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Good Lord - FUMING! - Page 4

post #61 of 96

I'm not going to address the whole baby moon thing because other people have and regardless of my feelings, it's your choice.

 

However, something to keep in mind re: the presents.

 

I have had several discussions with my mom about how we'd prefer wood/cloth toys to anything super plastic or weird. I have made a point of making it clear that it's not that I "don't want a bunch of plastic crap" (which a lot of people don't understand) but that I don't want to expose Finn to BPA's and Pthalates and other toxic chemicals and that since they keep discovering new ones, even the "safe" plastic toys make me a little uncomfortable. I find people are more responsive if they understand, exactly, what the problem is. That being said, my mom has failed pretty miserably at remembering and adhering to these guidelines.

Now, something that's helped me not explode is to REALLY think about why she does this. I have come to a few conclusions.

 

1) Some of it is nostalgia. Stuff she liked for her or for us as children she wants me/Finn to have.

 

2) Some of it is making up for the past. She grew up as one of the youngest of 9 kids and with no mom. Presents=Love to her and no matter how many times I tell her it isn't necessary to buy me or my sibling or my baby hundreds of dollars worth of presents, she will ALWAYS want to when she can afford to. Christmas was rediculous and it hurt my heart a little to see how much money she spend and to know how little use Finn will get out of some of that stuff. But it would BREAK her heart for me to get mad at her for her showing her LOVE. Because remember, to her, Presents=Love. Many Presents=Much Love.

 

3) Sometimes she impulse buys stuff cause it's cute. 'nuff said.

 

4) Sometimes she thinkks she's being totally awesome (and really, she is, she just forgets about my requests for how she directs her awesomess) and gets the store clerk to show her the VERY BEST toys for her grandson. The most stimulating, the most interesting, the most "developmentally approproate" etc...I rarely agree with these classifications but someone she trusts (i.e. the store clerk) is telling her these are THE BEST toys she could possible give her grandson....

 

 

So, I would gently suggest you think about what might be behind these gifts and maybe that will help you see a solution. Obviously my situation isn't yours but try and remember that there is a good chance that they are probably not trying to purposely hurt you or your baby.

 

Balance will come with time. I know it's hard when no one seems to get it or agree with you, but it will become easier. They'll get it or you'll find a way to handle the situation that satisfies you.

 

Good Luck!

post #62 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by matthia View Post

I'm not going to address the whole baby moon thing because other people have and regardless of my feelings, it's your choice.

 

However, something to keep in mind re: the presents.

 

I have had several discussions with my mom about how we'd prefer wood/cloth toys to anything super plastic or weird. I have made a point of making it clear that it's not that I "don't want a bunch of plastic crap" (which a lot of people don't understand) but that I don't want to expose Finn to BPA's and Pthalates and other toxic chemicals and that since they keep discovering new ones, even the "safe" plastic toys make me a little uncomfortable. I find people are more responsive if they understand, exactly, what the problem is. That being said, my mom has failed pretty miserably at remembering and adhering to these guidelines.

Now, something that's helped me not explode is to REALLY think about why she does this. I have come to a few conclusions.

 

1) Some of it is nostalgia. Stuff she liked for her or for us as children she wants me/Finn to have.

 

2) Some of it is making up for the past. She grew up as one of the youngest of 9 kids and with no mom. Presents=Love to her and no matter how many times I tell her it isn't necessary to buy me or my sibling or my baby hundreds of dollars worth of presents, she will ALWAYS want to when she can afford to. Christmas was rediculous and it hurt my heart a little to see how much money she spend and to know how little use Finn will get out of some of that stuff. But it would BREAK her heart for me to get mad at her for her showing her LOVE. Because remember, to her, Presents=Love. Many Presents=Much Love.

 

3) Sometimes she impulse buys stuff cause it's cute. 'nuff said.

 

4) Sometimes she thinkks she's being totally awesome (and really, she is, she just forgets about my requests for how she directs her awesomess) and gets the store clerk to show her the VERY BEST toys for her grandson. The most stimulating, the most interesting, the most "developmentally approproate" etc...I rarely agree with these classifications but someone she trusts (i.e. the store clerk) is telling her these are THE BEST toys she could possible give her grandson....

