Mourning the failures of my family

[AttunedMama]

DP and I moved in together because of an unplanned pregnancy. Before that, our first baby lived full-time with me, and he hung out with her/us most days. I thought I was in the safe, but a random post-baby coupling set us up with a second baby, and we then tried to do the nuclear thing, mostly because my system that worked for one kid really collapsed under the pressure of the second. My housing no longer was suitable, money was no longer adequate, etc. Ugh.

We have tried for a long, long time, various arrangements...'Open', 'closed', etc. It's been miserable all along. I could laundry list why it's all his fault, and I do mostly believe that it is. But what matters is, three counselors and many tired, fight-filled moons later, we've got to hang this mess up. I wish we'd never gotten the 'relationship' part of our situation stuck in all of this.

I am just hurting today because we're all here in the house, which is not common. I snapped at him last night, because I have long-ago burnt out on not really being happy, and it's starting to manifest in me being a jerk to him over mere philosophical matters. I know he's over my crap, I'm over his crap. This parenting thing has not yet been easy, we've already been burnt-out and tired. I know that my own place is going to make the whole world seem a whole lot better, and I'm working on that. But in the meantime, I'm lonely lonely lonely, and feel eggshell-ish and inauthentic trying to keep the peace...and then we manage a few days of functional, in which everyone does good work on the chores, kids are got to bed on time, he and I behave like respectful roommates, and I get lulled into that 'it's not so bad here, I'd be crazy to screw my kids out of this just because I want to have a relationship that fulfills me'. So there's a cycle going on that's somewhat less toxic than the systems I was raised in, and it's giving me a mind-boggle.

I'm already seeing a counselor. I can't imagine how much I'd be sucking right now if not. I'm scared to talk, really talk, to DP about anything, I'm so afraid of the crap and manipulation. He has made a lot of bad, bad choices over the years. Me, not so much. I've towed the line and taken care of the babies and made friends that fit in to that mission. I put myself on hold just long enough for the kids to be able to have some voice to speak up for themselves in an out-of-home situation. I've tabled my homeschooling fantasies. Now I'm back in college, working on me, doing alright, and just in the awkward in-between place with housing and personal adult needs. Nobody's nursing and my body isn't in martyr mode anymore, so while the kids are a great co-sleep, I needed a loving boyfriend like five YEARS ago, and didn't even let myself consider it for at least three years. Now it's biting at me constantly. I don't feel safe to have sex with anyone for fear of another PG. I am just kind of a disaster, even though all the bills are paid and my kids are alright. This is new terrain.

[crazyms]

I'm not sure what you're really wanting here so I don't really know how to respond. Are you wanting to end the relationship overall? Did you ever have a good relationship or did you just fall into this? Relationships go through good and bad and sometimes those times can last a while. A break may really help. I know my relationship with DH has definitely had it's good and bad times. We even split up for a while and I thought we were heading for divorce but we've managed to work through it. The separation was a big help though because it gave me a chance to step back from everything and get a really good look at our relationship. For us, overall things are good. We get along well and share major views/hopes/values/dreams. Life has been hard on us at times though. The stress of having kids and bills has taken it's toll especially when we have been on different pages in life. At times the one thing most important to me might not have been priority to him and it's been tough. There have been periods of time in our relationship that we barely spoke because if we did it was a fight or just 'dealing' with each other. Really talking and reconnecting made us realize that things are overall good and we just needed to get back on the same page. I think a good look at the base of the relationship is the only way to decide what to do here. Do you get along (overall)? Do you share the same values/hopes/goals? Can you fix fundamental issues in the life or the relationship that might help? Even getting started working towards things can help. Maybe have a long talk and re-prioritize things - if you want to work things out. My relationship with DH has definitely been through it's ups and downs. To me your post sounds a lot like I was before we separated. With some time to talk and reconnect we've managed to work things out but that may not be what's best for you. Only you can decide. Whatever you think though remember to take care of yourself and your kids.

[AttunedMama]

Thanks crazyms. What I want is to break the cycle that I'm in. Being frustrated the majority of the time, withdrawing emotionally for Partner to temporarily become 'superhusband', with no real lasting change/progress. Then I get all 'confused', just long enough to stay. It's the abuse cycle, but it's SLIGHTLY off from the mega-drama that I've been conditioned to do all of my life, so it keeps working. I want my own place and need to establish myself further to dig out from  the pseudo-comfort of this house.