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Do you think I'm overreacting? - Page 2

post #21 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie View Post

None of what you said raises any red flags for me. I'm sorry. You probably want validation but I just don't see anything here that is worrisome to me.



I agree.  Without more I wouldn't call cps.  An accusation of child molestation can really devastate a person's life and I'd be really careful about making such an accusation.  I do think it's appropriate to tell the girl's mother and to keep an eye out if you're worried and certainly to call cps if you have a real reason to believe she is being molested.

 

There is a little girl at my son's school who I hardly have any relationship with at all, but whenever she sees me she'll run over and throw her arms around me.  And if I'm standing still, like talking to someone, she'll lean her head on my side and just stay there.  It really kinda bothers me and definitely tramples all over my boundaries but I feel powerless to get out of it.  I don't want to hurt her feelings bc I suspect she's not getting a lot of motherly affection at home.  So unless you saw him being physically aggressive or manipulative with her, I'd say you don't really know how that came to pass, kwim?

post #22 of 127

all i know is that if there was anything suspicious about taht guy my dd would be miles away from him. not letting him tickle her least of all sitting on his lap. she's always had a thing about people even as a baby. 

 

neither for me would any of what you have described be cause for concern. 

 

instead i would really appreciate the trust between both of them. 

post #23 of 127

If I had witnessed it I may have felt funny about it, but as a rule I don't find that interaction inherently inappropriate.  

When I was working with children at the YMCA in high school I was completely shocked when someone let me know having a child straddle my lap could be considered inappropriate, it's a very natural way to interact with a kid who wants to sit with you.  I had a very safe childhood in a physically affectionate family and made friends with adults easily, so I had many similar interactions that truly were innocent.

This is not to say this situation doesn't warrant attention, just that it isn't definitely wrong.

post #24 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

 

instead i would really appreciate the trust between both of them. 



The little girl has lived there for one week, what healthy bond could they have?

 

From my readings, pedophiles target children in single families, especially one where mothers are also needy and likely to burry their heads in the sand.

This man should not have his hands inside that girls shirt, nor have her on his lap. He does not know her, she does not know him. It is inappropriate.

post #25 of 127

I'm trying to figure out the connection between this incident and the creepy older couple that you said you had bad vibes about. The couple that you talked to the mother about.  What was their role in this?

 

The incident doesn't immediately raise any alarms for me, but I would have to be in that situation and know the dynamics better.  I tend to say go with your instincts, talk to the mother, but there is no evidence of molestation, if that is the only thing you're seeing.  I don't know much about this subject, so I don't know if I'm using the correct term, but did it seem like the single guy was "grooming" (is that the right term??) the little girl?

post #26 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnySlippers View Post


The little girl has lived there for one week, what healthy bond could they have?


Could they have already known each other before they moved here??

post #27 of 127

I'm really confused (but I think that's my general state this morning) 

 

My DD is overly friendly and is always jumping on our male friends - I don't ever think anything of it honestly. Are you positive the mom doesn't know this man? Was the little girl outside with no shoes on for a long time? Is this man completely different from the weird husband of the woman you're talking about? Because I don't see how any of it really warrants a CPS call - I think that these kind of assumptions can really mess up peoples lives! I think that you need more information, or at least to talk to the mother more. 

post #28 of 127
I guess I'm curious as to what exactly the communal living situation is? Is it a group of like-minded individuals sharing a home or is it more of an institutional type thing where people from all backgrounds can just sort of end up? If the former, I might not be as concerned, but if the latter and you don't get to "approve" who joins I'd definitely call asap.
post #29 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by pjs View Post

I guess I'm curious as to what exactly the communal living situation is? Is it a group of like-minded individuals sharing a home or is it more of an institutional type thing where people from all backgrounds can just sort of end up? If the former, I might not be as concerned, but if the latter and you don't get to "approve" who joins I'd definitely call asap.


It seems to be a homeless shelter.  Having families under the same roof as single men sounds like a terrible arrangement, but I guess that's what you find in some areas of the country.  I can only hope that the people working there are aware of what a risky environment this can potentially be for children, and can take steps to curb this man's behavior, talk to the mother, and alert the authorities. 

post #30 of 127
You don't call CPS with an "accusation" like some people are saying here, you call them if you suspect there may be something serious wrong.

