or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › February Dating Thread - let Cupid take aim & surprise us with new Valentines!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

February Dating Thread - let Cupid take aim & surprise us with new Valentines!

post #1 of 106
Thread Starter 
I think many of us need and deserve entirely fresh contenders. Crossing my fingers that we'll all (those of us who don't currently have a guy meeting our needs) find them. Maybe not by V-day, but.... Let's put ourselves out there & let the universe deliver!

I'll ask a February question:

Those of us who are open to a new guy, how do you plan on being visible enough for him to find you? Online profile? Flirting at work or standing in line at the grocery store? Telling friends to set you up? Getting all hotted up & going out? All four methods? Some fifth option I don't know about?
post #2 of 106

I will hopefully be hearing back from my online guy about meeting in person soon!  He was away this weekend so maybe today he will message me :)  I'm excited and nervous about the possibility of going on a date!!!

 

So far my plan for meeting people has been mainly online.  My friends have made a couple of attempts to set me up.  The first guy I just wasn't ready at the time and now he has a gf.  The second guy they invited to a party so I did meet him but I just didn't feel any connection with him.  Oh there's a third guy too but he's just not really long-term relationship material (my friend thinks he would be good for a fling, but I'm not really that kind of person!)

 

I am way too shy to just flirt with random people I meet while out!  I wish I had that kind of confidance though!

post #3 of 106

I joined Okcupid and have been chatting to two guys. One is probably not a good match but the other seems really nice. We've been emailing for almost 3 weeks. I don't want to offer my number and he's not asked for it so we will see.

 

Just before Christmas I started chatting to a guy at the check out line. He was easy to talk to but was having a blind date the next evening. That was a dead end! I think I have a mean look when I go grocery shopping which would scare anyone away. I've been told by a friend that my body language sucks so I have to work on that!

 

I did go one one date about two weeks ago which was fun, but I had a hangover and he was too mature for me, and I too young for him lol.

post #4 of 106

I am not at this point yet but wanted to ask how long after splitting with your ex that you started getting back out there and looking for a new guy friend??

post #5 of 106

hillymum ~ Be sure to answer lots of the match questions... it's actually really helpful to get quiver matches of very good potentials... I met a wonderful friend through okc... as well as my current honey!!!  :D

 

 

I'm totally in love.  I got my weekend, and it just cemented things even more that this man is the most genuine, loving and caring man I have ever met!!!!  Not a red flag anywhere... I got sick Saturday night (stupid freakin fibro)  He TOOK CARE OF ME!!!  Never once even hinted at making me feel bad about it like others would have to me.  As soon as I got sick, he was right there asking me what he could do.  He stayed up most of the night just rubbing my back!!!  Amazing, amazing, amazing.

 

His Mom pulled me aside at lunch on Saturday (he is currently living with his parents while he finishes getting his house move-in able) and she told me how awesome it was to finally see her DS bring home someone who genuinely loves him back and isn't just taking advantage of his giving heart.  She pulled me into a big hug and told me she whole heartedly accepts me and my children!  OMG, melt!  lol

 

My love is planning all these cute daytrips for my kids and I.  He's so excited to get his house finished to have us up for dinner so he can make a sheet fort in the living room with DD.  How cute is that? 

 

I've never been loved or treated like this in my life.  I'm so far above cloud 9 it's ridiculous.  :-D

post #6 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post

I am not at this point yet but wanted to ask how long after splitting with your ex that you started getting back out there and looking for a new guy friend??


Seven months before I started really talking to people.  But everyone heals/is ready at their own pace.
 

post #7 of 106

PM - That is sooo great!  I am so happy for you :)  Having a guy (and his family) accept both me and my son is something that I worry about, I hope I can have a situation like yours in my future!

 

Martha - my stbx and I have been separated for over a year now (since Dec '09).  It's been a gradual process to get to where I am now and actually up until the last month I wasn't too sure if I was ready.  I am pretty sure that I finally am ready :D

post #8 of 106

I think I'm out of the dating thing this month. The stuff with Fireman just rattled me. 5 months of talking, 2 of those talking 1-3 hrs every night and multiple times through the day, and seeing each other 2-3 times/wk. Then nothing. I know he's got to work on his own stuff with his ex and I respect that cause Lord knows I've had my own ex dramas. But even though he says "you're still in my life; i just don't want my problems with her to affect me and you" I just feel like it's completely over and I need to take some time, lick my wounds and regroup and decide what I want. So, I think February for me will be about ME. I'm going to enjoy my kids, enjoy my friends, spend too much money on books for my Kindle, and reevaluate where I am in terms of dating and wanting another person in my life.

post #9 of 106
Thread Starter 

 



What I hate is that you & Fireman didn't decide that *together.* he could have said, "Yikes, a lot of drama in my life this week(or these couple of weeks), so I can't imagine my not being on edge & spewing negative energy towards everyone I come into contact with right now, so, what do YOU think, would it offend you if I just get back to you in a week (or 2), when I'm not tightly wound up about this other stuff and can be a normal human again?"