 

 

So, I would gently suggest you think about what might be behind these gifts and maybe that will help you see a solution. Obviously my situation isn't yours but try and remember that there is a good chance that they are probably not trying to purposely hurt you or your baby.

 

Balance will come with time. I know it's hard when no one seems to get it or agree with you, but it will become easier. They'll get it or you'll find a way to handle the situation that satisfies you.

 

Good Luck!


Thank you for this. I need to try to have this mind from too.

post #63 of 96

Deal OP I can understand where you are coming from. I did not ask for as much as you. My mom was FLOORED when I told her I didn't want her there for the birth! I told her, Its just me DH and my sister (doula). Thats it. She was very hurt by that, so I knew I couldn't hurt her more by keeping her away longer. My PLAN was to have the baby and have a few hours to ourselves, me DH and the baby with my sister/doula on hand in case baby needed to leave my side. 

 

It turns out I had a C-Section and was separated for 45 agonizing minutes. My sister and DH tended to the baby while I was with a heartless Dr who was ready to get home.... Turns out both my parents AND MIL were waiting in the waiting room. When I finally got my baby back in my arms and was done with our first BFing session, I had a change of heart and allowed my MIL to come in the recovery room with me. She was so happy she was crying. I didn't let her hold him at that point (I think..... its all kind of foggy) but letting her in on my little world with my little baby made her YEAR. Later that night I let the other grandparents have a very short visit (like 5 minutes). That 5 minutes wasn't much but for them that was enough. I know for some people its not, but I wanted to try and come to a compromise. After that I only wanted one person to visit, my grandpa. I told everyone else to stay away, and they mostly did (except my uncle who randomly showed up literally 15 minutes after we got home from the hospital....ughh). 

 

I set up a specific time for people to visit when my son was 8 days old, 3 hours, when anyone could come take a picture or whatever. I told them, this is your chance, and there's no guarantee we will be available the whole time. It was a nice compromise as well. 

 

So what I'm saying is I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND that desire to just be ALONE with your baby, I waited a long time for my lo and didn't want to share him! BFing isn't exactly the easiest thing either and having some privacy really helps! BUT a tiny bit of time on YOUR TERMS would mean THE WORLD to your parents and in-laws. 

 

Also, there are so many people who would GLADLY take those annoying plastic toys, just go on freecycle.org I found a family to take a lot of the gifts I didn't want. The only thing I told people NOT to get was disposable diapers... I ended up with 4 packs.... :/ I used 1 diaper, from the hospital, not even from the gifts. I found a family who didn't have a lot of money that LOVED those diapers. Just give the stuff to people that want it and next time gently remind them what you would like. AT x-mas I told people what we wanted, wood toys, books, and Sophie the giraffe. Well we got this crazy plush Santa... my DH doesn't even want to teach our son about Santa... and to make things better it SINGS! Oh Joy! Well one night he was CRYING so bad and I couldn't  calm him down, I grabbed the "Stupid Santa" as I called it and squeezed it. It started singing and its cheeks lit up and he immediately stopped crying!!! So for a month the Santa came everywhere! Luckily his love for the Santa has chilled out and he cries much less over all now. But you never know when some "Stupid" toy will save the day! lol! 

 

I hope you come back to the forums and I hope everything works out well for your new baby and your family! 

post #64 of 96

Please be thankful that you have a family that wants to see your baby and bring gifts! Some of us are not that fortunate.

 

My only daughter is almost 6 weeks old. I've been emailing and posting pictures on our blog and FB since she was born. Last week my father told me that he hadn't even looked at her photos yet! I was so hurt and sad. This is his first granddaughter. He wasn't that great of a father to me, but I was hoping he'd be a bit of a better grandfather. Apparently he isn't that interested. He also gives many excuses for not flying out to visit to meet her. He has the time and the money and we get along just fine despite my childhood. He never even sent a card or a gift for Julia.

post #65 of 96
Thread Starter 

I am here, and I do appreciate the responses.  I stand firm that my 30-day babymoon was important and okay.  I don't owe anyone access to my baby, and just one month is not a terribly long time.  After all, my in-laws and my parents had their chance to raise their own kids as they wished, and now it's our turn to do the same.  Trust me - my son was still cute after a month.  He was born in the fall, and I really didn't want him exposed to outside germs until he'd built up some immunity.

