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Good Lord - FUMING! - Page 2

post #21 of 96

I have to agree with the other posters.   I know my family would of been crushed if we hadn't let them see our DDs in that first month.  Everyone was great and kept their visits short, and usually brought some food etc.. 

 

I have gently told my immediate family about our toy preferences.  My parents and sisters are totally on board.  Most other people just don't get it - but they do seem to listen if I suggest books or clothes.  A lot of toys get donated and I am OK with that.  I would just gently bring up how you are trying to stick with non-toxic wooden toys... or how much you need books.  Either they will get it our they won't.  If they don't you just have to let it go..

 

post #22 of 96

clap.gif I couldn't have said it any better. The part about your nephew made me cry (darn pregnancy hormones).
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by NicolleLynne View Post

Hi Mama,

 

I can very much empathize with you. After two devastating losses I did everything within my power to have as healthful and natural a pregnancy as possible. After my beautiful girl was born I wanted to continue to make sure she was surrounded only by the best and most natural of baby things. I spent hours upon hours researching everything that came anywhere near her, from her socks and swaddles to her shampoo and diaper cream. I gave clear, emphatic instructions to all friends and family about BPAs, lead, synthetic fabrics and the like. I gave away garbage bags full of barely used hand-me-down clothes and toys because they didn't meet the strict standards I had set and spent a small (my husband would argue not so small) fortune on safe, natural things.

 

And then one day my SIL and nephew came to visit. My nephew is a dear, little boy with a genetic disorder called Noonan's Syndrome that has some physical characteristics that make him feel a bit shy and self-conscious. He has a deep affinity for babies because they don't see his differences. He was so excited about meeting DD and instantly fell in love with her. A few minutes after they first met, he disappeared into the guest room where he'd left his things and returned with a giant, stuffed dog covered with synthetic fur and looking out at us with big, plastic eyes. My first reaction was one of horror. Immediately I began wondering how quickly I could dispose of the thing and then my nephew explained that he had seen the dog at a store and had been saving up for weeks to buy it for DD. Instantly that ugly thing was transformed in my eyes from a cheap piece of crap to a shining gift of love delivered straight from the heart of a sweet child.

 

I still do my best to keep the majority of DD's things safe and natural but mingled among her organic cotton onesies you will now find some cute hand-me-downs from dear friends and family and some brightly colored, "My Grandma Loves Me!" t-shirts. Sprinkled among her wood and cloth toys is a plastic ride-on airplane and inflatable penguin that never fails to amuse and in a place of honor, up on the bed she has yet to sleep in (we co-sleep) is that big, old stuffed dog that I keep to remind me that sometimes love comes covered in synthetic fur.

post #23 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by NicolleLynne View Post

Hi Mama,

 

I can very much empathize with you. After two devastating losses I did everything within my power to have as healthful and natural a pregnancy as possible. After my beautiful girl was born I wanted to continue to make sure she was surrounded only by the best and most natural of baby things. I spent hours upon hours researching everything that came anywhere near her, from her socks and swaddles to her shampoo and diaper cream. I gave clear, emphatic instructions to all friends and family about BPAs, lead, synthetic fabrics and the like. I gave away garbage bags full of barely used hand-me-down clothes and toys because they didn't meet the strict standards I had set and spent a small (my husband would argue not so small) fortune on safe, natural things.

 

And then one day my SIL and nephew came to visit. My nephew is a dear, little boy with a genetic disorder called Noonan's Syndrome that has some physical characteristics that make him feel a bit shy and self-conscious. He has a deep affinity for babies because they don't see his differences. He was so excited about meeting DD and instantly fell in love with her. A few minutes after they first met, he disappeared into the guest room where he'd left his things and returned with a giant, stuffed dog covered with synthetic fur and looking out at us with big, plastic eyes. My first reaction was one of horror. Immediately I began wondering how quickly I could dispose of the thing and then my nephew explained that he had seen the dog at a store and had been saving up for weeks to buy it for DD. Instantly that ugly thing was transformed in my eyes from a cheap piece of crap to a shining gift of love delivered straight from the heart of a sweet child.

 

I still do my best to keep the majority of DD's things safe and natural but mingled among her organic cotton onesies you will now find some cute hand-me-downs from dear friends and family and some brightly colored, "My Grandma Loves Me!" t-shirts. Sprinkled among her wood and cloth toys is a plastic ride-on airplane and inflatable penguin that never fails to amuse and in a place of honor, up on the bed she has yet to sleep in (we co-sleep) is that big, old stuffed dog that I keep to remind me that sometimes love comes covered in synthetic fur.


