Who makes the first move?

[mom2happy]

Is it normal that I NEVER want to make the first move?

I just can't do it. It is such a turn off to me. I don't feel sexy doing that.

The only way it works for me is to be pursued and know that DH finds me attractive and wants me.

He thinks the girl is "supposed to" just wanna "get on it"!

I've made the first move a few times and DH really really likes that.

RIght now I'm nursing and pretty much an asexual, but I'm looking for some opinions on this for when I get back on the saddle.

Is is strange that I never want to be the one who starts?

Edited by mom2happy - 1/30/11 at 4:00pm

[Climbing Rose]

I think it's normal/expected (who knows, maybe it's just cultural?) for the guy to be the pursuer.  Maybe that's left over from the 1950s or something.  =P

But I think for some guys, one way they feel loved and wanted is for their wives to *want* them. 

Maybe instead of making the first move, you could hint a *lot* and then he would start to pursue you and you would both be happy.

Or you could find more subtle ways of pursuing him, that you are comfortable with.  It would depend on your relationship what that would be, like being super cuddley, offering a massage, wearing something different (possibly to bed)...

Or heck- just make his night sometime and go all out!   I bet you will have fun.

Maybe he *is* pursuing you in a way... by telling you he wants to be pursued.  Because he *does* want you, but you starting it makes it extra special for him, but it's really about him wanting you in the first place.  (Did that make any sense?!)

But just to answer your question- No, I don't think it's strange!  =)

[SwanValkyrie]

To me it does seem a little strange, but then again, I'm a real go getter   I had a similar mind-set when I was younger, wishing to be pursued. Sex is really complicated for both genders and from what I understand there are under lying reasons for both of you to want the things you do.

As a woman it can be very ego-stroking to be sought after, it's totally a boost to your self esteem. And, in a culture where we've been conditioned to be embarrassed of our bodies and sexuality, it's totally normal to want the guy to take responsibility for the sex act. It puts the woman up on a pedestal of purity, it's the traditional idea of romance, to get swept up in a man's passion.

For guys though, especially in a committed relationship, having the woman make the first move is like a great big "I love you and appreciate everything you do for me!" It's the ultimate acceptance and acknowledgment of how hard he works to make you happy. At least that's what I've gathered from talks with guys. Sometimes it's really hard and embarrassing for them to explain that, and they may not have ever really given it much of a thought. I've also heard a lot of them say they are worried about rejection, it really cuts them deep. Making the first move is making yourself vulnerable, this should always be respected and never just expected because of gender roles.

Bring it up, it may lead to some good discussions.

Realizing these things has made it a lot easier for me to take responsibility of my own sexual desires and I feel like it's easier to communicate what I want. It takes a lot more to get a woman in the mood, you could do some of that yourself. Pamper yourself, fantasize. Tell DH about your fantasies. Or just hint around like a pp said. Little things really do go a long way. 

I also totally understand what you mean about not wanting to do anything sexual while you're nursing. Spontaneous lusty feelings just aren't happening, that doesn't mean you couldn't pick a day and decide to make intimacy a priority. Get a baby sitter in advance, even if only for an hour or two. Let him know when to be ready, leave him little suggestive notes and be teasing and playful for a few days leading up to it. I bet he'd be more than willing to make you feel attractive and wanted by the time you have your little date.

Healthy sex, respect for each other's desires. These things are really worth the effort!

[mom2happy]

This really helps a lot. I've always thought of sex for men as just getting off, and being more intimate and emotional for women.

I trying to change my way of thinking about it.

Originally Posted by SwanValkyrie 

For guys though, especially in a committed relationship, having the woman make the first move is like a great big "I love you and appreciate everything you do for me!" It's the ultimate acceptance and acknowledgment of how hard he works to make you happy. At least that's what I've gathered from talks with guys. Sometimes it's really hard and embarrassing for them to explain that, and they may not have ever really given it much of a thought. I've also heard a lot of them say they are worried about rejection, it really cuts them deep. Making the first move is making yourself vulnerable, this should always be respected and never just expected because of gender roles.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by Love 

I think it's normal/expected (who knows, maybe it's just cultural?) for the guy to be the pursuer.  Maybe that's left over from the 1950s or something.  =P

But I think for some guys, one way they feel loved and wanted is for their wives to *want* them. 