 

However, I guess I could ease up on the gifts.  I do realize they are given out of love.  However, I almost feel like if I tell you "Do not bring plastic junk into my home" and you still do it, it's like you're doing it on purpose to spite me - like a slap in the face.  I know I need to tone it down.  Grandparents ARE important, I agree, because I was very close with mine.  I guess it's just hard to relinquish any control of this much loved child. 

 

Thank you for your opinions and input.  I do appreciate it.

post #66 of 96

 I'll will say I've actually learned to appreciate plastic in many ways more than wodden or fabrics.. I find good "safe" wood VERY VERY hard to find even in expensive high end stores its still often MIC easiy to peel painted cheep wood and wood hurts when thrown.. Fabric is nice but it gets gummy and rips and slobbery and starts to smell.. Its washable and soft and cudly but not always easy to care for.. WIth appropiate plastic I can wi[pe it clean toss it in the dishwahser or sink. I can find good quality non MIC "plastic" easier than the rest..

 Also no matter how hard you try your kid WILL have other plans. They'll suddenly decide some plastic cup on the side of the road makes the coolest toy.. doesn't matter if you remove it they will have already tried to drink the half stale water half dirt bug soup mixture.. They will at some time suddenly decide Caption S oand such or princess whats her name is the BOMB.. wont matter if they have NEVER had a single item baring its name or seen then on TV or even if you have a TV (unless your in soem remove island removed from all society) don't ask me how but yes it happens..

 I'm not saying don't care jsut allow whatever but to say it IS okay to relax.

 

Deanna

post #67 of 96

Julia, I totally understand.  My new babe is 11 years younger than my first.  She's a very long awaited baby.  My brother (who lives with my dad and stepmom) and his gf (she lives with them too!)  got pregnant 3 months later.  They never sent a baby present for Lila, never let me know they receive the pictures I send ect.  Little brother had a baby so it's like they don't need mine.  :( I waver between being very sad about it and very angry. 

 

I live 700 miles away when I went to Tx for Christmas, they almost didn't come see me because the gf was having *(false) labor.. and if she was in actual labor they would have hung out at the hospital waiting instead of driving 30min  to come visit my daughter that they had never met.  Some time family sucks.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mra View Post

Please be thankful that you have a family that wants to see your baby and bring gifts! Some of us are not that fortunate.

 

My only daughter is almost 6 weeks old. I've been emailing and posting pictures on our blog and FB since she was born. Last week my father told me that he hadn't even looked at her photos yet! I was so hurt and sad. This is his first granddaughter. He wasn't that great of a father to me, but I was hoping he'd be a bit of a better grandfather. Apparently he isn't that interested. He also gives many excuses for not flying out to visit to meet her. He has the time and the money and we get along just fine despite my childhood. He never even sent a card or a gift for Julia.

post #68 of 96

Sooo.... two things have helped me in a somewhat situation (re: the toys.)

 

a.)  I DID have to just relax a bit.  I reminded myself of all the other things I'm doing to keep the kiddo safe, and that, as I tell my parents, you don't want to sacrifice too much of your quality of life (family relationships, etc.) in the pursuit of quantity.  Also, I reminded myself how much I detest rigidity in those who don't agree with me, and that perhaps I was displaying that same quality.

 

b.)  I actually have taken some of my relatives to our wonderful toy store that sells all sorts of safe, imaginative toys - nary a battery in sight!  They had a wonderful time playing with my son and the toys, and reminiscing about some of the similar toys they had played with as children.  And I think we're much more likely to receive those sorts of toys, especially now that they've seen how much he enjoys them.

post #69 of 96


I'm saying this with a gentle kind heart. Putting your foot down about your requirements for the gift giver, is being dealt with like most people do with a small child. Parents don't give a child what they want, when it's demanded.  Just as you, "don't owe anyone access" to your baby, they don't owe you toys that are wooden or made out of organic material. You're right, they've raised their children, and they don't owe you or your child anything.