This is such a beautiful story - and I have to say - some of those onsies that say "grandma loves you" "daddy loves you" and "mommy's little monster" are some of my favorites!!  I'm actually having ds's baby clothing turned into a quilt, and those are going to hold special places in that quilt!!

post #24 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenMama View Post

 Unfortunately, my family is not very supportive and it is really hurting me. 


You are getting back what you give out. You are really hurting them, too.

 

A baby is a blessing to the whole family, not just you. In your post, I see no grasp of how your decisions effect others or any caring about their feelings. My kids are now teens (they've been raised with AP, GD, etc) and I cannot begin to explain how I would feel if they decided to "babymoon" when they had children.

 

Balance is everything in life.  "I just don't feel comfortable with him touching a bunch of neon plastic stuff that lights up and makes noise! "   He's not as fragile as you think he is. He'll have all sorts of experiences in life. If he touches something made of plastic, nothing bad will happen. You don't have to control everything. Finding the balance is difficult, but you gotta realize that it exist and that you aren't there before you can even starting trying to find it.

post #25 of 96


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama View Post

I agree with P.J. here. I, too, wanted a nice babymoon. I was aiming for 2 weeks. I didn't get it, and there are parts of me that are still sad over that. But 30 days is a long time, and they are family as well-- the baby is related to them, too. I also agree that I would be supportive, but for sure concerned, over an UP, especially for a first baby. And yes, it's a bit pushy for the birth announcement to include your toy preference. That's what registries are for, if you ask me, and you can always donate or return the things you don't want. On that subject though, I wanted to add an anecdote: I, too, only wanted wooden, sustainable, organic toys. However, my inlaws gave my daughter a (used) plastic Leapfrog music table when she was 5 months old. The first time she heard the music that it played, and then when she put together that her interactions with it made the music play, her joy was palpable, it was so great. She clearly adores it, and now at nearly 10 months, she crawls to it, pulls herself up, and plays with it for half an hour. That's a huge amount of time for a baby that age. Had I been very strict about what toys she got to play with, I would have never seen her sheer pleasure in playing with something that interacts with her like that. Let's face it-- there are no wooden music tables out there that play music at the touch of a button or spin of a rattle, etc. And that is something my girlie loves.


Similar experience at a similar age with a plastic Sesame Street radio-thingy that the in-laws bought for DD.  At that age especially, the toy has to respond immediately and dramatically for the baby to understand what they've accomplished.  DD would hit the thing to play a song, play with something else until it finished, then start it up again, over and over and over.  She still LOVES that darned radio. 

post #26 of 96

You can send the Elmo dishes to me; my kids would love them.

 

You'll see - there are going to be much bigger battles you will be faced as a parent.  It's really not worth getting upset.  Relationships with family is pretty important, especially when you have children. 

post #27 of 96

It made me cry a bit too and I'm not even pregnant!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauren82 View Post

clap.gif I couldn't have said it any better. The part about your nephew made me cry (darn pregnancy hormones).
 

 

 

post #28 of 96


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by newmamalizzy View Post


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama View Post

I agree with P.J. here. I, too, wanted a nice babymoon. I was aiming for 2 weeks. I didn't get it, and there are parts of me that are still sad over that. But 30 days is a long time, and they are family as well-- the baby is related to them, too. I also agree that I would be supportive, but for sure concerned, over an UP, especially for a first baby. And yes, it's a bit pushy for the birth announcement to include your toy preference. That's what registries are for, if you ask me, and you can always donate or return the things you don't want. On that subject though, I wanted to add an anecdote: I, too, only wanted wooden, sustainable, organic toys. However, my inlaws gave my daughter a (used) plastic Leapfrog music table when she was 5 months old. The first time she heard the music that it played, and then when she put together that her interactions with it made the music play, her joy was palpable, it was so great. She clearly adores it, and now at nearly 10 months, she crawls to it, pulls herself up, and plays with it for half an hour. That's a huge amount of time for a baby that age. Had I been very strict about what toys she got to play with, I would have never seen her sheer pleasure in playing with something that interacts with her like that. Let's face it-- there are no wooden music tables out there that play music at the touch of a button or spin of a rattle, etc. And that is something my girlie loves.


