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~~~~FEBRUARY 2011 INFERTILITY ONE THREAD!!!~~~~

post #1 of 48
Thread Starter 

A monthly thread to talk about all of our various journeys through the difficult, trying, and often heartbreaking world of infertility. This thread is a place to chat, vent, get support, cheer each other on, and hopefully occasionally laugh!


Trying to Conceive #1

First Shot Photo - TTC #1 since Feb 09. Hoping 50mg of Clomid is the answer!

SimplyRochelle - TTC #1 since May 2007; one loss at 12 weeks in September 2008; seeking holistic treatment and continuing naturally at this point; 2 failed clomid cycles; crappy insurance and limited financial resources while in nursing school keep us from going further but we'll get there one day

ValH - TTC#1 since 01/10 with LP defect and a blocked fallopian tube. Now on Clomid and praying for a miracle. songtothemoon - TTC#1 since May 2009. Attempting IVF in the very near future!

rhiandmoi - TTC #1 since November 2008. Just starting to get tested to see what is going on.

Silverbird - TTC #1 with MFI and one ovary

AutumnLaughing~32, TTC #1 since June of 2008, PCOS + possible endo, clear HSG, using progesterone cream, DH ambivilent due to unemployment.

Blueyezz4~ TTC #1 (technically #4 -long story) since 2006; Moving on to our first FET after 5 failed IUI's and 1 IVF.  Hoping & praying for a miracle. Mother to our twins boys -lost at 22.5wks on 6-20-09 and another little IVF angel in heaven lost at 8wks!


indianagrl~36, DH also 36. TTC #1 since 10/08 with unexplained infertility.

fierrbug Tiara (33), DH (34) – TTC #1 since 2001, 3 mc’s. Adult Growth Hormone Deficiency (AGHD) which relates to other hormone/insulin/egg quality issues + some clotting properties. In limbo awaiting a miracle to get GH injections in conjunction with a future IUI.

stretch358~TTC since Aug. 08 with hashimoto's thyroiditis. Other than that the RE says Unexplained Infertility.


ladylaura~Laura, 25, TTC#1 since May 2007, using donor sperm b/c of husband's genetic defect.

InGodsHands- Me:30 Mild Endo, Possible PCOS; DH: 32 Perfect except for low morphology. TTC #1 since March 08. Currently doing 2nd IUI with femera/follistim/trigger. Hoping for a miracle!

simplymere~ pregnant once 2 years ago, lost pregnancy. Trying Clomid for the first time now, due to not feeling sure about having medical help. Did have moderate endometriosis removed Febuary 2009. Overall a frustrating journey.



Trying To Conceive #2

Wallabi - Sara, mama to a fabulous four year old who came home at age two and a half, fighting primary infertility on and off since 2002 with endo and gluten troubles - one year gluten free! - hoping 2011 will see me pregnant!

mindfulmomma - TTC#2 since April 2009. Unexplained Secondary Infertility. Had HSG, bloodwork and Clomid challenge so far.

Jenger - TTC#2 since August 2009, diagnosed with mild hypothyroidism in August 2010


 

tryingfortwo - TTC#2 since Nov 2008.  Unexplained secondary infertility, hoping that a naturopath can figure out what's going on and recommend something that will help us get PG!


Trying To Conceive #3


zanelee- TTC#3 for 4 years now. Secondary IF due to cervical cancer surgery, and possibly non-care from doctor at that time. May have other issues now related to the non-care. (Trying not to be bitter) Dh SA is great. Have our first RE appt. next week. Praying!

NishaG - TTC #3 since January 2009.



Trying To Conceive #4

MoOnFiReGlOw - TTC #4 since April '09. Had MFI due to medications. Now off meds for 1 month and hoping to get a bfp here soon.



Taking a Break

MrsD08~Samantha 24, DH 31, TTC Baby D. #1 since September 2009 with male factor infertility. Saw a new Urologist 2/23 and 4/18. He does not want to proceed with ANYTHING until we get a SA....UGHHHHHH! First RE appt. 7/14!



Graduates
(May everyone who passes through this thread find her way to this section!)

