newly seperated and I need advice

[Martha27]

My husband and i have been seperated for only a week now and it was almost 100% my call. Long story short he has problems with drinking and keeping a job and I couldn't live with him anymore. I had fallen out of love with him and am not attracted to him which i believe has to do with his inability to keep a job and support his family like a man.

anyway we have 2 kids together a 4 yo girl and almost 3 yo boy. He left the house thursday and they havent asked about him at all since. They have talked to him on the phone 2 times but dont ask me where he is or if he is coming back. I havent talked to them about it really yet b/c I havent known what to say and things are still a bit crazy. I have noticed their behavior has gone a bit sore though and Im afraid it has to do with all that has been going on. they have been hitting a LOT more and saying naughty words like "stupid" "shut up" and spitting at me and each other. Unfortunatly they had to be exposed to a lot of our arguing over the past few months and I feel guilty now that I have ruined them for life :( I am half thinking I need to bring the youngest one at least to a dr. b/c I dont know how to best handle his outburst and general behavior now. He has bad meltdowns and seems very angry.

The kids will see there father next thursday and will stay with him for a few days. He is living at his parents 2 hours away from us and will be looking for a job in that town as well. He keeps asking to come back or better yet for us to move there (this was another problem with us, we moved to our current town about 9 months ago away from our home town and he has hated it and wanted to go back but there are few to no jobs in that area and I had found a great job for myself here). But I am ready to be done with our relationship for good.

I guess im just trying to get some advice and support from others who have gone through or are going through this!

thank you

[doubledutch]

you haven't ruined your kids for life!  what they're doing is normal.  the key is going to be to make their daily life as predictable and stable as possible.  routines, routines, routines.  limits and consequences - which they know about in advance and which you are consistent about enforcing.  this will make them feel safe.

try really hard not to talk bad about your ex in front of them.  in fact, i would think about what they may be thinking and feeling, and try to express that yourself if at all possible.  it may be a stretch to say you miss him, but if any part of you misses any part of him, then it's really not lying and i would say it.  it helps them recognize and express what they're feeling.

my kids are 5 and almost 4.  we split up six months ago.  it's still hard for them to figure out how to tell me what's going on with them, but they are good at talking about it indirectly - like crying about a friend they miss or our dog (who ran away right after we left the house).  the younger one also rages at me at times - hitting, kicking, you're stupid, i hate you.  i respond by saying things like, i see how upset you are, you are sad, you are mad.  it's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to hurt people or hurt their feelings.  he says, 'i won't be your baby anymore' and i say 'i'm always your mama and i always love you' and repeat that it's okay for him to be mad at me.  my older son experienced a lot of guilt, believing that he did or said something (or failed to do/say something) to cause this.  he couldn't put this into words himself, but when i asked him this, he burst into tears and cried for a good, oh, i don't know, 45 minutes - and then off and on for the rest of the evening.

you do need to talk to them about it.  they need some basic info.  you don't have to tell them your marriage is ending or your family is changing if you don't want to.  you can tell them that daddy is going to live near grandma and grandpa now, because he's going to get a job there, but he will be visiting us here and we will visit him there.  it helps my kids a lot to call their dad every night (even if he doesn't answer and we leave a message), draw pictures for him, etc when they miss him.  there are also a ton of age-appropriate books about kids going through their parents' divorce which will also help your kids feel less alienated, less afraid, be able to talk about their feelings by talking about the characters in the book, etc.  check the library, and read it to yourself before reading to them.  you can change some of the words as you read it out loud, if it doesn't quite fit your family or what you want to tell your kids.

hope that helps!

[josybear]

i left my x when my kids were almost 2 and 3. the 3 year old especially had rages and regressed on his pottying and everything sucked. i took him to see a play therapist a few thimes, and that was good, but mostly time and the regular routines of our new life have settled him. it's been 2 years, and while things were really bad at first they didn't stay there. but don't expect your kids to get everything out and be fine - as my kids reach new levels of maturity they have new questions about our family situation. i've been as frank and age-appropriate as possible and never, ever badmouthed their dad in their hearing.

best of luck to you and your babies.

[Martha27]

Thanks for the replys. Im trying to stay true to my gut feelings but I can't help but feel that I am making a mistake in terms of my childrens lives :/ I had a talk with them tonight and my oldest admitted she was sad and missed daddy. It breaks my heart but I know that me not living with their father is best for them in the long run. I have already felt like my parenting has improved without the stress of daily life with my husband. I am yelling and lossing my temper less than before and that has to be better for them, right? Also they no longer have to be exposed to the arguing and fighting that had unfortunatly been a daily part of their lives :(

I am really glad I came on this message board, I have a feeling i'll be frequenting it a lot in the future!