Maybe instead of making the first move, you could hint a *lot* and then he would start to pursue you and you would both be happy.

Or you could find more subtle ways of pursuing him, that you are comfortable with.  It would depend on your relationship what that would be, like being super cuddley, offering a massage, wearing something different (possibly to bed)...

Or heck- just make his night sometime and go all out!   I bet you will have fun.

Maybe he *is* pursuing you in a way... by telling you he wants to be pursued.  Because he *does* want you, but you starting it makes it extra special for him, but it's really about him wanting you in the first place.  (Did that make any sense?!)

But just to answer your question- No, I don't think it's strange!  =)

I will add this to my self "pep talk". I definitely need one. Poor DH.

[Hykue]

I definitely understand, and I've had a hard time learning to sometimes be the "pursuer". It just feels way more natural and pleasant to me to be the (slightly) more passive one - I like that feeling better. But, so does my husband. So every once in a while I like to surprise him (often when he's asleep) and be the one to initiate things. He LOVES it. Usually how excited he gets ends up turning me on quite a bit too, and even if it doesn't all that much, it makes me feel good to make him feel so good. He helps this along by making it obvious how happy he is about this turn of events. This doesn't happen all that often, and I think he would prefer if it did a bit more, but the frequency has increased, so I think he's happy to take what he can get! I don't know if that helps you . . . I guess my point is that even if you aren't really "feeling it" WHEN you initiate, you might be surprised how much you start to when you see how into it your DH is.

[Agatha_Ann]

Originally Posted by SwanValkyrie 

As a woman it can be very ego-stroking to be sought after, it's totally a boost to your self esteem. And, in a culture where we've been conditioned to be embarrassed of our bodies and sexuality, it's totally normal to want the guy to take responsibility for the sex act. It puts the woman up on a pedestal of purity, it's the traditional idea of romance, to get swept up in a man's passion.

This is me 100%. We have been together for 12 years and I can think of two times I've been the initiator, once when I really wanted a baby and once when I really wanted one out! I feel so dirty, even whorish, initiating. I also have this deep fear that I would put myself out there and he wouldn't want me. Even when we are right there, he has to be really careful not to throw it back in my court (ie "do you want ....) I seriously can't say yes! He'll sometimes ask why I never initiate and my only answer is "I'm a girl, I'm not supposed to want that" even though I totally do. Thank goodness he has no problem on his end or we'd be in trouble!

I'm also a big weirdo in that I can grab his butt, sit on his lap, kiss his neck etc if that's all I have in mind for the moment, but if I am wanting more, I totally shut down physically. Hmmmm, maybe I need some help!

One thing that has helped me immensely is modern technology. I can be surprisingly dirty over a text message and feel comfortable with it. I seem to have a much easier time expressing that when I don't have to physically say the words.

[Lilygoose]

Prior to having my DD (almost 2.5 years ago) I was very comfortable being sexually assertive and had no problem initiating.  Since having her though, my sex drive and emotions surrounding have just not been at all the same.  Often times I am mostly uninterested-luckily my hubby is great at getting me into the moment once we actually start.  Along with that, is a struggle to directly initiate even when i am in the mood.  I'm not sure why, its so unlike me.  I now have a code, so that when i say this thing to my hubby he knows i am in the mood.  Its something that relates to feeling physically sensual, but is not actively sexual.  THis way it is tied to that connection, but it is just more comfortable. 

[bcblondie]

I honestly think you should just "fake it til you make it." MAKE yourself make the first move a few times and maybe it'll become easier. The more sex you have the more you'll want. If it's always him all the time that might hurt HIS ego eventually.