So, as per his wishes I did not reply. I was hurt and a little angry but mostly just shocked. A few days later I get a call from Grandma telling me how disappointed she is in me, how she used to brag about me (I'm not sure what about, all I ever did was get married and be a stay at home mom, not that that isn't wonderful, but is it really news worthy?). She can't hear very well but just kept repeating about what a horrible person I was, and how she thought I loved J and our daughter, and how we owe her money. Then she hung up. It's been about a month and then today I get another e-mail from Dad:
I do not wish to have a conversation. But there are a few things that I need to get off my chest. With that; You have really hurt me!
I am haunted every day and night not knowing how to be or feel and, with much difficulty, still attempt to take care of everyday business in a good way. This is a needed attempt to relieve some of that.
I am embarrassed, and ashamed.
With my last e-mail, I was really trying to be careful so that I would not say something out of anger that I would, later, regret. In so doing, I figured that I would give you enough credit so as not have to explain every little thought, word, or comment. However, the decisions you've made causes me to question giving you credit at all.
I, truly, wondered if what I said had left any impact on you. Or, since I believe you knew what this would do, did you just decide to make a final stand (for whatever reason) and turn your back on your immediate family?
Let me say; I am not disowning you. You will always be my daughter. But how that is acted on is a very fragile sheet of ice, and you've placed more weight on it than it can handle.
Let me tell you something; On top of embarrassment and shame, I am completely insulted.
You think that this was all some sort of secret?
You think I didn't know that something wasn't good right from the beginning?
You think that I never put two and two together, clear back to your teenage days?
And you think I've never found the letters buried in the things I had to dispose of, because you didn't care whether someone found them or not?
I never said anything because that's what fathers, who love their daughters, do. They continue to forgive their child, and give them another chance to listen, and learn something. I guess you figured you had nothing more to learn. And that I, as your adult father, was just too stupid to know any better.
I knew you were lying about your past situations long ago. And I really hope that embarrasses you!
Now, I'm going to tell you something else. You can either listen, or ignore once again. But one day, all the consequences of your decisions are going to come to a head. One day, things are going to fall apart, and you will have nowhere to go, and nowhere to turn. And you will have children to take care of!
When that happens, you will be greatly humbled. And you will experience true fear. And you will know something greater than yourself. Maybe then, you will feel remourse. Maybe then, you will know who you really are, where you really come from. Maybe then, you will discover what it's like to face everyone you have hurt, all at the same time.
What you do to yourself, you do to me. And what you do to me, you have done to everyone that I come from. I am ashamed.
Since you think that you reached the maturity of an adult long ago, I must let you go through all the hardships you've opened the door to.
When you've reached that last end, you can come back to me. Then I will consider your level of remourse. But let me be very clear; ONLY YOU and the little ones, if you still have them, can come back. It is not a child's fault for the selfish decisions of a parent.
So go live your life, and live it up good. But be ready for what comes next!
Don't look for any more voluntary correspondence from me. I cannot handle it.
I will have to live with the haunts, and wait for the day that you find your way back. You, very simply, will have to live with yourself.
And the one thing that I never say; Good Bye.., perhaps until that day.