more friend drama, please give advice :/

[mommariffic]

I posted about my situation with a friend awhile ago here http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1280143/friendships

Anyway I'm having issues with this friend again. We had a long talk and both agreed to work on the friendship/made up and things were okay (not perfect, but okay) and the past two days have been really a struggle for us. I need some insight please? 

This weekend we made plans to get dinner and/or a drink for her birthday (which was last week)..my daughter got sick and I couldn't make it (I let her know with plenty of time) but she must have been harboring resentment because she sent me an email about how she turned down a job because we had plans and I canceled but that she also hopes Paige feels better. On Weds we made plans to have a drink but the weather called for a foot of snow + hail so I said lets see how the weather plays out, and by late afternoon it hadn't stopped and had plans for getting worse so I said lets see what the rest of the week looks like, I am not going out and driving and risking my life to get one glass of wine. 

My friends response was basically she'd drive and that people in other places where it snows don't stop their lives. We live outside Manhattan, the roads are narrow and my road wasn't covered - why make the risk! And I told her that -- and than we hung up after making tentative plans for breakfast and 30 minutes later her HUSBAND calls me to tell me that he's going to have to go home to a dissapointed wife who will take it out on him, and why can't I go the roads seem fine. I was so dumstruck that he was even calling me that I just fumbled for words...'and after we hung up I fired an email to her. A very long email that basically stated that I couldn't believe he called, and that I wasn't a third party in their relationship he shouldn't be doing that

And she wrote me back to say that he called on his own accord and because we are friendly he had an opinion on what was happening and he wanted to share it. And than she went on to say that my husband wouldn't do that because he doesn't get involved in my friendships but he also doesn't make her feel welcome. What topped that off was her saying that my HUSBAND said to her TWO year old "what the "f" are you doing here when he came over.

HE WOULD NEVER SAY THAT, that's crazy! And what he said was what are you doing here in a playful manner when he came down because he didn't know they were stopping by..there's a big difference. And when I told her that (she was there, she knows this never happened ) she said the f word is irrevelant he makes us feel unwelcome. 

I just..I feel like I'm in the twighlight zone. I don't want to continue this friendship but how do I do that? She wants to talk on the phone about it and I'm just not interested in playing the "I feel this way this is what really happened game" because I have a 3 year old, a baby, and a life..no time for this high school drama! 

Am I wrong in this situation? Is there something I can say? I just..I'm in shock I think. Hurt, in shock. Etc. 

[tinuviel_k]

Yikes! I agree: it sounds like time to let this friendship go. Too much drama. How enriching can a friendship be for you if you constantly have to worry about your friend's huge reactions when your daughter gets sick, unsafe weather will strike, if your husband as to stay late at his job, or...

It sounds like your friend is hyper-sensitive about you canceling, and she probably isn't going to change her reactions. I read your other thread before and I know some folks hinted that you might be canceling on her too often. Whether or not that is so, there are some friends who are understanding when important stuff comes up and some who are not. You need someone who is, and I don't think this woman will ever be that person. It seems that she needs to feel that she is a main priority in your life, and she just isn't. It might be best if you parted ways. You can find other friends who don't try to guilt trip you into ditching your sick child and driving through a foot of snow and hail. And she can find other friends who will make her feel like she comes first. Yo just sound incompatible.

[DariusMom]

I'm sorry this is happening. i do remember your thread about this from before.

At the time, I "sided" (not really, but I tried to add some perspective) with the friend. I'm also pretty strict about meeting commitments and I don't tend to cancel easily.So, from your last thread, I did get why your friend would be annoyed with you.

My take on this situation is that, as you say, there were lingering resentments. I can't really judge the two situations that brought up the current drama. How sick was your daughter? If I had made birthday plans with a friend and my DS were sick, I would have left him with his father at home, barring super emergencies. However, maybe your DH wasn't able to look after your DD?

With the weather, I wouldn't take risks either. In fact, I canceled on a commitment to volunteer at DS' school (something I take *very* seriously and *never* cancel on) back in December because the weather was just too bad and I didn't want to risk like and limb to get there. Apparently, other parents did make it, but I don't feel too badly about it. However, i don't know what the weather was like and etc. in your neck of the woods.