And you could have answered with, "drop me an email every 3-5 days just checking in and let's put something fun on the calendar to loom forward to that's not for another month, so that gives things time to settle down and life to return to normal before expecting too much from one another, and in that case I see no problem with 'hibernating' our contact level for 1-2 or even 3 weeks while you sort stuff out."

Or some similar respectful negotiation, if you catch my drift.

It sounds like you are in the passenger seat in how you think about how your relationship with the fireman just sorta 'happens to you' where you have no say & your preferences and needs aren't being taken into account, and that's not a relationship at all.

Next!!!!
post #10 of 106

Haydn's mommy, I think ButterflyMom has a point, but I can also see how it happens... I have been in that sort of situation myself. I'm not sure what the answer is.

I'm a little confused, b/c I just read some stuff online(this woman who's written an e-book on the topic of relats) about how to approach relationships with men and it had this check list of stuff 'never to do', b/c it means you are 'chasing a guy'...and it was ALL stuff I've been doing, which if I didn't do, I think I'd just be exactly in the passenger seat, as you say Butterflymom... i.e. 'Asking the man about his feelings about the relationship/ ie where you are 'at' together', 'calling him before he calls you', etc.

 

It also strongly suggests continuing to see other men (openly, not secretly) until you have a firm commitment from the man - a bit like in the olden days when women 'were courted' and then chose the best suitor, sort of thing. Sigh. The idea being that when you continue to date others, you give of a different 'vibe', ie not a needy desperate vibe, that the man you're really interested in can sense. As soon as he knows he has your exclusivity, he loses interest...it's so old fashioned! I can see the woman's point, but I always think, would I want HIM to keep dating other women? Absolutely not, so how could I do it then? Hhmm. She said something about not committing to the man till HE'S committed to YOU. I think that's maybe where I've gone a bit wrong. I mean, LCG was seriously pursuing me, I wasn't interested, then he 'got' me, and now he's a bit hot and cold, ever since I started developing feelings for him. It's not as if I said I was in love with him, and I'm not, but he does know how much I like him. I really just feel more and more clueless about this dating thing, and long for the simple days when I could just get together with someone, get on track with them and know where I stand in weeks! I know, I know, those days are gone!

 

I'd love to know what you ladies think of these ideas, and how you approach it...

post #11 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post


 

I'm totally in love. 

 

His Mom pulled me aside at lunch on Saturday (he is currently living with his parents while he finishes getting his house move-in able) and she told me how awesome it was to finally see her DS bring home someone who genuinely loves him back and isn't just taking advantage of his giving heart. 

 


Hey PM. How long have you been talking with him? How many actual dates? How many overnights?  I think calling it love is premature. :bag Infatuation, limerance, attraction, connection can all happen quickly--but I do think adult love takes time to develop. The first 6 months is the dreamy time--what happens after that 6 months is what I would start using as an indicator. Having strong feelings quickly CAN be a red flag in itself.

 

What his mother said actually concerns me. It shows he has a pattern of rescuing women. His mother thinks he has been taken advantage of repeatedly. He's giving--that's good. But if he gets tired in 6 or 8 months then all of a sudden it might be you taking advantage of that giving heart.

 

End of reality check. I'm glad you are getting out there. It's fun to have positive attention.

post #12 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oh the Irony View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post


 

I'm totally in love. 

 

His Mom pulled me aside at lunch on Saturday (he is currently living with his parents while he finishes getting his house move-in able) and she told me how awesome it was to finally see her DS bring home someone who genuinely loves him back and isn't just taking advantage of his giving heart. 

 


Hey PM. How long have you been talking with him? How many actual dates? How many overnights?  I think calling it love is premature. :bag Infatuation, limerance, attraction, connection can all happen quickly--but I do think adult love takes time to develop. The first 6 months is the dreamy time--what happens after that 6 months is what I would start using as an indicator. Having strong feelings quickly CAN be a red flag in itself.

 

What his mother said actually concerns me. It shows he has a pattern of rescuing women. His mother thinks he has been taken advantage of repeatedly. He's giving--that's good. But if he gets tired in 6 or 8 months then all of a sudden it might be you taking advantage of that giving heart.

