Homeschooling kids who are perfectionists and fear failure

[MittensKittens]

My daughter is a perfectionist. She is bright, but scared of failure. When she thinks she might not be able to do a particular thing, she does not even attempt - unless nobody is looking and she really wants to learn. This goes for everything, from putting on clothes, to writing letters, to basic math. Very gently worded criticism results in her retreating into her shell, and ceasing to try, even when the criticism is actually covered up as praise.

This is one of the reasons why I am convinced that the authoritarian state school system in our post-communist country of residence is a bad fit for her, but I am also struggling with this herself. Sometimes, correction and even criticism is necessary, but with DD it is almost always counterproductive.

Moms who are homeschooling sensitive, perfectionist kids who have a fear of failure - how do you deal? What are the methods you use to correct something? How do you word criticism? I'd love to get some inspiration here!

[pigpokey]

 Dweck's researched summarized in the popular book Mindset.

[kittywitty]

Wish I could help. I myself am ridiculously perfectionistic and have struggled all my life with it. I now have a couple perfectionist myself and it's like walking on eggshells!

[bobandjess99]

This is mny 6 yo dd to a T.  I just have to leave her be.  She does a LOT of her work alone, and the work we do together os mostly me modeling or explaining, ant NOT her trying to do it herself. 

[Fillyjonk]

oh goodness all three of mine are perfectionists in their own ways.

I'm far more willing to bodge things and so, tbh, is dp. I'm totally happy to have a go and fail, I've had long enough to get used to it ;-)  so actually we really struggle with this.

Its a big problem with homeschooling for me because they hate to be properly challenged. They like to coast slightly ahead of the curve, but when things are properly hard-and everything is, from time to time-then, especially with ds who is 7, he will just stop trying.  

Watching thread with interest.

[Cyllya]

Originally Posted by pigpokey 

 Dweck's researched summarized in the popular book Mindset.

That's what I thought of when I read this topic.

I don't know if it helps, but here's an article about it. http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

[konamama]

this very well might describe us too

[Mittsy]

DD(6 in Mar) is like this. We follow her interests, which have lead us away from unit studies and into OM now, and let her do things at her own pace with little pressure from us, sort of unschooling.

[Lakeeffectsnow]

This has been an on going issue with my oldest daughter, now 12 years old.  She doesn't give up instead, she keeps trying and trying until she's a frustrated, heap of tears.  We rarely criticize or even correct her because there is no need, she is way too hard on herself.  When she was younger, this sometimes resulted in several melted downs a day as she tried to master new skills.  The piano incident of 2004 when she tried to learn Chopin or the pre algebra incident of 2008 come to mind, I shudder to remember.

Basically, over the years we've tried a multiple pronged approach.

1.  Establish realistic expectations with oldest daughter.  We discuss before she starts a new skill or project about what she can reasonably expect for herself. It is reasonable to expect that she will learn to ice skate forward and to keep her balance after 6 weeks  of classes, it is not reasonable to expect she will learn to skate like her cousin who has been playing ice hockey since she was three.

2.  Therapy, yay sounds drastic for a small kid, but has really helped her learn to relax and control her self criticism.  It helped DH and I figure out how to parent her differently from her brothers.

3.  Teaching her to listen to her body and her emotions.  If she's on the verge of tears, her fingers are starting to hurt from holding a pencil, or her stomach is grumbling, then she needs to take a break.  While we helped her to remember to eat, sleep, and play when she was little, we've slowly been turning the responsibility over to her.

4. Stress management teaching her to have hobbies, learn to relax, play with friends and just chill.  She loves to read and draw when she's stressed so we encourage that.

5.  Exercise, a balanced diet and enough sleep.  It sounds basic, but for her tiredness, hunger and lack of exercise are all triggers.