Good Lord - FUMING! - Page 5

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4-4-10 

OP - my only response at this point is that I am so sorry you did not view your family as a support after you experienced a traumatic birth experience.  DD's birth was relatively uneventful, but it was so great to have my mom there the very first night she was with us. It was overwhelming to have a new baby and I did not have the birth I planned, so I was not expecting to be in the hospital.  Having my mom with me to help me physically and emotionally was actually really healing.  I know it meant the world to her to be there to support me too. 

It's wonderful that you can rely on your family for support, but not all families are like this. My family of origin lives very very far away, and so having them visit is much more of a big hurrah than if they just drove a few hours, so I asked them to wait a month or so to come visit. As much as I love to see them and wanted them to see the baby, I just knew it would be a little stressful for me to be hosting them in another country (some of them hadn't even ever been here before). As it turns out, my dad booked his flight before the birth, and the baby was late, so he was here when the baby was 10 days old. But it was just my dad, he stayed in a hotel, entertained himself for portions of the day, and is just a generally relaxed and non-invasive person.

My in-laws, however.....

They were practically busting down the door to meet the first grandchild. Understandably. The problem: they are pretty invasive, insensitive people. They mean well, but having them over is always a strain, baby or not. They always expect so much from me, and half the time I don't even know what that is. My MIL has turned out to be enormously helpful, but unfortunately my SIL would have insisted on coming with her those first days, so we had to just say no. As I mentioned earlier, that was very smart as I also had a traumatic cesarean birth, and needed time to get over that. The last person I would've wanted to deal with at that time was my SIL.

The OP has not said what her family is like, but I just wanted to say that some families (or family members), unfortunately, offer more stress than support and I totally get not wanting them to come round immediately after the birth.
 

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by OpenMama 

Originally Posted by mamazee 

Originally Posted by OpenMama 

I am here, and I do appreciate the responses.  I stand firm that my 30-day babymoon was important and okay.  I don't owe anyone access to my baby, and just one month is not a terribly long time.  After all, my in-laws and my parents had their chance to raise their own kids as they wished, and now it's our turn to do the same.  Trust me - my son was still cute after a month.  He was born in the fall, and I really didn't want him exposed to outside germs until he'd built up some immunity.

However, I guess I could ease up on the gifts.  I do realize they are given out of love.  However, I almost feel like if I tell you "Do not bring plastic junk into my home" and you still do it, it's like you're doing it on purpose to spite me - like a slap in the face.  I know I need to tone it down.  Grandparents ARE important, I agree, because I was very close with mine.  I guess it's just hard to relinquish any control of this much loved child. 

Thank you for your opinions and input.  I do appreciate it.

 I don't think "I don't owe anyone access to my baby" is a healthy way to think of this.  They love that baby, and if I remember they didn't even get to see a picture for 30 days?  Why not even a picture?  It probably felt to them that you were being cruel.  Here was this brand new baby they already loved and were desperate to see, and they couldn't.  It sounds like you did not intend to be cruel but it was probably still very very hurtful.  Why is having 30 days without letting other people see your baby, or even a picture, important?  I see no value or improved bonding coming from that, and I do see hurt and pain coming from it.

And no them giving whatever toys they think your ds will like is not a slap in the face, or even rude.  It's actually ruder to say "do not bring plastic junk into my home."

I'm sorry - I must have miscommunicated that.  We did send out pictures during our babymoon, as well as a few short videos.  We also Skyped with family.  But, I had an extremely traumatic birth experience.  This was my first.  It was cold, RSV, and flu season.  I just wasn't up for visitors, or for my baby possibly getting sick, within the first few weeks of life.  At the end of the day, I felt like I had to protect my child and my home first - and that I had to prioritize his health and safety above others' desire to visit.  I was also having a really emotional few weeks dealing with a UC turned C-section/NICU stay, learning to breastfeed, etc.  Certainly, my 30 day babymoon was not meant to be hurtful - it was meant to attempt to a) keep my baby health and b) reduce stress in our home and c) allow me time to heal.

