DD's playmate bribes her with food - how to handle?

[acupuncturemomma]

I feel really strongly against bribing my child with food, so how should I handle it when someone else does?

DD ( 4 y.o.) was having a hard time sharing with her playmate/neighbor (5 y.o.) so he said, "If you will take turns with me you can gave a cookie when we get home!" DD, of course, took the bribe happily. I said nothing at the time to DD, her playmate, or playmate's mom, who was with us as well. This has happened more than once with this particular family.

I tried to talk to DD about it later, telling her that sharing is something we do because it's the right thing to do and is a way to be a nice playmate; that it's not something we should do in order to get a treat. But I think she is too young to "get it."

Am I just being too uptight? Any insight would be much appreciated!

[One_Girl]

If you want your dd to share then I think in that situation you should step in and ask her to share.  If she isn't in a sharing mood and it is affecting the playdate in a negative way then I would say you should end the playdate and try again later, if you can offer the child something else to use or do then I think you should try that.  I don't think that it is right for you to let her get the cookie later in exchange for sharing because that is teaching her to only share and be a friend when she gets something good in return and it teaches the other child that your child will only be friendly if she gets stuff from other kids.  I suggest saying something like "you don't have to give dd things, she is your friend because she likes you.  She isn't ready to share x right now but lets check again in a few minutes and see if she is then."  I think that lets the child and mom know that you don't support your dd learning that friendship means using people and that you are going to support sharing in an age appropriate way.  When she does share I think you should take a quick moment to point out how happy her friend looks when she is sharing. 

[chattyprincess]

Did the neighbor child actually give the "bribe" mentioned? Dd (4.5) is at an age where she tells us "if you do this I'll give you a....xyz" lol. Which is hysterical since those words have never crossed our lips. She just finds it funny to say and laughs herself silly once said. She never follows through (half the time she says things like double sugar, or carrot pie etc...things she doesn't have or even have access to.).

I think children need to learn thier own dynamics in relationships as well. Tell your daughter that sometimes people say things to get things and don't follow through or that in our family sharing is something we do out of kindness not to get something in return.(example, donating to help people or giving a bday gift etc) I think every friendship (even a childs) has its own dynamic and we have to let our children explore how to exert themselves and behave in that situation.

I think if it continues and your dd doesn't truly understand or know how to handle it you should just say to the neighbor laughing  (kindly) "oh so and so your so silly, we share to be kind! Everyone will have a treat later anyways so maybe we could take turns" and just keep reinforcing this dialouge with this child....they will get it you won't come off as mean and you also let your dd know that even if she doesn't want to share she will still get a "treat" whatever that might be...snack, dinner etc.

[4evermom]

I wouldn't worry about it too much in that context.  It isn't as if he is a teacher or caregiver...  But I don't like that sort of thing, either.  I'd encourage dd to share or leave the toy at home, next time, because that way people enjoy playing with us.  I never made my ds share, however.  He tended to be willing because he loved having a playmate.  Next time, bring a bag of cookies along to share so they aren't a persuasive item, lol.

[acupuncturemomma]

Originally Posted by One_Girl 

If you want your dd to share then I think in that situation you should step in and ask her to share.  If she isn't in a sharing mood and it is affecting the playdate in a negative way then I would say you should end the playdate and try again later

  I suggest saying something like "you don't have to give dd things, she is your friend because she likes you.  She isn't ready to share x right now but lets check again in a few minutes and see if she is then."  I think that lets the child and mom know that you don't support your dd learning that friendship means using people and that you are going to support sharing in an age appropriate way.

Yes, I tried stepping in to have them take turns (they were battling over who got to push DS's stroller.) Couldn't really end the playdate because we were out on a hike in our rural neighborhood, and we all still had to walk home! They ended up working it out by pushing each other in the stroller (I had DS on my back.) But I wonder if DD was more willing to cooperate because of the bribe...

Thanks, I like your suggestion for what to say--this is exactly the kind of thing I wish I had said in the moment!

Originally Posted by chattyprincess 

Did the neighbor child actually give the "bribe" mentioned?

I think children need to learn thier own dynamics in relationships as well. Tell your daughter that sometimes people say things to get things and don't follow through or that in our family sharing is something we do out of kindness not to get something in return.(example, donating to help people or giving a bday gift etc) I think every friendship (even a childs) has its own dynamic and we have to let our children explore how to exert themselves and behave in that situation.

I think if it continues and your dd doesn't truly understand or know how to handle it you should just say to the neighbor laughing  (kindly) "oh so and so your so silly, we share to be kind! Everyone will have a treat later anyways so maybe we could take turns" and just keep reinforcing this dialouge with this child....they will get it you won't come off as mean and you also let your dd know that even if she doesn't want to share she will still get a "treat" whatever that might be...snack, dinner etc.

Yes, the bribe was given.

Well said, thanks!

Originally Posted by 4evermom 

I wouldn't worry about it too much in that context.  It isn't as if he is a teacher or caregiver...  But I don't like that sort of thing, either.  I'd encourage dd to share or leave the toy at home, next time, because that way people enjoy playing with us.  I never made my ds share, however.  He tended to be willing because he loved having a playmate.  Next time, bring a bag of cookies along to share so they aren't a persuasive item, lol.

Thanks for the input. I think I'm extra sensitive because we've had several issues with this particular family due to the fact that our parenting styles are quite different.