Getting RAD teenager back in a month

[Emmons]

Can't seem to find a place to bounce off ideas as a sounding board.  This is the closest I can find.  Wish "we" (RAD foster parents) had a functioning Facebook page. 

She is 13 and coming back next month.  Previously she had punched me in the face (I didn't need stitches, barely).  That was the worst of it.  Daily life is stressful.  We want her to be able to navigate her future successfully.  That being a broad term. The thought of her returning causes my muscles to tense.  Torn between losing my nice sweet self and her significantly limited future options if she stays where she is. 

Does anyone know anyone else who raised a RAD kid and still feels good about how it turned out.  I know we are all in here because we are in the fray.  Limited communities.  Could use a "village" right now:)  Elders, my age and just starting outs.

I feel a drift an open sea

can anyone see me

how can I help someone so small

who doesn't even want my help at all

Am I helping or making it worse

and who put her under this curse

my anger flares at the injustice

her choice is just this

the system or our family

but she refuses to see

drenched in pain, cloaked in anger

she offers nothing but danger

how does one give a spark? a glimmer?  a moment of clarity?

to one so small and unwilling to see?

why can't she just get over it

grab the opportunity, seize it?

[Tigerchild]

I think the key may be to have brutally open-eyed expectations.

If you're hoping for a fairy tale ending, probably not.

If you would be happy with some contact even after she leaves your house, as well as an opportunity to help sooner with the next generation (her children)...that may be possible.  but it's not up to just you.

What kind of support system do YOU have?  While I have not had long term placements of teens personally, I have worked long term with homeless youth organizations and in corrections, so I have had kids/young adults in my life on a regular basis that I consider "mine."  The only way I was able to function was to have a support system/outlet for myself, so that I did not get stuck on the endless helpless negativity feedback loop.  For me, it was pounding clay/chopping underbrush so I could get out the rage/frustration when the people I wanted to pound/smack were the johns/pimps/kids who made yet another stupid/horrific decision.  People who I could hang with who would not constantly prod me for salacious details or do the gross zOMG you're so wonderful for working with THOSE people BS.  A few people, mostly co-workers, who I could process with safely.  A spiritual community that kept me centered.  A therapist.

I did get out of that line of things when I had one kid in particular that just crushed my heart.  But looking back on things, yes, I am satisified with what I did, proud of being there, wouldn't take it back.  I think only because I had strong support from multiple areas that allowed me to not be bitter and to process safely, though.