Oh well that does make  HUGE difference.  I would hope your family would understand that.  I also have famly who would want to see the baby but would not be supportive or helpful, and I can understand not wanting to entertain people after a traumatic birth experience.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Originally Posted by P.J. 

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4-4-10 

OP - my only response at this point is that I am so sorry you did not view your family as a support after you experienced a traumatic birth experience.  DD's birth was relatively uneventful, but it was so great to have my mom there the very first night she was with us. It was overwhelming to have a new baby and I did not have the birth I planned, so I was not expecting to be in the hospital.  Having my mom with me to help me physically and emotionally was actually really healing.  I know it meant the world to her to be there to support me too. 

It's wonderful that you can rely on your family for support, but not all families are like this. My family of origin lives very very far away, and so having them visit is much more of a big hurrah than if they just drove a few hours, so I asked them to wait a month or so to come visit. As much as I love to see them and wanted them to see the baby, I just knew it would be a little stressful for me to be hosting them in another country (some of them hadn't even ever been here before). As it turns out, my dad booked his flight before the birth, and the baby was late, so he was here when the baby was 10 days old. But it was just my dad, he stayed in a hotel, entertained himself for portions of the day, and is just a generally relaxed and non-invasive person.

My in-laws, however.....

They were practically busting down the door to meet the first grandchild. Understandably. The problem: they are pretty invasive, insensitive people. They mean well, but having them over is always a strain, baby or not. They always expect so much from me, and half the time I don't even know what that is. My MIL has turned out to be enormously helpful, but unfortunately my SIL would have insisted on coming with her those first days, so we had to just say no. As I mentioned earlier, that was very smart as I also had a traumatic cesarean birth, and needed time to get over that. The last person I would've wanted to deal with at that time was my SIL.

The OP has not said what her family is like, but I just wanted to say that some families (or family members), unfortunately, offer more stress than support and I totally get not wanting them to come round immediately after the birth.
 

I wasn't trying to be snarky - I meant it.  Clearly the OP does not feel that her family would have been a support in the aftermath of a traumatic birth experience and I feel really sad for her for that. 

[P.J.]

Oh, I didn't read your post as snarky at all. I was just trying to provide the other experience.

[tzs]

i have to agree with the OP on the babymoon deal, especially after learning the details. heck, i had a non-traumatic birth and still, i wish i had set some serious limits with family. yes, they were so excited about dd, sure, we have a great relationship, and yes, they did want to help...or so they say....but even so...each of them is so not a help in their own way. 

FIL came to see her hours after the birth, literally at 6 am...my first opportunity to get some rest after being up all night birthing a child. missed that nap alot. had to let him hold my hours old kiddo reaking of pipe smoke. nice.

when MIL came dd was tucked under my shirt to raise her low body temp and she kept trying to guilt me into taking her out so she could hold her. sheesh....she was in there to avoid being put under the lights in the nursery for chrissakes. 

my parents were just mainly an intrusion at all the wrong times. dad trying to take pictures literally under my shirt as we were nursing. um...no! (i don;t think he made the connection that there was nakedness under there.)

and at home, visits from the IL's are always more about running around fetching them drinks. my parents don;t really know how to help so it's just not a help. and then with the doorbell ringing all day for a week with unannounced visitors in the middle of her nap, when i finally caught a short break, when we were nursing, making me run up and down the stairs, making sure the house was presentable. it was tough and these are all people who meant well and who i love.

dd's grandparents adore her and she loves them but alot of stress could have been avoided in those first couple weeks with some tough limits or maybe some strict visiting hours. 

if you had added an unexpected c-section and nicu stay i'd be holed up also. (except that i had no idea that limits existed....but i do now!)

[SeattleRain]

I also had a traumatic C-section (I was way overdue) and my son had a NICU stay for something really insignificant right after his birth and my in laws are out of the country. They came the day I was discharged from the hospital and pretty much were a nuisance for the week up until my son's bris. When they left I breathed a sigh of relief. I just wanted my privacy and I wanted everyone out of my little house. Maybe next time I'll have a weeklong babymoon, but the reality is that that time has passed. I think it's a "first baby" thing that becomes impossible when you're dealing with the needs of a newborn AND another one. A month really is a long time, I can't imagine that I personally could have made it that long without the support of my family coming in and cooking dinner and doing my laundry so that I could bond with my new son.