 

 Tear78, Lesliesara63, no5no5, Minkajane, EastbayK, Grapesbunch, thtr4me, alexaskj, trumpcard, poetgirl, ann_of_loxley, Brichole1214



Losses

Milletpuff, Victorian Patch, lovebug


Missing in Action
I just went through and deleted those who haven't posted since May. If you are still lurking but haven't posted let me know and I'll add you again!!


PLEASE let the thread keeper know if there is anything you would like to add/ delete/ change from your synopsis above. Bolding requests is appreciated!


Weekend Wrap-Up
Name:
Age:
TTC #:
CD:
DPO (if applicable):
Testing:
Trying Since:
Plan for this Cycle:
Link to Chart (if applicable):
Thoughts:



 


Edited by brichole1214 - 2/6/11 at 4:00pm
post #2 of 48
Thread Starter 

Please come join us for a new month of ups and down!!! (i know the downs sounds like a bummer but we are here to support each other through our hard times!!)  

 

 

And i'm PRAYING that everyone gets to graduate soon!!!!

post #3 of 48

Thanks Brichole for starting this!! I remember when you first got your miracle and I can't even believe she will be almost a month old already!!!  I haven't posted much lately, but I'm always lurking around this thread.  Could you please change my little blurb to say : TTC #1 (technically #4 -long story) since 2006; Moving on to our first FET after 5 failed IUI's and 1 IVF.  Hoping & praying for a miracle. Mother to our twins boys -lost at 22.5wks on 6-20-09 and another little IVF angel in heaven lost at 8wks!

 

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Blueyezz4
Age: 33 (34 in Feb)
TTC #: 1 (but technically would be #4 if we hadn't lost the first 3)
CD:  who knows... still have hcg in my system after this last m/c so I'm hoping it will go away and AF will show up ASAP!!
DPO (if applicable): see above answer. greensad.gif
Testing:  Nope
Trying Since: 2006
Plan for this Cycle:  Waiting for hcg to fully leave my body and then AF needs to show up and then on our 2nd cycle we can do a FET.
Link to Chart (if applicable): n/a
Thoughts:  I'm tired of this cold weather and I think a warm vacation could do me some good!  Unfortunately just found out today i have to have a 2nd elbow surgery maybe next week.... sometimes all you can do is wonder!?!?!?!?!?!

post #4 of 48

I'm newish to mothering and found my way here from ovusoft (now TCOYF)  That place just isn't the same anymore...

I dealt with primary infertility from 2004-2008 until I got pregnant from my first IVF cycle.  Prior to that I had done two IUI's and many months of clomid.  I have a blocked tube, endo & POF ( FSH 9, AMH .9).  Oh and apparently now I have thyroid issues we'll have to address before I cycle again.  We had 4 frostie's from our first IVF, but unfortunately we just had a failed FET in November and had to thaw all of them to get 2 to transfer so we're back to the drawing table.  We're going to give IVF one more go-around before we call it a day so I'm really just biding my time until March to do our last IVF cycle. 

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Lari
Age: 34, turn 35 this month (ah yes, if I ever do get pregnant now I will be of "advanced maternal age")
TTC #: 2
CD: 14
DPO (if applicable): I think I ovulate today.
Testing:, umm yeah, no need, my cycles only run like 26 days max, gotta love that short luteal phase....
Trying Since: DS was born/ 2008
Plan for this Cycle: DHEA, vitex, prenatal, vit C ( anyone have anything they reccommend, I'm listening)
Link to Chart (if applicable):  http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/14c337
Thoughts:


 

post #5 of 48

Thanks Brichole!  I appreciate this!

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Jenger
Age: 35 (36 is six weeks)
TTC #:2
CD: 31, (Or it could be cd1 - I am spotting, ready to start)
DPO (if applicable): 15, thanks to progesterone!
Trying Since: August '09
Plan for this Cycle: Get a follicule count and more cd3 bloodwork, possibly a clomid challenge test.  If not a cct, I will take femara.
Link to Chart (if applicable):
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/jenger  not much there, 'cause I just us a monitor...
Thoughts:  I hate this.  I hate having to face another day, still barren and broken.  Not to mention my job is dwindling away, and it would be a nice time to have a stinkin' baby.  I don' know that I can take it.  Where's my warm bed and chocolate?

post #6 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueyezz4 View Post

Thanks Brichole for starting this!! I remember when you first got your miracle and I can't even believe she will be almost a month old already!!!  I haven't posted much lately, but I'm always lurking around this thread.  Could you please change my little blurb to say : TTC #1 (technically #4 -long story) since 2006; Moving on to our first FET after 5 failed IUI's and 1 IVF.  Hoping & praying for a miracle. Mother to our twins boys -lost at 22.5wks on 6-20-09 and another little IVF angel in heaven lost at 8wks!