 

30 days was okay to you, but not to them. Do other people's feelings matter at all? Or is mothering thought of as, "My baby!" I think as years go by, you may notice, if you treat others with respect and kindness, they will do the same in return. Until then, I think you'll see the same results-people that don't respect your requests.

 

 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenMama View Post

I am here, and I do appreciate the responses.  I stand firm that my 30-day babymoon was important and okay.  I don't owe anyone access to my baby, and just one month is not a terribly long time.  After all, my in-laws and my parents had their chance to raise their own kids as they wished, and now it's our turn to do the same.  Trust me - my son was still cute after a month.  He was born in the fall, and I really didn't want him exposed to outside germs until he'd built up some immunity.

 

However, I guess I could ease up on the gifts.  I do realize they are given out of love.  However, I almost feel like if I tell you "Do not bring plastic junk into my home" and you still do it, it's like you're doing it on purpose to spite me - like a slap in the face.  I know I need to tone it down.  Grandparents ARE important, I agree, because I was very close with mine.  I guess it's just hard to relinquish any control of this much loved child. 

 

Thank you for your opinions and input.  I do appreciate it.

post #70 of 96

OP, I understand where you're coming from but maybe it would help to not think of it as relinquishing control of the baby but of sharing the baby with family members who also adore him.  I was fortunate enough to have nieces and nephews born before DS1, I even got to be there for one of the births.  It was AMAZING and I'm so glad I got to meet them and snuggle them and take pictures while they were still brand new.  I would have been heartbroken if I couldn't see them for a month so when I had DS1 I realized that his grandparents and aunts and uncles would feel the same way.  I didn't want crowds of people there all the time so they came to visit before we left the hospital, they got to hold and love and photograph (I have a beautiful picture of my huge tattooed BIL holding day-old DS2 with tears in his eyes) and then we took the baby home and had some alone family time.  They came again for half a day when he was around two weeks old, so we had plenty of alone time getting to know our baby, learning how to breastfeed and all that but they still got to get to know him.

 

Also, my MIL, of course, one of those visitors with DS1.  She passed away while I was pregnant with DS2 and I so wish she'd been there to meet him.

 

I think you need to focus on the fact that they love your baby very much and over time he's going to grow to have his own relationship with them and they're going to express their love in their own way.  It may be via plastic, battery operated, Elmo toys that aren't to your specifications, but I'm sure they are bought with love and not intended to be a slap in the face.

post #71 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenMama View Post

I am here, and I do appreciate the responses.  I stand firm that my 30-day babymoon was important and okay.  I don't owe anyone access to my baby, and just one month is not a terribly long time.  After all, my in-laws and my parents had their chance to raise their own kids as they wished, and now it's our turn to do the same.  Trust me - my son was still cute after a month.  He was born in the fall, and I really didn't want him exposed to outside germs until he'd built up some immunity.

 

However, I guess I could ease up on the gifts.  I do realize they are given out of love.  However, I almost feel like if I tell you "Do not bring plastic junk into my home" and you still do it, it's like you're doing it on purpose to spite me - like a slap in the face.  I know I need to tone it down.  Grandparents ARE important, I agree, because I was very close with mine.  I guess it's just hard to relinquish any control of this much loved child. 

 

Thank you for your opinions and input.  I do appreciate it.



 I don't think "I don't owe anyone access to my baby" is a healthy way to think of this.  They love that baby, and if I remember they didn't even get to see a picture for 30 days?  Why not even a picture?  It probably felt to them that you were being cruel.  Here was this brand new baby they already loved and were desperate to see, and they couldn't.  It sounds like you did not intend to be cruel but it was probably still very very hurtful.  Why is having 30 days without letting other people see your baby, or even a picture, important?  I see no value or improved bonding coming from that, and I do see hurt and pain coming from it.

 

And no them giving whatever toys they think your ds will like is not a slap in the face, or even rude.  It's actually ruder to say "do not bring plastic junk into my home."

post #72 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenMama View Post

I am here, and I do appreciate the responses.  I stand firm that my 30-day babymoon was important and okay.  I don't owe anyone access to my baby, and just one month is not a terribly long time.  After all, my in-laws and my parents had their chance to raise their own kids as they wished, and now it's our turn to do the same.  Trust me - my son was still cute after a month.  He was born in the fall, and I really didn't want him exposed to outside germs until he'd built up some immunity.

