My two cents worth on dating while holding a candle for someone else: full disclosure and you're good to go. If he knows where you are at, and chooses to hang out with you as a friend or date, that's his choice. I don't think it's inherently wrong. The other question is, whether it truly feels like the nicest thing to do for yourself, or if you would be getting into something that would be dangerous for *you*. That one I think is where you need to more carefully weigh things. If it does feel like a self-caring thing to do, fully let the guy know where you're at, and go for it.
On a totally other topic:
One of the dynamics that he's just not that into you does not really go into is the dynamic of you reading the signs, then ending the relationship, then the guy making a commitment to avoid losing you. I think this is a tricky one. Because sometimes a guy who really is "just not that into you" will step up in order to avoid totally losing a relationship, out of fear. I am thinking back over my relationship with my ex-h, and in retrospect he sent about a billion signs that he was just not that into me, but I did not take it seriously, and did not give him an ultimatum but just sort of waited it out for 5 years, and eventually he proposed to marry me, and he seemed really into it, but in retrospect he probably just did not know what else to do since we had been living together for so long and were the age when everyone marries and starts having kids. I guess I'm really into the "he's just not that into you" philosophy and in the future I want to be more discerning about commitment that is something other than true passion and abiding love. I want to really hold out for the latter.
My news is just that although I'm dating no-one, I am starting to feel something totally TOTALLY new and exciting in my life. For the first time I am without a man and am not lonely, in fact I almost feel like I am "falling for myself." Not in an ego sense at all. Just in a sense of really developing a kindness and attentivness to myself and my needs, and really appreciating myself (as opposed to judging myself or trying to see myself through a prospective partner's eyes). I have so much more peace and stability in my life now that I am not with anyone, too.
This developing relationship with myself is what I most wanted for this year. In church they said think of what you most want and don't be afraid to ask god for it. I said I wanted a true partner, but more than anything I wanted to learn to be truly happy without one. In Nov/Dec/Jan I was so lonely I could literally feel a bodily ache. I even talked to one x about possibly getting back together and I am so glad we both pulled back from that one. PHEW!
It feels new and fragile, but I am so grateful for this new experience.
As I have posted here before, I have decided that casual dating really has not worked well for me, I would prefer to be alone than be with someone not into me, or whom I'm not totally into. So it's good to see that for at least stretches of what may be a long wait, I will be happy on my own.
Thanks for listening!