What do you think about "special nights" for kids being seperate?

[mom2happy]

Once a week I make a special night for my 5 and 7 yr olds. They pick what ever they want to play, I make popcorn and we hang out for about 1-1.5 hrs. Sometimes they want to watch a movie in my bed, sometimes draw or play games.

I do this with each child individually. The other one knows their turn is the next night.

DH has a problem with this. Today our 5 yr old asked for a "special night", and DH told me he doesn't like the exclusion of it. He thinks the other child shouldn't have to feel left out.

I said I understood what he was saying, but they know that they always get their turn.

We also have family night on the weekend too. We play games, draw, watch movies, etc.

He wants only family nights. He thinks the separate nights destroys unity.

I totally understand what he is saying, but the one on one time was really nice.

Now we have a baby too, so we are juggling three. I think he is also worried about the fairness issues and headaches this will bring in the future.

Any opinions from parents with kids in this age range?

[~cassie]

We do things like that and we really like it.  However, we make it a point that while I(or dh) had the kid whose turn is that day, the other 2 are taken somewhere special as well--like the park.  Once  a month I do a movie day/night at the theater and will take 1 kid with me while the other 2 go to the park or the library, etc.  It seems like it would be a lot harder to get that individual time at home, and I would probably feel excluded as well if it wasn't my turn, even knowing I'd get my turn next time.

[beanma]

I'm afraid I'm going to side with your DH. That wouldn't work at our house. My dd2 is very sensitive about feeling left out of things and she would just collapse in a puddle or rage up and down if we tried that. We do take turns picking movies or supper or books, etc, but everyone who wants to participate is included.

Now sometimes we do separate and dh will take 1 dd and go somewhere with her and I will have the other one at home or go somewhere else with her, but no we'd never exclude like that if we're in the same house. That just would not work for us.

[Tigerchild]

I think one on one time is essential.  We have done it almost from the beginning, and my daughter is only 17 months older than my twin boys (so for awhile we had 3 under 2).

I wouldn't do one on one to the exclusion of family time.  But what kind of message does it give a kid that his or her individual relationship with you isn't important?  That you only recognize the unit?  To me, that is damaging.  If one kid can't stand having their sibling pick out the movie or choose the game on that sibs night, that is something that should be worked through with the kid for as long as it takes, not avoided in order to preserve one child's desire (because you can bet the other one is probably thinking, wow, because sister/brother didn't like me having my night, now Daddy took it away from me forever).  It's a pain the butt to deal with but on the other hand, better kids learn how to share attention and getting to pick stuff in the safe environment of the family!

Do your "special times" have to be done at home?  Maybe you just need to move it external for awhile.  Or have it be something that's less time.  But even so--I mean, I don't allow the kids to interrupt each other when speaking to me, I don't allow them to invade privacy if I have to have a private conversation with one of them, ect.  I think again that the family is the ideal place to learn how to respect and do this.

Is your DH an only child?  Did he grow up in an environment where there was extreme favortism?  I could see those situations as either leading to cluelessness about how important it is for kids to feel respected/enjoyed/loved AS INDIVIDUALS and special to mom and dad or how it could be a trigger.

Why can't you do both?

[beanma]

Tigerchild, I took the OP to mean that she has one child pick a movie and be in the bedroom with her while the other one is not allowed in. If I read it wrong and it's just one child has a turn to pick a movie and the other one gets to watch it too that would be fine at our house, but if 1 child had exclusive access to me while the other one was shut out for 1.5 hr that would be a recipe for disaster at my house. A need for a moment's private conversation is one thing and my kids are fine with that, but over an hour w/ the other child left out just would not work for us.

[darjeelingmomma]

I agree that one on one time is essential and second everything Tigerchild posted.

Since your DH wants a change and seems unhappy with it perhaps family time can be the fun sorta bonding time and one on one time can be more mundane? Maybe running errands or just quiet time together? That way its not so alluring to the sibling waiting their turn? I really like the quiet unscheduled sorta bonding time myself.

Personally I think learning that it isn't always your turn and others need to feel special is a good life lesson. The set up you have sounds wonderful. It sometimes takes a while for patience to sink in at that age and lots of reinforcement - knowing that your special turn will indeed come.

[limabean]

In our family, we make time for family time, one-on-one time, and alone time. One-on-one time is for all configurations: DH+me, DS+me, DD+me, DS+DH, and DD+DH. Since we only have 2 kids, it's easy for one parent to have special time with one kid while the other parent and kid have special time together, and we make sure to do it once a week. Two nights ago, DH took DS to a concert, and DD and I stayed home and played games and watched a movie. I hold one-on-one time very dear. 