 

However, I guess I could ease up on the gifts.  I do realize they are given out of love.  However, I almost feel like if I tell you "Do not bring plastic junk into my home" and you still do it, it's like you're doing it on purpose to spite me - like a slap in the face.  I know I need to tone it down.  Grandparents ARE important, I agree, because I was very close with mine.  I guess it's just hard to relinquish any control of this much loved child. 

 

Thank you for your opinions and input.  I do appreciate it.


Allowing people (loving grandparents no less!) to visit is not relinquishing control - its sharing the love.  If you continue to place such stringent restrictions on how, when, where, what gifts can be given, you are diminishing your child's opportunities to forge strong and loving bonds with her extended family. 

 

My parents live 3,000 miles away, and they made plane tickets to come a few weeks after my due date.  As it happened, ds came a bit late, so my dad got here when ds was 6days - I have a photo of my dad holding ds for the first time and it is one of my favorites.  He was so happy, and just seeing that someone else loves my baby was so wonderful for me.  Now ds talks on the phone to grandpa often, and its a great experience for both of them - and adorable for me to see!  My mom came a few days after that (she was staying longer to help, so she couldn't come right away) and it was the same thing all over again - she was so ecstatic to see her first grandchild, and loved him so much. 

 

As for the toys, learn to say "Thank you!!" - then if they aren't up to par, give them to goodwill.

post #73 of 96

Some of my most treasued moments are of my neices holding my three hours old son. They bonded so deeply with him in those moments and they felt so special to be a part of our lives at some an important event.

 

I guess you don't owe anyone access to your baby-but that is a pretty negative way to go through life.

post #74 of 96

Sure, you dont owe anyone anything. I would be heartbroken if I ever heard my daughter say that she didnt owe me access to my own grandchild.

post #75 of 96
Thread Starter 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenMama View Post

I am here, and I do appreciate the responses.  I stand firm that my 30-day babymoon was important and okay.  I don't owe anyone access to my baby, and just one month is not a terribly long time.  After all, my in-laws and my parents had their chance to raise their own kids as they wished, and now it's our turn to do the same.  Trust me - my son was still cute after a month.  He was born in the fall, and I really didn't want him exposed to outside germs until he'd built up some immunity.

 

However, I guess I could ease up on the gifts.  I do realize they are given out of love.  However, I almost feel like if I tell you "Do not bring plastic junk into my home" and you still do it, it's like you're doing it on purpose to spite me - like a slap in the face.  I know I need to tone it down.  Grandparents ARE important, I agree, because I was very close with mine.  I guess it's just hard to relinquish any control of this much loved child. 

 

Thank you for your opinions and input.  I do appreciate it.



 I don't think "I don't owe anyone access to my baby" is a healthy way to think of this.  They love that baby, and if I remember they didn't even get to see a picture for 30 days?  Why not even a picture?  It probably felt to them that you were being cruel.  Here was this brand new baby they already loved and were desperate to see, and they couldn't.  It sounds like you did not intend to be cruel but it was probably still very very hurtful.  Why is having 30 days without letting other people see your baby, or even a picture, important?  I see no value or improved bonding coming from that, and I do see hurt and pain coming from it.

 

And no them giving whatever toys they think your ds will like is not a slap in the face, or even rude.  It's actually ruder to say "do not bring plastic junk into my home."


I'm sorry - I must have miscommunicated that.  We did send out pictures during our babymoon, as well as a few short videos.  We also Skyped with family.  But, I had an extremely traumatic birth experience.  This was my first.  It was cold, RSV, and flu season.  I just wasn't up for visitors, or for my baby possibly getting sick, within the first few weeks of life.  At the end of the day, I felt like I had to protect my child and my home first - and that I had to prioritize his health and safety above others' desire to visit.  I was also having a really emotional few weeks dealing with a UC turned C-section/NICU stay, learning to breastfeed, etc.  Certainly, my 30 day babymoon was not meant to be hurtful - it was meant to attempt to a) keep my baby health and b) reduce stress in our home and c) allow me time to heal.

