Playdate ettiquette - what to do when there are messes, broken things

[Pookietooth]

Ds really only has one friend who comes over on a regular basis, partly because I am terrible as a host and because we just don't know that many people here that well. Anyway, this friend has frequently left messes in ds's room, and has broken his toys on several occasions. She never is willing to clean up, or if her mom insists, she does very little. Her mom has never offered to replace broken toys -- is that just not done?

[oaktreemama]

I would offer to replace a broken toy for sure. That said, if this is a regular occurrence yet you want to continue play dates, I would remove toys that are liable to get broken.

I do feel that it is my obligation to clean up generally. I will ask if the kids can help, but don't get offended if they don't. I also only have so many toys available at one time so I am not going crazy with 17 million toys everywhere.

[limabean]

Does the mom always come over along with the girl, or is she there alone? I'm pretty ruthless about enforcing house rules when kids are here without their parents. No shoes upstairs, don't get out anything you're not willing to clean up, be kind to friends and things or you go home. 20 minutes before it's time for the kids to leave, I tell them that clean-up time is in 10 minutes, then we all spend the last 10 minutes cleaning up together. I don't care if things aren't perfect, but I'm not going to sit there and clean up hundreds of Lincoln Logs and Legos by myself, you know?

That kind of stuff might be a little harder if the girl's mom is always there, although even then I'd enforce the "be kind to friends and things" rule -- if I saw her starting to get rough with something I'd say, "Please be gentle with the toys or I'll have to put them away so they don't get broken," and follow through. 

[K1329]

Originally Posted by oaktreemama 

I would offer to replace a broken toy for sure. That said, if this is a regular occurrence yet you want to continue play dates, I would remove toys that are liable to get broken.

I do feel that it is my obligation to clean up generally. I will ask if the kids can help, but don't get offended if they don't. I also only have so many toys available at one time so I am not going crazy with 17 million toys everywhere.

I agree - I would offer to replace a broken toy, but, am sure put away anything that I don't want to get broken/played with. When we have playdates, I figure a bit of a mess is part of the package. I will suggest that they clean up, but, don't force it, and dd and I will clean up together after the guest has gone. Kind of the "it's a party" mentality. A little bit of mess/clean up is worth it to host a playdate and have a good time.
 

[ElliesMomma]

nm

Edited by ElliesMomma - 5/28/11 at 11:30pm

[Shaki]

Does the mom know that toys are getting broken? She may not be aware of it.

I prefer to do it a little differently at my house. I tell the mom and kids to not worry about the mess and clean after they are gone. I do this partly because I'm an introvert and when the playdates start winding down I'm ready for everyone to leave. But lots of families around here operate in a similar way and we trade off playdates, so if you are the one with a messy house this week your friend will be the one with the messy house next time. That being said if we are not playing with a "leave the mess" family or visiting new friends I always help clean (and so does DD).

So I guess I think of the ettiquette like this: If you are at someone else house offer to clean or just clean. If you are hosting you call the shots (your house rules apply), you can ask for help cleaning or you can deal with the mess later (whichever you prefer). As far as broken toys, If my child broke a toy I would apologize and offer to replace it. If someone broke my childs toy and offered to replace it I would tell them not to worry about it. Stuff breaks. I also agree with pp's that putting away breakable or special toys before the playdate makes sense.

[pianojazzgirl]

Before playdates, depending on who's coming over, I often put up a bunch of toys - anything "special" that my kids would be really sad if a part went missing or got broken.  Since this is a pattern with this particular boy I'd definitely be doing that in your case.

Replacing broken toys... well I would certainly offer to replace a toy if my kid broke it.  If someone broke one of my kids' toys I'd most likely say don't worry about it... unless it was some really special thing that they LOVED and was pretty new and I couldn't really afford to replace (which would be about everything since we're on a really tight budget!).  Like a pp said - toys get broken, that's part of life.  (But like I said above I'm usually v. careful about putting up anything too "special").  FWIW to date I've never had to replace anything for anyone and I've never asked anyone to replace anything for us.

Messes I think are to be expected after a playdate.  If it's a mild to moderate mess I usually just shrug my shoulders and figure I'll clean it later (with the help of my kids).  If it's a pretty bad mess I don't feel shy to tell *all* the kids (including the guest) that there's 10 mins left of the playdate - time to clean up.  Depending on the age of the guest I'll often stay and clean with them.  If it's one of dd's older friends (6-8yos) they can usually handle the clean-up on their own.

[pianojazzgirl]

Also, if I'm at someone else's house I'll often pitch in to clean up, and/or ask my kids to help clean up before we go (especially if it's more than a tiny bit of mess).  I have some friends who do help clean up at my house and some who don't offer... I guess everyone has different ideas on what's to be done!

