about how she is now under the roof without her husband, two strange teens, and no chance of ever getting back to where she was 2 years ago with that high salary, etc. Because there are plenty and I mean plenty of single parents, working and married women out there in this predictament. The article would be how this job molded her, owned her she sacrificed this that and now, she just has a wall with her awards and her degrees but now she can spend this time and get to know her sons before they leave next year for college. Or she could write about how this job costed her a marriage or they always competed in their field. Blah blah.

 

I dont know if the writer is lurking on this thread, but I think it was written during a dark moment and it sounds like a great thing to blame. I am sure if she talked to her sons, they will remember all those times with her and have that to look back at instead of a wall of awards and the latest and greatest eletronic gadget.

 

I left a good job after I went on bedrest, I was in sales for years and could always pick something up. Doing what I did, maybe not because industries such as that want young fresh faces. Consulting and training, yes because these same industries want an older more experienced person showing the next group coming in how to do it.  


In the predicament of not knowing their kids?  Or not having a job?  WOHM's know their kids.  Just like you know yours.  I know, you disagree b/c you stayed home and parented 24/7 - but I absolutely treasure the time I have with my ds.  Yes, even though I'm away from him 40+ hours/week.

I know that the WOHMoms know their kids, several of my closest friends are WOHMoms but I am taking a media twist on the whole thing, just like I think the picture she painted is one way, this is another way. And as I see, it got you irked, so I imagine it would irk others in the same predictiment if that was posted. This is not my opinion, but what could be said. Just like the Tiger Mom vs Dr Sears parenting, where there is one, there is the other.

 

And further, I do not disagree, just like I didnt parent 24/7. I think you treasure the time you have, just like my DH does as well.

 



 

post #232 of 242
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

Of course you treasure your time with your child, and of course you "know" him.

But I've worked FT with little kids, and I've been a SAHP to little kids, and the two lifestyles are so radically different that I've learned take seriously any woman who professes a strong inclination in either direction. A woman who wants to WOH is not going to thrive as a SAHP. A woman wants to be at home with her baby is not going to thrive in a high-powered career. Women on both sides if the fence will do what's necessary for the family to get by, because women are strong and adaptable. But the preference for one lifestyle over the other is not an idle thing, and going against what your heart tells you is best for your family is not a trivial thing.


I also know several WOHparents who would do anything to stay home but cannot. On the flipside, I know a few moms who should be working FT or at least a PT situation, but for whatever reason, are in a SAH lifestyle. Then there is the happy medium where there are several parents I know, where she is working and it makes everything much better, esp for the mama. And the same with the SAHparent.

post #233 of 242
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amys1st View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

Of course you treasure your time with your child, and of course you "know" him.

But I've worked FT with little kids, and I've been a SAHP to little kids, and the two lifestyles are so radically different that I've learned take seriously any woman who professes a strong inclination in either direction. A woman who wants to WOH is not going to thrive as a SAHP. A woman wants to be at home with her baby is not going to thrive in a high-powered career. Women on both sides if the fence will do what's necessary for the family to get by, because women are strong and adaptable. But the preference for one lifestyle over the other is not an idle thing, and going against what your heart tells you is best for your family is not a trivial thing.


I also know several WOHparents who would do anything to stay home but cannot. On the flipside, I know a few moms who should be working FT or at least a PT situation, but for whatever reason, are in a SAH lifestyle. Then there is the happy medium where there are several parents I know, where she is working and it makes everything much better, esp for the mama. And the same with the SAHparent.

 

I still don't know what I want to do. It's not like being a nurse was the best thing ever OMG! But I *am* someone who has always taken care of herself *and* the family and it's a bit strange being home like this. After baby comes and the husband is out of school and working, I will have a better understanding (hopefully!) of what I want.

 

I wish I had a strong inclination either way. For me, the grass seems greener no matter where I stand.

 

Really, what would be super cool is if I all of a sudden was an amazing lampwork artist and could generate an income, while making beautiful things. Maybe I just need to stop with my practical career and finally go for what I have always wanted to do; be an artist. It just seems so indulgent.

post #234 of 242
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

Of course you treasure your time with your child, and of course you "know" him.

But I've worked FT with little kids, and I've been a SAHP to little kids, and the two lifestyles are so radically different that I've learned take seriously any woman who professes a strong inclination in either direction. A woman who wants to WOH is not going to thrive as a SAHP. A woman wants to be at home with her baby is not going to thrive in a high-powered career. Women on both sides if the fence will do what's necessary for the family to get by, because women are strong and adaptable. But the preference for one lifestyle over the other is not an idle thing, and going against what your heart tells you is best for your family is not a trivial thing.


Yeah, and I guess I'm really not sure what the qoutes around know mean?  Are you implying that you know your children better than I know mine?  Or that I don't know my child as well as I should?  Know, and "know" are 2 different things, with 2 different implications when posting online.  Maybe my son deserves better than me as a mother, but I'm what he's got - he's stuck.  I'm not going anywhere, and he doesn't get to choose a SAHM or a WOHM. 

