Need Help/Support/Advice - Cosleeping my almost 4yr old

[WeAreAllOne430]

Hi Mamas!!

So I am in dire need of some support/advice.  I am a big proponent of cosleeping...my husband used to be.

We coslept with our DS from the moment of birth up until about 3, when we slowly/gradually transitioned him into his own big boy bed in his bedroom.

I found out I was pregnant again in September and since then have been sleeping with my DS in his bed (without approval or support of my husband).  The reason I decided to start co sleeping with him again was because he was having a really rough time getting to sleep or even wanting to be in his room.  He started to become 'afraid" and our nightime routine became torturous. 

It was a huge battle with my husband, but I finally decided it would be best for our DS (Traftyn) if I started sleeping with him again.

Things have been soooo much smoother since then..but, of course, it is only because I go to sleep when he goes to sleep.  However, he used to completely freak out anytime I had study group at night before I started back co sleeping and now he is at ease when I leave to go study.  So, obviously the co sleeping is helping him in some way.

To make a long story short, the very fact that I am co sleeping still with my DS is causing major riffs between my husband and I.  He believes that I am "babying" him and not fostering his "independence".  He feels that DS will never be able to fall asleep on his own and that he is old enough to be sleeping in his own room in his own bed without assistance.  He feels it has made him more clingy to me/attached to me, causes him to have the meltdowns/tantrums when he does, etc etc etc

I strongly feel that it is normal and ok to cosleep still at this age and when baby arrives, I've told him he could bring his blow up mattress in our room and sleep on the floor should he choose.  I feel that they won't choose to sleep in our beds forever and that the childs emotional needs must always come first.  Time is so fleeting.  I just wish my husband would see it that way.

My attached parenting style is completely different than his and we are going through some major turbulance right now (no good with another little one on the way at the end of May).

Any support, inspiration, advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Much love and light to all of you amazing mamas

Namaste

Tricia

[D_McG]

We're cosleepers and I woke up this morning with both of mine in my bed (2 and 4 years old) but that being said I would listen to your husband here.  I wouldn't sleep with my 4 year old for months on end.  DS knows "mommies and daddies sleep together' and that's it.  If he's sick I sleep with him, if he's having a bad time I'll sit in his room while he falls asleep.  Him coming into our bed in the middle of the night on occasion (even 1x week) is totally fine.  But for our marriage sleeping together is a non-negotiable.  

I think there are many ways to tackle your DS' anxiety.  If it's truly debilitating then maybe a chat with someone might help.  4 months of you sleeping with him doesn't seem to have fixed it.  Your presence might actually be enabling/feeding his fears.  I'd move to plan B.

IMO a 4 year old sleeping independently, most of the time is a reasonable expectation if the alternative is affecting your marriage.  

[WeAreAllOne430]

Thank you for your advice...with that being said, do you have any further advice on how to gently transition from me sleeping with him all night to him eventually sleeping on his own?  I also don't want him to feel that the baby is somehow affecting our sleeping arrangements or taking away his mommy time.  We had discussed that when my belly got too big, it would be time for me to go back to sleeping in my bed with daddy ..and he seemed fine with that, but I'm sure when it came down to it, it would be rough.

I just don't think bed-time should be traumatizing ya know?  and I hate when he cries and cries and then , once again, my husband will put the blame on me that he is crying and that I've created this and what a horrible mom I am because of course, hearing our little guy cry is no fun...

Ahhhh..I feel like I'm in a no win situation here.

I want to respect and honor both my husband, my son, but also my own beliefs/feelings/intuitions.

[D_McG]

I think at that age it shouldn't be too hard.  With DS he doesn't have to like every decision I make but once I'm confident in it then I can comfort him through the transition.  I'd just say that mommies and daddies sleep together and he has his room and it has x, y and z (nice things in there) and some kind of reward for staying in his bed.  

I think at age 4 he doesn't have to like it but he'll adjust to it, YK?  My son would I'm sure prefer to sleep with me.  I know he would, actually because he's said as much.  But you know... it's OK that he'd prefer that.  There are lots of things in life I'd like.  Doesn't mean I can get them and doesn't mean it's the end of the world, either.