help with tantrums & transitioning to a new country

[windorabug]

hello, we have recently (3 weeks ago)  moved from Oregon to Florence Italy & we will be here until mid June. My dd (4) is having a really hard time, much harder than I anticipated. She is normally a pretty low-key, go with the flow, kind of kid but since we have been here she is screaming & having huge tantrums at bedtime. She will repeatedly ask to go potty even though she just went or ask for a drink of water over & over again. Etc etc. If I say no she just keeps repeating the same request over & over getting more loud & more angry. She has been hitting me & biting me & screaming in my face. I try to just be there but I have been getting more & more frustrated with the situation & I have lashed out at her. I try to listen during the day to the things she might be needing but she doesn't want to talk about it. 

She also ALWAYS wants to ride in the backpack whenever we go anywhere - I can understand that because it's pretty busy here & a little bit scary since we came from a place that she could run in the road & walk down sidewalks without holding hands. Oh that's another thing she keeps screaming that I am hurting her when I hold her hand - even if I hold on to her wrist or her coat hood it doesn't matter. She has been getting really really frustrated with me all the time.

It is really the night/bedtime that is getting me though because the neighbors are getting upset & banging on the floor & ceiling & if I sit quietly by her while she is freaking out (sometimes for an hour or more!) I start to get really anxious that all the neighbors are going to get us removed from the house!!! It's really awful. 

I am at a loss as to what else to do. 

[windorabug]

Really, not one person? :(

[babydanielsmom]

Could she be getting sick? I was wondering maybe she's coming down with something from being in a new climate/enviroment? I know when my Ds is getting an ear infection he's ...well a little monster . Do you have rhythm you follow during the day or has her days changed a lot since your move? Seems like it would be a big change for a LO.

Is she in her own room? If so maybe night time is scary for her now b/c it's all new to her. The whole thing with her asking for a drink and to go potty over and over makes me think that she's a little scared.Maybe you could co sleep for awhile? And I'm sure that the neighbors banging on the walls and yelling are not helping her settle down. Is there any way you could introduce yourself to them and bring up that your LO is having a hard time adjusting.

What do you do when she is hitting and biting you? I think at 4 yrs old it is completely ok to say in your firm mommy voice that "we do not hit in this house" and then remove yourself from the situation a bit ( or time out/ time in whatever you want to call it). Sometimes when I just give Ds his space when he's having a tantrum they are not as bad and he gets over them ALOT quicker than if I'm right there beside him. I think (for me)  being beside of him just made it worse but if I'm still in the room (aware of him, letting him know that when he's done we can talk) just doing something like calmly folding the towels he's sees I'm calm so he gets calmer quicker. God, I hope that made sense !

[Amandamarie]

My dd is 5 1/2 and we moved to a new area about 6 months ago. Not to an entirely new country, but still a big change. She had to get used to a new bedroom, not having a backyard, and a new school. She was very scared to go to bed and even now we're going through it again. A cd player in her room helped. Drowned out some of the noise from apartments next door. We're 10 minutes from an airport and although the soundproofing is decent, at night the cargo planes are very loud. We're looking into headphones to help with that.

Also, My dh or I lay down with her until she falls asleep some nights when she's having a really tough time. I get really tired and frustrated too. I notice it's more so when I'm not getting enough sleep, time to myself, or not taking care of myself in general.

Hoping someone has more advice.

[ssh]

Have you tried co-sleeping? She sounds really scared.  My DD, when she was 3, got very clingy when we moved and it was just to a different house. Change is just scary for LOs and the bigger the change the scarier.

[physmom]

HUGS.  I'm the one with the thread about the  two year old in almost the exact same position (just moved abroad).  I don't really have any good advice but I wanted to let you know I feel your pain!  Also, definitely make sure she's not getting sick, DD almost always gets sick on international flights. :(

[tonttu]

My youngest son always acts like that , when the situation changes . And there have been many changes in his/our life the past 6 years , first my husband died and then we moved across the country and then from there to a totally different country . 

And I really feel , that his outbursts of rage are just an expression of his felling helpless and scared and insecure . The best advice I can give you , is , be patient , keep reassuring her and try to let her know , that even though surroundings may change , Mommy won´t , Mommy will always be there .

I know , it must be hard and frustrating , but it gets better over time , even though it took a long time for us . 

Try to see , if she wants to sleep with you , that was very reassuring for my youngest , and be as patient and as understanding as possible . You don´t have to tolerate abuse from her , but explain to her , that Mommy is here for her and that you understand , that she is not comfortable . I am sure , she will come around  , after all , she is still very small , and something this big , like being in a different country (and Italian cities are quite something) is huge for a little person

[windorabug]

Thank you all for your replies! I just wrote a whole long reply & it went missing :( 

We are co-sleeping & have been all along. She did just get over being sick & I am now sick again so she might have something else? 

I was watching her play yesterday when we were out and about & I realized that she is having her own experience here (really obvious right!) and it is different from mine. I can see her get frustrated when people are talking to her & when she is trying to play with other kids. It makes me feel sad for her. 

I just assumed all along that she would be fine as long as I was here with her. I am feeling pretty bad about the whole situation. 

She has also started yelling that she hates me & that I'm stupid which she has never done before. I don't normally react to it but yesterday (right after she did it in the middle of a huge group of people) she asked to go to the park & I said no way after how she was acting. This is all so new to me & I don't quite know how to respond to her - I want to be supportive & understanding but at the same time I don't want her to think it is the normal way to get her point across to me. When I ask her to ask/talk to me without screaming or whining she just gets more angry & starts screaming NO! READ/PARK/OUTSIDE!. Then it escalates. 

Thanks again for making a few things clear for me :)

[sublimeliving]

We lived in Europe for six months and my kids were miserable at times. Everything is different. I sent my oldest to summer camp (you could do preschool) at the international school. Here is the link to the one in Florence-http://www.isfitaly.org/site/home.asp It also might help if you meet some English speaking families so she would have someone to interact with that speaks her language. Is she taking Italian lessons? If not, that might help w/ small talk on the playground.