are we letting baby cry it out by accident?

[LHcj2008]

My son is 5 1/2 weeks old and is a HUGE comfort nurser. To the point where, if he is awake, he is pretty much nursing, or fussing/crying b/c he wants to nurse. This happened today even after my husband gave him quite a large bottle of breastmilk (~4 oz) while I took my first trip out of the house alone in 5 weeks (!). When I came home after he had had the bottle and he saw me, he started smacking his lips together...sigh. So I don't think it is that he is still hungry, and I've pretty much deduced that it is the comfort factor vs. hunger.

Anyway, he wants to nurse to sleep every time he is tired, and when I'm home alone with him I will nurse him until he sleeps, often for 2 whole hours! I've learned to just pop in a movie and let him suck away. It takes 2 hours because he will wake right back up if I pop him off after he falls asleep at the breast, and then the whole cycle starts back over. It's exhausting. He is a stubborn little guy! So, when my husband is home, he will shush him to sleep as in Happiest Baby On the Block b/c he learned that that works for him every time. However, it often involves our baby crying for a good 20 minutes until he eventually gives in and falls asleep. None of this shushing occurs without my husband holding the baby in his arms or in the Moby and rocking him/walking around with him, so it is not like he is left alone. However, it still makes me so sad that he cries that long. If he is comfort nursing with me, of course he isn't crying...he stops when I unsnap the nursing bra! However, my nipples just can't keep up with 2 hour nursing sessions until he falls asleep, on top of regular feedings round the clock, and then I hold him for all of his naps since he will wake up if I put him down, so it pretty much means I don't move all day. My husband getting him to fall asleep is a big help for me and my nipples physically, but emotionally I can't help but feel as if we are creating our own version of "CIO"...even though it doesn't involve leaving him alone in a crib.

Am I overanalyzing? Naturally I feel guilty every time he cries and I can't silence him immediately, and at the same time I know it is not realistic to be able to comfort him immediately 100% of the time. I know I feel a little burned out by his constant need to nurse, and we've learned when he is overtired and needs to sleep but doesn't know how other than nursing. Part of me feels I should just put my selfishness aside and give in to his desire to nurse all day so that he doesn't have to cry much. But it's exhausting!! I'm very against having our baby cry it out, so it occurred to me tonight that we may be having him do this without intending to.

Thoughts?

[LHcj2008]

For instance, just now, after 30 min of my husband shushing and rocking our baby while he fought sleep, I couldn't take it anymore and had DH give him to me so I could nurse him. He nursed for 30 min, fell into what sleeped like a deep sleep at my breast, so I moved him to my chest, and within 3 min. he was awake and crying to nurse/rooting again. Sigh.

[tzs]

no way jose. it's not CIO if you are there comforting him. i also think that it's easy to get into the mindset that "we just have to stop them from crying" instead of focusing on meeting their needs. sounds like you are doing everything you can to meet his needs. there's even some fancy shmancy theorist out there that i haven;t read that talks about "crying in arms" and how we should meet there needs and make them comfortable but by not pulling out every stop just to shut off the noise we are validating their feelings. that's a horrible paraphrase b/c like i said, i just pretend to know what i'm talking about....plus, it's hard not to want to stop the crying. ugh!

for what it;'s worth, the 6 week-ish age is a tough time and a big growth spurt. we went through a huge cluster feeding phase at that point where i couldn;t even get out of bed until 2pm...she was just constantly feeding. it will pass sooner than you think. try to put your feet up and pop in a movie and realize you;re doing an awesome job (and hubby too if he's taking teh load off!)

[tzs]

oh and p.s. my babe cried when tired for naps way up until at least 6 months. all i could do is hold her really tight with a blanket and sway her side to side pretty intensely. she would cry until she konked out. it's just what she needed.

[motherhendoula]

Will he take  a pacifier at all?  Im not sure if your comfortable with them or not - my LO is not quite as sensitive as yours, but he too will fall asleep at the breast and refuse to be moved all day ...   sometimes..i can pop the nipple out of his mouth and stick the paci in while his eyes are still closed...i still cant get up, but it does help with the nipple soreness

It really sounds like you are doing everything a mother could be doing in your situation - stop feeling guilty and embrace new ways of soothing the baby!