Similar experience at a similar age with a plastic Sesame Street radio-thingy that the in-laws bought for DD.  At that age especially, the toy has to respond immediately and dramatically for the baby to understand what they've accomplished.  DD would hit the thing to play a song, play with something else until it finished, then start it up again, over and over and over.  She still LOVES that darned radio. 


EXACTLY. I want her to have beautiful, wooden instruments and gorgeous soft cloth toys when she can appreciate them and is looking for a less dramatic result. At this age, she needs an immediate reaction or it's boring.

post #29 of 96

I have to agree with the other posters. I can understand having a couple days to yourself but not allowing grandparents to see their new grandchild for a month when they are eager to is just plain mean. You should count your blessings you have family who want to see their grandchild and take the time to choose gifts. When we receive gifts I prefer my new baby not be around I put them aside then pack them up after some time has passed.

 

30 days is a really, really long time to not allow grandparents to see the baby. I know how it is for your heart to break when you see someone else holding your sweet little baby. You could make it known that this time is very important for you to bond with the baby and visits need to be kept short. Maybe invite them over when you have something that needs doing, like taking a shower or fixing a meal. If it's really important to you that they not hold the baby at least allow them to come and see the baby. 

 

I can't imagine the rift it would have caused in my family had I not allowed anyone to see one of my kids as a newborn for even a day. Pictures were sent out by text message within minutes. There are several family members I'm sure would not want a whole lot to do with my family had I tried to dictate the gifts they were allowed to bring. 

post #30 of 96

My mom was there with us when each of our four babies were born, and DH's parents (and family) met the babies during the first 24 hours.  I cannot imagine not letting family see and hold a new baby.  I would be really hurt if it were my grandbaby or even niece or nephew and I had to wait a whole month. 

post #31 of 96
I guess I'll swim against the tide here and say I'm completely supportive of you having a babymoon, probably because DH and I had one with DS. I had toxic bioparents and we were on good terms with his parents, but I didn't feel entirely comfortable with them yet. So we asked everyone to stay away for a couple of weeks. We did take about a million pictures and posted them immediately on a private blog so that all of the relatives and friends could see the new baby. But I wanted privacy to develop a nursing relationship with my son, and time to heal from the birth, and I don't regret a single minute of the time we spent alone in those first few weeks, bonding with our baby and learning to be a family of three. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. love.gif

However, our decision wasn't all that common or popular, and I did get some flames here when I posted about it (but a lot more posts from people saying they wished they'd done something similar when they had their first baby, because hosting family who came to "help" (i.e. hold the baby while mama ran around serving drinks and feverishly cleaning, in between sobbing alone in the locked bathroom with her baby just for a chance to nurse privately) was so exhausting and stressful. I'm not surprised you're getting a similar reaction now, especially since it sounds like you didn't even let them see pictures, which must have been terribly frustrating and hurtful for the new grandparents. I don't believe there's anything intrinsically evil about a babymoon but I do think it has to be done with as much tact and caring as possible. (And for the record, DH's parents were so lovely about DS's babymoon, and a million other small boundaries, that we've grown incredibly close since then and even asked them to be at DD's birth! It doesn't have to lead to hard feelings if people can be adults about it.)

On the toys thing...I get it. I so get it. But after long, hard-won experience, DH and I have come to the conclusion that once our preferences for gifts are known and understood, the matter is out of our hands. We donate a lot, which in a way is almost as gratifying because at least we're helping a family in need. Some people either don't get it or just don't care, and that's fine, but we decided a long time ago that we're under no obligation to keep/use presents that aren't right for our family. In my experience, in 99.999999% of cases where a gift is wildly inappropriate, it was still given out of love and with good intentions. Try to appreciate the intentions instead of the actual object...and don't be afraid to donate anything and everything that you don't want your child to have. But also, don't be surprised if you have to buy a lot of your ideal toys and clothes yourself. That's the trade-off.

Like others have said, choose your battles carefully. Some things are non-negotiable (major parenting decisions like nursing, cosleeping, diet, intact, vaccine-free, etc.) and not open to discussion or debate. Other things really don't matter in the long run. At all. It's up to you to decide which is which.

hug.gifhug.gifhug.gif

 

 

post #32 of 96

I agree with the notion that it is a little cruel to tell the grandparents and relatives that they cannot visit you for 30 days after the birth. You can bond and let a relative visit. Babies really grow a lot in 30 days.

 

On the wood toys, you need to point them to websites to get the truly wood stuff. Pretty much everything we see in the stores that are wooden have have on them and/or were made in China.