[ecoteat]

 We have a tight group of four families that plays together regularly. When all the kids are together we expect messes, and generally leave it to the host to clean up. Since we take turns hosting gatherings, no one seems to mind at all. As for broken toys, it happens occasionally, but we usually just accept it as part of an energetic group of happy kids. No one's ever broken anything so special or vaulable that it was a problem or anything that couldn't be fixed.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by ecoteat 

 We have a tight group of four families that plays together regularly. When all the kids are together we expect messes, and generally leave it to the host to clean up. Since we take turns hosting gatherings, no one seems to mind at all. As for broken toys, it happens occasionally, but we usually just accept it as part of an energetic group of happy kids. No one's ever broken anything so special or vaulable that it was a problem or anything that couldn't be fixed.

Same here, more or less.  I don't make my dinner guests do the dishes, either.  Nor do I expect them to offer to buy me a new set of glasses if they break one.  Ds has broken another kid's toy once that I'm aware of.  It was a total accident, something that got knocked off a table and landed just right to break a piece off.  I didn't offer to replace it.  And ds has had other kids break his toys (stepping on them accidentally was the problem a few times.  The kids must just have a bad sense of where they are in the world).  Other than stepping on them, it's not often that it is a major break that can't be fixed or means the item can no longer be used at all.   

Now, I will declutter or rotate toys to limit how much of a mess can be created.  I'll pull out different things according to what age kids I expect.  We'll put toys that are more fragile or more important to ds someplace else during playdates.  These days, clean up after having 10 kids over for 3 hours takes 20 minutes, at most.  There are only a few category of toys that they use so it's just a matter of getting them back into their bins.  

I rather think having young kids play by themselves in one of their rooms, in which all the toys are stored, is asking for a mess.  Kids like to see what all the host kid has and they pull everything out just to see what there is.  I tend to have the kids play in the living room which is also where we store the bulk of the in-rotation toys.  

[Tamsin]

I dont insist that kids clean up after a playdate at my house, I'm happy to do it after they are gone. I did have a boy that used to break my daughters toys on a regular basis, so then I used to make sure that they didnt play in the bedroom alone. If they wanted to go and get a toy/toys to play with that was fine then they could bring them out into the living area. Then when they wanted something else, you can suggest that they take the first toy/toys back before they got something else, to keep the mess to a minimum.

I'm also very upfront/matter of fact, so I would just say "no playing in the bedroom kids, daughter has had a lot of toys broken recently and I would like you all to play out here". Then if the friend asks I would tell them what got broken and by whom.

I do offer to replace broken toys/items, but I do that out of courtesy and dont really expect my friends to take me up on the offer. I dont really expect someone to replace my kids broken toys either.

I certainly will make my kids help to clean up before leaving a friends house if the host asks or if I notice they have gotten something out and left it laying everywhere. But mostly amongst my friends the host does the clean up.

[Pookietooth]

In some cases the mom knew and didn't offer, to replace it, but sometimes she did insist that her dd apologize. I wouldn't have taken her up on it in most cases, anyway. The problem with having them play in the living room is our living room is rather cramped (we live in an apartment) and they like to jump around a lot and knock things over. But I guess that's probably better than what she's done in his room -- she has at least twice sprayed or sprinkled colored water on his bed, written on his bed and on dollar bills (not play money either), emptied out his cash register and thrown the play money everywhere, taken photos out of a photo album, took every book off his bookshelf, cursing at each one, and lead him in taping things to the ceiling. I haven't always said anything to her mom because it's often later on that I find out about it. Sigh. I guess I just have to insist on their playing in the living room. Thanks everyone for the advice.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by Pookietooth 

In some cases the mom knew and didn't offer, to replace it, but sometimes she did insist that her dd apologize. I wouldn't have taken her up on it in most cases, anyway. The problem with having them play in the living room is our living room is rather cramped (we live in an apartment) and they like to jump around a lot and knock things over. But I guess that's probably better than what she's done in his room -- she has at least twice sprayed or sprinkled colored water on his bed, written on his bed and on dollar bills (not play money either), emptied out his cash register and thrown the play money everywhere, taken photos out of a photo album, took every book off his bookshelf, cursing at each one, and lead him in taping things to the ceiling. I haven't always said anything to her mom because it's often later on that I find out about it. Sigh. I guess I just have to insist on their playing in the living room. Thanks everyone for the advice.

Uh, yeah.  Or meet at a playground.  

That kid doesn't sound like she has much impulse control...  I suppose it's a good lesson for your ds that he needs to use his own common sense and tell her not to damage his things or deal with the consequences of his room being messed up.  Sometimes my ds doesn't know how to handle things and we practice things he can say in similar situations, when his friends are playing in ways that bother him (like jumping in front of him sledding and throwing snowballs in his face on purpose).  A little role playing in advance might help your son, next time, assuming he isn't happy with the usual state of affairs.  

[mamazee]

Messes happen.  A little bit before the kids leave, I remind everyone to work on cleaning, and hopefully they at least do a semi-decent job, but my daughter and I often finish cleaning. I'm OK with that.

As for broken toys, it depends on the specifics.  Toys do break during play and if it just broke I would not expect replacement. The lifespan of a well played with toy isn't forever.  If it were broken on perfect or if someone were unreasonably rough, I would tell the parents, though I would not necessarily expect them to replace it either.  I have stopped having kids come over to play inside who broke toys if it was done on purpose.