3.5 yr old refuses to go to bathroom

[SFam]

Anyone have experience with a child who refuses to pee? My daughter has been out of diapers for almost a year and she will hold her pee FOREVER. As I type this, it's been about 18 hours since she's peed. She will go over night and takes hours to pee. I had thought this was due to not drinking enough fluids, so I've been trying to increase her intake of water, but that hasn't worked. I tell her it's time to pee and put her on the potty and she refuses. It turns into a battle and she throws a tantrum like a toddler would. I'm at my wits end because I feel like I can't leave the house until I can get her to pee! AAAHHHH!!!

[SFam]

by the way, what I mean is, she'll pee before bed, then in the morning won't pee for hours. She peed last at about 6:30pm last night and finally peed just now (after putting up a fight) at 1:45pm, so that's actually 19 hours! She'll hold it until she pees her pants or until I force her to go. Sometimes she's cooperative and sometimes not. I don't know what to do to get her to go. I've tried every approach I can think of, including bribes, but I'm not going to do that anymore. What else is there?

[treeoflife3]

Why doesn't she want to go potty?  Has she always put up a fight about it?  does sitting on the toilet bother her?  is she playing a power game?  does it hurt?  Have you considered a possible UTI?

how you deal with it I think would depend on why she is fighting against going to the bathroom.

[SFam]

I wish I knew the reason. She won't tell me a reason. I don't think it's uncomfortable. I give her the option of which potty (upstairs or down, blue potty, pink potty, other pink potty, Dora seat over the big potty etc). I don't think it's a medical issue. If she had a UTI, she'd need to go more often and maybe have accidents, that's not the case. She doesn't have pain while urinating. She just doesn't want to go. She complains while sitting on the potty that she needs water. I give her water, then she needs to change potties, I let her change potties etc. Sometimes she'll tell me she can't go when we're on the way to the potty, but once she sits on it, like a gallon of pee comes streaming out because she's held it so long.

My best guess is that she doesn't like being told to go. She doesn't like following directions, no matter how nicely and sweetly I ask her to do something, she doesn't want to do it, including peeing. I don't make her go usually. For the most part, I tell her that she can go when she needs to. But when it gets to the point that it's almost 2 in the afternoon and she hasn't peed since the night before, has had several ounces of water, eaten breakfast, snack and lunch, then it's time to go and I make her go. Then the screaming and resisting ensues....

[Pookietooth]

I have a friend whose dd was like this for years (and still is to some extent). I think it's about control plus a bit of sensory integration issues in addition to a fear of toilets.Have you tried letting her go naked at home? I think it's a symptom of anxiety for my friend's dd, but I could be wrong. She is being treated for anxiety and depression now.

[LynnS6]

My dd was like this a bit. Even now at age 6, she'll hold her pee for hours. She told me on Thursday "I didn't go to the bathroom at all while I was at school today." She leaves the house at 8:00 am and gets home at 3:30. 7 1/2 hours is a LONG time to hold it.

For my dd, it was a combination of not feeling the urge until she REALLY had to go, of not wanting to stop what she was doing and of control.

A couple of suggestion:

-Set regular potty breaks in your daily routine. Every 2-3 hours go to the bathroom and 'try'. I wouldn't let her get off and on, I'd simply have her choose one potty and say "we'll sit her for two minutes. If you can go, great, if not, we'll try again in an hour." Then try every hour or two so until she goes. Be VERY VERY low key. If she doesn't, say "OK good try" and leave.

-Go do what you would normally do. Ask her to try going potty before you leave, but if she can't/won't, oh well. I can't tell you how often I asked dd to go before we left the house, she refused, and 5 minutes after we got someplace, she had to go. Store an extra outfit in your bag/car for the inevitable accident.

-If you really think she needs to go, but she's holding it for some reason known only to the mysterious inner workings of the 3 year old mind, try putting a warm wash cloth in her hand or her hand in a little bowl of warm water. I don't know why that works, but it does.

[SFam]

I like the warm water idea.

Right now it's almost 8:30 at night. She hasn't peed in 12 hours. She drank plenty of water today. sigh.... I think in general she does not like to do what she's instructed. I try to give her choices as much as possible and spin things so she doesn't feel like she's being told what to do. She threw a tantrum today because I made her wear pants! It's cold-- I put my foot down and made her wear pants instead of letting her run around in her underwear like she wanted to. She cried and kicked for like half an hour. My best guess is that both things are about control.

[AbbieB]

My DD was like this. I never bugged her about going to the bathroom. I just let her do her thing. Yes, sometimes she would decide she needed to go 2 seconds after we left our driveway.

My mom spent a lot of time with her and was always bugging her to go. Guess what her reaction was?

I think you just need to back of and not mention it. She will go when she needs to, not when you think she needs too. I would also give her some vitamin C and cranberry juice just to be sure there was no UTI adding to the problem.

[JudiAU]

You didn't mention accidents so I am assuming you don't have them often. I'd also guess that she has a really large bladder. DH and DS both really do have the ability to hold huge amounts of urine. T

The real risk then is that she will develop UTI or other urinary problems as a result of witholding. Is there someone, other than you, you can explain the risks? A doctor? Someone else?

Personally, we have a rule that everyone pees on the potty when they wake up whether they want to or not. We also go potty before leaving the house, begin nap, and before bed. But no one of that is really a struggle...

[kcparker]

I'll trade kids with you. Mine still pees his pants at least once a day.

[Miasmamma]

Originally Posted by JudiAU 

The real risk then is that she will develop UTI or other urinary problems as a result of witholding. Is there someone, other than you, you can explain the risks? A doctor? Someone else?

ITA with the PP. Holding it can cause serious issues. My cousin never went when she was in school, and now, she's dealing with both kidney and bladder issues. Both of which are very painful.

[SFam]

We don't deal with accidents very often. It's been several weeks since we've had one, can't even really remember it. She has a bladder of steel! Let's see, today, she's peed once all day since waking up this morning, so that's like 9 hours so far.

I've explained to her that holding her pee for too long will cause her to have an infection and that it will hurt and she'll have to take the nasty medicine to get rid of it (she was on nasty tasting antibiotics recently). I was hoping the threat of nasty medication might motivate her to pee more often. nope. It's mainly a problem when I try to take her and she doesn't want to go. She throws a major tantrum, screaming, kicking etc. I don't like to let her hold it all day for fear of kidney/urinary problems. I try to stay away from doctors unless necessary. Perhaps I'll take her in for a "well-child" visit and ask about at what point I should worry about it. I don't think having another person tell her the consequences of not peeing will affect her-- she's pretty independent and follows directions when it suits her fancy. Which, ironically is a quality I'd like her to have as an adult, but it sure makes dealing with her now a pain in my arse.