 

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Blueyezz4
Age: 33 (34 in Feb)
TTC #: 1 (but technically would be #4 if we hadn't lost the first 3)
CD:  who knows... still have hcg in my system after this last m/c so I'm hoping it will go away and AF will show up ASAP!!
DPO (if applicable): see above answer. greensad.gif
Testing:  Nope
Trying Since: 2006
Plan for this Cycle:  Waiting for hcg to fully leave my body and then AF needs to show up and then on our 2nd cycle we can do a FET.
Link to Chart (if applicable): n/a
Thoughts:  I'm tired of this cold weather and I think a warm vacation could do me some good!  Unfortunately just found out today i have to have a 2nd elbow surgery maybe next week.... sometimes all you can do is wonder!?!?!?!?!?!


I'm so sorry to hear about your latest loss!!!  hug2.gif  I've been in and out of this thread since I got the news of my BFP last year and I hurt for all who are still here having to go through this!!!  I know that my infertility wasn't as extreme as some, but i'm still here understanding more than most people.  I'm not going to go out and tell you "oh, just relax it will happen!"  Because i know that for 31 months I tried to relax and it didn't JUST HAPPEN!!!!  I hope that your 2nd elbow surgery goes well though!!! And i hope AF shows up for both of us soon!!! It would be great!
 

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by lari View Post

I'm newish to mothering and found my way here from ovusoft (now TCOYF)  That place just isn't the same anymore...

I dealt with primary infertility from 2004-2008 until I got pregnant from my first IVF cycle.  Prior to that I had done two IUI's and many months of clomid.  I have a blocked tube, endo & POF ( FSH 9, AMH .9).  Oh and apparently now I have thyroid issues we'll have to address before I cycle again.  We had 4 frostie's from our first IVF, but unfortunately we just had a failed FET in November and had to thaw all of them to get 2 to transfer so we're back to the drawing table.  We're going to give IVF one more go-around before we call it a day so I'm really just biding my time until March to do our last IVF cycle. 

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Lari
Age: 34, turn 35 this month (ah yes, if I ever do get pregnant now I will be of "advanced maternal age")
TTC #: 2
CD: 14
DPO (if applicable): I think I ovulate today.
Testing:, umm yeah, no need, my cycles only run like 26 days max, gotta love that short luteal phase....
Trying Since: DS was born/ 2008
Plan for this Cycle: DHEA, vitex, prenatal, vit C ( anyone have anything they reccommend, I'm listening)
Link to Chart (if applicable):  http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/14c337
Thoughts:


 

Have you talked to a health food store about what you could take to lengthen your lp?  I think there are things out there that you can take that will length it, but i can't remember what it is at this time.  Welcome to this thread though, and if you just wanna write to vent we are very good listeners. (or readers as it may be lol)  I hope that your next round of IVF goes well!!!

 

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by jenger View Post

Thanks Brichole!  I appreciate this!

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Jenger
Age: 35 (36 is six weeks)
TTC #:2
CD: 31, (Or it could be cd1 - I am spotting, ready to start)
DPO (if applicable): 15, thanks to progesterone!
Trying Since: August '09
Plan for this Cycle: Get a follicule count and more cd3 bloodwork, possibly a clomid challenge test.  If not a cct, I will take femara.
Link to Chart (if applicable):
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/jenger  not much there, 'cause I just us a monitor...
Thoughts:  I hate this.  I hate having to face another day, still barren and broken.  Not to mention my job is dwindling away, and it would be a nice time to have a stinkin' baby.  I don' know that I can take it.  Where's my warm bed and chocolate?

