how do they do that?

[mommatooth]

Lately I have been focused on all of my old friends and peers seem to have kids, careers, time for classes etc... while I seem to be just wondering where the day went and why can't I get it together.  It begs the question "how do they do that?".  I remember when dd was tiny, I would think- soon enough she will be older and want to be away from me- so savor every moment.  Now she is almost 4, doesn't usually nap, still cosleeping- I have zero time and zero space - it's a good day if I can take a shower with her holding the curtain open watching to make sure I don't somehow disappear.  

For the sake of our relationship and my sanity, I need to be ME again.  I really miss me, I miss my career, I miss completing things- even a sentence!  I am totally stuck right now and spend large parts of the day just feeling like a chunk of meat my daughter needs in proximity- not feeling present at all.  I can't afford childcare- I don't know where to start, but I have noticed that I am feeling more and more neglected and this is turning me bitter.  I live in a world of envy, it seems that everyone else LOVES spending every minute with their kids and they still have time to get a run in, or manage their website, or have a dinner date sans children. Lots of my single momma friends are DATING again! How do they do that?  (let it be known that my dd is sitting in my lap as I type this and it has taken 45 minutes of pecking)  

dear mommas, I would love to hear how you accomplish goals/get some space etc.  !

[rubelin]

I got through the years with little kids with the help of pre-school and child care, even if it was just a couple of hours a week going to the park with Auntie.  Humans are community beings and, especially when you're on your own, you've got to find some help to make a community for your family to thrive in.

I spent a lot of time feeling horrid for wanting to be away from my kids but we all thrived when momma got a few hours to work or just think in peace and the kids got to have some time with other people. Our schools have all been parent participation so I spent at least one day a week in class and was welcome to stay as long as my kids needed to get comfortable. We also did a monthly LaLeche meeting where I could have some adult conversation and they could have playtime. Now we have a weekly homeschool park day to meet those needs.

Get yourself some community. Swap babysitting with some of those single mom friends, find a playgroup for some adult interaction, see if there's an inexpensive pre-school she could be at a few hours a week. When you start getting your own cup filled up, you'll be able to be more present to your DD when you're with her and she won't feel like you're trying to get away from her (why do kids always sense that? ;-) )

[zebra15]

I'd start with an activity you can do together yet that has other adults around... The library is great for this... story time!!! lots of other kids that come before and after, usually the kids area has some toys, puzzles etc and the kids gather and play and the parents whisper etc.  After a few weeks you get to know people and can set up a coffee date/play date somewhere else... Get a $1 soda at mc'ds and use the playland with a friend your DD knows from storytime, and get to know the mom a bit better.

Once the weather breaks get to the park, tons of kids for DD to play with and mommies for you to meet.

Right now is there a "Y" near you?  they have really affordable rates and you can take a class and DD can do the kids room.   IDK if you are going to homeschool or not but you can always join a local homeschool group and 'try it out'.

Try the highschool and see if they have anyone who needs community service hours to graduate and if those kids can be a 'mothers helper', same with church groups... many kids need service hours and love to help moms... they can play with DD and you can run out for a bit ALONE...

IDK if you had a career before your child but make those connections, will you be returning to work after she starts school?  reach out to professional groups etc... even via email and start networking etc...

You can do this...

Just some random thoughts...

[josybear]

childcare is key. as well, 4/5 is sort of a transition age for most kids where they become dramatically more independent and it's possible to read, take a bath, etc. with the kid around without too much interruption. the really young years are super hard, though. i wouldn't have made it without my kids' daycare.

[meemee]

for me the space appeared when i realised my time did not mean without dd. it just meant not being a parent. so when 5 pm came and i was just exhausted i became an observer. i would just sit and enjoy my dd. just sit and be. i was so busy taking care of her i never got to just observe her and enjoy her. so that became me time.

then i'd go out with dd doing things i wanted to do. in fact dd is pretty used to going all teh places i liked going. she was most of the time the only baby in there. like going to see my favourite bands not at adult places but smaller places. dd had a blast interacting with the others and then she'd either fall asleep or zone out. if it got too loud we left or stepped out for that band. 

however the key was to always make space for me right from the beginning. netflix saved me the first year. after dd went to bed i'd put on netflix and watch movies reading subtitles with no sound on and dd sleeping on my chest. 

we also went out every. single. day. yes every. single day. going whereever money allowed us to go or even for a walk. 

i joined all kinds of playdates, LLL, mothers networks and whatever was around. i went out and met people and became friends and so our kids would be playing together and we'd have an adult conversation. 

[doubledutch]

i was also going to suggest trading babysitting with another family.  even if it's just a couple of hours a week, it will be great - both when you get to leave dd for a couple hours, and also when you get to have the other child(ren) over to play with her. 

i'm wondering about some of the other things.  do you get back out of bed once she's sleeping, or get up earlier than her in the morning?  if she doesn't nap, there is no way you need to spend as much time in bed as she does.  my ds2 is also almost four, and in the morning, he will usually wake up when i get out of bed no matter what time it is, unless i manage to get up at like 5am (he wakes between 6-7).  so even though i would prefer to have "my time" in the morning, i've been getting back out of bed for that in the evening instead.  if you truly can't get out of bed because she will wake up, try turning a lamp on once she's been asleep for a bit (or in the morning) so you can read, write or whatever else you may find relaxing and satisfying.  for your shower, would she be willing to come in with you?  that might be less annoying than having the shower curtain open.  if she won't, would she be happy to be allowed to splash in water in the sink, write on the tub (or mirror?) with bath crayons, or do some other bathroom activity that she's only allowed to do during your shower?  if you keep in voice-contact with her, then would she be less needy to actually see you?  could you get a clear shower curtain so she can see you?  (my boys used to do the same thing and it drove me up the wall, but they've grown out of it.)  for a run, would she be willing to ride in the stroller?  my ds still likes to.

i woh so i can't completely relate to what it would be like to live that, 24-7, but i reach that point pretty quickly on the weekends to be honest.  things that make me feel like i've gotten a little break are getting together with other kids, going for a walk (with my kids), going to the park (playground or just a nature kind of park), or really going out anywhere!  sometimes just a drive in the car can give me a little physical space that i need, not that we're driving nowhere for the sake of driving, but if we drive somewhere to get out, i already feel better by the time we get there.

it sounds like you really need a break - i hope you get one soon!

[rubelin]

ooh, I forgot about family bath time :-) Nearly every shower/bath for the first 5 or so years of my parenting life were with my kids. My oldest had the freakish ability to know the moment that I turned on the tap, even waking from a dead sleep (but never when it was his dad, only for momma!), so he would play in a blow-up baby tub at one end of the bathtub while I showered at the other end, or he'd shower with me when he was bigger. Then, after the little one was born, the 3 of us would take a bath together (for the first year or so while we all (sort of) fit in there. Now they're old enough that I can shower while they're playing or watching a movie, but I usually only shower when they're at their dad's (like I'm supposed to be doing right now!)