Also, this isn't the couple, right? The woman was with the baby and then another man had the older girl. Chances are low that this mom knew both the couple AND the single neighbor guy before moving in, right? And even if they knew him, that is very inappropriate, both the position they were in and the hands under her shirt.

Who knows if this man is molesting the girl. But it sure sounds like he is grooming her! Tickling is a common part of grooming a child for abuse, pushing them further and further with their boundaries. Doing it in the common area is also not a surprise, because part of what molesters do is gain the confidence of the parent.

I'd call CPS about it.

You can also check the sex offender website just to see if any of these people have criminal convictions already. If you can, search by name because a lot of offenders don't keep up with reporting their current addresses. If they're not on there it means nothing (only a small percentage of offenders are listed), but if they are it would help you make the call. Here's the site for your state:
http://www.sex-offender.vsp.virginia.gov/sor/
post #31 of 127
Thread Starter 

No, it's not a bunch of friends who all went in together on a great house...I wish lol!

 

Its not an institution but its supposed to be targeted to low income families so while there are families who are just struggling there are also some people here who aren't exactly the cream of the crop. They do have requirements like any apartment building would...income, background checks etc. but I don't think they are that thorough given some of the characters that live here. Plus the downside is that we (the families) share one big kitchen area with the guys downstairs so there is a certain amount of interaction that is unavoidable.

 

But no, we don't get to pick our neighbors, and no one knows anyone else. It's not like we are all together all day every day but like I said at night the downstairs is usually busy and people mingle. 

 

post #32 of 127

*


Edited by Cascadian - 6/2/11 at 7:45pm
post #33 of 127

I also encourage you to call CPS and also tell whoever is running the house about your concerns. From what you posted it doesn't sound that like situation alone would get CPS to remove the kids. But it would probably mean a visit and them expressing their concerns to the mom. Hopefully that will be the wake-up call she needs since, as you said, she seems kind of innocently clueless. And if anything bad ever did happen to that family, then at least you'll know that you did everything you could.

 

I know it sounds like you have a lot on your plate as it is, but maybe you could try to befriend the mom? Then you two would be hanging out supervising the kids together, you can develop more of a relationship so she takes your concerns more seriously, and through positive peer pressure she might start behaving a little more protectively, as she sees you do.

 

Please let us know how things go and what you decide to do!

post #34 of 127

I would watch closer, but what you said does not bother me.

 

I remember straddling my grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles to play horse riding games that ended in tickling. I have video of this! It was and is never sexual. You see straddling as sexually but if they were just sitting on a lap it could be sexual also. Also, if he was just tickling her could the loose fitting t-shirt wiggled up with a wiggling child? I can easily see this happening.

 

Also, how do you know that she doesn't have a prior history with these people?

 

Also we don't know this man's history. Is he from a different culture? Does he have kids of his own?

 

If this is the only time seeing the younger child in bare feet/not appropriately dress just watch. What if this child has sensory integration issues? Did the child seem uncomfortable? Miserable and being ignored? Are they a Houdini that manage to strip the clothes off? If the child was happy then I would have worried about the lack of socks and care.

 

I don't doubt the people are off...I would trust my gut on that, but being off does not mean a sexual predator.

 

Also, what type of offensive thing did the lady say to you?  

post #35 of 127

You said the DD is overly friendly? This would worry me in that she could have already be targeted or would be easily targeted.

 

Has this guy always thrown you off (gut wise)?

 

I would keep a close watch and consider reporting once you have more evidence. I don't think calling yet without more will do any good, but those are BIG red flags for me.  Keep a record of what you see....

 

I hope this is all just a misunderstanding

 

SIL still sits on FIL's lap sometimes (she's now 17, but I've known her since 13) I've always thought that was off, he would rub her under her shirt to give her chills on her back. There is nothing going on there, but I've already made clear to Dh that's not going to happen if we have DDs.

post #36 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post

No, it's not a bunch of friends who all went in together on a great house...I wish lol!

 

Its not an institution but its supposed to be targeted to low income families so while there are families who are just struggling there are also some people here who aren't exactly the cream of the crop. They do have requirements like any apartment building would...income, background checks etc. but I don't think they are that thorough given some of the characters that live here. Plus the downside is that we (the families) share one big kitchen area with the guys downstairs so there is a certain amount of interaction that is unavoidable.

 

But no, we don't get to pick our neighbors, and no one knows anyone else. It's not like we are all together all day every day but like I said at night the downstairs is usually busy and people mingle. 