 

hug2.gif I am so sorry you are having such a hard time!!! I understand (though i'm younger, i still understand the frustrations!  And me being younger it took way too long to get a doctor convinced that i needed to be checked for why we weren't getting pregnant!!!)  I took femara with menopur injections and that's what it took for us  to get pregnant last year.  G/L with everything and you know we're here to listen!!!

 

 

 

AFM:  Like i said in the December thread we aren't activly trying for #3 yet, but since it took us 31 months to get pregnant with Emma we are going to start trying again in September when she's 9 months old.  Some people call me crazy, but i think it's what's best for us!  I'm just praying that AF shows up soon!! I also wish i knew what i could do with my medications that i have left over from TTC last year.  The meds will expire at some point this year and I would rather see someone get use out of them. 

 

post #7 of 48
Thread Starter 

I hope that everyone is having a very good week.  I have been so busy with work!! BLAH...but I am excited that i'll be building my first house starting next month!!!  I never thought this day would come, but it's about time to actually do something for myself and my family that will be better for us!!! 

post #8 of 48

 Name: Andrea
Age: 25, DH 32
TTC #: 1
CD: 2
Trying Since: May 08
Plan for this Cycle: BCP, metformin, HSG

 

Well, this is the first time I've posted in the fertility section.  We've been TTC for almost 3 years with one miscarriage in Oct 09.  We just saw a specialist from Minnesota last week and we finally have a game plan.  This month we are doing the pill (to reset my system), we are starting metformin (just diagnosed for the second time with PCOS), and I am doing and HSG which is supposed to increase fertility for the first three months. 

 

Next month we will continue the metformin, letrozol, and ovadrel if we have a good folical.  We are really hoping that we have a plan that will get us where we want to go! 

post #9 of 48
Thread Starter 

Welcome MrsR!!!  I'm sorry that you are having to go through this but know that you are not alone!  It took me 31 months of trying to finally get pregnant with my little second little one who's 2 months old now.  I suffered from secondary infertility and was diagnosed with PCOS.  I pray that your stay here is short!   I see that you are at the very start of your cycle so have you already started the BCPs for this cycle and will you only have to take them for one cycle?  I hope that the BCPs get you regulated!!! 

 

 

 

MrsR and Lari:  What would you like your blurbs to say at the top of the list if you would like to be added.  Just PM me or reply to the thread and I'll get it put up for you!  Hope everyone has had a good weekend!

 

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Brandy
Age: 26 (27 at the end of the month)
TTC #: 3 (will be starting back TTC in September)
CD: Still haven't gotten my PPAF yet but patiently waiting for her to arrive so I can start charting
DPO (if applicable): 0
Testing: I did test the other day because I have had some crazy feelings like when i was pregnant with Emma but it was neg.
Trying Since:  Haven't started trying again, but with it taking 31 months to get pregnant with Emma we wanna make sure we start trying as soon as possible...so when emma is 9 months old we will start trying again!
Plan for this Cycle: No plan, just waiting for AF to show up
Link to Chart (if applicable):
Thoughts:  My family thinks i'm crazy for wanting to try for our third child so soon after having Emma but i'm afraid that it will take us just as long to get pregnant with the next one and I don't want to chance taking so long to take measures to get us closer to being finished expanding our family.  If i could be pregnant all of the time I think i would be lol.  I know that sounds crazy but I love kids and I just want to have a nice sized family!

post #10 of 48

Is it okay for me to join in?  I'm hoping this will be an interesting month, as I have an appt with a naturopath tomorrow who apparently is a great detective for those dealing with unexplained infertility.  So I am very curious to see what she finds out - I just hope I can convinvce my PCP to authorize the any tests I'm expecting the naturopath to request...  Oh, and here's a little blurb you can add for me at the top - thanks!

 

tryingfortwo - TTC#2 since Nov 2008.  Unexplained secondary infertility, hoping that a naturopath can figure out what's going on and recommend something that will help us get PG! 