 

It sounds like you have gone in to this totally rejecting everyone and everything. I completely understand wanting things to be a certain way, but sometimes, it is good to meet a loving person part way. It could be worse..they could completely stop and give up. Afterall, they keep being so rejected and nothing they do from gifts to anything is good enough. I am shocked they have even sent gifts when they have not been allowed to see the baby. 

post #33 of 96

I will add, that on one hand, you say their presents are not good enough and seem to expect presents. Afterall, they are expected to give presents as grandparents and such. But on the other hand, you won't even let them have a picture of the baby, which totally does not make sense. It just seems sooo...well...talking out of both sides of your mouth.

 

Do you have big problems with these people? I mean, is there a big issue where you hate them? I can understand if you just have majorly dysfunctional relatives that you do not want around and do not want to have contact and don't want them to have pictures. But in this case, you should stop accepting gifts and let them know they will not be a part of your lives. If this is not the case, then you do need to really think seriously about what you are doing. I am all for limiting time and even having time after the birth to yourself. But 30 days with no picture even? That is really way over the top.

post #34 of 96

If one of my kids said that I couldn't see my grandbaby until he was a month old, I would be devastated.  I LOVE for other people to visit and hold our babies!  Our babies are a blessing that should be shared.  It brings so many other people such great joy to see and play w/ our babies.  I had a moment once, there is this lady at my church who has some mild mental illness.  Other mothers have been nervous & will not let her hold their babies.  She LOVES babies & could never have one (she is married).  At a picnic, she asked to hold my 6-wk old foster daughter.  So I handed her this baby, this sweetest little thing, a baby whose own bio mother could not pull it together enough to have custody of her, this baby who "nobody wanted".  And I'm almost crying writing about it, two years later.  After she got her turn holding my baby, she cheered out, "I got to hold the baby!"  She was so excited and radiant w/ joy.  My heart does not break when others hold my kids, it sings w/ happiness!  Let others share in your happiness :)

post #35 of 96

I can't imagine not wanting anyone to see a picture of my baby for a whole month! PLus I would have gone crazy locked up in the house for a while month.

 

I do remember that with my first baby I was more particular. I wasn't as quick to pass him around as I am with dd and I was much pickier about his clothes and toys. With dd I hve relaxed a lot. I realize that evertything is not going to be picture perfect. dd wears her brother's undershirts to sleep and plays with his made-in-china matchbox cars. Just yesterday we were there (at the dollar general, which is like MIC heaven) and she fell in love with this horrible, tacky hard plastic baby doll. I mean, she LOVED it. It was $2, I bought it for her and she hasn't let it out of her sight since. I was totally anti TV. I avoided screen time completely for ds until he was a year old, like not even letting a TV be on in the house while he was awake. dd already has an affinity for dora. (Not that I stick her inf front of the tv to watch it for hours or anything) If it comes on tv she will stop what she's doing, plop down and start laughing and clapping her hands.

 

My point in saying all this is that these things seem llike a huge, huge deal, especially when you are just getting started. When I look at my two kids, one had his start with all natural toys, nice clothes, no screen time, no babysitters, and very well controlled environment. The other has had all kinds of experiences and interactions at a much earlier age. Yet none of that stuff REALLY has mattered. Theyr are both developing well. Thjey are both happy. My dd is even more advanced than my ds was at her age in some things. The fundamental things ---breastfeeding, striving for gentle discipline, cosleeping---are not affected by what other people say or do or what toys they give my kids.

 

Try not to overthink everything. Relax a little. Let people get to know and enjoy your baby. Suppose something had happened to you during that first 30 days and you had needed help? We were not meant to raise our chidlren in isolation. It takes a village, so don't alienate yours!

post #36 of 96

At our wedding, my mother in law read Kahlil Gibran's "On Children."  I've come back to it many times since as a reminder that my children do not belong to me.  They do not and never will belong to anyone but themselves.  But they are a part of their family and their community, and I value that fact, personally.  What this means to me is that grandparents and other relatives--even close community members--also have a legitimate claim to time with the baby.  It is also "their" baby.  Yes, there are boundaries, and yes, as parents it is your unique responsibility to enforce them.  I understand that and have had to act on it...my mother was told that if she didn't stop trying to give my then 2-month-old "tastes" of assorted wildly inappropriate foods, she was not going to be given any time alone with her, for example.  But I do not feel that I would have the right to disbar my mother completely from my children for any but the most pressing reasons--like, actual physical safety.  (I feel obligated to mention that actually my mother is an awesome nana and we all have a great relationship...I value my daughter's relationships with her [very different] grandmothers very much, even though they don't interact with her the way I do or would.  Or actually, BECAUSE they don't.)