It seems like the trend of your post is that you want things to go a certain way and it's not happening that way and its irritating to you. I totally feel you. It seems like you also think people are going against you personally when they don't follow your instructions, and maybe that's causing you to have your feelings hurt. I can totally understand that too. I think you might just want to reexamine the things that are really important to you. I guarantee that it won't be plastic toys or Elmo spoons. More important than the toys they play with is that the people they love play with them, and more important than the plates they eat out of is the food that goes in the plate.

Grandparents are in limited supply. My grandparents all passed away when I was very young and I didn't have access to them. I wish that I'd been able to have the relationship my parents have with my son with my own grandparents. If you make a big deal about the little stuff (plastic toys definitely being the little stuff), you might get your way. They might not be too interested in hanging out with your baby because there are too many rules and they don't want to do the wrong thing. What a shame.

[megapeg]

I am a big fan of not making excuses for the way you parent.  I think it's absolutely reasonable to request a period of privacy after a baby is born, and frankly wish I'd done the same.  My in-laws decided to visit (and stay in our house) for the longest 10 days of my life; 10 days which I really wish I had back, which I wish I had spent snuggling in bed with my baby.

I think the OP knows her situation well, and made the best choice she could for her family.

As for the toxic toys, though... there's just no real way to win there.  You can explain your philosophy as carefully as possible, set up gift registries and wish lists, and you're still going to get some plastic crap.  I think that in overall quantities, as long as you keep it to a minimum and don't add to it yourself, you're probable fine from a toxicity standpoint.  We try to curb it by asking for very specific things for the baby ("Gee, Mom... I've been trying to find one of those toys where there are different colors of twisted wire and little beads that move up and down and around them, but I don't even know where to look!  I remember loving mine, and I'd love Baby to have one, too!"), or to give the Grandmas projects that they can complete (those "Grandma" books are great, where they fill in things from their lives so the baby can remember them forever; requesting an heirloom version of whatever craft they're into [a crochet blanket, scrapbook, painting, etc.], "help" - even if you don't really need it - organizing a photo album, etc.) -- this keeps them busy and makes them feel like they really contributed.  I also made a steadfast rule that if they'd like to buy toys with batteries for the baby, those toys would live at their houses.  This was a reasonable compromise, and actually keeps the baby occupied when we visit what would otherwise be a boring place for him.  And yeah, some stuff will sneak in.  You can choose how to deal with it... we just sort of let it go as long as it's not TOO bad... but it'll be there and getting angry will only drive you crazy.  

[SeattleRain]

You know what I think bothers me? The comments that "30 days really isn't that long" or that the baby was still cute after 30 days. I guess it's a flippancy about how long that time feels to others. I guess it's okay to take that time, many people take time after the birth to bond with the baby. If you have a traumatic birth and your baby is in the NICU and you want to protect against germs, fine, take the time. But I guess don't act as if it's not a big deal, because to others it IS a big deal. Maybe acknowledging how they feel will help them relate better to what you need from them.

[coffeegirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeattleRain 

You know what I think bothers me? The comments that "30 days really isn't that long" or that the baby was still cute after 30 days. I guess it's a flippancy about how long that time feels to others. I guess it's okay to take that time, many people take time after the birth to bond with the baby. If you have a traumatic birth and your baby is in the NICU and you want to protect against germs, fine, take the time. But I guess don't act as if it's not a big deal, because to others it IS a big deal. Maybe acknowledging how they feel will help them relate better to what you need from them.

What bugs me is the incessant "cheap plastic crap" comments. NOT just from the OP....It's all over this thread actually.   I just think that's kind of snobby and unnecessarily rude, especially when you're talking about GIFTS.

OK mini-rant over.
 

[tzs]

Originally Posted by coffeegirl 

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeattleRain 

You know what I think bothers me? The comments that "30 days really isn't that long" or that the baby was still cute after 30 days. I guess it's a flippancy about how long that time feels to others. I guess it's okay to take that time, many people take time after the birth to bond with the baby. If you have a traumatic birth and your baby is in the NICU and you want to protect against germs, fine, take the time. But I guess don't act as if it's not a big deal, because to others it IS a big deal. Maybe acknowledging how they feel will help them relate better to what you need from them.