post #76 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenMama View Post


 


I'm sorry - I must have miscommunicated that.  We did send out pictures during our babymoon, as well as a few short videos.  We also Skyped with family.  But, I had an extremely traumatic birth experience.  This was my first.  It was cold, RSV, and flu season.  I just wasn't up for visitors, or for my baby possibly getting sick, within the first few weeks of life.  At the end of the day, I felt like I had to protect my child and my home first - and that I had to prioritize his health and safety above others' desire to visit.  I was also having a really emotional few weeks dealing with a UC turned C-section/NICU stay, learning to breastfeed, etc.  Certainly, my 30 day babymoon was not meant to be hurtful - it was meant to attempt to a) keep my baby health and b) reduce stress in our home and c) allow me time to heal.



hug.gif

 

post #77 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenMama View Post

I'm sorry - I must have miscommunicated that.  We did send out pictures during our babymoon, as well as a few short videos.  We also Skyped with family.  But, I had an extremely traumatic birth experience.  This was my first.  It was cold, RSV, and flu season.  I just wasn't up for visitors, or for my baby possibly getting sick, within the first few weeks of life.  At the end of the day, I felt like I had to protect my child and my home first - and that I had to prioritize his health and safety above others' desire to visit.  I was also having a really emotional few weeks dealing with a UC turned C-section/NICU stay, learning to breastfeed, etc.  Certainly, my 30 day babymoon was not meant to be hurtful - it was meant to attempt to a) keep my baby health and b) reduce stress in our home and c) allow me time to heal.


hug2.gifI'm sorry that your birthing experience was so hard for you. I just wanted to say, all of what you said here would have made such a difference had you said it in your original post. We all imagined that you had your UC, since you didn't say otherwise, and the thought of having a relatively easy vaginal delivery and then still denying family access to your baby for 30 days (without pictures, videos and Skype) was really hard to swallow-- as you saw!

post #78 of 96

OP - my only response at this point is that I am so sorry you did not view your family as a support after you experienced a traumatic birth experience.  DD's birth was relatively uneventful, but it was so great to have my mom there the very first night she was with us. It was overwhelming to have a new baby and I did not have the birth I planned, so I was not expecting to be in the hospital.  Having my mom with me to help me physically and emotionally was actually really healing.  I know it meant the world to her to be there to support me too. 

post #79 of 96
Quote:
Originally Posted by OpenMama View Post

I am here, and I do appreciate the responses.  I stand firm that my 30-day babymoon was important and okay.  I don't owe anyone access to my baby, and just one month is not a terribly long time.  After all, my in-laws and my parents had their chance to raise their own kids as they wished, and now it's our turn to do the same.  Trust me - my son was still cute after a month.  He was born in the fall, and I really didn't want him exposed to outside germs until he'd built up some immunity.

 

However, I guess I could ease up on the gifts.  I do realize they are given out of love.  However, I almost feel like if I tell you "Do not bring plastic junk into my home" and you still do it, it's like you're doing it on purpose to spite me - like a slap in the face.  I know I need to tone it down.  Grandparents ARE important, I agree, because I was very close with mine.  I guess it's just hard to relinquish any control of this much loved child. 

 

Thank you for your opinions and input.  I do appreciate it.

 

You seem to be saying you've already made up your mind about your perspective on this....so my response may fall on deaf ears, but seriously..."I don't owe anyone access to my baby" is sooooo NOT a healthy attitude. :( First, I don't think anybody here was trying to say that you "owe" anyone anything. All the comments I read (including the one I wrote) are more about being more unselfish and loving and respecting your parents' feelings and their relationship with both you and their grandson.

 

Second point-- you don't own this little ensouled-by-God human being. You're his mama-- of course. But he is also a person in the world now, and he also has a family. I think if you respect your family's wishes to love and spend time with your child, you'll find the results (maybe surprisingly?) very, very rewarding. You are responsible for making the important decisions about your baby and how he's raised, but trying to micro-manage your family's relationship to the baby isn't going to yield good results.

