Talking about sex with an 8 year old

[mad4mady]

I am pregnant and this has brought up a lot of questions from my 8 year old dd. I like to be very open and honest with her and explain things the way they are however, I like to keep it age appropraite. we try to keep the coomunication about it open. However, I have not felt that my daughter was interested or ready to know what sex is but,t he other day she said her friend told her sex is when your parents kiss when they are unclothed. I dont know if I should just let her think this until she get older and asks more questions or if I should give her the facts now before she hears more stuff on the playground. 

[tinuviel_k]

Hmmm... I don't know if I the advice you need because we started talking about sex at age three and have continued on from there as she matures (she is age 7 now). My daughter knows just about all the logistics of reproduction now.

I think it would be a very good idea to start educating your daughter ASAP. Knowledge is power, and incorrect knowledge can really hurt. It can be shocking what kids talk about in school; it is pretty explicit. When I was in second grade the kids talked about sex on the school bus and in playground corners, and times haven't changed, I'm sure. A friend of mine's daughter came home horrified because a little kid on the playground told her that girls get a baby when a man pees in her butt. She had to have an emergency crash course in sex-ed, and afterward mama started to finally get why we started with the info so young!

I'd browse the bookstore and look for age appropriate books to read with your daughter. I've heard good things about, It's So Amazing. http://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Families-Library/dp/0763613215/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296165949&sr=8-1

[limabean]

I agree that a book can definitely help. I've heard good things about It's So Amazing and It's Not the Stork, but I haven't read either myself. 

My 6yo DS knows all the basics and mechanics. I just answered the questions he asked without giving extra info, but he kept pressing and eventually asked, "But how does the sperm get inside the mommy?" so I answered that question for him too. I don't think there's anything wrong with kids of any age knowing all of that. 

[Thalia the Muse]

I agree - at eight, she should know the basics of intercourse, especially since she clearly wants the information. Using a book is a good way to get around discomfort about the discussion. You can look at it together.

[MusicianDad]

I would correct her on that. There is far too much at risk with allowing kids to believe inaccurate information about sex. What happens if she never asks more questions because she thinks she knows the real answer and doesn't realize what sex really is when a boy starts asking her to do it?

[mamazee]

At 8 she needs to know more than that.  It's So Amazing is a book aimed at that age group and is very informative.  Kids are actually safer from being victimized the more information they have, so I would try to reframe this in your mind and get the information to her.

[One_Girl]

I think she needs to know the real deal, especially since she is looking to friends to give her knowledge.  She may get a lot more information from other kids her age if she is looking to them and it probably won't be accurate.  My dd is the same age and I found out at Christmas time that she though sex was when you get naked with a boy and you put your mouths on each others private parts.  We read the It's So Amazing book and really liked it a lot.

[mad4mady]

This is where I am confused as to where to go about explaining it, so maybe you guys can explain what you did. She does know more then that, she know that sex means that a man has a penis which has sperm and a women has a vagina that has an egg and when the sperm meets the egg that is how a baby is made. I think she is interested in the next part of that explaination and What I think she is asking is how this happens. So I am very straight forward when I talk about these things but, I don't want to get to too detailed too soon when I explain it further then I have. Did you guys simply say "the penis goes here...." Do I explain that people do this for more reasons then just to make a baby? To me it seems like I would save that part for when we begin to talk about birth control options and I would think that would be much later on. This is where I am not sure how far I should expand the converstaion. She knows all about puberty, menstration, the difference in male and female.

Thanks, Megan

[mad4mady]

I am going to check out that book...thanks

[limabean]

Originally Posted by mad4mady 

What I think she is asking is how this happens. So I am very straight forward when I talk about these things but, I don't want to get to too detailed too soon when I explain it further then I have. Did you guys simply say "the penis goes here...." Do I explain that people do this for more reasons then just to make a baby? To me it seems like I would save that part for when we begin to talk about birth control options and I would think that would be much later on. This is where I am not sure how far I should expand the converstaion.

I agree that it can be hard to know how far to go in the discussion. My DS flat-out asked how the sperm and the egg got together, so I said, "Well, the Daddy and Mommy who love each other put the man's penis inside the woman's vagina. Then sperm come out of the penis and travel through the vagina, uterus, and fallopian tubes to find the egg." (Yes, I know that all babies aren't made by a man and a woman who love (or even know) each other, but that's how it was in our family so that's the example I'm starting with, to simplify things.) My DS didn't ask anything after that, so that's where we've ended the discussion for now.

As time goes on I assume he'll have more questions, and I'll answer those as they come. If he doesn't ask anything else by the time he's 10 or 11, we'll have a talk about all the rest of it -- the emotions involved in sex, protection from pregnancy and disease, and all of that. But for now I think he was just curious about the mechanics, so that's all I answered. 

[Thalia the Muse]

That's pretty much the level of detail I gave when DD was five -- the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina, and the sperm come out and go into the uterus and up the fallopian tubes, and if they find an egg and everything works right the egg and sperm can start growing into a baby. We got "It's So Amazing"  from the library, and it has great cartoon diagrams of the reproductive system, of an egg getting fertilized, and of different stage of embryonic development. We also covered periods, plus some basic stuff like when she pees, the pee is not coming out of her vagina but out of a separate hole, and masturbation -- feels good, most people do it, can't hurt you, don't do it in the living room please because it's a private thing ...

By eight, she knew that sex felt good, that the penis had to get hard for this to happen and that couples usually like to kiss and hug and touch each other beforehand and during, and that people have sex for lots of reasons (not just to make babies). She knew that having sex could make a woman pregnant even if she didn't want it to, and that there are ways prevent that (I don't think we've talked about specific methods, though). She also knew that someone could want to have sex with you but not really care about you or be concerned about what's best for you. She knew all about menstruation and that it would happen to her and about tampons and pads, and what puberty is. We also talked about how no one has a right to see or touch the private parts of your body if you don't want them to, and all that good stuff.

[One_Girl]

The book I used did explain that the penis gets hard and the man and woman lay close to each other then the man inserts his penis into her vagina in terms of it being something that feels good and produces babies.  It also explained the changes of puberty for boys and girls, that it is okay to explore your body and feel good about it, and that no one should touch your body without your permission.  I used to book as a discussion tool and dd also read it on her own after I read it to her.

[mad4mady]

Thanks for the experiences. I ended up bringing it up after school today and explaining it all out there. She was really suprised to hear that is the way it happens. Her first question was "you mean you and dad do this" LOL, I was like yes we do. I am happy that she has the whole story. I figure if she doesn't bring it up again, I will talk about birth control and all that stuff at 10 or 11 too. I am so happy that we have an open relationship. I had no clue about sex and by the time my mom brought it up it was way way too late and just seemed embarrassing.

[Thalia the Muse]

I'm glad it went well!