 

As for the toys, sorry to say, but it's just a matter of time before you lose that battle anyway.  We had quite the collection of non-toxic, beautiful wooden rattles and teethers that our daughter never gave a hoot about.  The first toy she ever really got into--which she adored for a couple of MONTHS--was a jam jar lid.  Yes, the lid from a jar of jam.  I'm sorry, but I've never seen any compelling evidence that children prefer natural material toys.  *I* sure do, but my daughter likes colorful, and plastic does colorful uniquely well.  So along with the people who don't get it or can't afford it, some are just going to plain disagree with you.  It's a serious waste of time and energy to try and control what people give your kids beyond letting your preferences be known...politely.  What you let your kids PLAY with, happily, IS up to you for at least a year or so.  Sort of. orngtongue.gif

 

post #37 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenMama View Post

 Unfortunately, my family is not very supportive and it is really hurting me. 


You are getting back what you give out. You are really hurting them, too.

 

 

This comment makes me feel uncomfortable, since we don't know the life situations surrounding this mama. 

To the OP:   I'm sorry you're hurting Mama!  This is a sensitive time for everyone.  I think most of the commenters make good points, but ultimately you need to do what you are comfortable with, and only you know what is best for yourself and your family and baby.  I don't have kids yet but my family constantly gives my nephew tons of cheap plastic crap, and I am already prepared to be donating tons of it to Goodwill when my time comes!  Not the most ideal situation, and I plan to make my preferences clear to those that are close to me, but I don't want to damage my family relationships over stuff.    Best of luck with working things out with your family!

post #38 of 96

OP- is there more to this story of the babymoon -- like they wanted to come from out of town and stay with you in a small house, or you are not comfortable nursing around certain family members? Because I don't get the 30 day thing. I do understand not wanting to host company. Also, I could never have sat around postpartum and half shirtless with my Dad in the house. Maybe there's more to the story?

post #39 of 96

Squrrl- thank you SO much for posting On Children! I simply LOVE LOVE LOVE that! It's what I've been trying to express to others since I've had kids! Blessings to you for sharing such beautiful wisdom!

post #40 of 96

My biological family has met four of my dc. They don't know or care about me or my dc, and I cut off contact with them 7 years ago (there was a visit during an acute situation with my father). There is no way I would have *my* family visit, but I wouldn't refuse loving interaction and genuine care from healthy parents. I have constructed a small group of non-biological family and while they know me well, and do respect my mothering, they don't always really know what my ideals look like practically, so some gifts are not in line with my preferences, and some foods aren't either (though sensitivities now rule this for now, and they do care a lot about that, having discovered for themselves their own food-related health issues), but I just can't feel anything but joy that they consider and love my family.

 

My children were given fluorescent green freezies and lime & pepper chips nearly two years ago. They ate them all, and were sick fr two days beginning that night, vomiting. Of course if I'd known the reaction would be severe, I would have stopped them from eating them, but they'd never had that stuff before, and our friends were super excited to give it to them. Anyway, I said nothing about it (except to thank them and share in my dc's excitement and curiosity), and the next week, our friends called to apologise because they'd reflected on their choices and realised that it couldn't be more important for children to have junk than to eat real food, even if it seems exciting. I don't know how they came to that, if they'd read something or had a discussion about it, but it was months before they stopped thanking me for being s gracious and forgiving of their blunder. I was not disingenuous, though; I knew they had the idea that my dc are "missing out," but over a short time, seeing how healthy, skilled, and stable my children are, they concluded that there are so many ways to find excitement, that choosing ways that harm us isn't rational.

 

I was surprised at how my dc reacted; as I wrote, if I'd known, I wouldn't have allowed it.

 

Anyway, it's been two years since then, and they brought a huge jug of organic apple cider with organic mulling spices as a treat for our dc at christmas. I have never expressed any expectations of them, and their own love for my family has directed them to desire to do what allows us to connect, and we reciprocate that with them. It would have been terrible to lose the people we now love dearly, over a minor issue like freezies and chips (or plastic toys).

 

Many mothers have nobody to celebrate a birth with. The first celebration of a birth that I experienced, was this past summer, with my fifth child. It's important to take stock of what you have, before you lose it and have the sad reality of what you lost to grieve. I don't know what it would be like to refuse visits with loving grandparents, because my dc don't have any.

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