Thank you ladies for your replies :) I really appreciate them.
Greenmulberry- I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed, at least as far as what I have learned about depression in nursing school and also just researching. Rather than wanting to withdraw from people, places and things, I actually yearn for a deeper connection with people. As I said before I have friends and get along with pretty much everyone, but I think I'm missing the depth of relationship that I crave. Perhaps that is my own fault. I am thinking lately that I can't really express who I am fully to any of my friends. Maybe one, I think she would like to listen, but probably not understand. My mom and husband know my thoughts, but again, though they love me very much and sympathize, most of the time they don't really know what I'm talking about as they have never shared in those thoughts or feelings. So I guess in that regard, I don't really fit in. Of course we have a lot in common as well, but when it comes to some of the things I think about and feel, they are lost.
Linda on the move- I have sort of dabbled in some New Age spirituality, both before and after I became a born again Christian. Although, I am sort of having a conflict, b/c while I believe in God (very much) and Jesus, I am not sure about Christianity if that even makes sense. This is not a statement against Christians as I know many fabulous Christians, but there is just this strange nagging. It is also uncomfortable for me b/c then of course I ask myself what voice is it that I'm hearing? B/c it goes against what I have been taught is right. On the other hand I am also grateful for this uncomfortable feeling b/c it gives me insight as to how others feel when people try to make them change their faith and how scary that can be for them. Your experience as a child sounds a lot like mine! I feel that I have become almost too good at saying and acting in such a way as people expect is right/normal that I'm having trouble figuring out who/what I really am. And then, I ask myself, am I delusional? LOL, it doesn't help that I've taken courses in abnormal psychology and I'm currently in my Psychiatric rotation for nursing school.
KittyWitty-back at you!
Devaya- I am glad that you feel similar! It is nice to know that I am not alone. I never really thought that I was the only person in the world feeling this way, but always wondered how do I find the others? It's so funny that you mention nature, b/c that is actually where I love it the most. I even had my wedding outside b/c I just feel at home there. I feel the beauty and awe of God's creation, the wonder of the tiniest details in nature to the most awe inspiring thunder storms (although, I can't say I'm a fan of the snow we got last week! took my husband 5 hours to do a 40 minute commute). Another time, a good friend of mine from high school committed suicide, it was pretty awful for everyone, but I didn't go to the funeral. Not because I couldn't handle the emotions, but I remember thinking, why should I go there? He isn't there, it's just his body. Instead my boyfriend(who is now my husband) took me up to the mountains for the day and that is where I felt like I could feel my friend's spirit and the comfort of God.
As I kind of mentioned above, perhaps my loneliness is my own fault, b/c I don't feel at liberty to really be my true self with anyone b/c it's sort of just out there. I think it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, as I have sort of tested the waters with some people and felt it was probably best not to continue. Not b/c they would shun me, but I could tell that they either had absolutely no idea, they were really uncomfortable or they would argue with me. So I keep it in. But I feel that perhaps God wants me to let it out no matter how strange it may seem to other people. Interestingly enough, I got a massage and had Reiki for the first time right before Christmas. And at the end, the reiki therapist (um is that even the correct terminology?) said, "the whole time I was working on you I kept feeling like you were an angel. I felt like your throat chakra was imbalanced (which apparently may signify that I don't say all that I want to) and I felt like I am supposed to give you a message 'to not be afraid to be who you are'. " I thought that was very interesting, and timely.