What bugs me is the incessant "cheap plastic crap" comments. NOT just from the OP....It's all over this thread actually.   I just think that's kind of snobby and unnecessarily rude, especially when you're talking about GIFTS.

OK mini-rant over.
 

true dat. i have some expensive plastic non-crap and some cheap plastic non-crap as well as some cheap wooden crap. it's like that old saturday night live skit with the frankenstein that walked around saying "wood.good." 

[AislinCarys]

About the babymoon, I do understand you (although did you say no photos for the grandparents? Why?). I wish I could have had a longer babymoon, it just so quickly spiralled out of control. And it wasn't even that bad, everyone was really nice, but I think I'd have needed more time off from the world to get over the birth and having a baby and getting into better headspace, with just DH and DD. Most people around us seemed upset we didn't allow any visitors at the hospital (and we left the hospital as soon as was possible, the day after the birth).

About organic, wooden safe etc. stuff. Well, it was really important to us too. Now she's nearly three, and we've relaxed a bit, and she has a few plastic things, and a few pieces of non-organic clothing (and plenty of great hand-me-down non-organic stuff!).

But I think about what a friend of mine said a while back, when she came by with a bag of old cloth diapers (for me to hand on to a friend with a little baby). I said something about it being great that they were hand-me-downs, well-washed etc. And she said that new mums can sometimes be a bit precious about everything being perfect for their baby. I agreed, and recalled that I hadn't been keen on hand-me-downs when DD was tiny. My friend (a mother of three) laughed, and said that every first-time mum had a right to be a bit precious about these things!

So that is what I say to you. It is ok to be a bit precious bout these things, for now. But try to keep it a bit low-key. Yes, keep all of that from your baby. Yes, do tell your family (in a nice way) what is important to you, and what you want your baby to be exposed to. But try not to get into fights over it. It isn't worth it in the long run. (And in the end, you might change a little bit how you feel about it, and they might come around a little bit too! )

[Greenlea]

I can understand a babymoon.  I just couldn't possibly have gone 30 days without my mother to help me with being a first time mommy myself.  Perhaps you are not close to your mom in that way?  We planned on not having anyone at our birth either.  My mom just showed up to the hospital though without asking or calling while I was still in labor, and I am ever so grateful she did.  I regret not inviting her myself instead of her coming herself.  With my second, I made plans to have her there.

[Munchkinmaker]

This may be a fun/light read for you right now OP ;)

http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/01/29/what-ive-learned-in-a-decade-of-parenting-2/

[tzs]

Originally Posted by AislinCarys 

Ab
But I think about what a friend of mine said a while back, when she came by with a bag of old cloth diapers (for me to hand on to a friend with a little baby). I said something about it being great that they were hand-me-downs, well-washed etc. And she said that new mums can sometimes be a bit precious about everything being perfect for their baby. I agreed, and recalled that I hadn't been keen on hand-me-downs when DD was tiny. My friend (a mother of three) laughed, and said that every first-time mum had a right to be a bit precious about these things!

 

this is said so sweetly!

[Dandelionkid]

I really started my journey as a mother with a chip on my shoulder- sure that everyone else was going to judge my "extreme choices". It really affected my perspective and I was very defensive from the get-go and unwilling to give up any control. It was my right to act this way but my perspective has really changed. Facilitating loving relationships between my children and their relatives is one of the best gifts I could ever give them. Far more important then worrying about the meaning of the "crappy" gifts.

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by Munchkinmaker 

This may be a fun/light read for you right now OP

http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/01/29/what-ive-learned-in-a-decade-of-parenting-2/

Wow, that was awesome, thank you so much! I know I can be too rigid and controlling, for example about what goes into my son's mouth (all organic, whole food, etc)...but sometimes I do have a flash of insight, for example yesterday as I realized the cheese I just gave him was not organic, that you know what? He will survive this, and it won't even cause any damage if he sometimes has non-organic cheese.

I think plenty of us new mamas on MDC could use to read this!