What do you think?

[themilkyway]

I'm thinking about leaving my partner/baby daddy. It really sucks trying to figure out what is best for the baby and I. I have been in limbo with what to do since April, when our baby was 4 months old. I know that the first year (or so) after having a baby isn't an easy time in any relationship, but sometimes I feel like this just isn't normal. A little backstory, he is currently on Paxil, for some reason his Doctor prescribed it even though he is under 25 (24) and it can have severe adverse reactions in people under 25, including side effects like anger, irritability, etc. He is currently weaning himself off of it but is still taking some. But it seems like there is always an excuse for his behavior- before Paxil, it was his job that he hated and worked 45+ hours a week at. He can just be very nasty toward me sometimes, can be very mean, telling me to f off, and when he gets mad at me and we argue he always brings up sarcastically "what a hard worker I am" (I'm a SAHM, although I do work per diem, picking up a few shifts a month), and alludes to me not doing anything all day. Later on after we've cooled off he will apologize and say he "knows how much I do every day and that it isn't easy," but if so then why does he say it in the first place?!?!! It just makes me feel like his apologies are empty, just words trying to make me not be mad anymore. His moods just seem very extreme, he will go from being mellow and sweet to cranky and mean at the drop of a hat. Take last night for example, he was being all nice and stuff, then when we put the babe to bed and had our "couple friends" over, he started just saying these mean comments to me, and actually told me to go f myself in front of them- kinda jokingly, but thats just not something you should say to your lady. Then as soon as they're gone he's all sweet again, at which point I say "Oh so now you're going to be nice to me," and say goodnight, and go to bed. This cycle just keeps occuring, and it's really wearing on me. I feel so defeated sometimes, like just crappy. It's like, when it's good it's so good, and when it's bad it's horrible and I just want to leave. I don't want my son to grow up with divorced parents, but I also don't want him to grow up and think it's okay to talk to people the way his dad does and it breaks my heart. My partner also seems to have a problem with women, his mom was a SAHM that *didn't* do her job, attend to her children, or clean or anything, and he could say whatever to his mom and she didn't care. UGH. I feel like because I've been debating this for so long I should just do it already, but I feel like I am always wating for the timing to be right. Whatever that means. I was ready to leave him last week, then he comes home from work with flowers, apologizing, being all nice. And I feel so confused again. I've never had a boyfriend ever speak to me like this, and it really bothers me, I just know it's borderline normal for him, which is kind of scary. I just want to do the right thing, I'm just not 100% sure what that is yet. If I were to leave I think I would have to live with my parents for awhile (they live about 3 hours away), so that I could work and pay minimal child care and rent, and save up, and pay off my credit card debt and student loans.  I know how to get in contact with volunteer lawyers and stuff, which I plan on doing, I just was looking for your POV and if you have been in a similar situation how you dealt with it. I am just really confused and don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone in real life about this because honestly, I am too embarrassed to.

PS: If I've posted this in the wrong section, let me know because if so I will move it... fairly new here

ETA details

[hillymum]

It sounds to me like counciling would help both of you. He needs to go on his own as well as you going together. There are many things you could both learn, about yourselves and how your reaction can change the course of a discussion from an argument to a really good conection. A qualified coucilor could also assess his depression and make a better choice of medication. If he wasn't making any attempts to make nice my answer would be different.

[themilkyway]

Yeah I think you're right, I definitely need to look into finding a good counselor for us.

[doubledutch]

this is abuse, and you should not go to couples counseling.   you should go ALONE.  (he should too, but that's really beside the point.)  you going on your own will help you figure out what you want to do and why you are in this relationship.  i know it's hard to think of someone you love as being abusive, and it's hard to accept the idea that you could be in an abusive relationship.  even if you don't want to put that label on it, his behavior is not okay.  you are not going to change how he behaves.  are you willing to accept it?  if so, why?  and what are you teaching your child about partnership by staying in this relationship?  couple of resources linked below:

http://compassionpower.com/EmotionalAbuseQuiz.php

self-evaluation

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm

the cycle of abuse - how it is that this can be considered abuse even though "when it's good, it's so good" . . . that is part of the abuse.

[Halfasianmomma]

I have to agree with doubledutch. She knows what she's talking about...and gotta say, as the former spouse of a verbally abusive partner, so do I.

You're being emotionally and verbally abused.

Trust your instinct. If you want to leave, then explore that avenue and research it thoroughly. Talk to lawyers about your rights and obligations, especially since you'd be moving away. If you move that far away, the onus would be on you to provide travel for visitation. That is, of course, dependant on how much visitation your partner would want.

FTR, I too moved out from the apartment I shared with my XH, and moved back in with my parents. It provided my child with stability and gave me the opportunity to pay off all the debts I'd accumulatd by being with XH. In the 16 months since I left, I've paid off all my debts, save for my student loans, I've done a great deal to improve my credit, I've put DD in an AWESOME educational daycare, got sole custody/divorced, managed to save up a lot and have gone back to do some graduate work, all while working full-time. If you have the option to move in with your folks (and IF they are supportive of you), it may be a good way to "start over".

But still, talk to one lawyer (or three).

[marinak1977]

OP. to you. From my (admittedly limited) experience - this post is throwing major red flags. He is emotionally abusive, and since he started to put you down in front of friends he is escalating. By doing it in front of others he is getting validation of his abuse, and acting remorseful is a typical part of the abuse cycle. I'm sending you hugs, and second the suggestion to go to counseling by yourself so that you can see things clearly. It sounds like you have a good backup plan in place, I'm hoping that you can find a safe haven.

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma 

You're being emotionally and verbally abused.

    This sounds a lot like my relationship with my ex before our DD was born and the abuse escalated to include physical abuse and much more rapid cycling.

IMHO when abuse is present especially when their are children involved (in the home not necessarily with the abuse aimed at them) you need a physical and emotional separation immediately. If both parties are 100% committed and participate in individual counseling followed by couples counseling later there could be a future for the relationship but it takes A LOT of work by all parties. And abusers rarely change. The longer you stay the harder it seems to leave.

I took a different path. One I do not recommend. Insisted on couples counseling. He got no individual counseling. I hid the facts about how sever the emotional and verbal abuse was (and the few incidents of physical abuse) and that he began regularly physically abusing me from the counselor out of fear of loosing my child. Never do this. It was only once I attended some crisis individual counseling at another agency that I knew I had to leave and began taking the steps to prepare to safely leave. My ex keeps on attempting to carry on the cycle of abuse but now I refuse to engage. He will never change. Now I concern myself with providing our daughter will the tools to protect herself should she ever have the need.

I have learned the hard way that it is much better to be happy alone then miserable and alone with a partner.

Edited by BabyBearsMummy - 2/14/11 at 4:00pm