What it comes down to, I think, is that there may, unfortunately, be too much water under the bridge. Sounds like she doesn't have that trust that you are doing your best to honor your commitments (maybe justifiably? Maybe not?!) to meet up with her and that, no matter how legitimate your excuse for canceling now, she's going to hold it against you. There's really not much else you can do. From the outset, if I'm remembering your old thread correctly, it sounded like you two had very very different approaches to meeting up and that they just weren't going to mesh, unfortunate as that is.

As for the husband calling you . .. that's just out of line.

I'm not sure what to think about the report of your husband making them feel unwelcome. if I'm remembering who you are correctly, you have posted about how your DH works at home and it isn't a good situation for you all as a family. Maybe she picked up some of those vibes?

At any rate, I think that you all just need to take a break from one another. Maybe the friendship can pick back up when the kids are older and in school?

[mommariffic]

I think she may pick up on those vibes yes, but what I don't understand is why she would say the "f" word thing when we were all standing there? Her husband and mine have a relationship where they are snarky to each other, but like that about each other -- she's a very snarky person in general and so they can tease each other. 

Edited to also say: the reason she left that day was because her son was screaming and biting and it was overwhelming and she knew it. I don't understand the point in making up a story that didn't happen. Some of my other posts were about how she says I said something I DID NOT say and now that just sort of confirms that 

Also about my daughter being sick -- she wanted mommy and DH was with the babe. It was on the weekend and she was actually at my MILS and we had to go pick her up in New York because she was feverish/lethargic.

[sapphire_chan]

If seeing you was really that vital to her and she really believed the roads were fine, she would've suggested that she come to you.

It took two hours for dh and I working together to get our car moving this morning, and we only have a block before we're on a major, cleared, road. From what I understand, the east is getting it worse than us and if you aren't even in an area where they clear the roads, it would've been insane to go out.

[mommariffic]

Yeah it's been pretty bad! I would be fine driving if the roads were taken care of properly but they weren't and it was DURING a storm, not even post-storm. 

I ended up emailing her saying I needed time to cool off because I was extremely hurt and offended she excused my DH of cursing at her 2 year old. 

I'm really letting this upset me (hence the post, half of which I'm convinced doesn't make sense..) I agree that most of it is harbored resentment on both parts. I stink at friendships though and I don't know how to properly end one. I think the cursing accusation and the scolding and  INCREDIBLY awkward phone call from her husband  sort of was the icing on the cake. In my previous posts I didn't mention the other strange things that have sent warning symbols but this is it. I sent her an email saying that I wasn't prepared to talk yet (why play the "I think this is what happened/this is what happened, I'm right you're wrong game?) but I'm not sure how to end it. We run in the same circle, she's in my parent group and I will see her for sure. I want to be friendly, but who knows. I do think we need to talk I just...I can't. I HATE verbal confrontation. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Drama.Drama.Drama.

Your friend is a drama queen. Sorry, but its the truth. It sounds like she needs more attention. Her husband obviously knows it, and this is typical behavior for her because otherwise he wouldnt have called you to basically beg you to pay attention to her. In order for you all to maintain a friendship she needs to understand you priorities which may need to be clearly outlined for her. For me, I would write he and email that went something like this:

Friend,

I know you have been upset about me not keeping plans with you. You think I am making excuses, but I have a life and my job is non stop. I am a mother, I am a wife, and THEN I am a person who can pursue friendships and have a good time. My responsibilities lie with my family first. If they are sick or tired or need me for any reason, I cannot be reqiured to be somewhere else with you. I view our friendship as something I want to do, not something I have to do. I dont want meeting up with you to feel like an obligation, so it would be best if I could be free to make my own desicions without feeling guilty.

Momariffic

I would not address the issue that she seems to be having conversations differently in her head than how they actually happened. She said something that was untrue about your DH, but I would let it go. If you make a big deal about it, its just giving in to her drama and giving her more attention. I would keep her at arms legnth. I would invite her to your house, make no plans to go anywhere with her, and maybe make sure beforehand that you have nothing else to do. Ill bet your DH doesnt want her around so much though...I know mine wouldnt if someone told a bold face lie about him.