Separation anxiety - can I do anything about it?

[hasya]

I am with my daughter 24/7 right now, and lately, she doesn't want me to go into the kitchen or the bathroom or to the bedroom to pick up a fresh diaper/fresh clothes for her.

She is a lot better when DH and I are both at home. Just this morning, I had a doctor's appointment, and although I didn't want to leave behind her back, she was facing the other way when I stepped out. DH says that she went to the usual places to look for me. She didn't cry, however. As soon as I stepped back in, though, she started crying.

She hangs around my feet a lot, pulls at my skirt/trousers. Sometimes even wants to be picked up all the time. With my tendonitis, it is nearly impossible for me to do so continuously. I've tried wearing her, but she doesn't like the loss of freedom very much while at home, and her squirming makes it very hard on my shoulders and back.

How can I help her? Mommy does need to attend to nature's calls, hers and daughter's, and eat!

Is this even separation anxiety if she is just fine going with a neighbour to her house (she knows this neighbour from day 1) for 10 min?

I am worried because I have to return to work soon and send her to daycare. It'll be only part time but being apart is being apart even if it is for 1 day a week.

Thanks in advance.

Edited by hasya - 2/1/11 at 4:00pm

[HannahW]

 How old is your daughter? Mine is nine and a half months and is the same way. She is ok with hanging out with Nana (like she doesn't even realize that I am gone), but if I leave her alone in a room for a sec, she crys and chases me (crawling). I think that she just wants/needs alot of attention right now. Babies my daughters age don not really have a grasp of time yet. So if she feels alone she thinks it will last forever. So sad to think about, but true. She will prob grow out of it, and you will miss her wanting you all the time.

[Knitting Mama]

My daughter's the same age, HannahW, and we have major separation anxiety issues too. Sometimes Papa feels like chopped liver, because she goes insane if I'm not holding her or near her.

[mommybaker]

It is hard to work on this, especially because if they feel us leaving, it gets worse.  It takes a while, but start working on 'be right back'.  My daughter used to cry at the window if I ran outside to start the car in cold weather, or to get the dog.  I just started using a specific phrase that eventually came to mean that I really would come back at some point. 

[angela67j]

I too have a daughter 11 months old that has always desired to be near me.  I think it is sweet and I know one day she will not require all of the closeness and holding she needs now....that said some days or even certain times of the day HOLY COW girl!  Things we do to help ease the days that she is extra fussy and clingy I have a backpack i wear that she doesn't mind being in when I wash dishes or pick up.  It is easy on the body. When I go for walks or do my outdoor chores she usually falls asleep in it.  Not sure what they are called but its the little stations that you put them in and they stand and have toys all around (activity station?) well I have one in the bathroom when I take a shower, do hair (rare) and all my bathroom business (tmi?)  She is crawling and that has helped a lot with her wanting to explore and have some independent play.  She plays in the pots and pan cabinet while I cook ( I reserve that play fun for making dinner).  When I leave her with my parents or husband I don't interact with her or say bye (this one I learned from having a sweet loyal dog who hated when I left him) and if I do have to come back in I try again not to let her see me or (big one) hear me.....that always starts the tears. If I am out of site and she fusses I will say something or tell her I will be right there and I always follow up on that so she knows that she may not see me for a minute but I always show back up (this one I learned from being a nurse for Alzheimer's patients).  I feel that we are very attached to each other and she just feels safest with me....especially when she is teething or sick. 

[hasya]

She is almost 9 months old. I do use the "be right back" phrase. She used to be fine with it. But not now. I just keep saying something so that she hears my voice at least and knows that I am nearby. 

I live in an apartment and the only thing that fits in (with great difficulty) is her rocker and she doesn't like it very much these days. I tried the backpack method. It is not for everyone I guess. I always carry her in it when I have to take public transport or go to any place where there are stairs, but I find it very difficult to do anything with her in on my back. Plus, she hates being tied in. She wants to be near me, but free. She doesn't even like sitting in my lap for too long.

[GingerNinja]

I'll chime right in here too.. with my 9.5 month old (I actually just wrote 'year old'.. and gasped) it's the exact same thing! This must be a real stage thing.. that's been building for a couple of months now. 

There's a full and complete meltdown if I leave his sight, unless his back is turned and he's with dad. I've resorted to carrying him around a LOT these days. (it's all Ergo while we're out). From day one we've used whistling to let him know we're coming to him (when he wakes up from naps crying and we're on our way in to him) or will certainly be right back.. he can hear it from a good distance and it does soothe most of the time.  As for bathroom breaks, he's EC'd, so comes along with me and sits on his potty.. but if HE doesn't have to go, he's climbing up my legs to need to sit on my lap (oh boy, ladies.. I'm sure you understand how fun that whole situation is.)... I have a great toy stash in there that can buy me a minute or two, but otherwise.. seeing me means needing to be in contact. 