[Sfcmama]

Go team! You guys are doing amazing, IMO!
When I think of "CIO", I think of two things:
1) what are you teaching the baby? Are you saying "sorry, deal with it on your own"? Or are you saying " I hear that you are having really strong feelings right now and it will be ok because I am here to support you and help you learn to tolerate/manage/overcome these feelings"?
2) how would I like to be treated when I'm crying? Would I like to be left alone when I might be unable to help myself? Or would I like to be with someone even if they can't "fix the problem" immediately. Personally, I have a strong need to feel heard and not alone.
Those are my thoughts. Dd is almost a year and she still fusses a bit when daddy puts her down. There's a threshold that we have and if she reaches it (rare these days) then I come back in with boobs at the ready. Congrats on handling a tough situation! It'll be over before you know it.

[treeoflife3]

that was about the time I decided I NEEDED to start using a soothie.  it was a lifesaver up til around... 6 months?  5?  when she refused to take it anymore.  It helped with sleeping and comfort nursing both.  I never thought I'd be a paci user but I couldn't stand having kiddo on me non.stop.

I don't think it is CIO to have baby crying when you are doing all you can (and yes, if you NEED the break from marathon nursing and you choose not to once in awhile, I do think it still counts as doing all you can.) for the little one.

like pp said.. 6 weeks is a rough age.  Honestly, up til 9 months was rough for me haha.  You just do the best you can and I think so long as you do that, everything will be okay.

[LHcj2008]

Thank you so much for your support! I love this website. As a first-time mom, I've been surprised by how difficult it has been to hear my baby cry for more than a few minutes (even that amount is hard). He has this cry that can build up and then there is this point where he opens his mouth and nothing comes out for a minute or two b/c he is bracing for a huge squealing wail...it breaks my heart.

As I'm writing this, my baby is doing just that with my DH in his nursery, and my husband is holding him and rocking him and shushing him. This is about an hour from my most recent post, and since then I've continued to nurse him, and he still won't fall asleep and now I'm convinced he is very much over-tired.

In response to your questions/suggestions, we have tried a pacifier, even though I was extremely reluctant since he is EBF and I didn't want it to become a crutch or interfere with that. I waited until about 4.5 weeks to try a few kinds (this fussiness has been going on since about week 3 when he seemingly had a huge growth spurt), and he rejected them all except the NUK latex one (hates silicone). However, it has been no miracle cure for him and he seems tolerant of it at best. He takes it every now and then but not for long and it definitely doesn't typically put it to sleep. However, I will try the whole "switch the nipple for the paci" move once he falls asleep at the breast...that may help him stay asleep in the future.

I am right with you, Sfcmama...my signature move is to try to cope with the cries as long as I can, and once I can't anymore I tell my husband to hand him over and I get out the boobs for another 2 hours of comfort nursing.

Glad to hear you don't think we are doing anything potentially harmful here. We are trying to help him get to sleep vs. leaving him alone to figure it out for himself. I just don't like the crying that goes along with it!

[treeoflife3]

The crying is definitely awful.  I still can't hear a little one cry without having the weirdest reaction of wanting to put them to breast.  It doesn't matter who the infant is... if I hear one cry I just have this really strong urge to FIX it.  I babysat a friend's infant a couple times and it was so strange trying to care for a little one without the breast!  my body kept telling me to do it haha.

[tzs]

keep it up with the nuk. mine didn't take to them right away either....had to use my finger, then a tiny finger-shaped paci, then nuk. she did also reject it around 7 months or so...no biggie...it got us through.

what also really helped us (because i don;t even remember her taking a "real" nap for weeks or maybe months) was the book "healthy sleep habits, happy child." the newborn section is great about timing naps. i believe it was to watch for signs of tiredness 60-90 minutes after the last nap. knowing the 60-90 minutes part was key for me because my sleep-fighting kid didn't really show signs of needing to sleep...or else i missed them. i really had no idea how they were supposed to be sleeping. it helped not only with daytime sleep but also the good naps helped with nighttime stuff. alot of the time i'd kind of lose the "groove" by late afternoon but at least we had some great mornings. be warned that this guy is a CIO advocate starting at an older age so i recommend either ignoring that part of his advice or just reading the info for the first few months. really the timing of sleep was key for that newborn stage and for the older ages i kind of knew what to expect in terms of when they'd go to 3 naps and then to 2 and now down to one and how to space them throughout the day. 

