How much did you share about your AP lifestyle?

[WifeMomChiro]

We are just starting the adoption process.  We are filling out an adoptive parent questionnaire and then we are starting the homestudy.  We are doing domestic infant adoption.  I know that we will have to have a crib set up, even though we plan to cosleep.   I also want to induce lactation.  Do you share all of this during the homestudy process?  Do you put anything in your adoption profile for e-moms to see?  I want to have an open relationship with the e-mom, but I don't want to scare them before they even know us.  What did you do?

[mamadebug]

We did a home study with a private agency - and because we moved, we are now redoing it through the county.  They are totally different experiences.  

For the private agency, we didn't have to have a crib set up - for the county, we do.  We shared more stuff with the social worker from the private agency - she was friendlier, warmer, engaged more in conversation about our life, how we parent, etc.  Plus, based on some stuff we knew about her, we had a feeling she wasn't going to be judgmental of some of our choices.  That said, we didn't offer more than what she was asking for in most instances.  I really don't think she will ask about inducing lactation, for example.  I think that really isn't common enough to be on their radar - so I wouldn't put it out there.  If they ask, be honest, of course.  

Our social worker from the county is totally different - she really doesn't engage in conversation except for what she has to.  She isn't warm or friendly.  I get the sense she is much more main stream.  There are certain requirements through the county that weren't in place when we worked with the private agency - and so we will follow those.  For example, the social worker through the private agency never mentioned anything about our son not being fully vaccinated (it was noted on his physical report form from his doctor's office).  I know that through the county, we have to vaccinate on schedule until the adoption is finalized.  There is no way around it, we have to do it, so it really isn't worth getting into any sort of conversation with this social worker about it - it won't change what we have to do, and it could only serve to alienate her.  

So, I guess you just have to wait and get a feel for your worker and the agency you are working with.  

Our profile is pretty general, and of course, makes us look "nice".  The agency we were first working with and a facilitator both gave us feedback and guidance on what to write.  They both recommended that we not put anything that might scare off a birth mom, but that we talk about it when we meet them in person (when it gets to that point).  For example, I had breast cancer.  They said we should not put that in the profile (I wouldn't have), but that we absolutely should share that when we meet in person.  Reading that about someone when you haven't met them and don't know anything more about them could be a real turn off.  When we did met with a pregnant couple, we told them in person and they didn't seem bothered by it at all (at least partly, I would assume, because I was sitting in front of them looking perfectly healthy).  Likewise, some things like co-sleeping or adoptive nursing are pretty intimate and personal, and might be better discussed in person.  Again, I think it is imperative to be totally honest.  But if you put certain things in your profile, that is the main impression a pregnant mom will take away about you as a family - and I think it is important to ask yourself what the defining things about your family are and highlight those.  

[RedOakMomma]

We did international adoption, but used a seperate homestudy agency that does homestudies for domestic and adoption.  It was important to us to be completely honest with our social worker...we did not set up a crib, we told her we planned on co-sleeping (if our dd tolerated it), that I hoped to do some breastfeeding or at least pump breastmilk to use in bottles.  Being honest with her meant we could have more open, honest conversations with her about adoption, and talking with her ended up being important--we learned so much about adoption and attachment from her and all of her adoption-related experiences.

She didn't choose to include everything we discussed in the homestudy she wrote up, though.   She wrote up what she considered an appropriate homestudy for the South Korean adoption system.  A lot of what we discussed was only between her and us, which meant a closer relationship to lean on during and after the adoption process.

[queenjane]

I adopted through the foster care system. I didnt share *everything* with the homestudy worker (for example, even though i strongly supported cosleeping my son was nearly 10 and had his own bed that he mostly slept in, so it didnt come up) but what i did share i tried to put into "social worker-ese." I didnt say we are radical unschoolers, i said "we homeschool, using a very hands-on child-led approach that i feel allows my son to learn at his own pace" or some such thing. I didnt say "im an AP parent/babywear/ebf" i said "i think when babies needs are met in a consistent way they learn to trust and healthy attachments can better form" or something like that. Yknow, confuse her with lots of words.

Even with all that, i think i was painted as a bit of a hippie. Our first homestudy worker was really concerned about HSing, what if the child has special needs blah blah, and my standard answer was that i was flexible in my parenting choices and willing to do whatever is necessary to meet a specific child's individual needs.

I think you might have to feel out what the worker's prejudices might be...is she the type to think vegans are crazy people who starve their kids? well its not a necessary thing to bring up, so maybe dont mention it. That being said, if you have a choice of agencies and if you think most of your parenting choices would be suspect with your agency it might not be the best fit for you.

[marsupial-mom]

We disclosed our veganism right away. I didn't want that to come as a surprise to anyone. I did my research to make sure I knew how to feed a baby in a way that was vegan but also met mainstream standards.

We just answered everything honestly and it turns out that our licensing workers and case workers approve of things like baby wearing, cloth diapers, sign language, etc.

The main issues would have been vaccinations, co-sleeping, inducing lactation, etc. But we're pretty mainstream so it really wasn't much of an issue. I wanted to induce lactation, but I scrapped that idea when I couldn't find any local support, so it wasn't worth mentioning in the home study. We just fed him soy formula and he's fine. If I had a bio baby I would probably alter the traditional vax schedule a little, but I was fine with vaccinating our foster child. So that was a non-issue. And it turns out that I'm not much of a co-sleeper anyway. Sure, baby spends the occassional night curled up next to me, but generally he's in his crib. However, the crib was in our room, not his own room, for the home study and for the first 9 months. They didn't have a problem with that, either. They just wanted to see the room that would become his room when he was older.

Mostly, they were interested in our home's safety in a fire, our income, our background check, and our willingness to take on children with special needs. It surprised me how little they seemed interested in us and our parenting styles.

[Buddhamom]

Completely open.  But we were doing an African American agency only adoption and our agency told us a majority of the bmoms in the AA program have the agency choose families so it wasn't an issue for us to be vegan, co-sleeping, adoption breastfeeding, etc.  In fact with our home study, we wouldn't have passed if we didn't co-sleep because in our state the child MUST be on the same floor as the parents for the first year and our 3rd and 4th bedrooms are on the first floor.  But since she slept with us solely for the first 3 years we were all set.  In fact she never used her nursery and by the time she wanted her own room we had jostled the teens around and her room was upstairs with ours. I am not sure about foster to adopt situations though as we did an private agency domestic adoption.

[Whistler]

We chose to be selective about what we shared.  We set up a crib even though we meant to co-sleep and we didn't feel the need to talk about adoptive breastfeeding.  I figured all they needed to know is the baby would have a safe place to sleep and would be carefully and adequately nourished.  We didn't want to share anything that might raise red flags or rock the boat.  At the same time, in an effort to be open and honest with our SW, I did make it a point to bring up something like "we might try co-sleeping if it comforts the baby" or something really general like that and she did not even raise an eyebrow.  It seemed to me that the more I presented our choices like "we'll choose the best education for each child" instead of "we're absolutely set on homeschooling no matter what" the more the SW was able to write up a positive report of our family.  Just because I happen to believe that homeschooling is the best choice for our family right now, the thing the SW cares about is that the child will be educated.  They don't much care how it's done as long as they know we care that it IS done.  Does that make sense?