He does seem to be getting a bit better while not in active teething (it waxes and wanes over a period of weeks) and he can play with things by himself (within sight) for several minutes at a time and sit in his chair at the table with us and eat while we do.. or play with the chunks...  

I'm sure that this passes.. but am so very thankful that I don't also have a tiny baby to take care of at the same time as this stage.. I remind myself of that every time that I get supremely frustrated.. it could always be crazier. 

[Buzzer Beater]

Georgia is eight months right now and doing the same thing. She is on me all day and half the night and it's not enough. I can do just about everything but cook with her on me, so I do that when (and if) I can get her to nap off of me. Some afternoons when I try to put her down she acts like I'm trying to throw her to the wolves or off a cliff... she howls and kicks and clings and grabs at my clothes. I'm trying to use that time to get in a walk with her or read while she scrambles over me and plays in my lap. 

[hasya]

A phase, eh, then?

She screams in the middle of the night if I get up to go to the bathroom, or even when I am trying to switch places with my husband to nurse her, she screams until I come back to bed.

[angela67j]

Originally Posted by Buzzer Beater 

Georgia is eight months right now and doing the same thing. She is on me all day and half the night and it's not enough. I can do just about everything but cook with her on me, so I do that when (and if) I can get her to nap off of me. Some afternoons when I try to put her down she acts like I'm trying to throw her to the wolves or off a cliff... she howls and kicks and clings and grabs at my clothes. I'm trying to use that time to get in a walk with her or read while she scrambles over me and plays in my lap. 

I love that!!!

[bookluver321]

My daughter was the same way at that age.  It took her til she was 2 to start feeling comfortable without me around all the time.  She is now 12 and seems to do just fine without me around, in fact, she sometimes prefers it :( 

[hasya]

Bookluver, That's what I tell myself when it gets quite exhausting to try to run in and out of the bathroom to get back to DD. That soon, she'll grow up and want her privacy. That I should treasure the time when she wants to be with me so much!

[LaydieBugs]

Similar stuff here, at 8 months.  Fortunately (so far) he still is OK with Dad, though not as OK as with me (he searches for me). 

One weird exception is that we got the DVD, Animusic, when he was 6 months old (you can view samples on YouTube, it is hard to describe and is phenomenal animated instruments playing music).  He has loved it since we first got it, and a lot of the time now will still accept sitting in his swing and watching Animusic when he'd rather be held. 

I don't know if it's universal, or if it would have the same effect if it hasn't been a comfort for several months.  But it's how I get things done around the house these days.

They say separation anxiety tends to correspond to their becoming more mobile, and the upside is that it limits their desire to use their new mobility too much ... but it is wearisome for the parents!

Dr. Sears and other Attachment Parenting info on the topic have helped us a lot. 

[crafterdi]

I used to teach 14   two year olds when I was much younger and even though I knew all the correct tools of the trade when I had my own kids... I had the same problem with my daughter so when I read your question I had to reply! I had a son first that had no problem with me leaving and then seven years later had my daughter.

She was just like your daughter! She nursed till she was 23 months etc... in fact, my husband called her Barnacle Brooke!

What I did to make her more comfortable was first realize that even though I needed breaks I kind of loved that she needed me so much! I knew she was going to be my last baby and I guess I wanted it to last as long as possible! However, I knew that for both of our sakes the ties needed to be a bit loosened.

First I don't believe that any mother should just sneak out.... Imagine your mom being there and then not...that is one huge mistake that I made once and had to back peddal for months after that. Babies are smarter than we think!

Start hanging out with people who she loves with kids who you know well. Ask the mom if you can babysit their child while she does a quick errand. Have their mommy leave first...doing the whole goodbye waving etc..ritual.  (Making sure that their child is used to separation and is not going to have a total meltdown and further upset your daughter lol!) Then preoccupy the children with some fun age appropriate project. When the other mom returns make a big deal about saying hi to her and also about what a big boy or girl her kidlet was for lettinng her go and really focusing on how fast his/her mama came back etc... Do this a few times with the other mother leaving. (I am sure that mom will be glad to assist you while she gets her own stuff done, making it a little longer each time.) Then have the mother (who by now owes you a few ~ lol)  stay at your house while you run and do an errand.... maybe just a 30 minute one the first time, gradually increasing the time, first from your house and then from their house. When you start from their house, again you take a day of watching the kids and then you leave starting to leave for short spurts of time as you gradually increase it... Then do things like help out in a nursery at church or somewhere that she has fun and enjoys being and you can stay and then leave for a while but not the whole time... just make her see you will come back Soon she will trust that you will return and be okay with it. I remember when I would drop my daughter off at preschool. I put her in two days a week for about four hours a day and she would make me find her a friend and slowly she was okay so that when she had to be in pre-K the next year she was ready.

