I keep going back and forth and second guessing everything, probably because my first birth was a bad experience. I don't have a whole lot of trust this time around, and I am scared of the pain. (Long story short, I tried to home birth, transferred, the care from my MW was not at all what I expected, I had LEEP scar tissue, cervical swelling/lip, posterior baby, shoulder dystocia, etc, etc, and not so great postpartum care in the downtown hospital.) (The story is here http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1099751/emotional-support-for-transfer if you are so inclined.)
I have three options for this birth, and if anyone could weigh in and offer some insight, I'd really appreciate it. I feel like I can't rely on my own advice to myself, or advice from my mother (*cough*)
So, three options:
1. Home-- I am having a hard time finding HB MWs near me. And I'm hesitant to put my faith in ONE person, since last time my MW really let me down.I also let myself down, and I am worried about failing again. HOWEVER, home would probably be the best place for my DD, who will be 2yo for the birth. We have no close friends here, and no family nearby. My mom will try to fly in a few days before the birth, but she has never done things like put my 2yo to bed, etc. And she's pretty mainstream. I would leave my DD with her, but only for a short time. I would also NEED a doula if I stay at home. DH is not exactly a "coach". :) Oh, and I am dreadfully scared of transferring here in our town. Of the hospital here, someone in my tribal area said they "wouldn't take their dog" to our local hospital. It's scary/bad/mainstream.
2. Hospital with CNMs-- The down side is that I don't get to pick my MW, I get whoever is on call. It's a good hospital with a good NICU, etc. (Vanderbilt Univ. Hospital in Nashville) The "Vandy Midwives" have a great reputation. But WHAT would I do with my DD? We live an hour from Vandy. I can't leave her home with my mom and drive an hour away in labor, not knowing when I'll be back.
3. The Farm-- I am 2 to 2 1/2 hours from the Farm. We visited, and our MW there seems great. We'd have my mom come stay with me until I go into labor, and then DH would drive down when I went into labor (he'd be home, going to work every day.) The Farm is rustic, though, and the cabins are very tight. I'm not sure about my mom, what she'd even DO with my DD while I was in labor. It's pretty darn small. What if I am screaming? What if my mom says something negative? What if it's a little too rustic to be comfortable for 7-10 days before the birth and a few days after? The good things are that I think I'd be safe there. I mean, if I can't birth naturally at The Farm, I must be a big failure! Or have something seriously wrong that I'd truly need to transfer (although that would break my heart.)
I feel like I am rambling and probably not getting all the important points out. I am 21 weeks, and this decision is weighing heavily on me, to the point where it's keeping me awake at night, which anyone who is pregnant and also has a toddler know is awful in the morning. :(