How do you deal when your poor sleeper/co-sleeper is putting a strain on your marriage?

[mamaluvs]

Our basic family sleep philosophy is "as long as everyone is sleeping and basically happy during the day, anything goes". The problem is we aren't all that happy right now.

We co-slept with DD out of complete necessity and both(DH and myself) fell in love with it.  During her second year of life she slowly transitioned into her own bed but usually ends up back with one of us in the early morning-no problem.

We started off co-sleeping with DS and then he slept alone for awhile (at the time he slept better that way) but then over the summer he started needing a lot of night time parenting again.  The current situation is I put him to bed on a double mattress in his room and I roll away once he is asleep-on a good night 7:30, on a bad night 8:30.  When I am ready for bed, by 9:30, I just go directly to his bed because I know he'll be waking up soon.  Sometimes, he's already woken before I am even ready for bed.  During the night he'll wake to nurse between 5-10 times.  I've tried to nightwean but he totally fights it.  DS also will not let DH put him to bed or console him at all at night.  DH is more than willing to help but it just doesn't work.  If DS cries too long, DD wakes up then everyone is up and tired and cranky the next day.  So it is just easier for me to do the night time parenting of DS except:

I am exhausted and starting to feel trapped! And DH and I need some time alone-away from the house and kids!   My husband works 10-12 hour days so by the time he gets home at night, we all eat a quick dinner then it is time to start the bedtime routine.  Once everyone is asleep (DD is asleep by 8 the latest), I'm almost ready for bed too.  I feel like I can't go out ever by myself (which I really need) because DS needs so much from me at night.  I'd love to go to a "Moms Night Out" or something like that but it just seems lke its not worth it.  We have family that will gladly babysit at night for us so that DH and I could go out together but again, DS needs so much from me at night that it just makes it so hard to leave.  And really, by the time DH gets home from work, there isn't enough time for us to go out and come home before bedtime.  Yet, I need some time away and DH and I really need some alone time.  Our marriage is stressed right now-for a variety of reasons-but my lack of good sleep and my inability to leave DS is certainly contributing.  How do I change this though?

[sammymama]

Hi Mama,

I only have 1 DD so I am not in your exact situation but just wanted to give you props for meeting your babe's needs so sensitively for so long now - and to let you know you are not alone!  My DD is also a very challenged (co-) sleeper and there were definitely moments when it was becoming an issue between me and DH.  For awhile we decided to sleep separately, that is, me and DD in one room and DH in another.  I was not a huge fan initially, but when she was in a phase of waking 10x a night it would stress me out and I'd actually sleep worse, worrying about how we were disturbing DH.  So for her hardest phases, even though I missed sleeping with DH, it actually worked a little better for us.  During that time we had to make an effort to spend more weekend time together while awake.  :)  I also totally hear you on the evening out thing; I've not been out past about 8 since DD (nearly 18 mos now) arrived, due to her high nighttime needs.  That is also where the weekends have come in for us - we really have to work to look ahead and schedule things/time for us.  For the bedtime immediately following dinner thing: I don't know if it's an option for your husband's job, but my DH started going to work at the crack of dawn so he can be in the door by about 5:30 at night.  At first I missed getting to see him in the mornings, but I much prefer our less-hectic evening times - now we can eat dinner together and have a bit to hang out before the bedtime routine starts.  The last thing that I have always been comforted by is the knowledge that this time, too, shall pass.  HTH...  Take care of you and good luck!!