I can't take anymore (Potty issues)

[crazyms]

I'm at my wits end with my kids. They don't mind, they destroy the house when they know better. It's a disaster. The biggest issue though is DD. She's 5 and STILL NOT potty trained. She knows how to use the potty. She started potty training around 2 and did really well for a while and then kind of let it go. I left it alone because DS was a baby and I figured she may just not be ready yet. She has accidents at night which I'm really not worried about because that's a night and maybe she just needs more time to get better about waking up to go. Fine. I can deal with that. She has 'accident's during the day though. She's too old for this! She knows how to use the bathroom. She knows when she has to go. She doesn't have any accidents with poop. She can also hold it when she needs to (like if we're in town and she says she needs to go she can hold it until we get to the store/home/somewhere for her to potty). I'm not worried about an occasional accident though if she has to hold it to get to a potty. I can understand if that happens. This is during the day at home though. The potty is there so she doesn't have to wait. Why won't she just go? And to make matters worse I keep pull ups for her at night. She'll sneak and put them on during the day and then if she has an 'accident' she'll hide the pull up!!! Why? Why? WHY? Why does she refuse to use the bathroom when I know she can? I really don't believe that anything is wrong with her medically or anything. Dh has suggested that we get her tested to make sure but I don't think anything is wrong considering she can hold it when she needs to and such. I'm honestly afraid to take her and get her tested because if they say nothing is wrong it's just going to make me angrier with her. I don't know what to do with her. I don't know how to make her stop this. And to make matters worse I occasionally freak out and yell at her about it. She of course gets upset and apologizes and she'll do good using the bathroom for a day or maybe a week. Then I guess she figures I forgot about it and she'll go back to having her little 'accidents'. I don't know what to do. It's seriously starting to affect my relationship with her. Please help.

[philomom]

Do you love your pediatrician? Cause if you do, you can call them up and tell them the issue and take your child in for a "chat with the doctor". I did this on my kids a couple of times for different issues. Somehow having someone other than mom tell them what's normal and expected helps enormously. Also, she needs other five year olds around. She'll quickly see that this is inappropriate for her big girl self. The other "trick" in my hat was to have my child development textbook from college that shows what kids master when. "See, the book says that at four years kids have potty mastery and you are five already. " Let that sink in a bit and see if she comes round.

[One_Girl]

My dd did this at that age and I found that there were two big contributing causes, juice and taking baths instead of showers (it was especially bad when she had bubble bath).  I did first take her into the doctor to make sure she didn't have anything wrong then I started tracking and eliminating common triggers until I found the cause.  Have you thought about getting rid of the pull-ups for a week to see what happens?  Accidents can be a great way for kids to discover their body cues and learn to hold in their pee or wake up and use the bathroom at night. 

Have you asked your dd if there is a reason she doesn't want to use the bathroom?  My dd had a very brief period where she was certain that Bloody Mary was in the bathroom to kill her and she had a couple accidents that week.  I talked to her about that being a story and stayed close by the bathroom until she was over her belief in that story.  If you can sit her down and have ask her some questions about what is going on without losing your cool then I really suggest you do that because there may be a simple solution.  I also think you really need to get physical problems ruled out.  I do a lot of visualization when a topic is likely to make me go over the deep end and that often helps me keep to one nice response instead of the response that comes naturally to me.

[averlee]

I think rather than waiting for her to feel the need to go, tell her frequently that it's time to pee. Have her sit on the potty for a little bit and give it a try. Just like with a very little one, maybe give her a small reward for making a pee in the potty- a sticker, a chocolate chip, etc. I think have her sit on the toilet as soon as she wakes, see if you can catch that first pee before she even knows it's coming. Similarly, take her to the bathroom every time you go, and have her try. And about 20 minutes after each cup of water/juice/milk. And about every hour all day long....And, every time she has an accident, rush her to the bathroom, sit her on the potty. 

I agree about ditching the pull-ups. Instead, use a waterproof matress cover and keep a stack of clean fitted sheets and pajama pants next to her bed. No pull-ups means no sneaking. Sneaking shows she's embarrassed, ashamed, or afraid of getting in trouble- show her to throw the dirty pull-ups in the trash if you decide to keep them in the house.

Another idea, is to start potty training your younger one too, and make a big happy deal about it when he goes in the potty. Boys love to pee on stuff, put a froot-loop in the toilet and let him aim. His big sister will most likely want to do something easy enough for her baby brother to do.

[peaceful_mama]

I have a 4 year old who still sometimes has accidents too.  I felt the same way for awhile that the kids didn't listen to ANYTHING etc.  There was a LOT of stress in our lives the last couple years.

DD hasn't had an accident for awhile now, and just I think 2 days ago informed me she is big and doesn't pee her pants anymore....we shall see.

I too keep pull ups for night.

I did take mine to a urologist after a year or so of working on potty training and many periods of frequent accidents.  She also would hold herself standing next to the toilet and cry...I was CONVINCED she had UTI....ped told me no, and that she'd grow out of the accidents.

After a year or so, he referred us.  She had a test where they put her under for about 5 minutes to look at her bladder.  She did NOT have intersitial cystitis--which is a chronic irritation that causes a lot of pain like a UTI but isn't bacterial....she DID have a very narrow urethra, which the doctor widened while she was under.  It bled that day, but after that, she had no pain, and she went from having 1-2 accidents a DAY to very infrequent even though she still wets at night.

The unfortunate part in all this is I got angry with her too.....and for a short while she was using accidents as "revenge" when she'd get in trouble!  Like one day, I sent her to her room for something, and we'd JUST had the carpets cleaned---"ha ha I peed on the floor!" cause she KNEW this would ROYALLY tick me off.....

that too *seems* to have passed....been a month or so since I've seen that one.