 


PM - I really didn't want to be the one to say this, so I'm glad someone else did.  Can you go back to that book I made you read and check out the profiles of abusive men again?  There is one that is known for rescuing women.  I'm a little worried about how fast this is all going.

post #13 of 106

I heard back from my online guy and he would like to meet this weekend - eek!!  He actually sent his phone number but I really don't want to call.  I am soo not a phone person.  I am excited about going on a date but I'm nervous too.  And I'm feeling unsure about how he would/will handle being in a relationship with someone with a child (he has no kids).  He knows I have a son.  But it is a whole different reality once you have a child and I'm not sure he will get it.  I guess I will see what his attitude about it is when I meet him in person.  Does anyone else have experience dating someone without kids? 

post #14 of 106


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by haydn'smommy View Post

I think I'm out of the dating thing this month. The stuff with Fireman just rattled me. 5 months of talking, 2 of those talking 1-3 hrs every night and multiple times through the day, and seeing each other 2-3 times/wk. Then nothing. I know he's got to work on his own stuff with his ex and I respect that cause Lord knows I've had my own ex dramas. But even though he says "you're still in my life; i just don't want my problems with her to affect me and you" I just feel like it's completely over and I need to take some time, lick my wounds and regroup and decide what I want. So, I think February for me will be about ME. I'm going to enjoy my kids, enjoy my friends, spend too much money on books for my Kindle, and reevaluate where I am in terms of dating and wanting another person in my life.


After reading your other posts about Fireman, I think this seems like a REALLY good idea. Hugs.

post #15 of 106


devaya, can you make a checklist from that resource?
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

, b/c I just read some stuff online(this woman who's written an e-book on the topic of relats) about how to approach relationships with men and it had this check list of stuff 'never to do', b/c it means you are 'chasing a guy'...and it was ALL stuff I've been doing, which if I didn't do, I think I'd just be exactly in the passenger seat, as you say Butterflymom... i.e. 'Asking the man about his feelings about the relationship/ ie where you are 'at' together', 'calling him before he calls you', etc. 

post #16 of 106

Zeta Zeta, do you mean you want me to post the full checklist on here? Or are you questioning whether it's a good idea to do it.. not sure!

post #17 of 106


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Oh the Irony View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post


 

I'm totally in love. 

 

His Mom pulled me aside at lunch on Saturday (he is currently living with his parents while he finishes getting his house move-in able) and she told me how awesome it was to finally see her DS bring home someone who genuinely loves him back and isn't just taking advantage of his giving heart. 

 


Hey PM. How long have you been talking with him? How many actual dates? How many overnights?  I think calling it love is premature. :bag Infatuation, limerance, attraction, connection can all happen quickly--but I do think adult love takes time to develop. The first 6 months is the dreamy time--what happens after that 6 months is what I would start using as an indicator. Having strong feelings quickly CAN be a red flag in itself.

 

What his mother said actually concerns me. It shows he has a pattern of rescuing women. His mother thinks he has been taken advantage of repeatedly. He's giving--that's good. But if he gets tired in 6 or 8 months then all of a sudden it might be you taking advantage of that giving heart.

 


PM - I really didn't want to be the one to say this, so I'm glad someone else did.  Can you go back to that book I made you read and check out the profiles of abusive men again?  There is one that is known for rescuing women.  I'm a little worried about how fast this is all going.


didn't wanna say it, but i've been a bit worried about this too.  sulkoff.gif

post #18 of 106

PM come back!!!  We don't want to upset you, which is why all of us were hesitant to post, but we are worried.  Only b/c we care about you and your precious babies.  I so wish you could move into your own place - I think that would be so good for you.

post #19 of 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

Zeta Zeta, do you mean you want me to post the full checklist on here? Or are you questioning whether it's a good idea to do it.. not sure!



if you could post the checklist?  I am intrigued.

 

This is one thing I think I'm realizing, from what you are describing, plus the "he's just not that into you" stuff I've seen:

 

If you are taking the initiative on connection/communication/commitment issues that's a bad thing.  I used to think that was considered a bad thing just because you seem needy, which never sat right with me because I always just want to be myself, but what I'm realizing is that the real issue there is that if he is not already doing those things, he's just not that into you, and you should look elsewhere.  so whereas i used to think i was supposed to just hang in there with it and keep my mouth shut, what i think the advice is really is to take note of those things being missing and hold out for them- with someone else.

 

not sure if i'm making any sense!

post #20 of 106
Thread Starter 
Zeta you make tons of sense. I like that.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Single Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › February Dating Thread - let Cupid take aim & surprise us with new Valentines!