[MacKinnon]

Although my current babe isn't a big comfort nurser, my big two were. We use to call it "faking them out". I would nurse them to sleep and slowly unlatch them and swap the nipple for a binky, keeping them right in nursing position, on my breast. With this baby, we went through just about every paci possible to find the right one for her- we use the Soothie or Gumdrops. The other two both took Nuk's.

I will note that I was careful to wait until our latch was well established, and my milk supply was never an issue.

[lookatreestar]

woah, 20 minutes is way too long imo. honestly baby won't be comfort nursing like this forever. i guess i don't get what you mean by your nipples can't deal with it either, but then again mine have never been sensitive. some babies nurse a lot, and like a pp said this is a huge time for growth spurting. if baby stops crying when the breast appears to me that is huge. (my dn had colic and no amount of nursing would make it so she wouldn't cry to sleep). have you tried swaddling? it is normal for baby to wake when you try to put him/her down. a lot of babies like to snuggle.

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/normal/frequent-nursing.html

from the link above:

 

First of all, do know that frequent nursing is normal and expected in the early months - most newborns need to nurse at least 8 - 12 times per day. Frequent nursing is also needed -- to avoid/reduce engorgement in the early days, to nourish and grow a baby who has a stomach the size of his fist but who needs to double his weight within 5-6 months, to establish a good milk supply for mom, and to help a baby who has been cradled close and warm inside mom for 9 months adjust to life in the outside world. Frequent nursing may sometimes be a warning sign of inefficient milk transfer or low milk supply, but if baby has good diaper output, is gaining well and is generally happy and healthy, then the frequent nursing is unlikely to be a sign of a problem.

Remember that nursing is not just about food - it's also warmth, closeness, reassurance, comfort, healing, love... Nursing has been shown to reduce stress and pain in baby, too. If you're feeling that baby shouldn't be hungry again so soon - remember that it's sometimesMom that baby needs just as much as the milk.

[tzs]

this last poster reminded me what somebody once told me about the benefits of nursing......that yeah yeah yeah.....we know how beneficial nursing is to the baby but it is also shown to be beneficial to the mother in that it FORCES you to rest (well, if rest includes dehydration and nipple soreness ;) )  

if you have to spend hours in bed with your babe it really is doing good things for your body when it needs it most.

[waiting2bemommy]

First of all it is totally and completely 100% normal for a 6 wk old baby to be attached to your boob 24/7. So there is nothing wrong with you or him!

However it is also normal and understandable that you want to occasionally pee, eat or walk around without a 10 lb barracuda attached lol.

I personally don't consider it CIO if you are holding the baby AND you know that this method works to eventually soothe him. Some babies need to release their stress that way. MY ds was not like that....my dd is. If you are holding the baby and he is simply crying himself to sleep out of exhaustion from crying, then I would look a little deeper to find the root of the crying.

It is possible to overfeed a baby if you have a lot of milk and a really responsive body....does he spit up? My ds used to occasionally overfeed when he comfort nursed the first 6 wks and my milk supply was adjutsing, I would get multiple letdowns while he nursed for hours on end, and this resulted in him getting a lot of foremilk and not enough hindmilk, and then he was gassy. For me pumping a little before feeding him or block feeding him (feeding him several times on the same side) and using a paci or my finger or a teether was really helpful until my milk supply was straightened out. and he never turned into a paci addict.

Also you said that he cries when being rocked or in the moby. Is he in a prone position? He may be a little bit refluxy and might do better upright. It is possible to carry the baby upright in the wrap but it is kind of tricky at 6 wks. I did it with my dd though because she had what I suspect was reflux for a while. Reflux can also cause babies tpo want to suck constantly because it eases the pain. So you may want to look into that.