 

I really think the quotes around the word Know are what really gets to me in your post.  Of course people shouldn't go against what they have a strong preference for - but women who are SAH don't necessarily know their children any better than WOHM's do.  This is the whole mommy wars thing again - it has me wondering why women are so competitive, and men aren't as much.  Maybe its b/c women who do want a career (or job) are going against the grain and women who SAH are doing what women are expected to do?

post #235 of 242
Quote:
Originally Posted by geekgolightly View Post

I am considering a post-nup. My husband offered it up. I might take him up on it. He said he understood I am hobbling my career, ability to earn and ability to have my own retirement set up and wants to assure me that he would never leave me out in the cold. But it has happened so often to so many good people who loved each other deeply, you know?

 

A post-nup is an excellent idea.  I'm all for being proactive.  My DH and I signed a pre-nup before I agreed to marry him that stipulates if I would decide to stay home with any children we would have, DH would put an amount equal to my yearly salary plus a (certain percentage every year to account for raises and bonuses lost) into an interest-bearing account that is in my name only.  Since DH is the only one working, his salary is considered to be both of ours.  In other words, if I want to go to Starbucks, I don't need to ask if he has a spare fiver I could use! lol

 

It doesn't account for the experience I'm losing by being a SAHM, but I feel secure knowing that, if our marriage were to end, I would at least be no worse off financially than if we hadn't married in the first place.

post #236 of 242
Thread Starter 

I think men are definitely competitive. They are just better at being strategic rather than hotheaded. In general, In general, fellow peeps!

post #237 of 242
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamashtu View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by geekgolightly View Post

I am considering a post-nup. My husband offered it up. I might take him up on it. He said he understood I am hobbling my career, ability to earn and ability to have my own retirement set up and wants to assure me that he would never leave me out in the cold. But it has happened so often to so many good people who loved each other deeply, you know?

 

A post-nup is an excellent idea.  I'm all for being proactive.  My DH and I signed a pre-nup before I agreed to marry him that stipulates if I would decide to stay home with any children we would have, DH would put an amount equal to my yearly salary plus a (certain percentage every year to account for raises and bonuses lost) into an interest-bearing account that is in my name only.  Since DH is the only one working, his salary is considered to be both of ours.  In other words, if I want to go to Starbucks, I don't need to ask if he has a spare fiver I could use! lol

 

It doesn't account for the experience I'm losing by being a SAHM, but I feel secure knowing that, if our marriage were to end, I would at least be no worse off financially than if we hadn't married in the first place.


Thanks for posting your experience. I got some flak (not just here) about considering a post-nup. The whole notion that it's not romantic, maybe the reason for the bristling. I think your set-up is pretty great and DH and I need ideas like yours about how to set things up. We are only in the beginning stages of this. I bet other people will find your situation helpful as well.

 

 

post #238 of 242

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

 This is the whole mommy wars thing again - it has me wondering why women are so competitive, and men aren't as much.  Maybe its b/c women who do want a career (or job) are going against the grain and women who SAH are doing what women are expected to do?


I think it's because the vast majority of men still don't really discuss parenting with each other.  Parenting is that thing, for most men, about which you say in public, "It's so great to be a father" and then the conversation is over.  Men don't generally get into these battles because most of the time men seem vaguely ashamed of the day-to-day details of parenting, and just want to gloss over it with, "Yeah! I love being a dad!"  I think that as involved fatherhood and stay-at-home dads and paternity leaves and other such advances become more mainstream, men will argue over these things increasingly.

post #239 of 242
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamashtu View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by geekgolightly View Post

I am considering a post-nup. My husband offered it up. I might take him up on it. He said he understood I am hobbling my career, ability to earn and ability to have my own retirement set up and wants to assure me that he would never leave me out in the cold. But it has happened so often to so many good people who loved each other deeply, you know?

 

A post-nup is an excellent idea.  I'm all for being proactive.  My DH and I signed a pre-nup before I agreed to marry him that stipulates if I would decide to stay home with any children we would have, DH would put an amount equal to my yearly salary plus a (certain percentage every year to account for raises and bonuses lost) into an interest-bearing account that is in my name only.  Since DH is the only one working, his salary is considered to be both of ours.  In other words, if I want to go to Starbucks, I don't need to ask if he has a spare fiver I could use! lol

 

It doesn't account for the experience I'm losing by being a SAHM, but I feel secure knowing that, if our marriage were to end, I would at least be no worse off financially than if we hadn't married in the first place.


This is a good way to handle it, I think. (Of course, the family has to be able to afford it - if dh were putting even my old salary, which wasn't large, in the bank every year, we wouldn't be able to pay our rent or support the family.)

 

I don't see any problem with pre-nups, post-nups, etc. They're not, for various reasons, a choice that I've made for myself, but there are lots of choices I haven't made that are perfectly good choices!

post #240 of 242

 

Quote:
A woman wants to be at home with her baby is not going to thrive in a high-powered career.

 

 

Quote:
I also know several WOHparents who would do anything to stay home but cannot.

 

This is me. I do my job well, but I spend a considerable amount of time here at work wishing I was able to work from home. WAHMing is the only way I would be able to stay at home, which is fine with me but not at all easy to do...

 

 

Quote:
This is the whole mommy wars thing again - it has me wondering why women are so competitive, and men aren't as much.  Maybe its b/c women who do want a career (or job) are going against the grain and women who SAH are doing what women are expected to do?

 

I think a lot of the mommy wars thing is society/media created...it seems like women are almost taught to be catty and competitive with each other, for attention, partners, who is more attractive, etc etc.

 

 

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