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Jasmine
Age: 33
TTC #: 2
CD: 4
DPO (if applicable): NA
Testing: not sure yet, I don't test much as AF usually comes 11dpo
Trying Since: Nov 2008
Plan for this Cycle: continue acupuncture (3rd cycle with it); meet with a naturopath recommended by acupuncture and several local women dealing with infertility, and hopefully discover a reason why we aren't conceiving; maybe use progesterone to help extend luteal phase (we'll see what the naturopath recommends)
Link to Chart (if applicable):
Thoughts:
I was pretty bummed when AF arrived last week.  My appt with my acupuncturist (around implantation time) seemed promising, and I had some tender breasts and tiredness, so I was really hoping this cycle was it.  Unfortunately, I had some spotting at 10dpo, and AF arrived the next day :(  It's silly, but I was really excited about an October baby.  Anyways, I'm hoping this cycle will be informative and we'll have some concrete things to do - maybe new supplements to increase a deficient vitamin or improve hormone levels, or maybe changes in diet (although as a vegetarian, that scares me...)  But very hopeful and feel this is the right step for us.

post #11 of 48

Thanks for starting this up, Brichole!

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name:zanelee
Age:41
TTC #:almost 5 years now
CD:21
DPO (if applicable):4
Testing:if AF doesn't show, or if I just can't help it
Trying Since:
Plan for this Cycle:waiting now
Link to Chart (if applicable):
Thoughts:We're unsure about what to do next. Whether we should go ahead and go with clomid...

Just unsure about it all...keep praying that we'll be blessed and won't have to think anymore.

Also wondering about doing the HCG diet next month (If this month is a bust) to loose some weight quickly, as I've

been wondering if my weight is somewhat of an issue.

post #12 of 48

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: NishaG
Age: 38
TTC #: 3
CD: 16
DPO (if applicable): n/a
Testing: 2/22
Trying Since: 1/09
Plan for this Cycle: Just keep it simple.  I took Femara 10 mgs on CDs 3-7, prenatals and Actos for PCOS.  I got a + OPK today. So, we will continue BDing w/ PreSeed...
Link to Chart (if applicable):


Thoughts:  just trying to stay positive!

 

Thanks!

post #13 of 48

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Rochelle
Age: 23
TTC #: 1
CD: 36
DPO (if applicable): unknown
Testing: Thursday if AF doesn't show up
Trying Since: May 2007 with one loss at 12 weeks in Sept 2008
Plan for this Cycle: Well, once AF gets here, we plan on sitting this cycle out while we switch insurance companies but then it's on!
Link to Chart (if applicable):

Thoughts: So many new faces! Well, this is officially the longest cycle I've had in a year and of course it's the cycle I decided not to do opks again. I keep thinking AF is here (even dreamt it a few days ago) but then, nothing. Too terrified to test because my emotional state can't take it this month so if AF hasn't shown by Thursday (cd40), I'll test, but I mostly just think that the 10lbs I've put on over the past 2 months have screwed with my body more than I realized. We'll see.

 

Looking forward to getting to know all the new faces!

post #14 of 48

Hiya Ladies-

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Jenger
Age: 35 (36 in a few weeks)
TTC #: 2
CD: 5
Trying Since: August 2009
Plan for this Cycle: Clomid Challenge test.
Thoughts: Well, I am happy to have gotten good results from my cd3 tests... I did fsh, lh and estodial before, and they were good then as well as this time.  But I also got a antreal follicle count - and it looks good.  Good news, but still no answers as to why we haven't gotten pregnant yet.  I get my AMH and TSH results next week.

I got my clomid off the internet, and am now concerned it isn't working, 'cause I have no side effects.  It's only been one day...

Also, I am taking estodial to combat low, but my estrodial has always been on the high end of normal...

post #15 of 48
Thread Starter 

Good morning ladies!!! Happy to see so many of you back with this February thread!!!  Welcome tryingfortwo!!!!  It's always a bitter sweet feeling when we get new faces in here!!! I hope that we are able to help you in your journy with TTC your precious bean!!!! 

 

 

This weekend was the longest weekend EVER!!! I really do hate working every weekend...and being back to work isn't exactly my favorite thing but with getting ready to have a house built i kinda had to return to work!!

 

Thinking fertile thoughts for you ladies today!!!

post #16 of 48

I'm new in this forum. I'm usually in the adoptive forum. We're planning to adopt, but we expected bio children too. We've been casually TTC for five years. But nothing. No pregnancies, no miscarriages, nothing. I kept thinking we just weren't having sex often enough but I started getting worried that my time is running out - I'm almost 35 years old.