 

Also....I say this very gently, but you're coming across in some of your posts with an ungrateful and hostile attitude. It may just be an online tone thing, I don't know. But I hope you don't speak to your family like that. :( Especially talking about gifts, (GIFTS!) as "cheap plastic crap". Please don't ever say that to anyone who's brought your child a gift!  You have your family's feelings and wishes to show their love in the ways they know how on one hand, and YOUR ideas about how they should be showing this love on the other hand. Is it possible to come up with some kind of balance? If you want your baby to exclusively have wooden and organic cloth items, then you really need to go out and buy them yourself. You just don't dictate to other people what gifts they are to give you. Bad etiquette. And I don't know your family but I'd bet money that their buying you plastic toys that light up, etc. is NOT a personal jap or slap in the face to you. It's just, those are the toys that are popular, those are the toys that you're going to find on store shelves and those are the kinds of toys that babies love. Your parents probably remember that from when you were a baby. :) We have all kinds of little pianos and plastic balls that light up and stuffed animals that play music, etc. and my daughter couldn't be happier with them. 

 

Now...all that said, while my own opinions haven't changed I do feel for you and I understand better now the reason why you did the babymoon the way you did. I didn't have a traumatic birth experience, but I had an EXTREMELY traumatic after-birth experience. The first 30 days of my daughter's life were spent in a windowless room in a NICU, and the hell of it was that she didn't even need to be there. :( (Which is a looong, super long story....buy if you're interested you can PM me or search some of my older posts from the end of last year to get an idea of what happened.) So I do understand that. I had to ask permission from the nurses on duty to pick up my own baby. It was hell. And when I did finalyl bring her home, I did want some time alone with her so we could FINALLY bond in the right way....I had visited her as much as I could in the NICU (unfortunately they wouldn't allow me to room in with her) and my baby completely rejected breastfeeding during that first month. In retrospect I think it was the stress of the NICU on both of us more than anything else, because literally the DAY we brought her home she started nursing like a champ. :) My point in telling you all that is this: not only did we not have any kind of babymoon but I never even get more than 2 uninterrupted hours alone with my baby the whole first month of her life. And guess what? She is very attached to me and we've bonded extemely well. In fact, I couldn't ask for better in that department, and we faced some pretty bleak circumstances there. So having some close family members see your child in his first month will NOT mess up your bonding with him. I can promise you that.

  

Also, as I mentioned in my first post....please understand how relatively expensive and hard to find organic cloth and wooden toys are. They really are. My husband has similar views about toys as you do, but we've only been able to get a few wooden things just because of cost. I would LOVE to get a big set of nice wooden blocks that'll last through all my kids' childhoods, but I can't find any online that we can afford. And I can't find any, period, in the brick and mortar stores we shop at.

 

*HUGS* mama! Sorry if my tone or writing skills were off and if I offended you at all. Not my intention at all.  

post #80 of 96

Gotta chime in here.

OP, I think boundaries are important with family. I had to have some serious boundaries with my Mother wanting to be at my birth and my dh and I wanting her not to be there, which she took very personally. I am glad I had the birth team I had, I am glad we made the choices we did. That being said after 4 days of labor my Mom was the first person I wanted to talk to. I finally understood her in a whole new way. Have you had these feelings too?

My family has been really good about getting excited about wooden toys, and yet I still let my son have the playskool stuff they give him. I have found my own balance and decided to let go of some battles even the ones in my head. I live in a very progressive community and have quite a mix of friends. Some let their kids eat crap and watch tv and some wouldn't let there kid touch anything synthetic or go to a public school.. I fall somewhere in between on most things and have strong feelings on others, and  I think it will continue to evolve.

 I can see all your protection and "fears" are based in love. It's natural to be so protective over something/one who you worked so hard to get here. Your family may or may not  have the patience for the way you are being overprotective, but I imagine they are pretty use to the way you are by now and are hoping you come around in some of the ways most everyone here does too. That being said if you stay rigid you are going to turn into the self-centered grandma who needs major boundaries when your baby has children. 

When I look at how much my parents have become more flexible and willing to change over the years I feel like that is a major reason why we can all still hang around each other and be together. Friends of mine with parents who are rigid and never change their opinions or open their minds in 40 years have very poor relationships with their adult children. Good luck!

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