[Tigerchild]

If one of your kids needed your exclusive attention for an hour (barring emergencies, of course), really, the other one could not handle it?  I'm not saying that they have to be *happy* about it, but they honestly could not handle their sibling getting undivided attention for an hour or an hour and a half, once a week? When they also get some family time, AND they know they will get their undivided attention time?  I don't know, I think that is not too much to ask of 7 year old and up (though if it's *never* been done, that would be really hard at first I'd think).  Though maybe it it just easier in our family becase we have very flexible schedules (DH is a WAHD) and again, it's a habit by now, we're not introducing the concept at this age.  And we also have a ton of time together as a family.

I like the divide and conquer strategy that limabean speaks of, if you can swing it (actually, DH and I have noticed that it works well even with 3...because there is definitely a different dynamic when you have one of the sibs removed.  Esp. now that DD is starting to pull away in interests from her brothers after so many years of having pretty much the same interests and likes, having some one on one sib time seems to be something they enjoy too, though for the most part my kids are very close to each other even if they squabble, so maybe that would not be the case with other sibs).

I've had several times where I needed over an hour of private conversation to help a child work through something big at school or in their lives, even though it wasn't a fun movie night.  When that has had to happen, my kids have been respectful of their sibs need to have that time, it was really nice to not have to worry about siblings freaking out at the same time.  I don't know if that's because they know that they all get their time, so they're more tolerant of that sort of thing, or they are used to me enforcing "hey, right now I need to spend some time with sis/bro, unless it's an emergency it will have to wait" thing, or what, but as my daughter in particular starts moving into puberty and other changes, I am seeing dividends being paid in the one on one time that DH and I have both invested in her and in the respect for one on one time on the part of the others.

[mom2happy]

This is how I feel about it.

DH is gone from 7:00 AM- about 9pm Mon- Fri.  It's just me and the 3 kids and the housework alone.

I feel that the time the baby, kid's homework, cooking, cleaning  takes up, the day goes by so fast. I want to give them some quality time.

Things go so smoothly and I can focus on one child while juggling the baby. I've been doing this for 2 years and I don't think there is a problem.

It just makes DH feel bad for the child who isn't having his/her turn.

Someone asked if DH was an only child. No he wasn't, but he and I came from dysfunctional homes and had difficult childhoods.
 

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 

If one of your kids needed your exclusive attention for an hour (barring emergencies, of course), really, the other one could not handle it?  I'm not saying that they have to be *happy* about it, but they honestly could not handle their sibling getting undivided attention for an hour or an hour and a half, once a week? When they also get some family time, AND they know they will get their undivided attention time?  I don't know, I think that is not too much to ask of 7 year old and up (though if it's *never* been done, that would be really hard at first I'd think). 

[starbuckmom]

My parents did this a lot with my brother and I when we were growing up.  My mom would let one of us have a day off from school and take the day to shop, eat out, do whatever!  We LOVED it!!  The time away from school and a day with mom was just awesome!!  My dad would do the same but instead of shopping, we would go to work with him. That meant, doing deliveries in his semi!!  I loved that too!  Now, we only go to be away from school like that 2 times a year.  The superintendent at school thought it was great my parents would do that.

Now, my kids are homeschooled so we are with them all the time but we plan "dates" with our kids.  Our oldest loves to go on Nate and mommy dates or Daddy and Nate dates!!  It just means eating at his favorite restaurant, going to a toy store to play with the Thomas train set, going to the library.  Simple things but it makes for a happy ds!

Our twins are old enough at 2 that I started doing this with them too.  You should see the look on their faces when they realize they are with just mommy and no brothers to contend with! They love the one on one attention with mommy! 

My dh stays home with the other 2 boys while I am out with the 3rd so it's not as hectic for him and he can relax more so time with him at home if fun too! 

[beanma]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 

If one of your kids needed your exclusive attention for an hour (barring emergencies, of course), really, the other one could not handle it?

No, that would be fine. I often work one-on-one with one child doing homework or on a special project for school for an hour or more and the other child is fine with that. The movie scenario the OP described in the first post is what wouldn't work. To me that's like, saying child1 you come with Mommy and we're going to go have chocolate cake in the bedroom all by ourselves and Daddy and child2+baby can go have brussel sprouts in the kitchen. Now, if Daddy and child2+baby get to have ice cream in the kitchen that's great and I could see that working, or, back to the original post, if Daddy and child2+baby go to the park or the library or somewhere else that's a treat while Mommy and child1 watch a movie in the bedroom that's fine, but the way it was described was not okay for our family.

I think one-on-one time is great. I don't have any problem with that. What I do have an issue with is exclusion which is what it sounded like the dad was worried about in the OP.

So, my advice would be to make sure there is a special activity that can happen for the other kids at the same time or take the one-on-one time out of the house.

ETA: I wanted to add that my kids are really close and have similar taste in movies, etc. I could see it working better in-house for kids that have very different likes/dislikes (like if you didn't like chocolate cake anyway and preferred brussel sprouts), but my kids like almost all the same stuff so to flaunt it under their noses like that just wouldn't work very well.