 

 

This has me worried...You seem to have the face of a molester as a guy or creepy person.  

 

Molesters fit in.  They are often married. 

 

http://www.corr.state.mn.us/level3/pdf/characteristics%20and%20behavioral%20indicators%20of%20adults%20who%20molest%20children.pdf
 

post #37 of 127
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
 Also, if he was just tickling her could the loose fitting t-shirt wiggled up with a wiggling child? I can easily see this happening.

 

Also, how do you know that she doesn't have a prior history with these people?

 

Also we don't know this man's history. Is he from a different culture? Does he have kids of his own?

 

If this is the only time seeing the younger child in bare feet/not appropriately dress just watch. What if this child has sensory integration issues? Did the child seem uncomfortable? Miserable and being ignored? Are they a Houdini that manage to strip the clothes off? If the child was happy then I would have worried about the lack of socks and care.

 

Also, what type of offensive thing did the lady say to you?  


To answer your questions: he made a comment, I don't remember the exact words now, but it was something along the lines of "I'm going to tickle you under your shirt." I remember the comment because when I heard "under your shirt" that was when I freaked out and went back in because I couldn't handle it.

 

I am 99% sure that there is no prior history. When she was moving in her friend an older lady introduced herself to me and told me to be friendly to her because she was nervous about moving into a new place with her girls.

 

The man is not from a different culture and I don't really interact with him except to say hello in passing so I have no idea if he has children. But if he does they don't live with him.

 

I have not spent enough time hanging around these people to know them really, really well so I have no idea how she dresses the baby on a regular basis. But I do know that the wife of the older couple had the baby outside on the porch while she and the husband were smoking, and the mom was in the house not even with the baby. The baby was crying and people were telling her to bring her in and go find the mother but she  kept insisting "oh she's ok."

 

The comment she made to me: "you and your boyfriend make such pretty babies. I  wish I could put J's (her husband) sperm inside you so you could have him a baby for me to take care of." Um, creepy!!!!

post #38 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by dakotablue View Post

 

SIL still sits on FIL's lap sometimes (she's now 17, but I've known her since 13) I've always thought that was off, he would rub her under her shirt to give her chills on her back. There is nothing going on there, but I've already made clear to Dh that's not going to happen if we have DDs.



My boys are pretty young still, but I am very physical with them.  Not rough-housing type physical, but rubbing their backs and cuddling and patting their bottoms.  lol  I doubt I'll be bottom-patting them when they're 14, but I do hope to still have some of that physical closeness (though I know for some people backing off from that is a healthy part of growing up) and I'd really hate to feel like I had to curtail that because someone might think I was molesting them.  Yuck.  Well, I guess I'm lucking I'm a woman so people are not nearly as likely to worry about me that way.  But I feel bad for fathers (and their children) who feel like they have to monitor their innocent and loving affectionate behavior bc someone might get freaked out if they saw it.  I see rubbing one's child's back as nothing but sweet whether it is over or under the shirt.  Of course, if it's part of a whole pathological way of relating to the child then it's bad, but I can't see why that behavior in itself could be seen as a bad thing.  

post #39 of 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post


To answer your questions: he made a comment, I don't remember the exact words now, but it was something along the lines of "I'm going to tickle you under your shirt." I remember the comment because when I heard "under your shirt" that was when I freaked out and went back in because I couldn't handle it.



I think you should stay if something like that happens again.  If he feels that there's someone watching and keeping track of him, he's less likely to cross the line and if he does, then you won't have such a hard time figuring out whether to call cps.  Did you leave her alone with him?  If you're feeling worried for her safety I just don't see leaving at the first sign of danger to be the best move.

post #40 of 127



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnySlippers View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

 

instead i would really appreciate the trust between both of them. 



The little girl has lived there for one week, what healthy bond could they have?

 

From my readings, pedophiles target children in single families, especially one where mothers are also needy and likely to burry their heads in the sand.

This man should not have his hands inside that girls shirt, nor have her on his lap. He does not know her, she does not know him. It is inappropriate.


yeahthat.gif

 

A bond so close in a week that he feels the need to tickle her under her shirt while she straddles him. Absolutely not.

It's unacceptable and I can't see how any parent would be okay with a stranger being that close to your child.

OP, I hope your able to get the mother to take this seriously.

Maybe no molestation has occured yet, but I feel he may be seeing how far he can get with her and because the mother is kinda out of it, he probably feels she's a good candidate.
 

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