It might not be popular here, but both of my kids were stomach sleepers from day 1. It made a huge difference int he quality of their sleep, and since we were cosleeping I didn't worry too much about the SIDS factor since I was always in close proximity to monitor their breathing. dd slept swaddled on her side or stomach and loved it. ds didn't care for the swaddle (and honestly it made me nervous at frist, laying a swaddled baby on her tummy). If you do ever get to put him down, lol, you might try that. 

Also white noise....we just go on youtube and search white noise and play the same segment over and over to get dd to calm down and/or sleep. radio static works too.

I don't know if any of that was helpful, good luck!

[L J]

I could have written your post 4 years ago. My son wanted to stay latched on, literally, 20 hours a day some days. He wouldn't even be nursing, or suckling, just holding my nipple between his lips. It drove me so crazy, because I couldn't nurse laying down and all I wanted to do was lay down and stretch out for an hour. It was exhausting. It slowly did get better, though.

I don't think its CIO unless you are leaving your child with no comfort. If Daddy is holding him and doing things that do comfort, then IMO, you are good to go. Sometimes, you just need a break, and I think thats A-OK.

[lookatreestar]

if he is crying/squealing that much, then he is getting too worked up for a newborn IMO. it is unneeded stress. (for you and baby!) he wants to nurse and i think newborns should get whatever they want LOL. an older toddler maybe not so much. it would be one thing if baby was crying, refusing to nurse, didn't want a paci, or anything else. (that was my niece- she never fell asleep at the breast. not even once). but really having a baby that falls asleep at the boob is so easy later on down the road...maybe practice side lying nursing? it saved my sanity and my back. some days dh would leave for work before the sun came up, come home at sun down and i'd be in my same spot on the sofa- only gotten up to grab food or use the bathroom. it does get easier, they sleep for longer periods of time, you will be able to nurse him down and sneak away etc. the only thing with the paci is yes you can train him to like it/use it but then you have to break the habit down the road-kinda crazy if you ask me  oh and i am not sure where you are located but going outside worked wonders for my tiny babies, something about the outdoors would quiet them while i got a tiny break. hang in there!

[katelove]

Originally Posted by MacKinnon 

 keeping them right in nursing position, on my breast. 

We did this fairly often. I have a twin feeding pillow - one of the horseshoe-shaped ones which wrap around your body and I would just let her lay there against my chest. Or, sometimes, ease her onto her tummy on the pillow. 

This is the pillow. It's firmer than some I tried so provides good arm support as well.

http://www.urbanbaby.com.au/epages/ecomm5000.sf/en_AU/?ObjectPath=/Shops/UrbanBaby/Products/MBNPT

[LittleBirdy]

I have to say, I wish I had been brave enough to try and let daddy comfort when DS was that age.  I would say for the first 4-6 weeks do whatever it takes to stop his crying, but at this age I do think it's appropriate to try other things from time to time.  When the baby is older, there will be a variety of things that will comfort him and this will help you from feeling burnt out later on.

Crying in arms is NOT the same thing as CIO.

That being said, watch out for that six week growth spurt and be sure it's not just comfort nursing he's looking for. 

[Knitting Mama]

While I agree that holding a baby in arms is not CIO, I have to agree with the posters who say that he really should be able to nurse as often as necessary this early on. If he calms down and sleeps well nursing but cries for 20 minutes when dad holds him to get him down, then it sounds like he needs the comfort of the breast to sleep-- which is normal, especially this early in his life!

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama 

While I agree that holding a baby in arms is not CIO, I have to agree with the posters who say that he really should be able to nurse as often as necessary this early on. If he calms down and sleeps well nursing but cries for 20 minutes when dad holds him to get him down, then it sounds like he needs the comfort of the breast to sleep-- which is normal, especially this early in his life!

I agree.

Also, that need you feel to comfort him when he cries.  You know, that one that gives you ants in your pants and makes you want to rush over and grab him?  It's completely OK to listen to that feeling! I cannot imagine ignoring it. You will not spoil him.

I really like this essay by a pediatrician (pm me if you aren't on facebook). http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dr-Jen-4-Kids/195291585574#!/note.php?note_id=162106522337