One word of advice.... always know who you are leaving your child with. One day when my son was two...we ran into the Director of his PreSchool and he had a total meltdown. We were at a carnival where he was having a blast two minutes before we ran into her. You better believe that I didn't have to think twice before pulling him out of there. End of story, no questions asked.

But that was just an off the wall thing that never happened again. Not to alarm anyone but just know your mother's intuition is usually right on!

Hope this helps.

[jacquie whitt]

I thought I had the most clingy child on the planet from infancy until he went to K at age 6.  (He currently attends University in Denmark, so clearly there is hope!)  I would go to LLL meetings (age 2-3) and he would rather sit on my lap the entire meeting, than get down and run around with the other kids.  It was maddening.  Every nerve of my attachment parenting fiber was tested. 

We used little phrases and songs to remind him we would always come back.  We reminded ourselves that he was really intelligent and that his emotions were being influenced by his deep cognitive awareness of our presence. 

Potty-training was the biggest test of all.  He wanted to go, but insisted that one of us accompany him to the bathroom for every single trip, even though he did not need help.  At first we tried to convince him that he did not need us, but you can imagine how that turned out.  We argued and we knew this was not going to help solve the problem.

Then I asked my husband to join me in an experiment.  We both agreed to do this.  We did the exact opposite of what we wanted to do when he asked one of us to accompany him.  Instead of arguing to convince him that he could go it alone, we joyfully jumped up and happily complied with his request.

It took at most 2 days and he soon forgot to ask us to escort him and started going by himself.  We thought it was a miracle, but it was probably not.

As parents, it seems we are ingrained with the idea that detachment should be when we want it and because that's what we want.  I realized that by changing my attitude about the circumstances I could actually influence the kind of changes that would make everyone feel happy & more comfortable.

I'm not suggesting that our solution to our problem will be everyone's solution to their problem, but I am encouraging parents to think out of the box and try new things.  If what you're doing isn't working, why do you keep doing it?  (this is now my mantra for life!)

[P.J.]

My baby's 8 months and we have this too, glad we're not alone! He follows me everywhere. I often wear him on my back while cooking, but sometimes he's not having any of that as he wants to be free to move around. Sometimes he'll play by my side, sometimes he just crawls over to me and pulls himself up and clings onto my legs. If he's with Papa or our childcare provider it's much easier if I'm not here. If I am here, he will only want to be with me and will try to follow me by the sound of my voice, so I try to stay silent and sneak around where he can't see me! It's not so bad as he'll cry every time I leave the room, but sometimes he does. I also can't pee at night, as he'll usually wake up from what seems like deep sleep and start crying as soon as I try to move. He quite often will not let me leave his side while he naps as well.

I have to say this is one thing I find pretty annoying. Endearing and sweet, yes, but it does get old pretty fast. I am learning very quickly how to just be patient and give give give all the love I have to him, as he clearly needs it right now.

[hasya]

Laydibug, I'll check it out, thanks.

Crafterdi, I never sneak out. Unless I try to say bye bye and she has her back turned, too busy with her toys! I don't have very many mom friends close enough to exchange favours that way.

Jacqui, I am using a similar approach these days. I invite her to follow me into the kitchen. In time, hopefully, she'll let me go to the bathroom without staging a protest outside the door if I try to close it (just enough to keep her out; I don't want her crawling in), or try to crawl in if the door is open.

PJ, I have a similar problem at nap time. I began to put a sleeping bag on the floor of the living room, nurse her to sleep and go about my work/browsing/something I can do while keeping an eye on her. That way, if she stirs, I am right there, if she tries to crawl to me, it is not off the edge of a bed. Because of the same tendonitis, I cannot lift her and put her in her "purely-ornamental-as-yet" crib smoothly enough so that she doesn't wake up.

[MrsBone]

My DS didn't get over that phase until I weaned him at 21 months. Is your DD breastfed still? It fosters an attachment that they can't get from anyone else. I'd just roll with it. It won't last forever :)

[hasya]

MrsBone, yes, she is.

Congratulations on your new pregnancy. I hear that 2.5 years is the ideal difference between consecutive kids.