 

Some serious hiccups in our adoption plans have encouraged us to persue fertility treatments as a more serious back-up plan to adoption. Now that we're just beginning with all the tests we learned that DH has low sperm count and motility. We're doing more tests on both of us to learn more. Right now we just want to know what is going on.

 

We're willing to do medications, donor sperm, maybe surgery (to remove tumors or whatever), dietary changes (no gluten maybe?), more exercise, supplements, but we're not interested in IVF. And ultimately we're most interested in adoption still.

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: Marsupial-Mom
Age: 34
TTC #: 1

Testing: did some blood tests and will do more soon, did SHG today and all was normal, doing HSG tomorrow
Trying Since: 2005
Plan for this Cycle: DR said don't have intercourse at all this cycle.
Thoughts: I'm really glad I have such a wonderful DH who is taking all of this in stride and who makes me feel so incredibly loved that I can bear this loss. But I do wish I had more friends who understsood. Hence, this post.

post #17 of 48

Name: Mandi
Age: 30
TTC #: 2
CD: unknown, no PPAF yet
DPO (if applicable): n/a
Testing: n/a
Trying Since: Not preventing, plans to start with RE around July.
Plan for this Cycle: not preventing!
Link to Chart (if applicable): n/a
Thoughts: I was here a few years ago during our struggles through IVF.  I dropped off the face of the planet for a while after too many failures broke my heart and me.  Donor Sperm gave us our first miracle!  Now we are getting ready to start again once we find a new RE in our new hometown, probably in July right around DD's first birthday.  It took us over 4 years to get pg with number 1, and we're not old but we're not getting any younger!  We have severe MFI, so IVF with ICSI is our only option (or donor sperm).  I see some names I recognize from back in 2008 and I'm sad that you are still here TTC#1.  Baby dust to everyone!!

post #18 of 48

*crickets*

 

Weekend Wrap-Up
Name: NishaG
Age: 38
TTC #: 3
CD: 23
DPO (if applicable): 4
Testing: 2/23
Trying Since: 1/09
Plan for this Cycle: Just waiting and seeing.  I don't like to stress during the 2ww, so, I may not temp again until the 22nd....

Link to Chart (if applicable):


Thoughts:  I really don't know what to think!  I've got the progesterone running through my veins, giving me sore boobies, but, I'm trying to ignore it!

post #19 of 48
Thread Starter 

Ladies, sorry i've been MIA this past week!! Things have been crazy at work, and that's the only place I can get on to update anything or even talk because my phone sucks and my DH is always on his phone so it's kinda hard to get on here while i'm at home! (I'm so ready to get internet back at my house!!!)  I hope that everyone is doing good!

 

 

 

nishag: Hang in there girl! And I don't blame you for not wanting to stress during your 2ww! It makes things worse!!! I've got my fingers crossed for you!!!

post #20 of 48

Hi

 

Im glad I found this tread,,,am trying since 2009 April w/ dr help,,,at first I was diagnosed w/ PCOS,,,was on metformin which didn't work,,the dr told me to take metformin and do OT and thats it (no hormone testing, nothing)...I switched to new one, she was nice and honest: she made it clear that probably I need RE but I decided stay with her and try clomid. It didn't work,,,I am seeing RE since Now 2010, we done with all testing (no more POSC, just unexplained infertility) and this cycle we plan clomid + IUI,,,to bad my body didn't react to 50mg (I tried to tell him that 50mg doesn't work because I tried it before, but he said I am skinny so he wants try with less), dr put me on 100mg last tuesday after test showed am not ovulating and tmr is another ultrasound....I have regular cycles and am usually ovulating on my on,,,I think clomid doesn't work to me,,,if he will try to put me on 150 I will say no, I feel inside that I don't want this med,,,I hope they won't kick me out :) Do they do IUI without medications>?

 

Name: Lega
Age:28
TTC #:1
CD:24
DPO (if applicable):
Testing:
Trying Since:2009 April
Plan for this Cycle:Clomid + IUI
Link to Chart (if applicable):


Thoughts: I am lost,,,

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